Hi all. My OC is now 30. I didn't find out that my husband had an OC until we had been married for 3 years. Her mom was an ex-girlfriend who had visited us for a weekend. Although I was very upset, I decided to stay married.

I met the OC when she was 15 months old, and just fell in love with her. She spent every weekend with us, and sometimes we had her for several months at a time. As I grew more attached to her, I asked my husband and the OW to put something in writing, but they never got around to it, and I just let it go.

Then I had 2 boys, and it felt like one big happy family.

When the OC was 8, the OW moved across the country with a boyfriend, and took the OC. She stayed dark, and we completely lost contact.

So fast-forward 22 years. I'd always told my sons that they had a sister somewhere. They've had her picture, and knew all the childhood stories.

Last week, my son was checking his "My Space", and there was a message from his sister. Here it is-

Date: May 3, 2007 12:46 AM


hi my name is jessie ____ and i am looking for my brothers i have two one that should b 25 named _______ and the other that should b 21 to 22 named after my dad ______ we called him (childhood nickname). both boys were born in
san francisco ca their moms name is believer. i know my dad has passed away and that is the last i ever heard from my step mom she seemed to disappear. i would like tremendosly to meet my brothers i am 30. please take a moment to look over my space and deside if these things above are true of ur life and please contact me. i am afraid tho that neither of my brothers may not know of myself and our 38 year old sister tht i found about 7 years ago. please let me know. thanx

Both of my sons and I answered her message, and told her how happy we were to have her back in our life. And then she responded with this-

"hi there well what to say first! i guess that ive loved u guys including ur mom for alot of years ive never doubted that i would find u guys and i really wanna c u i live 7 hours away from u guys i have 4 days off a week so maybe the week after mothers day i can come c u guys agian if im moving too fast just let me know cuz its been a long time waiting for me. i promised dad that if i ever got lost or taken away from u guys that i would find you and never stop looking until all of us knew each other and i have heard he wasnt such a good guy over the years but to me he was a good dad although i only had him a few years in my life. i made a promise and nothing was or is going to stop me. i grew up with my mom until i was 11 then my aunt ______ adupted me and ive been her daughter since. although it was my decision to leave my mom. she wasnt so great for a pre teen or teenager to have as a mom. i gotta send this i got alot to say to u guys, most of all i love you and in my head i still can c u in the car seat buckled in as my mom drug me away from my family. i can c u in moms tummy, its hard for me to call her believer cuz i never called her that she is the only person i have ever called mom besides my real mom cuz i knew the second i met her that she loved me as a mother loves their chidren. and feelin u kick, and my ear on one side of her tummy and (older son’s) on the other. we sang to u from the tape "we sing silly songs" and i was there the day u were brought home. god this is making me cry ill write later.
143 always. OC
P.S. one of the best things my real mom ever did was give me our dads last name."

Wow, believer... I never knew you had an OC.

So, what do you and your ds's think about all this? So out of the blue, hey?

Is she moving too fast, or are you going to see her next week?

She sounds like a nice young woman.

I hope things work out for everyone.... whatever happens.

I cried for months when she was taken away, and now am crying again. My sons are excited but upset for the time they lost with their sister. They are also angry with their dad's family who never recognized the OC.

So apart from just journaling, and writing all of this down, I have some advice for those facing the decision of whether or not to have contact with an OC. Really it is for those who choose contact.

When I found out about the OC, I almost divorced my husband. Then I decided to honor my vows and stay married. I had no children then, and chose to meet the OC. I loved her immediately. I was so happy to have my husband, my marriage, and this child that I was not making good choices.

I should have INSISTED on a paternity test. I should have INSISTED that they go to court and have everything legalized. I knew that was the thing to do, but left it up to my husband and OW.

So I grew to love the OC, and she was part of our family. My husband paid child support for 8 years. Everything was fine, until OW decided to move to Georgia with her lover. It happened very quickly, with less than a couple days notice. Looking back I realize that we could probably have gone to court and got an emergency hearing. But at the time, we didn't realize that we would never hear from OC again.

My husband died in 2001. I don't know where the OW is, and neither does the OC. The two of them left a big mess for everyone else to work through.

