Hi, just poking in to say hi. I turned in the revision of my stupid paper a few hours ago. Plus the past two days have been spent dealing with a crisis at work, that ended up with me getting yelled at for trying to get a student paid.

I disappeared for a few days because I was using this site as an excuse to not work on my paper. I'm catching up on the reading now. I'll write more after that.

One quick thing I wanted to say: in hold's thread, LA mentioned crying at the drop of the hat. The other night we watched a sad movie, and I started crying, then the movie ended happily, but I was still crying. I was crying because the universe will eventually end. You know, all the stars will burn out and everything? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Jayne, looking forward to seeing more of you!

I get freaked out about those ideas, too! Glad I'm not the only one. It helps me to remember I have a faith now and it'll all be according to a plan, so I don't need to worry about it.

Well after I said I'd be around more, I've been so busy at work I didn't have much time to come back after all.

EO, I've wanted to write you about a couple things, and I keep waiting until I have time to really consider what I write - which means I don't get around to it. Thanks to you I've been reading the Flylady stuff. I think she'd say that writing a little something is better than nothing, so I'll do that! I'll go catch up on your thread, but meanwhile I wanted to say (unless I already said it) you were asking about help in making up a budget. I've really found the Dave Ramsey stuff helpful. He has some sample forms available for free download.

Well I've been gone all week, I took a sort of consulting job to try to bring in some extra money - it was sort of volunteer work, but we were paid a certain amount and from that we pay our hotel and any other expenses. So, I tried to save as much money as possible, even filling up on the refreshments instead of buying breakfast or lunch, etc. I was supposed to arrive back home last night, but delayed flights meant I was stuck in Toronto overnight. The airline didn't want to pay for the hotel but I found one sympathetic employee who arranged it for me.

So, DH has been taking the kids to swimming lessons all week, which he doesn't like because he gets to work later. When I landed, I called his cell phone but there was no answer. (Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that I forgot my cell phone. Sure I remember it on trips where nothing goes wrong - but when there's problems and I really need to be able to phone home, I don't have it! So that's more money spent.)

After 20 minutes I finally got through, only he says he doesn't have time to come pick me up. I asked if he had sent email to this woman I was supposed to talk to that morning, to let her know my flight was delayed, and he said he forgot. I was upset, and said something like "Is there anything else you can't do for me?" He told me to take the shuttle home from the airport. I said, you mean the one that everyone else on the plane took 20 minutes ago? He said if the shuttle had already left I'd just have to take a taxi, which I really didn't want to do because I thought it would be about $25. I was wrong. It was $62. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

So, tonight, he was quite hostile. After the kids left the dinner table I asked him what was wrong. I should have known, but I had been upset at him and had gotten over it, plus I was so extremely tired that I had fallen asleep that afternoon and had forgotten all about it. So he started yelling and saying how he didn't appreciate my attitude and my demanding that he pick me up from the airport. I said that I thought another 30 or 45 minutes to pick me up would not have made that much of a difference and it would have saved a lot of money.

I was going to say that I knew lots of people who would say they had to be late for something because they had to pick up someone from the airport, of course it depends on what type of meeting it is. But I never got the chance because he was yelling. I stopped trying to say anything because it was obvious that was just making it worse, and he finally stopped yelling and left the room.

Before I fell asleep earlier, I had started on the big pile of dirty dishes, because I figured he might be resenting the lack of DS. So after he left the room, I started working some more on them. When he came back in, I said "I'm sorry for demanding that you pick me up from the airport." He paused and then said ok or something, but I could tell he was still angry.

Then he took the kids for a bike ride to the park down the street. The kids asked me to come so they could show me the new tricks they learned while I was gone. I said I'd meet them there. I finished the dishes, and then headed out, only I got caught talking to the neighbor so by the time I got there they were about to leave. DS5a said he'd show me his tricks, and started to ride around. DS5b started saying it wasn't fair that 5a got to ride and he couldn't. I told him he could also - but H stayed on his bike, poised to leave, and 5b, who is closer to H than 5a is, sensed that H didn't want him to and so he didn't.

