cat, MrNiceGuy, missalot...

You guys overwhelmed me! Seriously, I crave approval and I am really touched that you guys said such nice things to me. Funny, I didn't quite know how to respond so I actually avoided responding for awhile. Weird, huh?

I was thinking of coming on here saying how busy I was, grading exams all weekend. And something about my posts to other people were ok because I didn't want to think about my own stuff. But honestly, I think I just wasn't sure how to respond to the nice things y'all said.

Interesting.

Thanks you guys. I feel good that y'all think nice things about me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Ok, that took all the energy I have right now. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hi ears, I just heard you "eek" over on cat's thread! So you're telling me to be codependent now? lol Actually I was seriously considering doing that (proactively helping H find a job) after this semester ends and after I finish that stupid paper I was working on last August. Are you now saying I shouldn't?

One item in my plan is for me to apply for a job back in Canada. I've applied twice previously, even made the short list the last time. Not being Canadian hurts my chances, not being fluent in French hurts, and being fairly new to this particular field hurts. Now that I've been active at that lab for a couple summers, doing a couple of higher profile things, maybe I'd have a better shot. Or, now that I know these folks, it would be even more embarrassing if I applied and didn't get it. But these things happen.

I just finished filling out the LBQ and handed it to H. I told him I went ahead and completed it, I got tired of waiting for him. I said I couldn't force him to complete his, but that I am interested in reading his if he cares to; that I am willing to make changes also, I'm not just expecting him to do all the changing, but that I can't know what he wants unless he tells me. I also said I can't force him to read what I wrote, but there it is.

I had Dishonesty and IB tied for first place. AH came in at a distant 10th, followed closely by DJ at 11th and AO at 12th. SD came in at 100th.

I've been snarly the past few days, lots of work-related stress, that time of the month, and there's that elephant I keep tripping over. I doubt that makes him want to read what I wrote. Too bad, because if he did, and talked to me about it, that would go a long way toward me being less snarly.

I fear I may be using up all the deposits I made over Thanksgiving.

"Are you now saying I shouldn't?"

Jayne, you know, I really still think it's a good idea. Because you're enthusiastic about it. I don't see any contradiction with the MB plan as long as you check with H first.

Not helping someone when they're not asking for help is an Alanon principle that I haven't seen over here. It comes from that codependent thing where someone calls you with their sob story, and pauses to wait for you to volunteer to fix it. Instead of asking for your help outright. A big dishonesty LB there, you know? I don't hear your H doing that, though. I brought that up to Cat more to reason through, clarify that her H also is being honest instead of dishonest here. What do you think?

I like how you handled the LB questionnaire, with the thoughtful request. What do you think about some negotiation? What's in it for him? Does he complain about any LBs of yours?

What does snarly look like? Let's plug up those holes in the love bucket <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Can you love the man while you dislike the behavior? Next time, what about coming over here and blast away instead LOL.

You asked aout 5 year olds and foot rubs. My siblings and I all gave my mom foot rubs. She was a nurse on her feet 16 hours some days. She gave them to us, too. But when I give myself one, that's great, too.

I think we all tend to be our own worst critics. You seem to have a good head on your shoulders and I admire that! My head is still lost somewhere in the clouds. I was wondering if I could ask you for some advice or if you could "refer" me to someone who could. Havin a rough day. I have not talked to my son all day and I could not even get a hold of him to say goodnight:(

missalot, what's your problem? Tell us.

I remember after my dad left (I was 12), my mom's psoryasis (sp?) got extremly worse, (it's aggravated by stress) so much so that she lost all her hair and her entire body was covered in scales. I had to give her a masssage every night in baby oil, and then she slept in a plastic sweat suit every night. I spent months and months giving her body rubs. She was so depressed with her husband leaving there wasn't room for her to see to my needs; I had to see to hers. Seeing everyone's story helps us see ours in a better light.

Oh hi missalot, I'm so sorry I was away from keyboard awhile!

Are you still around? Please, if you are let me know. And if you want my email addy let me know. I'll check back every 15 minutes, ok?

