Thinking of you!!!

Good luck Jin. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I'm at the shop now - still no reply to either email. He's likely busy at work but his shift ended half an hour ago. I'll wait a few minutes more then I guess I'll call - ugh... there's nothing like drawing it out. I don't know if he's still at work or on his way home. My first mail would have got to him long before he left, but sometimes he stays a bit late. I *think* he is probably still at work.

I'll be so deflated if he doesn't come - I've psyched myself up all day for this - if it doesn't happen - even if the outcome isn't what I'm hoping for (and even best case scenario I have no idea what to expect)... it's going to be hard to create another opportunity like this again.

Ugh...

JinGA

Well I tried calling. No answer on his cell and his voice mailbox has been permanently full for a long time <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> Not sure what to do next. Maybe he went home early - I don't think he checks email from home - at least I've never received email from him after office hours.

I'll wait a bit longer - then I guess I'll take that as a sign that today was not the day for this conversation to take place.

Man........

JinGA

Persevere Jin.

Persevere.

Well I guess it's a no-go. Emailed twice, called once. It's possible that he left work early today, and thus missed my emails. If he's under the weather, it would make sense that he didn't answer his phone.

OR he could just be avoiding me - but I don't think he'd do that. No, I think there's a logical explanation so I'll wait to see what tomorrow brings before I jump to that conclusion.

He could have been sore from all the roller-coaster riding yesterday or he may have had too much sun. He was at work this morning because we exchanged a couple of emails concerning the business and his (tentative) vacation. He didn't indicate anything to me then - but who knows?

I've been here just over an hour and no reply. If he picks up his cell he'll see that I called - if he happens to call back I'll tell him that I wanted to talk to him (in person) but if he's not feeling well I guess it can wait.

I don't know if/when I'll get another chance - Monday nights are best because of the shop being closed - the rest of the week it's open til 8 or til 6. Maybe I just need to give him the letter as he's leaving tomorrow night? But I'd like to talk to him about it afterwards - because the letter doesn't go so far as to tell him that I'd like another shot at it - it just says that there's no expectation, and if he'd like to talk about it I am here.

Boy - talk about a let-down! Here I was finally psyched up to do this, and it doesn't even have a chance to happen.

JinGA

Jin,

U gotta be patient.

U sent the e-mail. No turning that one back. Ok, now deal with it.

Go keep busy. Do NOT call or check up on him.

Remember who taught you to live without him? THE WS!

Anger s/b much closer now than being needy. Soon u w/b raging at how much of your life he has robbed from you and the children.

With that anger will come healing. It is part of the stages of grieving. This needy stage is hard to get over. You think you are abandoning him but you are not, what you are abandoning is the WS. Which is a good thing.

Refocus and get energized. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

take care,
L.

I'm trying - honest!


Yep. I guess he'll get them in the morning. I didn't tip my hand - just said I wanted to talk to him, that's all. I can still 'back out'.


I did keep busy, and I did NOT call again. I let it go for the night.


Yes, I know. I'm pretty sure that my not connecting with him to arrange a meeting was nothing more than he went home early or something.


I've been there, done that - a long time ago. I think I've pretty much gone through all the stages of grief - even the acceptance part. After that settled and went away - that's when I began to have feelings for him again.


I hear you. It *has* been 3 years - I think I processed all that. I can't explain why I am feeling love for him again except that the loving man I married began to show his face again. No he's not entirely in control - the "other" man still pops up from time to time, but the positive changes I've seen seem to be winning over the crappy stuff, for the most part. There just seems to be one huge obstacle in the way - in the form of the GF. And she may not be as big of an obstacle as I perceive her to be. OR she could be the Great Wall of China - I'm not sure. That's what I feel I need to find out.

Tomorrow is another day. We'll see what happens.

JinGA

Refocus and get energized. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

take care,
L. [/quote]

How are you doing this morning Jin?

Morning Seabird <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I'm ok. Just getting my day started here. I'm sort of numb - unsure - perhaps my not "connecting" with him yesterday was for a reason, just as I thought the timeline reprieve happened for a reason. I'm sure they've both occurred for a reason... just going to regroup and play it by ear.

Still nothing this morning - his shift started an hour ago, so I would have thought he would have seen my emails and/or the missed phone call - but nothing. Curious - that's not like him - unless he's off sick again today, in which case I'm concerned about him.

I'm not going to email/call or otherwise pester at this point. He *should* be stopping by the shop tonight as per usual, so I'll just see where it goes from there.

JinGA

You don't think he reads this board do you? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

ROFL! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

LOL sometimes I wonder <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

No I don't think he does. If he did, I'd like to think he'd either have come to me and told me (and moved toward reconciling) OR if he didn't feel that way, perhaps he'd have put me out of my misery a lot sooner.

If he was reading, he could figure out who I am by my timeline/age and goings-on, but he wouldn't know me from my screen name - I have never used that screen name anywhere else.

