L2H I have had the same problem reading MB. I eventually had to just stop reading here for several months and try to keep focused on my marriage and situation. Even now I seem to have slipped back into reading here too much while at work and sometimes getting triggered badly by other people's stories. It doesn't seem to affect me so much now that more time has passed and the two of us have made more progress though.

Some have suggested sticking to your own thread and avoiding reading other stories if its having a negative effect.

Haven't posted in a while b/c reading the posts and focusing on this was triggering me too much and I was becoming paranoid and a little accusatory toward my wife w/o real reasons... major LB, I guess.

I want to share some progress and solicit some encouragement and/or ideas...

It's been 4.5 months since D-Day, 8wks of pretty good behavior by me, 5wks since I got the "I love you but am not in love with you" / "you can't meet my EN" speech.

We find time to do things together (prob 10-12hrs/wk). When it's just the two of us, we have fun but when we go out with friends, she seems more focused on hanging with her GF than sharing the time with me.

When I ask her if she thinks things are getting better, she generally doesn't think so or only seems to think they are only marginally better sometimes.

She seems a bit focused on getting time out with her girlfriends... more so than trying to get time with us, though she does make an effort to get babysitters so we can get some time, also. I don't think NC is being broken b/c I know the GFs and know where they are and who is there.

Still no affection initiated by her. Sometimes mild response to my affection toward her but often it feels a bit indifferent and sometimes an outright imposition. Rare SF, and again, only at my initiation and no closeness afterward.

She says she will read the book I purchased for us but has not actually made the time to do this... though, to be fair, she is very busy with life with three kids. She also has fanatically started organizing the house... spending hours cleaning closets, desks, cupboards, etc..

MC seems a little stuck... she says she feels she can't be herself with me but can't articulate what that is or why she can't be herself.

I've gently tried to discuss the lack of affection and, what appears to be, lack of commitment to doing tangible things to move us ahead but these conversations seem to end up with me saying I don't think she is doing enough which, as you might expect, don't seem to actually help too much.

I am trying to push things forward... encouraging her to read the books with me, find time for us, share affection with me or at least respond to my affection but a lot of the time it feels like this is coming across as nagging. What can I do? I feel if I don't do these things, she won't either and they will never happen.

Also, as I said, she seems focused on making sure she finds time for herself (under strict NC guidelines). I understand her need as a mom of three to get some time w/ GF or for volunteer work so she can clear her head but it makes me a bit jealous that she sometimes seems more focused on getting time for herself rather than finding time for us. My IC tells me I should allow (or even encourage) this as it shows I am willing to allow her to be herself and am encouraging her to build herself up. Makes sense but shouldn't I also be trying to get her to spend this time with me? Where is the happy median?

Early on, I posted to you the carrot and the stick of plan A. You responded thanks, but that you did not think she would go for any such plan. Keep in mind that the carrot and the stick of plan A is not for her, it is for you. Have you reviewed Plan A and are you following it? Are you making yourself a better, interesting, engaging, fun-loving, kind of guy?

It sounds like you believe no contact is in place and that she feels remorse and like a fool for falling for the guy. But during those 18 months, she was feeling on cloud nine, like a young woman with a sexy great guy courting her. Now she feels like a fool and knows that all that was fake. That's a very depressing place to be.

She looks at you and does not trust that you and she can put something like that together. Of course the two of you can't do that--if she had been able to get all that with you, she never would have gotten involved in an EA in the first place--right??? (Looking at it from her point of view.)

Interesting that she is cleaning house like mad. Isn't that one of the things that you felt she was not doing to your standards? Are you complimenting her on her efforts? Is there a way that you can show her that you feel she is creating a great little nest for you and her? Maybe a way of suggesting parts of this effort might be toward creating a "love nest"??

Anything you can buy and bring home that goes along with her efforts? Like those attractive storage containers for her shoes, hats, gloves, or whatever?

Sounds like there are still some private feelings that she has that she does not feel she can share with you--Hopefully you can build trust with her to help her know you understand. Think about that earlier paragraph about of course she can't have what she wants from you, otherwise, she would have gotten it from you instead of from the EA. Hang in there and keep making yourself into that attractive, interesting guy who is just hooked on that wonderful, special woman that is her.
Lake

LTH,
I can relate to how you feel. My H had an EA (started 1/06) turned PA(5/06), back to EA when OW moved away (8/06). He kept promising me no contact throughout that time and after, but I could always tell when they started talking-he would become distant. We had no sex from when he started PA-still. In December 2006, he said he didn't see a future with me and I asked him to move out so we could both see what life would be like. He came over almost daily, despite my asking for space, yet resumed more contact with OW. He got a phone on her plan to make secret calls and set up a private email. He saw her two times after he moved out-once included sex. He finally supposedly broke it off at the beginning of March 2007 and says he's had no contact. I'm not really sure I believe him. He initially wanted to go to MC and IC, but later went back on his word(once I agreed he could come home) and is finally going to IC starting tomorrow. He is in Midlife Crisis and the marriage, along with other things precipitated the affair. I have tried-each time he broke it off with her, to meet his needs and be supportive-not condemning. I am tired. After 1 1/2 years of back and forth, I do expect something in return. I have not gotten much remorse or recognition that OW had her own selfish motives. He still blames me for most things and does rewrite history. I know women go through crises too-many in their late thirties. It's hard to even do much when they are in the fog. My H says he doesn't want to leave and plans for the future, but there is NO affection.
I don't yell at him and blame him, but I do expect him to honestly talk about the affair, recognize my feelings, and try to meet some of my needs as I am and have been meeting many of his. I write my feelings to him also expressing that I still love him and find him attractive. I tell him what my needs are and my willingness to meet his.
I guess I feel mixed. Do I really want someone who after 1 1/2 years (where I had also tried previously to get us better connected), still plays the victim and won't attempt to be honest with himself, the therapist in order to grow? I have been to IC at various times, including last year. We've been married for 22 years and we had many good times. However, he has been depressed at times and I do feel (he would probably agree) that I gave more than he did. I don't want that to be the future of our marriage. I want us both to give equally because we want to meet needs, not because we "feel" like doing it.

Need some quick advice... been almost five months of NC after and 18 month EA.

My WW is PTO president and has been asked to present an award to the school principal at an upcoming meeting at which the OM will be present but they would not interact.

My wife wants to know if it is ok with me for her to go... this is very important to her to be recognized in this forum as the PTO president (a job which she loved doing and has never involved OM... his presence is a bad coincidence).

I asked her how she felt and how she thought I would feel. She said she knew it would bother me but had hoped enough time had passed that I wouldn't have too much of a problem. I asked her if she had any feelings left and she said no... that the whole thing seems like a long time ago now.

My IC has advised that I let her go... shows that I trust her, shows that I am willing to allow her to do things that build her up, says that sooner or later I need to trust that our relationship's survival is based on us and not on NC being in place.

I would characterize our relationship as luke warm right now. Still very little affection from her, she still says she is very unhappy and thinks that our marriage may be the cause (but isn't sure), we're still going to MC but not tons of progress there. On the other hand, she is doing some things... getting some sitters for us, we have some good times together, she is making more time for us (but not enough in my opinion).

Am I crazy to say ok? Should I go there myself as well? Should I reach out to OM to warn he stay away?

Ask her if you can go with her. It's a great opportunity for her to PROVE your trust in her. See how OM reacts to seeing the two of you together. It shows that she's willing to show everyone that you really are part of her life.

I've been to a lot of these functions...spouses are pretty much ALWAYS invited. Why would you not be?