Hi miss, thanks for the kind words. How are you doing today? Do you still need to talk, or was it covered on the other threads?

OH! By the way, what a thread is: Right now you are reading a "thread" I started, and the name of the thread is "discovered his Emotional Needs, now what?". You have a thread you started, on this board (Emotional Needs) and I replied there, and you replied to my reply. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> You also have a thread on the General Questions II board. Last night when I saw your questions here, I went there to try to find you.

You've asked what a thread was several times, sorry!

Jayne,

What I want to know is if your H is still going without underwear and toiletries.

Inquiring minds, ya know?

LA

ROFL!!! I plumb forgot about that...

Ah no, I felt guilty the first time he asked if I knew where his shorts were. (Yes he was still wearing shorts in November, he's a Canuck, eh?) So I said, "Well, I was gonna say I don't know..." and he started smiling, and waiting... so I told him his shorts were in the closet and that I'd also hid his underwear and toiletries. He asked me if I was going to tell him where those were, and I said yes, because I'm nicer than he is. (said with a smile)

All that was done in a good "tone" if you know what I mean.

The past few days I've been less than nice. H has been pretty patient with me but I've been feeling frustrated with other aspects of him, and letting some LBs out.

Here's what I choose to say right now: Right now, for today, I will commit no LBs.

I gave him my LBQ and I don't think he's read it, and he hasn't chosen to share his yet, but I choose to commit no LBs as far as I know.

LA, thanks for the smile... still going without underwear and toiletries... lol

HEY DARLIN'! My days are still very wishy washy. I feel like I have soooo many issues and worry that I will overwhelm people with them or seem like I am feeling sorry for my self. But...I am feeling sorry for myself and I think if anyone else has gone thru what I have in the short period of time I have, they would feel sorry for themselves too. I have learned that sometimes it is okay to have a pitty party for yourself.
Today has been a pretty rough day all around. This is the longest I have EVER been away from my son. I did go out to the house to visit him tho. It was so refreshing to feel his sweet little hugs and kisses.
I found a note my WH had jotted down on the 28th of November. It read "Carl tried to plug in his nightlight and when I said no he said "mommie lets me" " WHAT is he doing I wonder. Why would he be jotting things down against me. I would NEVER let my son plug in his own nightlight! Outlets+4year old= DANGEROUS!
And I thought things were going well with my WH and I! So then why would he not just ask me about it or tell me he was uncomfortable with what our son said?

catperson-
what problem would you like me to start with? so many of them. I can answer whatever you would like to know. I am a very open and honest person so if you would like, go to my original post in GQII and read the first one. That might give you an idea of what is going on with me. Then you can ask whatever you want! I love advicce and comfort right now.
I understand about you and your mother. my 4 year old boy has been taking care of my EN's. And I developed severe acne. My hfeart goes out to you as a child.
God bless
love always
ps
my favorite quote...ALWAYS BLESSINGS...NEVER LOSSES

Jayne,

Good to know...thank you for receiving that smile...I smiled when I asked.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

I read where you 'fessed up...just didn't get your well-written scene...and I love your scenarios...and now I got what I wanted.

I see reconnection...you glow with it...are you expecting constant reconnection without any disconnection? What expectations are at play, maybe even hidden from yourself in your mind? Frustration is a great signal.

LA

Hi LA, thanks for the thought-food. Our power went out last night for several hours so I had no internet connection. (Fortunately it was right *after* dinner! We told ghost stories and went to bed by candlelight.) I'll answer quickly now, before work. I may have more to say after thinking on it, but if you have any more comments/questions I welcome them.

Am I expecting constant reconnection without disconnection? Hmmm... probably!

What am I expecting... ok... I think I am expecting to suddenly have a H who gives H&O and Conversation to a certain level. And that level is probably much higher than H's level. H may in fact feel that he's making attempts toward H&O and Conv.

Without disconnection? Yes. (I'm not saying that I consciously agree this is the right way to be, I'm just saying this is what I think I'm doing.) Yes, every bump in the road seems like proof of an unspannable chasm ...