AutumnDay -

I haven't told too many people about the OC, not even my parents or sister until now. My boys are extremely excited about meeting her. OC was always in their life through words and stories, so they are not shocked. The three of them talked today on the phone, and there are plans for OC to come spend some time with us. Actually we are hoping that she will move here.

Wowieeeee,
Who knew.

In any case your quotes above are part of the evidence that runs contrary to the Attitude this is blasted on this board the majority of the time.

As I am one of the Betrayed COM that are USED as the excuse of NC,
its evident that its Not the children that are the REAL reason .......its the Adults.

So good for your sons and their sister! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
And shame on those Adults that condemn other siblings to this same/similar situation. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

******************
[edit]
Were you still married to your H at the time of his death?

I'm crying too Believer.

I'm so happy for you.

I'd die if I could never see my babies again...I can only imagine...

(((BELIVER)))

My sons have been in constant phone and email contact with the OC. I bought her a ticket to fly down and spend some time with us. We are all very excited.

I talked to her about the time she was with her mom. She even told me that her mom only wanted her for the money she got from welfare. Actually, I always thought so too. I didn't tell OC that though. She has a lot of bad feelings for her mom. Her mom changed her name when she was in school, and I think that is part of the reason we couldn't find her.

I did tell her I'd asked her father and mom to get things done legally, and they both agreed, but never did anything about it. She has very good memories of her father.

She and my sons have discussed getting DNA testing. It will cost $2,000, which I thought was kind of high. I'm certain that she is my ex's child because she looks exactly like him. But I will leave it up to them.

believer~

You should be able to get a good, reliable dna test for much, much less. Definitely look around.

Wishing you all the very best with your reunion.

Thanks Autumn Day. It seemed high to me. My sons and OC are the ones looking into it, and I have no idea who they called about it.

I suggest that EVERYONE who might be going through this get DNA tests. But the girl does look exactly like her father. He had light blond hair and piercing blue eyes, and so does she.

It's going to me strange, because in my mind she is still 8 years old.

Why DNA?

For cemented confirmation?

What would happen if she wasn't related by DNA? Would it make a difference in your love of the child that she was? Would it matter to the boys?

I'm just asking...and am not trying to be confrontational...

You see, B, I don't think it would matter to you all. I think that's the kind of generous spirits you have.

But thats me on the outside looking in.

- Kimmy

Kimmy - It makes no difference to me. She is the one who wants the DNA, and my sons agreed. It's that whole looking for your roots thing.

I wouldn't be surprised if she ends up living in our town. She only talks to her mom every 6 months or so, and hasn't seen her for 10 years.

I thought so.

Tell her from me that family sometimes grows in your heart, not someone's tummy.

DNA testing shouldn't cost so much. I would look around. I remember paying $4oo-600 for the testing. And I can totally understand wanting to know finally unequically where you belong.

Wow... I've got chills reading this. I'm so glad she found you guys again believer!!

Believer, you have a generous, loving heart. How tragic Xow gave up her dau, but not to your family! I'm happy for you all that she found you.

I do wish you would not judge NC families harshly. Each situation is different; for some, NC is the only way to preserve the marriage, or, like yours, is caused entirely BY the Xow!

Congradulations on your reunion! What a great story.
J
married 20y
3 COM
OC visitation

Jenny - Thanks. I don't judge NC families. If I had it to do over again, I might choose that path. There were years of turmoil caused by the OW. I can't even remember how many places she got evicted from. My husband paid child support, paid for medical and dental, bought clothes, and very little went to the OC. It was just one thing after another.

And after all of it, she was taken from our lives.

The point of my posting is to let others know that if they do choose contact that they get things done legally - DNA test, and court ordered visitation per the wishes of the father and his family.

The fact is that contact with this child was held over our heads, and the OW was always demanding "ransom". When things didn't go her way, she took the child and disappeared.

I am convinced that the only way to have contact is with a legal agreement, driven by the father and his WIFE, not by the OW.

You will notice that the OW is out of the picture, the father is dead, and the rest of us are left to sort this out.

Believer, your story brings a tear to my eye! Cant wait to hear about the reuinion.

We are headed to the airport to pick up my son's sister. I'm a little nervous, although I have talked a bunch on the phone to her the last couple of weeks.

My sons completely cleaned their house. What a shock! It looks real nice. They are very excited about her visit.

Wish us luck.