Pep,
there are more than 2 things happening at the same time in some instances .... one instance being when DISCOVERY of the affair happends for the BS at the same time that WITHDRAWL begins for the WS
I think this is where you & I might part ways (philosophically speaking) .... in this instance
I wonder if it's a philosophical parting, or a "circumstantial" parting.... Read on...
I personally could not have plan A'd right after D Day. I was not eating or sleeping. I was crying and yelling mostly. I would stare off into space. I kept losing my way while driving familiar streets. I took 2 weeks off of work because I was not functional.
My H could have been in severe withdrawl and I would not have seen it. I was totally in survival mode for myself.
I get this. Completely. It sounds as though you had NO IDEA anything was amiss until d-day, am I right?
In my case, it was basicly the opposite. My H learned about the affair 2 or 3 weeks AFTER I told him I didn't love him and thought I wanted to split-up. He was already focused on all the rotten things he'd been doing, so when he found out I had cheated, he was in the mindset of "I've been making this woman miserable for years", and I think he wasn't even that surprised.
If he had asked me to give him hugs & understanding because he missed the OW, I would NOT have been kind. (putting it mildly, LOL)
Well, I've always thought it was odd that FWS are encouraged to share their withdrawl struggles with their BS. I couldn't imagine heaping that insult on top of the injury. I may have been sad and distant during withdrawl... but I sure didn't tell my H it was b/c I was missing OM.
If your husband was able to even ~try~ to reach out to you & comfort you immediately after D Day, he is to be commended for this indeed.
I agree.
Is it not equally incumbent for the WS to put aside their withdrawl and comfort the BS in his/her pain?
Yes. It is. In my case, my H didn't share his pain with me very much. I did the best I could when he did.
And don't forget that it was just a couple of weeks after d-day that I learned about my H's porn addiction. Yet another complicating factor.
That's what I mean by "circumstantial". So many factors can come into play.
--The timing and manner of discovery.
--The state of the marriage before the affair, and who played what role in making it that way.
--The feelings of the WS toward the BS (those who say they never stopped loving their BS vs those who had nothing but resentment for them)
--Basic personality of the individuals involved.
I think all of those factors and others will affect how people react to d-day... and deal with the fallout afterward.
So, back to my original point -- that plan-A is important during withdrawl. I guess I should ammend my position to say: If you can manage to pull off plan-A during withdrawl, it might improve your chances for recovery. But if can't manage it, certainly nobody's going to fault you. (How's that?)
As for your other question. He's what I believe is refered to as "functional".
--SC
