|
|
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 259
Member
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 259 |
and this where I be still.....
WS-36
BS (me)-28
4 Kids
A started Jan 07
________________________________
Then the time came
When the risk it took
to remain tight in a bud
Was more painful than
the risk it took to blossom.
-Anais Nin
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2001
Posts: 5,906
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Sep 2001
Posts: 5,906 |
think of it this way...
the more you defuse their irrational brain...
the more the OP will begin to take on the role of the crazed psycho...
you become the sanctuary...
ARK
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 259
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 259 |
She has done that. She attacked him when he moved out, and was pressing him to divorce me.
I think I am FINALLY getting this...dear God it took me long enough!
WS-36
BS (me)-28
4 Kids
A started Jan 07
________________________________
Then the time came
When the risk it took
to remain tight in a bud
Was more painful than
the risk it took to blossom.
-Anais Nin
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2001
Posts: 5,906
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Sep 2001
Posts: 5,906 |
She attacked him when he moved out, and was pressing him to divorce me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> ark
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 6,058
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 6,058 |
hm, [color:"blue"]"She attacked him when he moved out, and was pressing him to divorce me. "[/color] A crack in the foundation of the fantasy... Exactly what is hoped for by executing Plan A.<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> Mark
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 259
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 259 |
This has been a very helpful post. I have learned so much about myself through this site.
So when WS pulls away, make it known you are still there without chasing them.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 198
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 198 |
Wow Ark, what a timely post!
I came here this morning to vent how much Plan A SUCKS for the BS. I've had a pretty bad week, mostly of my own doing in trying to engage my WW into R/M talk. I know, I know, BIG MISTAKE.
I think I may have finally learned my lesson in NOT initiating R/M talk, as I always end up getting hurt by the LBing done to me by my WW.
Your post clarified A LOT for me personally in dealing with my specific sitch.
THANK YOU!
FWH, BS (me), 43
BS, FWW, 42
DS 20, 13
PAs With W's Sister's Friend & Prostitute - SF Only (me), 1992-93
Married July 1994
Hit On W's Underage Sister & Close Friends, 1996-98
I Confessed Everything, Spring 1998
My D-Day, Jan. 2007
She Moved Out, Feb. 2007
Filed For D 4/18/07 For Legal Protection, Did Not Pursue
FWW Moved Back Home 08/05/07
Status: I'm Not Sure
(original thread of my sitch lost)
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 259
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 259 |
Along with the R/M talks, letting go of the expectations helps a lot. That was a HUGE LB.
For me, more than talking about the R/M. Breaking promises was an issue in the marriage before this happened so it is a sore spot.
I am with ya though about Plan A really sucking.
WS-36
BS (me)-28
4 Kids
A started Jan 07
________________________________
Then the time came
When the risk it took
to remain tight in a bud
Was more painful than
the risk it took to blossom.
-Anais Nin
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 259
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 259 |
I have another question..
Do you continue to snoop during Plan A?
WS-36
BS (me)-28
4 Kids
A started Jan 07
________________________________
Then the time came
When the risk it took
to remain tight in a bud
Was more painful than
the risk it took to blossom.
-Anais Nin
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 271
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 271 |
Well, I did but still kept it very covert. I didn't want it to be seen as an "in your face" challenge to WH.
I continued to snoop up into recovery when at a certain point I realized it wasn't healthy. FWH and I discussed accountability measures that would give me some peace of mind. FWH came up with a good idea and completely and immediately did all the work to implement it. This is when we (maybe primarily "I") turned the corner.
Me = FBS age 51
FWH = age 51
M 25 years, 2 children 16 and 20
D-Day 5/19/05
Recovered and happy
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 491
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 491 |
good stuff in this thread
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 3,499
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 3,499 |
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 3,499
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 3,499 |
^^^^^BUMPING for Mark's sanity^^^^^^^
READ IT PEOPLE!!!!!!
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996 |
BUMP! Plan A will not work for you if you go in to it with
ANY EXPECTATIONS
that you
will
should
could
get YOUR own EN's met....
that's is the formula for failure...
set up to fail by the BS....
I have said it a hundred times...
PLAN A must have a time frame for ending BEFORE it begins....
so that the person entering it...realizes that they will be giving and doing things that go against...
societies advice...drop em dump em slam em....
friends and family who love you and CAN NOT stand to see you hurt.....
and even your gut instincts....IT'S NOT FAIR... that I the BS do this when the WS doessn't deserve it...
again and again and again...
the deep seeded rationalization it takes for a person to engage in an affair...
is the complete compartimentalization of reality
and has been building in their thought long before the affair 'officially began"
you must
must
must...
be willing to accept that the BS has been mentally villified to
excuse
justify
and
rationalize affair actions.......
PLAN A is allll about and in my opinion....
opening up communication
in tiny tiny avenues
always giving the WS exactly what they don't EXPECT
this is NOT door matt behavior....but like PEP once BRILLIANTLY concluded...
a WELCOME HOME MATT
love that cerebral picture....
you know what exactly feeds in to the WS justification...
behaving in a way that gives them the weapon to aim at you...
PLAN A is not grandiose fix it now
PLAN A is not about addressing deep marital issues....
that is also set up to fail as the WS is in total
justification mode....
PLAN A is NOT long drawn out talks that go way in to the night.....
When you pick your end date...the FIRST step in plan A....
then you build a road map...of all the things you can do that get the WS attention...
small verbal interchanges
small gestures....
WS spouses are drawn to say that even when the affair relationship is failing.....
that there is too much damage done already to fix the marriage....
there is great fear in facing their actions.....
and forcing them to do so when they are in this mode is also setting up for failure...
push for the apologies...and woe to you who get it without true meaning because you will not have true remorse...
but remorse that will again become the weapon....
PLAN A is full of hope and NOT about fixing things in the marriage in that the WS needs to address...
THAT is what recovery is for...
PLAN A is never ever about getting a committment from the WS to do something....
again hand the weapon
you will hear...
you made me
you forced me
you controlled me....
PLAN A is about setting your boundaries....that are full of actions for the BS and NONE for the WS
in a good plan A you can say...
I didn't make you choose anything...
I just refuse to be part of a triangle...period...
you my dear WS will make your own choice as well....
and then add....
with a warm smile...
remember my love....
doing nothing is a choice as well......
People that do plan A well find great freedom and creativity in the doing and giving and meeting of ENs...
people that expect their needs to be met...
flounder and get crushed....
please please please use the board here to ground yourself in plan A....
digging deep for its short term actions........of great sacrifice.......knowing the payoff is down the line.....
NOT while in plan A....
never in plan A....
I could go on and on and on about this......
If you don't understand this...use this board....
ARK
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 235
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 235 |
I FOUND THIS VERY HELPFUL IN UNDERSTANDING PLAN A
Me: BH 40
WW 39
S13, D9
Married 15 yrs together 19!!!
D Day July 11,2011
WW in P.A. with OW
WW wants D
Almost done
Former Tryingtofeelgood
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650 |
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
|
|
|
Moderated by Ariel, BerlinMB, Denali, Fordude, IrishGreen, MBeliever, MBsurvivor, MBSync, McLovin, Mizar, PhoenixMB, Toujours
|
0 members (),
672
guests, and
84
robots. |
|
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
|
|