I asked H to help, to let him know he could show me stuff too, but he didn't. DS5b just sat on the grass pouting. Finally we had to leave because 5b wasn't going to show me, and it was getting dark. I asked H to take care of 5b and I'd start walking with 5a riding his bike. I figured 5b would prefer H since he's closer to him and that's who he was concerned about pleasing by not riding.

So H takes his bike and 5b's bike and starts walking, leaving DS5b sitting on the grass! DS5a and I are already up ahead, and I look back and see H is leaving 5b sitting on the grass crying. I go back and say I'll take the bikes if he'll go back to 5b. H starts yelling at me (out in public) about how I was abandoning my son! So he goes back and grabs 5b's arm and is dragging him by the arm - not quite as bad as it sounds, but he is holding his arm straight up, if you get the picture, and DS5b is crying and all. So I set the bikes down and go back there. Ok, I didn't *drop* H's bike, but I did set it down rougher than he wanted - maybe I started setting it on its side and let it go from about 5 inches from the ground. So H yells "Don't throw my bike!" And I say in a low voice, "Don't hurt my son." and I take DS5b from him.

DS5a rides his bike beside me as I carry DS5b who is heartbroken. H takes the other two bikes and walks on ahead.

When we got home, frankly, I was avoiding H because I didn't want him to yell anymore in front of the kids. I started putting dishes away, and when H was around I would stick my head in a lower cabinet arranging things until he left. I didn't go up to tell the kids goodnight or anything because I was afraid that would turn into him yelling at me or something, and I just figured it was better for the kids to not see that.

So now I'm downstairs. I'm wondering if I should sleep downstairs on the couch all night, or if I should go back upstairs.

Two nights before I left on this trip H also got really upset about something. He used to never get upset, he was always the easygoing one. It seems like the nicer I get, the worse he gets. What's up with that?

I really don't want the kids to see stuff like that. I am afraid to say anything in front of him, about anything. It's as if as long as I don't say anything, he won't yell. But I also don't want the kids to think that's any way for them to treat their wife.

When we were talking to a MC last summer, I said I worried that if he gave up his job to come to where my job is, that he would be really resentful and bitter. I wonder if that's what's happening now. I wanted him to help me look for a place where we could both get jobs, especially a job for him that he would like. He likes his work a lot more than I like mine, so I wouldn't mind taking any job to be in a place where he has a job he likes. But he just wouldn't look for a job, and when I found things he might like, he wouldn't apply.

Now, he doesn't have a job beyond the end of this month. He's coming back with us to where I teach, but the one job I told him about he didn't submit his application until after the shortlist was determined. Now he's wanting me to ask the head of the project I'm working on, to provide partial support for H to work with us on my project back home, and for me to work it out so that H can be paid through my grant. I don't know if that's possible, but I suggested it as something to think about. Now I think he's just counting on it happening.

Another colleague working on the same project said he'd look for something for H also. A friend of mine gave me the contact information for a placement agency in H's field. It seems I and everyone I know are trying to get H a job, but H isn't doing anything and he isn't asking anyone he knows for any leads.

And a few days ago H mentions that unless I can get this guy to agree to pay him at least parttime, H may not even be allowed in the country to come back with us!

I'm afraid this is only going to get worse, with him getting more and more resentful and blowing up at anything I say or do. I'm afraid he's going to get mad if I don't do enough DS even if I'm working and he isn't.

I should stop now, this is already too long.

Jayne, I'm sorry things are so rough right now. Reading all the great input Wonderin is getting is helping me so much. There are days when we have to consciuosly focus on finding happiness in what we actually have instead of focusing on what we don't have today. For our own sanity.

You know, we have an idea of how things are going to be in our lives. For example, that someone would be there to pick us up from the airport, or have someone else there. Being left at the airport, that's such a great example of something that just doesn't seem like a part of our lives, you know? Yet this stuff happens, over and over and over. And I wonder, is it SO MUCH to ask out of life to have a spouse who could keep it together enough that I'm not stranded at the airport, for crying out loud? But no, that external focus on what isn't going the way we think it should just keeps us focused on the problem instead of finding a solution. In my case, it was because my H had been drinking and he was too tired. Yet I was surprised and even shocked that such a thing could happen LOL. I don't know what the reason was for you guys.

