I have done a search for OM and have had no luck finding him or his wife. All contact between him and my WW has been through e-mail and IM's. I have very little info to go on. And what I do have may be a lie.

What I am thinking of doing is emailing him and asking him to break all contact. Remind him that he is also married with kids. And that I would like the chance to try MC.

At this time my WW is living in another state with the kids. She is currently searching for a job and an apartment. She has said she will not be returning to our home. And does not want to persue MC. She has not filled for a seperation ar a divorce yet.

Any suggestions.

OK...what exact information do you have on OM? Full name, city/state, email addy...anything else at all? Where he works, or at least what company? Type of car, any phone numbers, etc...??

If you've got any combination of this, I might be able to help you figure out ways to get more info on him...and then on his W.

I got tons of info on my wife's OM, with his first/last name, city/state, and the name of the company he worked at.

I have his full name, state, and email addy. He works for the city but I don't know in what way.

I did a search for his name and called the one number that came up. I asked if he worked for the city and she said no that I had the wrong guy. I am going to try again this afternoon and give her more info and see if she says the same thing.

OK...so plug in his full name, and variations of it, into google and see what you get back. Then do the same thing with his city name, and with his email address. Include doing all combinations of those as well. For example, you could try the following searches:

"Joe B. Snuffy"
"Joe Snuffy"
"email address"
"Joe Snuffy"+"email address"
"Joe B. Snuffy"+"email address"
"Joe Snuffy"+"state"
"Joe Snuffy"+"city"


If you find anything that makes you think it might be him, include whatever other information you find in that search into your searches as well. For example, if you find something that you think is is phone number, start doing cross reference searches with his name, and that number, then his city and that number, etc...get the idea? It can take some time, but you can piece together good information that way.

If you know what city he works for, and his name, try searching for the numbers to various city offices and call those offices asking to speak to him. Or (potential legal issue here...proceed at your own risk) call them pretending to be a potential hiring office looking to verify his employment information. If you hook up with a chatty admin, you can get all kinds of good information about him that way. If you decide to do it that way, make sure you've got a professional sounding script to go off of...and a fake company name, fake name for yourself, etc... Have that all written down before you start.

Take detailed notes of everything you learn or don't learn in this process...again, you can start cross-referencing through them later and piece things together.

I used this same kind of process to get detailed information about my wife's OM. In a matter of hours I had almost anything I needed to know about him except for his legal past...because I was too cheap to look it up at that point. It took money...everything I'd gotten up to there was free.

Ok found the city he lives in and the job he has. Their phone is no longer in service.

Is there a way to find cell phone #'s?

You might be able to do it with some of the online pay services...do a search for 'reverse number lookups'.

So now that you know what job he has, do a search for the phone number for that office. Do a 'blocked caller ID' call to that office, and see if you can get any information about him like I'd suggested before. Have a list of questions that you want to ask on hand...make it sound like you're trying to verify the information he provided on a job application or something. You might ask them to verify his home address, home phone, etc... as part of this. Again, have a script you're working off of, and ensure that your phone number is blocked so that they don't know where you're calling from.

You might think about anything your wife may have slipped about him to you about in the past...what kind of car he drives, if he lives near his work, etc...see if you can use any of that to cross reference your searches too.

I do have there address. I could write to her. I could then have a friend mail it from another city. He knows what city we live in.

If you're going to send a letter, do it registered mail, requiring HER signature and no one else's. There are a couple of options on sending this kind of letter...I'm not sure, but you might also see if there is a 'receipt confirmation' option that allows you to verify that she signed for it.

Very good idea's. Thanks for the help.

I will hold off on contacting hte OM for now.

OK...another option on the phone number thing too...

Again, I won't vouch for legality here...

Do a search for "utility companies"+"city" or +"address"...see if you can find what gas/electric companies serve that area. Call them (again, ID blocked of course), tell them that you're him and you're wanting to verify your contact information. Give them the address, but ask them what phone number they've got listed for you. Just agree with whatever they say it is, and write it down. Bob's your uncle! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

LOL...some days I miss my old job! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I hate having to do this searching but it can be a rush at the same time. Emotional roller coaster.

How is this:

*******,

This is very hard for me to do. But you need to know that your husband ***** is having an online emotional affair with my wife. This is part of the exposure to hopefully bring the affair to an end.

