Like many others here that I have seen over the years, the swinging and open marriages became a way to fix a marriage in trouble. It's crazy I know but I am not the only one. I think it starts with the distancing and loss of emotional intimacy that occurs when our needs are not being met. You are afraid to leave, fixing it seems so difficult, and you somehow you think you just need some excitement.

This next part is going to be difficult to understand. When you finally cross over that line to swinging its as if you are closer than you have ever been. You feel like you have the most honest relationship in the world because you can actually have sex with others and talk about. You feel unique, immune to any affairs, and special. Its a complete illusion but the illusion seems real.

This illusion of the perfect marraige lasts until there is a problem. Someone "forgets" to tell the other person about a phone call or an email. Suspicions start, but you are told that jealousy is normal in the lifestyle and its your problem to deal with. You find out when you were out of town that your wife decided it was ok to see someone. Your feelings about this are dismissed because you were a willing participant and somehow you agree that you really never got around to figuring out what the rules are. You try to set some rules and boundaries but by then it's too late. You are told by the swinging crowd that as long as there is honesty you don't need rules. Anything goes as long as you tell each other about it. You are told you are too controlling and demanding. She says "I don't think I want to stop just because you say so, but I will, but reluctantly"

This becomes the big lie. She doesn't stop and just continues underground. It becomes a full blown affair and you feel like its 100% your fault because you were a swinger.

So the fantasy world you both created comes crashing down for the person that wakes up out of this insane fog. Exposure ineffective in my case and in fact enabled her to continue. The only truth was between me and God.

If I were to do it all over again I would leave the past swinging history behind and expose the affair for what it is in this moment - adultry, cheating, and betrayal. If my WW wants to blame it on swinging, she should be the one to try to convince everyone that she was the victim. I would have never lost the support of family and friends if I just exposed the affair and not the swinging. Big mistake. Big lesson for others to learn. These things ARE different.

The second big lesson is don't waste your time in Plan A. The WS needs an immediate, strong wake-up call to snap them out of this fog. Draw the new monogamous marriage boundary and go to Plan B directly without passing Go. Give them a Plan B letter, shut the door, wait, and pray. Use the threat of exposing the swinging activities as leverage to get them out of the house. No one wants to be exposed as swinger. It's a lot more difficult and embarrassing to explain that you are a swinger than just having an affair. Look how MB treats swingers on here. They are lepers of the worst kind.

So when I suggested a special topic area for recovering from open marriages, this is what I had in mind. Lessons learned and a moderated place for the BS to go without the stonings. A place of grace for those that made some terrible choices in their life.

You are told by the swinging crowd that as long as there is honesty you don't need rules.