So anyway, I think the point is that we should have known all along that we don't have these marriages where we can rely on our spouse for stuff that's important to us. I mean, why do we get surprised and frustrated? We already know what reality is. We need to have a backup plan always ready. because you never know what will set these folks off.

Jayne, when someone is hostile, do you think this person is going to be of any value with the kids? Get your boundaries up and act as if it's just you and the kids. Leave the bikes or the dishes or whatever until you have the kids settled in. Do your self-care and do some things with the kids that makes you and them feel good. H will come around when he's good and ready. Or he won't. Let's deal with reality here. Meanwhile you can still be happy doing your thing until he's snapped out of whatever is making him hostile. It isn't about you.

Do you think he's going to do anything about getting a job while he's hostile? No, he's not, because that would defeat the purpose of being hostile. Get the heck away from it until he is ready to partner with you or take some initiative to do something himself. You trying to rescue him isn't going to help him or you. You aren't the cause of it, you can't control it, you can't cure it. You need to get out of the way of his consequences even though it will hurt you and the kids in the short term, especially if he can't come back with you guys. Have you tried listen and repeat, and ask him what his backup plan is so he won't be separtated from his kids?

I hear you about trying to meet his ENs. That's a great idea, to do these things out of love. There isn't such a thing as doing enough DS, though, to snap him out of his funk, is there? Has that been successful in the past? Do what you can and let go of the repsonse.


Gosh that's really down, so I hope what I said is totally wrong and you'll come correct me.


((((Jayne))))

And thanks for the Dave Ramsey tip! It looks like what I needed!

Jayne, he's not meeting some needs for you, like FS. But there are a lot of great things about him, too, right? Try to focus on those. This, too, shall pass. He usually snaps out of it, the hostility/lack of responsibility thing, at some point, right?

LovingAnyway made a great post on InRecovery>LostBoy's thread, about loving your spouse, not their temporary hostility. Important distinction. You can do this <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I read it all. And my first impression is that you have one of those 8O/20 relationships.

1. You do 80% of the work around the home
2. You do 80 of the income
3. You do 80 of the budgeting
4. You do 80 of the traveling
5. You do 80 of the organizing
6. You do 80 of the childrearing
7. You do 80 of the working
8. You do 80% of the energy and ideas to keep the marriage going.

I dont know, I had one of these relationships once and it was a teeth grinding mess for me. He was like a big unresponsive millstone. I was with him for over 15 years.

This man sounds like he is content with a very simple life yet with luxuries. Not a complex family life where you have to think of the future as well as plan each day out and each week out to keep going. He seems like he lets you do

1. All the thinking
2. Everything
3. All the actions needed
4. All the communicating
5. All the sacrificing
6. all the giving

And he gives you NOTHING but occasional sex. Does he give anything else?

Picking somebody up at the airport is very important and is a sign of love, why could he not do it? That would kill me if my H did not pick me up from a trip. I could not quite stand it even if I were on heavy antidepressants.

I predict that you will get fed up with this unmotivated man who you have to drag to motivate all the time and you will eventually divorce him. I could be wrong. He seems like he is floating along in life and you are motivated to succeed and thrive with your high energy. He just floats along and does as little as possible and conserves his energy.

I dont see what keeps you two together except maybe you both are devoted to the kids. What else glues you together and feeling loved by the other one?.

It seems like a difficult mismatch to me that is made more difficult by having had children to raise and think about. I give you credit for even TRYING to make it work.

Hi Jayne how are you? Will you please go to my thread and talk to me about what I have done?? Thanks.

YoYo

Hi all, I have been extremely busy trying to have something to show for my summer's work, and so haven't posted much. My lack of posting was because of being busy, not because I was insulted or anything by anyone (least of all you, ears! *hug*).

I'm so stressed and depressed right now, and my thoughts are all jumbled. Y'all have asked some really great questions, I want to type in some answers (I've composed numerous answers in my head the past few days!). Thanks for asking. I hope to post some answers soon.