I know that it is him from the emails and private messages between them that I have intercepted. His email address is ****** He works as city administrator for ******. He posts at *****, this is where he meet my wife. His user name there is *****. Her user name is ******. I hope that is enough for you to believe me.

Now for me, my name is *****and my wife is *****. We have three kids. We have had problems in our marriage over the years. I do not know how much the relationship she has with ****** has caused this but she told me she wanted to file for a divorce on March 22nd. This was the day before our 11th anniversary. We did an in house separation for several weeks. On April 18th she moved out of state with our three kids. Before she left she had asked ****** to not contact her again. They did not hold to that agreement. They are still in daily contact.

I do not know the extent of the relationship. ****** has only told me the feelings were mutual. There were pictures sent to each other and I found one message that talked about him feeling around in her shirt. She was not willing to give me other details at that time.

I am sorry for any hurt you may be feeling at this time. I can only offer you a website that may help. www.marriagebuilders.com

If you feel you need to contact me for any more info, I can be reached at ******

*******

I can send it restricted delivery. It would require her signature only. Her WH would not be able to sign for it.

How does the letter sound? Too much information or not enough?

Added this to the end of paragraph 1:

I love my wife and I am trying to save my marriage. It is not my intent to hurt you in any way. I am asking for your help in saving both our marriages.

Any suggestions?

I want to mail the letter tomorrow.

bh, I had to read this 3 times to even GET it. At first it sounds like they MAY be having an online "emotional" affair [but you are not sure] and then it turns out they have MET and it IS a physical affair. I would start off with a sentence that encapsulates that point. Such as, "your H is having an affair with my wife. they met online and this has evolved into a physical affair." START OFF like that so she gets it, and then fill in the details in subsequent paragraphs.

Take out all the references to your personal marital issues, that is not relevant here and is a distraction. All she needs to know is that her H is having an affair with your W. She doesn't need to know about your past problems or your in-house seperation.

Remove your comment that this is an "online emotional affair." It is a PHYSICAL AFFAIR. Just call it an affair, say they met online [give the screen names, etc] and tell her that they have MET and HAD SEX. I had to read this 3 times to even catch the part where "I found one message that talked about him feeling around in her shirt."

Secondly, I would expose him to his employer if he is a city administrator. Expose him to the city board of directors and imply that he is using city resources [his computer] to pursue his affair with your wife and is the cause of your broken marriage.



Tell her what you DO KNOW, not what you don't know. Framing it this way casts doubt on your story, and you are not in doubt. This whole paragraph can be summed up into one sentence:

"I know that they met together and he fondled her, according to their emails."

I read this thread three times and I'm still confused! Apparently, instead of emailing OM, now you're writing a letter to OMW...except, since the phone is disconnected, 0MW may have moved, right? Your wife moved out and moved to another state (where OM lives?) and is looking for a job. Does that mean you financed her move and are supporting her wherever she is now? Did you let her rip your children out of their home so your WW could better engage in her fantasy?

How far away is this city where OM, and presumably, the OMW live? I see an awful lot of energy being expended developing a letter when the process might be better accomplished with a little travel, a firm knock on a door and a quick launch into an exposure. Is there something I missed?

Best of luck, pardner. Hang in there and fight the good fight.

Sorry for any confusion. I was not clear. They have not met. This is strictly an online EA. He lives in the mid west we are in the south east.

I know that they still live there. They have been in the same house for several years according to what I have been told. The phone has been disconnected. I beleive this is because they have switched to cell phones. And I have no way to find the numbers.

My WS and OM have not called each other. All contact has been through email and instant messagging. The refrence to him feeling around was found on my wife's laptop. She had saved all the IM's between them. Unfortanatly I was to pissed off to read them further or think to copy them. She left a week after I found the messages and never let the laptop out of her sight.

Does this help.

I would send the letter. Be sure to give her a way to contact you.

The letter will go out today. I left my email address in the letter. She should receive it on Thursday.

My nerves are a wreak. I am wondering how she will respond to the revelation of her WH's activities.

I realize that my WW will be pushed further away from me once she finds out I sent the letter. For those who have done exposure, how long did it take for your spouses to try MC?