I struggle to post regularly, because most of the time by the time I get the kids halfway taken care of I am too exhausted to type. I lurk most nights.

Today I am simply so consumed w/ anger that I can't function. I have a headache from it.

I went to DivorceCare tonight and couldn't focus. I am so angry that my wife has chosen this for us all that I can't stand it.

I want justice. I have daydreams about confronting the OM. My wife is so consumed by the fog it's crazy. I can't grasp how a sane person can become so deceived. I can't accept that she could be so selfish to choose this against the wisdom of all her friends, family, church, and prior experiences.

Our MC is going to confront her with the truth tomorrow if she keeps her appt.

If she reschedules again, then I'm going to write her a B letter.

I'm feel myself being consumed w/ anger and not caring. I feel like I should be sick and tired of her s#!t by now, and I want to be angry enough that I can be.

Frustratedly yours,

homuch, why have you chosen to live like this for almost 10 years? My God, no wonder you are angry! But you are angry with the wrong person, my friend. It is you who has volunteered for this abuse. Why have you done this?

I know I sound like a blinded, abused spouse making excuses for their spouse, but it's really hard to describe how our marriage has been between the affairs. I need to post my whole story sometime, but it'd be a long read. My wife has been very repentant and has been a great wife between the affairs.

Sounds sick, I know. Maybe I truly am the one that's sick. I feel like Hosea.

I added a link to my story in my signature, if you're interested. I couldn't figure out how to make it a hyperlink.

Believe me, I know how it seems, in regards to your comment about "between beatings".

I am currently dealing with some anger issues of my own so I know a little bit about it.

What is it you want? Are you willing to have a 60% wife who likes to go on the occasional walkabout? If so, suck it up and deal with it. Don't get angry about it. This was your choice - not hers.

I used to think my WW was the most beautiful, perfect woman in the world. Now I see her differently.

So what is wrong with you that you would allow someone to do this to you? What do you like about playing the victim? Were your parents passive/aggressive? Mine were.


Maybe you are. Don't discount the idea. Get some help for you - not the marriage.

ok, I read that. I wonder if you believe you can change her after all this? I am trying to understand why you would choose to live like this.

It's not that I think "I" can change her. I just believe in her as a person. She is the bride of my youth. I feel silly trying to type this out. Maybe I'm just afraid. I truly love her, deeply. I want the best for her, and I know this is not it. I know she knows this too. I hurt for her.

You are simply in your own fog. She is NOT the bride of your youth. She hasn't been the bride of your youth in years. She is a serial adulteress with absolutely no morals. You are looking at her through rose colored glasses. Get rid of the glasses.

No, but I believe she can heal from this.


How long did this take?


I am in IC.

It happened in the blink of an eye. It was about 1 year after Dday and 7 months after NC and her supposed commitment to our M. I found a stash of love letters and photographs. In that instant, I saw WW in a completely different light. Hard to describe exactly but my first thought was along the lines that she was pathetic. Not exactly the right word but close enough.

I don't understand what this means. Do you mean you choose to believe a false image instead of the truth?

But you have no reason to believe she WILL. Anyone can heal from most anything if they CHOOSE. Doesn't mean they will. In the meantime, yoking yourself with this evil is dragging you down and killing you. Surely you can see that?

I don't know how to respond.

I see that your D-day was in the same proximity as one of mine and now your happily recovered.

Up until October of last year, I was "happily recovered". I was blindsided by this.

If it happened to you right now, how would you feel? Would these last five years evaporate and mean nothing? Seriously, how would you feel if you were betrayed again? Would your love cease?

howmuch, yes, my love would cease and I would end the marriage. However, my H had ONE affair, your wife is a serial cheater with whom cheating is a way of life. She has had FOUR affairs. You have chosen to willingly stay married to a serial cheater.

I think it comes down to a matter of acceptance. You know how she is and you know what to expect. If you choose to live with a cheater, then you should accept your choice and not complain when she does what you know she will do.

Because really, you have no right to complain about this anymore, howmuch. You have volunteered knowing fully what you were signing up for. You have CHOSEN to live like this. This is a CHOICE, not a sentence.

I got M'd to a woman who cheated on me before we tied the knot, sweared that it would NEVER happen again, then turned around and did it 12 years later, using our home and our bed as one of her rendezvous points. Knowing how *that* makes me feel, two years' after DD and 21 months after the A actually ended, I can imagine how your current situation makes *you* feel!

To be blunt, IMO you deserve better. Yes, you can continue to love her, but it takes more than just love to make a successful M. Do you really want to stick it out with her and continue to go through these cycles of hurt and pain every time a new OM strikes her fancy? I've BDTD twice, and frankly, once should have been enough to show me that M material she wasn't. But, after the first time it happened, I thought that love would be enough, and we loved each other...

I should add that I would not stay married regardless of my "love" for him. That would be inconsequential to my decision to stay with him. It takes much, much more than "love" to make a marriage viable.

No I am not happily recovered. The A is ancient history but we are still in the woods and haven't found which side of the tree the moss is on yet.

Both WW and I know very well that if this ever happens again, she is out the door. My last two years have been the worst of my life (not including high school). I will never ever go through this again. WW got a chance because I believe she may simply have made a mistake. If she repeats, it won't be a mistake - it will be an indication that she is simply an adulteress.

I will not let my DDs be raised by a woman who is a serial cheater. I will not let her be their role-model. I have also seen that there are a lot more women out there if I ever find myself single again.

What I have learned is that I don't need WW. I choose to be married to her at the moment but if that changes, I know I will be just fine. The difference between you and me is that, for some reason you have not explained or don't understand, you NEED your WW and are willing to accept unconscionable behavior on her part in order to keep her in your life. You have compromised your morals to meet your needs. I just think you need to find out why you have done this.

I love the story of Hosea and Gomer. It is a wonderful testament to love. I do remember that Gomer was not living with her husband while she was being the town ho.

I also don't think they had children in the home witnessing all of it.

You are hurting yourself and your children by enabling your wife. A repentent person turns away from the sin. Don't be surprised if your daughters grow up to be promiscuous too.

I helped my ex raise 4 girls. Their mom lived a life of promiscuity. Despite being raised in church and a loving home, all 4 of them got married, and have cheated on their husbands. They couldn't escape the sins of their mother.