I feel very conflicted. I could probably benefit from advice from a guy's perspective too, in dealing with the whole H job sitch, if I can bring myself to type in what's going on. I'm just so exhausted, I think I'd rather read other folks' posts than type.

Oh yeah, my mom is in town. Multiply everything times ten.

Hi e_o, yes he always eventually snaps out of his hostility. When I posted above about him being hostile, in the previous few days (not counting the days I was away) he had yelled at me at least once every 48 hours and usually every day, and once it was several times that day.

A couple of those times I thought were especially bad, like with the kids around, including the time I wrote about.

After the time I wrote about, I approached him and tried to lay down some boundaries and also request some O&H. It went well. It usually does, when he's had a chance to calm down and I remember to apply the things I'm learning here.

I said that having him yell at me in front of the kids was unacceptable, and that I would try to remember to walk away in the future. That was fine by him, in fact that's probably what he'd want. I'm not quite satisfied in that I don't want the kids to think it's ok for him to "silence" me... if you know what I mean. I don't want the kids to think it's ok for him to tell me to shut up and that I should just shut up any time he tells me to. That's a fine line that we've discussed before with a MC. He has told me to shut up before, and a couple times covered my mouth with his hand or a dishtowel, which is totally unacceptable.

But from his point of view, he really needed to get away from the argument and I wasn't allowing that. So we had agreed that, if the conversation gets too much for him (and he has a really low threshold for talking!) he can say he needs to stop, if heagrees to return to the conversation at a later time. Lately we had forgotten to do that, so we re-established those rules.

He also opened up to me about an annoying behavior of mine. It's something my family, especially my mom, does a lot and I really don't like it. I sometimes catch myself doing it, and I really try to not do it, and I thought I was doing a pretty good job, but H thought I was doing it and that was really getting to him. The behavior is blaming others for things instead of taking responsibility for your own actions. He admitted that he knows that I'm aware of it and that I'm doing much better. I think the times he's thinking of, that I was really just joking, trying to be lighthearted about things. I can't really think of an example, but sorta like joking about how calories don't count if they are on someone else's plate? Similar to that, joking about how the H is supposed to just say "yes dear" in certain situations. I thought he knew it was a joke, in fact I thought he first started joking about such things. I said I'd try to not make such jokes in the future; and if he thought I was acting in a way to not take responsibility for my actions, he should call me on it. I would either admit I was joking and stop, or I'd know he thought I was not taking responsibility for my actions, and I could consider it and possibly discuss it.

We ended on a really good note, and he hasn't yelled since then. But we haven't had much time for anything anyway, things are so busy at work with the end-of-summer meetings and reports. We are both under a lot of stress.

I will look up LA's post on LostBoy's thread, thanks.

Hi Stella,

Thanks for your support. Some of what you say about how much I do is accurate, and some of it is/was accurate during the school year, but some of it I must admit is inaccurate, probably because I didn't represent his side of things enough.

I do feel like I do 80% of the energy and working on the marriage and the family and the childrearing, and the budget (in the sense of planning a budget - he does 80% of the paperwork to pay bills, which he probably thinks is doing the budget). During the schoolyear when he's been in Canada and we've been in the US, I do 80% of the housework and I pay all the bills related to the US household. I also pay all the doctor's and dentist's bills for me and the kids. But as a result, when he's around, I do tend to "take a holiday" and let him do things like getting the kids dressed in the mornings and ready for bed at night. Also, when he's around, I tend to just cook for fun - as in, most nights I enjoy cooking with him, or there will be something that I want to fix, but if I don't feel like cooking, if he's around I let him be the one who has to do the has-to cooking, since during the school year I've had to be that person.

When we are together we are probably about equal - some things I do more, and some things he does more, and perhaps he does a little more than me even.