When I'm coming from a good place, the bumps I approach with humor, and H responds with humor. That feels like a good way to handle conflicts with H. I wonder if sometimes H takes me less seriousl because of that approach (lol kinda ironic - I'm complaining he doesn't take my humorous requests/complaints seriously!)

And then I feel frustrated.

I'll keep thinking about this, thanks for the questions.

Two quick asides:

1- I started reading HNHN again, started back at the beginning to review (by flashlight and candlelight!). I keep thinking that he really makes having an affair sound attractive!?!?! I know that is just at the beginning, to let people know how important it is to meet each others' needs, but each time I've read that I've thought, wow that sure sounds great, having someone else meet my needs for Conv.... Am I the only one who reads it that way? I'm thinking maybe I should NOT encourage H to read it. I wouldn't want him to think, hey that sounds great, having someone else meet my needs for admiration and RC?!?!

2- So I come here this morning and see a lot happened while my power was out, maybe starting before and I just wasn't following those threads. Have we really lost JL????? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> *sigh*

Jayne, I definitely didn't read HNH that way. I had focused on the things that I was missing. Then, HNHN showed me all the things that were great in our marriage that I wasn't fully experiencing.

Lost JL? I don't see any reference to this? Is he okay?

Isn't that the point of the HNHN intro...to show just how easily anyone could fall into an affair if we are not actively trying to love our mate and meet his/her needs? It is just human nature. Obviously, Harley isn't encouraging it, he just wants the readers to see how possible it really is when the love bank is empty.

When I read that part, I thought more about how this could be attractive to my H if I dropped the ball rather than how it could be attractive to me. I thought, wow...my H may have any number of admiring co-workers/friends/etc that are meeting those needs. If I'm not concientious of his needs daily, I could drive him into the arms of one of those women.

Yes you are right, I guess I should just keep reading...

Ok. I just had a really really bad day at work. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> I was having a panic attack, and I posted a nondescript plea for help and then I edited it out so that's why the post above sounds abrupt. I think it sounds a little like I may have been offended, but really I was just trying to say *something* rather than have a deleted post.

So there.

On the bright side - H did provide emotional support. Yay! I had to wait till he got the kids though their homework, and in bed, but then he came and talked and held me, and helped me send some emails.

I still feel like I'm a failure, but at least H and kids love me. Even if H doesn't always show it how I want. Tonight he showed it when/how I needed it.

I hate my job. I love my H. My H loved his job. It makes no sense that he quit his job to be jobless with me at my job.

I feel like a failure and a horrible person. I feel like I hate myself.

Ok. I'm on ADs and the last time I got the rx filled, I was told that now there's a generic version and I have to take that or pay full price. I went online and a lot of folks report probs with the generic version. Something about the time release doesn't work properly. I wonder if that's what's going on.

I was thinking after I posted...this may be a good way to discuss this chapter with your H. To say something like: I know there are a lot of people meeting your needs everyday, and I want to be the one who does the best job. I don't want this to happen to us, and I don't think it will if I can pin down exactly how to love you in the most meaningful ways.

I'm sorry work was crummy! I admire how you are able to let that go and focus on the good right away. What an encouragement that your H met your needs on a day you needed it most <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />. Can you call your Dr. and see if it is possible for him to write the prescription in such a way that a generic cannot be given in its place? If you are not responding well, it may be worth a shot!

I also would definitely tell your doctor the generic isn't working and he has to specify no generic. They make those designations all the time. My mom worked for a doctor.

I'm sorry you feel like a failure. I actually admire you. And envy you. A husband who doesn't sit on the couch the minute he gets home, and who doesn't move directly from the couch to the bed where he expects sex and for me to stay up and watch tv with him even if it's midnight, and pouts if I don't? You've got some blessings to count, girl! Of course, I know it doesn't feel like that in depression (right there with ya). But maybe you could write on a piece of paper the things that are going well for you, such as H helping with the children, and helping you with emails, etc. and paste them on your bathroom mirror, so you can remind yourself of them every day. Keep changing it up. See if it gets bigger, which it should, since you're here and working on your M. That list on the mirror really works. *gotta go make me one*