I do care for her a lot, probably more that I am letting on.

I know as bad as I am fixing to be trashed here I really really care for her and would like for this to work out.

I was eating out this weekend and her mother saw me and told me that her daughter talks about me all the time to her.

I know I should dump her, I know she is a cheater, should I condem them for the rest of thier lives?

the USA forgave Japan remeber what happened there do you?

If you are prepared to forgive her every time she A-Bombs your heart with an affair, then I don't see that there is an issue here. Have a happy life with your cheating GF.

Steve,

We all know that emotions can cloud our judgments.You should know this too.It's not always enough to love someone. It just isn't.You have to look at the big picture.Do you envision a long term realtionship,even marriage maybe,with this girl? And you didn't answer my question from before: did you both decide *together to be exclusive?

Also,be up front and stop playing games with what you know.Show her the info you have on this supposed affair and see what she says.

IMO you are wasting precious time and energy on this woman. She was in the A *before* she met you. She's with him 2 years and you for 1. What makes you think you are "the one" for her? She doesn't. She didn't from the start or she'd have ended things with OM when she met you and started dating you.

Stalking her, getting others involved for your cause, and believing she's going to change just because you want her to are not going to make things right.

You've been had, my friend, and now you're allowing yourself to continue to be had.

You're in good company. My XH continues to be "had" from 2000 miles away.

You *deserve* better. You deserve a woman who will give her love to you, and you alone. You deserve honesty. She's lying to your face, you know it, and you're still letting her walk all over you, even though you have full knowledge.

Tell if you want to - but you won't likely get the result you're looking for. If OM is married, then IMO his wife certainly deserves to know - but rather than in an M where an exposure may lead to a R, I don't think that is what will happen in this case. She'll move on and find another sucker or suckers.

People like that are USERS. They use people for as long as they can, and when the usefulness is over, or when they are exposed, they pick up their toys and move on to greener pastures. Period.

Could you marry this woman and trust that she'd be faithful? No. You'll forever be looking for another slip up, another man, another lie. It's no way to live a life. There are plenty of honest women out there, faithful women, who will love and accept you for who you are, and not lead a double life.

I know it's not easy to hear, and it sounds like you're not willing to hear it, but down the road you may look at this thread and realize that you had all the info you needed at the time - and you either chose to act on it, or accept the status quo, only to get further hurt down the road.

The ball is in YOUR court, not hers. YOU can choose to either allow her to abuse you further, or YOU can choose not to be a victim anymore and take your power back and end it.

I don't think anybody here is trashing you - many of us have been in a similar situation with a cheating *spouse*. The big difference here is that you aren't married to this woman, so walking away is a much easier endeavour since you won't have the mess of divorce, property, custody etc. Best that you found out NOW as opposed to if the woman actually married you.

Odds are if you did ask her to marry you, she'd refuse. She doesn't want to be tied down, and that would burst her bubble.

For your own sake - end it. That's the only viable option as I see it (and apparently I'm not alone here in this thinking).

If you don't want to see that, that's your option. You put your story out there. If you expected people to tell you it's OK to be used and abused, you came to the wrong place.

We're not telling you what you *want* to hear, but I think we are telling you what you *need* to hear - and it's not easy, but wouldn't you rather suck it up and suffer pain in the short term, than commit to a lifetime of it?

I sympathize, I really do - but if you re-read your thread, and imagine it as somebody else, what would *you* advise them to do?

In support,

JinGA

Sorry, hun but the joke is on YOU. You know all this and you're continuing to play along. What's your goal? You can only control what *you* do, not what she does.

She's demonstrated what kind of person she is.

The question remains, what kind of person are YOU?

JinGA

yes, WE decided to be exclusive, we had started going out and talked for hours at a time, after going out for 2-3 months we decided we would have an exclusive relationship.

I AM NOT BEING PLAYED ANYMORE....I was but now I am in the know.....

Good job. It's painful but you'll be better off in the long run.

Drop her like a hot potato. Don't answer her calls, emails, texts and don't call her.

I'd tell her face to face (or however you are comfortable) that it's over, and you don't want contact anymore, period.

It's way more painful to cut the tail off an inch at a time - trust me, I know ALL about that. It's not worth it. Cut her loose, focus on yourself for a while, and you'll feel so much better.

JinGA

I am going to cut this off, I know when and where she is going to be... maybe I just want her to feel a little of what i did,

Show up at her functions just out of the blue and watch her
flounder.....make her uncomfortable....


Also here is what I am not getting in my head...and yes I have been told I am hard headed...

Ok if we were married and she cheated I should do what ever to take her back to get the affair to stop etc..
why not now? I care for her, could I have married her, we had made hint regarding marriage but skirted the issue, she had been divorced 2 years and me 3.

This is why I am here..

I TRIED EVERY thing during my first marriage, my Ex walked out and never turned her head, never thought of giving me a second chance, I paid child support, all her bills even before we went to
court, then in court she tried to trash me, I could have made her look really really really bad.. I chose not to.
I have moved on from her, I would have taken her back until the day I got the D papers.. I am that forgiving.

If I wanted Marry for money I had the chance, last girlfriend owned 2 Harley D dealerships. Very pretty..
She was just not for me...I feel much different about this girl, I hate starting over and that is not the reason I am staying.