He would totally roll on the floor laughing if he knew I'd given the impression that I do most of the organizing! Ok I do most of the kid-related organizing - school supplies, birthday gifts, appointments, etc - but when he's around for long periods of time, like the summers, he steps up to the plate. But me and organized paperwork, well, I'm allergic or it's against my religion or *something*, cus it ain't gonna happen! lol

Which brings us to at least one very important EN that he meets - it should be on the MB list, but maybe it falls under DS or something. He keeps me outa jail. As in, he makes sure the bills are paid (even if it's my money, he at least makes sure it gets to the people who I owe money to but don't have automatic payments set up) and he does the taxes. One time I went 3 or 4 years without filing. Hey, they owed me a refund, I didn't owe them money, so I thought it was ok. Plus it was going to be complicated. I was an American living in Canada earning Canadian dollars and I would have to file Canadian taxes to get a refund and then file US taxes and deduct the Candian taxes and... oh man. It gives me a headache even now! I didn't realize you *had* to file even if you didn't owe any money. So conceivably I could have two different countries after me!

Pity the poor accountant (an American) who had to sort out several years of that mess, for both countries, before H and I married.

Anyway, he does meet a lot of my needs. I've been thinking a lot about things to write in reply. How much time ya got? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> There's a lot to tell, to really give you an accurate picture; I won't try to say it all tonight, but maybe I should say more than I have. I forget if I've gone into detail about some of these things, there's some stuff that I've tried to not bring up much in the past couple years because I felt like I was saying "poor poor me" too much. But it would explain a bit about how wonderful H can be sometimes, and why it's worth it for me to do my part to make things better.

Sorry if I've already written about this, I'm really not trying to get pity here, the point I'm trying to make is how H has really stuck by me through thick and thin.

When the kids were born, the dr. insisted on a C-section even though I wanted to at least try labor and only do the C-section if things didn't progress. During the closing, my bowel was perforated. I became septic, was the 2nd sickest person in ICU until the sickest person died, then my name was moved up to the position of honor... I was airlifted more than halfway across the country, to one of the top medical schools which happened to be my alma mater and was near family and friends who could take care of the babies while H took care of me. H slept in a chair in my hospital room for several months, except for one night when friends took him home with them to have a real shower and sleep in a real bed. H did things you don't think you'll have to do for your spouse until you are in your 70's or 80's. If it needed doing, he just plain did it, he didn't grimace, he didn't hesitate, he just plain did it.

Very very un-sexy things. I had an ostomy bag. I now have no belly button. lol He did everything without question, and he even reassured me that it wasn't gross. He seems to still be physically attracted to me, even after all that.

He got me to sit up more by playing poker and pinochle and betting with pennies. He read to me from the Bible even though he isn't a Christian.

When I was released to out-patient care he gave me blood-thinner shots twice a day cus I'd developed DVT from lying in bed so much. He pushed me around in a wheelchair all over the hospital when I was strong enough; then he made me walk around when the dr said I needed to but it was really hard for me.

A church provided a little house for us to stay in when I was an outpatient, and H made me walk 3 laps a day around the living room, kitchen and bedroom. It was supposed to be 6 laps but I refused. He coaxed me, until I was able to walk to the end of the street and back. I had a wound vac, a little vacuum cleaner machine that provided suction that was attached to me, so I couldn't go more than a foot or two without him carrying that thing for me. He took me out just to get a change in scenery, even going to Walmart to get yarn for crocheting was a big event. He carried that thing so we could go to my favorite restaurants, and acted like it was the most natural thing in the world. He drove me out to the country and helped me go for a short walk in the woods, which I missed so much. We joked about my ball-and-chain, and how he had me on a short leash!

For months, he'd wake up several times a night to hold me while I threw up, or to help me turn over with all the tubes in me. For over a year, there was absolutely no SF and he never asked. When I was ready and offered, he made sure I didn't feel like I had to do anything before I was ready.

He put his job on hold for 8 months. He basically waited on me hand and foot for that time. He was the only person I could tolerate during the worst times - he sat completely quiet, reading, because any noise or tension made me throw up. I was being fed through an IV and then through a tube, and it was crucial for me to get to the point where I could keep food or even liquids down. My mom always made me throw up. Hearing the babies cry made me throw up. H insulated me when I needed it.

