HERE <~~~ read all of the links

Read the emotional needs section

Believer- I am working on my drinking. I am trying to understand why she sees this as a problem; however, she is not willing to talk to me about this. I have been going individual counseling for over a year.

As far as NC, we talk and she each other a lot. We spent the last two weekends together except overnight. You may be right, but I am giving her the benefit of the doubt for now.

I am just looking for a way to move things forward.

PEP- I try to read through as many links as I can, but I thought that someone who has been around might know a good thread that I should start from the beginning. Some of these threads are over 5000 posts.

I don't know, losinit. If my husband told me he wanted a divorce because of my drinking, I would quit drinking immediately. It wouldn't matter if I understood the REASON he saw it as a problem or not. I don't need the REASON. Drinking is not important enough for me to risk a marriage.

Drinking is not worth losing a marriage over for me either. If you read my earlier post, you would know that my drinking did get out of hand. For the past two years I used it to drown my feelings. After my WW and I separated and I confronted her about the A, I was able to reign my drinking in, and I do not have a problem with it. I do not drink around my WW, and I am with her most evenings and every weekend. My wife wanted a divorce because she was having an EA/PA. My drinking was a convenient excuse. My WW is no stranger to drinking, and often came home from her time with the OM after having more than a couple of drinks.
I realize that drinking is an issue in our marriage, but we can't begin to work on that until we begin to deal with the A.

Friend, I think you need to do a real good, military-grade surveillance of what your WW is doing.

Like others, I don't buy the "I need space" argument from a WW. It is right out of the Cheating Spouse's Handbook. Frankly, you haven't written anything which would lead me to conclude she's in withdrawal from a long term affair.

In my signature area, below, is a link to a thread on spying. I think you should review it and get some facts on which to base your supposition your WW is in NC. If you can, hire yourself a good private investigator. If not, there are some good tips in the thread below.

I suggest you stop drinking entirely. If you need help with doing that, you need to go back to AA. Quit dancing around the issue, okay? Whether your WW used it as an excuse isn't relevant to whether it's a good thing for you! Consider it a part of your Plan A.

Losinit, as you can see, folks are having a difficult time answering your question about exposure. For myself, it's because it seems there may be other issues that need to be addressed first. Perhaps it's the same for others out here.

First things first...I believe you need to nail down whether your WW is actually in NC. If she isn't, as I suspect, the advice from everyone here will be to expose and you'll get all kinds of pointers on how to do it. If she factually IS in NC, there won't be a point in exposure. It's purpose will have already been realized.

The one exception I can think of off the top of my head about the above is if the OM is married or in a committed relationship. If that is the case, OMW needs to be informed ASAP.

LH- Thanks for your post. I really liked the links you provided. I am fairly confident that my WW is NC. I have kept a close eye on her and can account for most of her time. I also have a 17 year old DS living with her.

I mentioned earlier in a post that the OM is married, but it is a marriage of convenience (they share a business). His W knows about the A, but she has no sway with her H.

I know we are a suspicious lot do to our common problem, but I have to ask you to believe me when I say that my drinking is no longer a problem. If and when I drink it is a couple of beers or a glass of wine at a restaurant. I never drink around WW. I do consider this part of my plan A. The truth is I changed my drinking habits when I saw what I was doing to myself. I do not go to AA currently, but I am in Counseling, and I have some good friends that support me and watch me closely to ensure that I don't slip into a self destructive drinking habit again.

My WW is definitely in withdrawal. She is not asking for "space". She started individual counseling a few weeks back and is just asking that I give her time to get settled with that before we go to couples counseling. She is not asking to be left alone. In fact, we spend time together almost every day, and we talk on the phone at least once a day. She usually calls me late in the evening to say good night.

Good luck, pardner. I wish you all the best.

Is there any appropriate way to confront the OM, or do I just let that ship sail?

losinit, I would strongly suggest that you get ahold of the OMW and tell her about the affair. That will help ensure that the affair stays ended from that end. She can become your ally in stopping the affair. If it has, in fact, stopped.

And about your drinking. If it caused you such a problem, why not just stop? You say you aren't addicted, so that should be a snap. If bananas caused you to act badly, you would stop eating bananas, right?

Why is she staying away? Is it because you were impossible to live with when you were drinking or is it because she is still having an affair or planning a resumption?

Contacting OM is likely a useless endeavor. I agree with Mel that you might contact OMW...but you'd mentioned earlier in your thread that they pretty much have an open marriage. Do you know this as fact, or is it hearsay from your WW?

It sounds to me like you need to work a standard plan A here...and part of that would indeed to 'better yourself' by removing the alchohol, especially since your wife uses that as a reason to have left you.

Mel and Owl

Thanks for your comments. As far as the OMW, she is a lesbian. She has had several live in girl friends over the past few years. They sleep in the master BR, and OM sleeps in a room in the basement. I know both of them very well because I was friends with the OM prior to the A. The only reason they are still together is because they share a business. She actually owns 51% which puts the OM in a bad spot. She can't run the business without him, and he would lose everything he has if he were to leave.

As far as my WW is concerned, she moved out three months ago. At the same time, OM moved out of his house and into his office. He must have been showing my WW his commitment to their relationship. When my WW went NC three weeks ago, OM promptly moved back home. Apparently he got over the A fairly quickly.

My WW is staying away because:
1. The affair was still on until 3 weeks ago.
2. She hasn't finished withdrawal.

The good news is that we spent the day together yesterday, and WW agreed to go to couples counseling. I made the appointment today.

I used plan A to end the A. However, when the A ended, my wife still hadn't agreed to work on our M. Since we are separated, I continued to use plan A to get her to come around. We have not begun to work on our marital issues. Now that she has committed to counseling, I am going to use SAA to begin to work things out. I plan to approach her tonight about moving in with her and ramp up the Precautions to ensure that the A does not reignite.

I also want to have a counseling session with MB so she can understand the process and realize that it is not something that I pulled out of my a**. I have introduced her to the material, but her priority has been on individual counseling.

This has been a learning process for me. I'm sure that I have made many mistakes. Up until now, my WW has not been willing to address our M. My only resource has been MB and my instincts.

I welcome any advice you may have.