Because it's different,in my mind anyway,to have the cheating going on just being BF/GF than being MARRIED.When you are married there is so much more at stake: you have a history together,marriage vows,home, kids,etc,etc.Your GF has already shown a propensity toward bad behavior in this way.She's young,indecisive,secretive,she's broke,she ( remember this classic: "needs to figure her life out" helloooo),not to mention the whole dishonesty/affair thing.

Do you really want to be her teacher right now and hope that she will "get it",that you don't get involved with other's when you are already involved and agree to be with only that person? Of course you would like it to work out.I understand that.But we are here looking at what is going on from completely subjective POV's and this is what we see.You can tell everyone to go jump in a lake and go for it,that's your choice.

And I don't get this: why would you act like a stalker and just show up at her functions to try and make her uncomfortable? Surely you must have better things to do with your time.No one likes to start over.But you have to deal with the fact that whom you chose isn't what you had hoped.A bitter pill to swallow.

How old are you? Grow up for crying out loud. The high school stalking club is down the hall.

Grab yourself by the cajones and confront her head on with this. You can't address one simple relationship issue with this girl and you were 'hinting' at marriage??? Get real!

The US A-bombed Japan to prevent having to invade Japan by air and ground thus saving a million or so American lives. That was strategic.

Being cheated on is like being attacked in your sleep and then you wake up paralyzed and changed forever.

Terrible analogy.

changed forever....

that's putting it mildly and yet so true. i know i will never be the same because it.
mlhb

Stalking? come ON ! you can not be for real!

nice way to try and split words....about the USA / JAPAN

you know what I am talking about. I love the girl, I was cheated on again...I guess I came here again to see what
advice you would have. the same as last time. EVEN though nothing worked last time I decided to come back again.

I have been extremly careful in going out with hte women I have chosen to go out with. Turned down more, I'll fix up up with my friend dates than I care to mention.

Maybe i am looking for a reason that does not exist...

I am a very forgiving person, I CHOSE to forgive my ex-wife and I chose to forgive my girlfriend and now I feel like I am being raked over the coals.....

I am going to let her know I know then if the chance for forgivness comes around i will have another decision to make.

I can say today right now I would not accecpt my ex-wife back...tomorrow...I dont know I'll have to wait until then to answer that..

If you received advice here before and it "didn't work" perhaps it's because of the approach you're taking. You're being given plenty of good advice, but I "hear" you looking for every reason NOT to take it. If you don't want to listen, then no, the advice isn't going to work, but that's nobody's fault but yours I'm afraid.

And if you don't think it's stalking, to purposely show up someplace unexpectedly to make her squirm, or send a drink to her table with OM, or have friends be your accomplices, perhaps you need to read up on that definition.

And as to forgiveness - well forgiveness should be granted if the person changes and is remorseful for bad behavior. You're telling us that she's carrying on this A, after lying to you about it for over a year (and lying to OM's wife for over a year).

Tell OM's wife. Tell her goodbye. Don't play high school games, and get on with it. If you cut it off, and THEN she changes and becomes faithful and truthful, *then* you have a shot at it.

If you were married to this woman and came here telling the same sorts of stories, you'd be advised to expose the affair, do a Plan A and work to save your marriage.

I'm divorced, but I'm still trying to Plan A to reconcile with my XH, because while I don't think he's quite "relationship ready" I do think there's something there to be built on. But that's for another thread.

You've confronted her with the truth, and she's still lying. What do you expect to change? It won't, because she has NO consequences.

So you can carry on knowing you're being lied to, or you can choose not to be her plaything anymore. If that's what is ok with you, have fun with it - you don't have any problems, ergo you don't need help or advice from us.

If you decide that you've had enough, and you're struggling with your decision and how to avoid making the same mistake again - then we can offer you help and support and help you get through this.

I'm not sure what you're asking from us here, that you claim we aren't giving.

If it were me, he'd be kicked to the curb so fast his head would spin.

JinGA

You cannot and should not FORGIVE a cheater who:

Is still cheating!
Has no remorse!
Is not sorry!
Wants to keep on cheating on you!
Does not care for you enough to stop cheating on you!

Perhaps you keep getting into relationships with women who use you and cheat on you. Do you know why!? Because something inside you draws you to them.

If I were you I would get some deep counseling to see why you are drawn to women who use you, who dont love you, and who cheat on you. And why you dont have the self respect to dump these kinds of women right away.

whenever there is a self destructive pattern in your life, it is time to figure out why that pattern is there and change it. You can do the work to change yourself!

And then you will never put up with another cheater again in your life. Not even for a day!

You cannot forgive someone who is not sorry! And who does not want to quit cheating! They are not ready for your forgiveness nor would it be good for them. Sometimes you have to hold people accountable or they will not have any motivation to change. Tuff love.

For pete's sake, who needs that kind of hassle? There are a lot of terrific, smart, mature, sexy women out there who live by the Golden Rule; who have steady jobs and don't need to be sponging off their boyfriend.

She's just not that in to you. It's as simple as that.

Hit the silk before you crash and burn.

OMG, which one of you two is the 29 yo? Or is it 19? Coughlin, is this you??

AGG

Coughlin, is this you??

LOL...omg...this is the EXACT thing I was thinking.

Toooooo funny.

committed

i am glad you all said that.. i was thinking it, but didn't say it!

mlhb