My family would talk about how sad this all was, and make me cry. Get this - hospitals have social workers who come around and talk to patients. I thought social workers were for dysfunctional homes, but apparently they are also for helping patients adjust or something. So there was this social worker who would come around and tell me how horrible my situation was, and make me cry. H stopped letting her in the room.

H didn't act sad. He didn't act like this was sad, or depressing, or frustrating, or yucky, or anything. He just plain did what needed to be done, as if it was the most natural thing in the world and I didn't need to be embarrassed or sad or anything.

There were times he grew tired or frustrated, and wasn't 100% patient and caring... but it was still maybe 99.99999% of the time that he was patient and caring. If he wasn't 100% perfect it is understandable, he was having to give a lot.

There are times now when he isn't perfect. Sometimes it seems the nicer I am to him, the worse he is; but maybe that's just because he is now allowed to be worse, he doesn't have to "suck it up" or whatever. There are times that I think he is just horrible; but usually, if I can get him to talk to me about it, and if I can do my part in being respectful, mature, etc., we can work through the worst things. He hasn't agreed to POJA things and there are some things he won't do that I think we really ought to do, like actively work on MB stuff or budget stuff a la Dave Ramsey. But when the chips are down, I can count on him.

Reading back over this, I kinda feel guilty about ever complaining about him at all!

Everytime I mention "living the MB principles" I am reminded of the HBO series, Big Love... they are "living The Principle" in their marriage(s) ya know...

I am sorry you had to go thru that terrible near death experiance. I remember when my H helped me thru chemo for breast cancer. That was in 2006. He was great.

Have you tried having long talks while walking together? It is easier to remain cool. And you are outside.

jayne, you are so inspiring <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Recognizing the problem, discussing it with H, and finding solutions that work for you! Focusing on the positive things he's done, letting them refill your love bank again <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hmmm, well I've been putting off talking about where I'm at, but I really need the accountability-partner aspect of H&O with you guys.

It is soooo much easier to try to solve other people's problems! Oh well, here goes...

I am DJing, all over the place. You'd think I hadn't even read the stuff here. In the interests of H&O I am going to say what's going on, but I don't want to dwell on the negative things. I don't even much want to vent, because I know that's an LB. Even if I'm not saying it to H, it's an LB for me.

I am LBing, mostly DJs but twice I AO'ed. I am feeling more and more resentful because I feel like H isn't doing enough - financially, mostly, but also a little with the DS. He still doesn't have a "job", he's doing some work for this project but hasn't gotten a paycheck yet. Even when he does get paid, the money will probably go towards his mortgage and credit card payment in Canada. I am resenting more and more being the only one bringing income into *this* household.

So I'm working fulltime, and it seems like he expects me to do 50% of the housework, whichever part he doesn't want to do. I feel like he gets to do whatever part he chooses, and I have to cover everything else.

He's doing a lot of the childcare stuff, but he's let some things fall through the cracks - favorite toys "lost" at school, some missed homework, deadline for cheapest soccer registration missed, etc. I feel like I should've stayed on top of things to prevent that. Then I resent having to "take care of everything."

However, I am very much enjoying not having to get up early enough to get the kids ready for school. And that I don't have to worry if a meeting runs later than the daycare pick-up time.

If a guy said something like "I work fulltime, your job is only part-time, so you should do more housework" I think all the women here would crucify him. But I am thinking those thoughts! What do I do?

I feel like I am losing respect for him, and I don't like it. And I think it's showing. I think it's really wearing down on him, and I hate that, but I can't shake it.

He is definitely one of those guys who needs respect the way I need love. And I'm not giving it to him.

He isn't looking for jobs, and I am really annoyed about that. I think he's just expecting to end up on my grant, and I'm not sure that's possible, I don't have any money except for summer salary right now anyway, and I hate the pressure!

There's a local government lab that would almost certainly hire him if he applied for US citizenship, and he'd be making much more money than I am. The problem is, he is in love with the lab in Canada, and a regular job here would mean we couldn't spend summers in Canada as a family.

To be closer to him, I changed my project so I'd spend summers in Canada. It would be totally messed up if I ended up having to go there and he couldn't.

I want to consider moving to a totally different location, anyplace where we could both get jobs. But he doesn't look for any positions and doesn't want to talk about any of the positions I email him.

The more I type, the more petty I sound to myself.

Jayne, how's your H&O been at home?

To me, you sound like how scattered I felt when we were going through that CA or FL limbo. I'm glad that you're here, where ther are so many great folks to lend perspective.

Just for today, jayne, how can you be more present? This limbo is unbearable if you think of it dragging on forver. But what if you looked at just what's here today?

You choose what housework you do, too, hon. Is DS even one of your top ENs? If not, maybe let some it get done less often. Or hire it out?

We went to a counselor to help us reason through that CA/FL thing. What about just a session or two to help you guys work thorough that? Like a brainstorming, your H can look at what's out there wtihout commiting to anything.

jayne, I just read your thread and wanted to tell you thank you. Our sitch's are different but alot of similarities. I'm impressed with your O&H of your M. It's helped me learn a bit more about me too. Thanks!

Over on Hold's thread, MrAlias said:


Ouch. I don't want to be like that!!! Please help me to not be like that!!!

Thanks mvg for the nice comment! I do value O&H a lot.

Ears,


Oh yes, I need to be reminded to stay in the present. Otherwise, I tend to keep looking to some future milestone... I'll be happy when I graduate... I'll be happy when I get married... I'll be happy when I have kids... Last year I would have said I don't care how much it hurts financially, I just want us under the same roof year-round. You're right, of course. Thanks.


Hire it out isn't an option right now. But you are absolutely correct, it is MY choice to do the hosuework I do. My head knows that. How do I stop feeling the resentment?

EO it's all your fault ya know! (JK!!!) It's FlyLady and her shiny sink! I did so well for a few weeks, and I really enjoyed having a clean kitchen and bathroom. H is good about the big clutter as in papers and toys, but not the cleanliness. I loved my shiny sink, tub, and toilet! LOL Then I started feeling sorry for myself, since my job is full-time and his job is somewhere between part-time and limbo. So I went on strike, the sink got dirty again, and 5y.o. boys can't aim! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />

We had company Tuesday, and H cleaned the kitchen and vacuumed the whole house and did all the cooking cus I had a nasty cold. So sometimes I know he's really a pretty good guy. What do I do when I start thinking about his faults?

The thing that gets me into the resentment, is when I start thinking about our financial sitch, and how he isn't helping pay for anything as far as our expenses right now, and he isn't looking for a job even though a lot of my friends keep making suggestions.

Another thing that gets me feeling resentful is when I want something like to go out to eat but I don't because I want to save money, and then I perceive him as buying wine or something else that he wants.

I'm not saying that to vent, I'm saying that so you know what I'm thinking when I get into the resentment.

I guess I shouldn't dwell on the negatives. I don't know why I do sometimes. I am a little uncertain about "how bad things are", like, I start wondering if I should be worried, if it's reasonable to expect him to look for a job, etc. I wonder if I should be "encouraging" him, but my "encouragement" he perceives as nagging. So I hold it in, even when others are telling me to talk to him, until I start feeling resentful. But then again, things could be a lot worse.

Ack, jayne, lost my post! It was about how you might want to have fun with it. "Honey, I was thinking about how when you get that big paycheck we could..."

And jayne honey! You know a shiny sink only takes 15 minutes and a morning swish&swipe takes 2. Your house is only 15 minutes of messy. You're not behind. Set the example in love <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

(((Jayne)))

jayne how to NOT feel the resentment? I think that takes practice...if it's YOUR choice to have the shiny sink, then shine it, stand back and look at it, and smile cause it makes YOU happy.

I'm reading with bated breath regarding your FS. You are WAY anxious over it...and I understand the why, and actually agree with you. I'm just waiting to see how that plays out for you and your H. IMHO it's NOT unreasonable to expect your H to help financially unless you are independently wealthy which doesn't appear to be the case.

Does he agree that he NEEDS to have a job to support his family? If he does, what are his plans & time frame to do that? If no plan WILL he agree to set a plan with timeframe and follow it?

Is it possible he so depressed that he is 'stuck'? Maybe a counselor or doc could help him there.

In my thoughts...