JinGA

Update:

XH emailed me a few minutes ago - from his apartment, via work email (so I guess he can access work email from home).

Said he just got my emails from yesterday - he did go home sick early yesterday - possibly stomach flu, bad nachos at the amusement park (or maybe too much sun...). Said he won't be in at the shop tonight.

I replied, told him I hope he feels better, and if he needs anything, to just let me know (I would gladly go pick him up some Pepto or whatever he needs).

A short while before, my employee had tried to reach him - he used a piece of her equipment over the weekend and didn't return it to its place and she couldn't find it - he did not answer nor did he return the call - but she found her equipment after about half an hour of searching.

So now I know what happened there. Usually when my "worry radar" goes off about him I'm usually right. I had a feeling he had gone home sick - now I know. Whew. Sorry that he's sick but at least relieved to know what's going on.

He did not ask what I had contacted him about - and that's fine - I will let it be for now.

JinGA

A few hours ago I was in town running errands. I did try to call him to see if he needed anything (no special trip - and I'm sure he'd do the same for me) - no answer. Phone turned off, went straight to (full) voice mail.

Oh well - I tried. Hopefully he's sleeping and healing.

JinGA

Not much new around here today. XH emailed me a short while ago to tell me he is home sick again. Went to work this morning and turned around 30 minutes later. So he won't be in today.

Again, I emailed him back and told him I hope he feels better soon, and again offered - if he needs anything, like soup or medicine, to just let me know and I'd be happy to help.

No answer to that yet - I doubt he'll answer unless he wishes to take me up on my offer.

Tomorrow is another day. I won't have seen him for a whole week. He came in last Thursday for a few minutes before taking the kids out, he picked up some to-go dinner for me, then Friday he didn't come by, he went out, Saturday I was off with the kids, Sunday he was off with the kids and he's been sick since. Poor guy - hope he does feel better soon <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> Wish I was there to take care of him.

JinGA

Well another update. Even though he's still sick and said he wouldn't be in, he arrived at the shop about 6:30 PM and stayed about 90 minutes til just before closing. He puttered a bit with a few light tasks, and we just chatted for quite a while. Nothing heavy, just "stuff".

He did mention that his GF has poison oak... while I was thinking, "Awww what a freaking shame - NOT" I didn't even really acknowledge that he'd mentioned her, and let the conversation flow away from "her" just as quickly as her name came up.

So I guess they are still "an item" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> But that's OK it was nice to see him and just have some nice conversation with him. Got in a few affirmation statements too - told him "good for you!" for asserting himself at the amusement park when he had a problem with one of the food vendors. Told him I was glad to see him even though he wasn't feeling well, and that I hoped he feels better soon.

I think he was going a bit stir crazy alone in his apartment - I'm just glad he paid me a visit. He didn't have to, and I'm happy that he did.

Baby steps... always baby steps.

And I sniped an Ebay auction a few minutes ago for a copy of HNHN <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Life is good.

JinGA

Good morning to anybody who's not sick of hearing from me yet <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

So I've been pondering this whole sordid situation. Since my almost courageous leap was thwarted on Monday by the almighty Flu, I'm trying to decide what I should do next.

On one hand, I'd like to try to find another opportunity to have that talk, *before* he goes ahead and buys his plane ticket to go see GF.

On the other hand, I'm wondering if I should just wait it out - he makes the trip, and approach him *after* that, particularly if I see the last vestiges of his relationship crumbling.

I don't want to appear desperate, but at the same time, if I can say what I need to say - it may change his mind about going there. It also may not, and I'm keenly aware of this. However there may be more "romance" in trying to get the ball rolling with us before I "let go" and just sit idly by on the sidelines while he goes. If I don't say anything before he goes, it tells him I don't care enough to try to change his mind. Of course he doesn't necessarily think like me - women don't think like men, but if the situation was reversed, and he came to me before I left, I'd think a lot of it <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

However if he does go out there, his relationship will be somewhat "renewed" (even if that's temporary). He may be less receptive to what I have to say then.

After all, in the last 4 months he's spent less than 3 weeks actually with her physically. She left mid-Feb to go on a visit back home, and 3 days after she returned, she said she was moving back, and 2 weeks after that she was gone. So their relationship for the last 4 months has been either online or on the phone (or a combination of both). I am HERE. It will be another few weeks before he actually leaves - 5 months on his own with only 3 weeks of her actually being in his physical presence. Could that be an advantage to me?

I'm not sure which is the better scenario. All I know is that if I do make my move, I'll give him a bit of time to take care of business with the GF (go NC, cut any financial ties etc.) before we can really move on, if that's the choice he makes. Making my move now gives him time to do some thinking and make some decisions *before* he forks out money to travel.

I've been making all these baby steps, but I'm wondering when the best time is to take that giant leap.

It's quite possible that an opportunity may arise this weekend. He works with me from opening til closing, and after closing would be the best time to talk - no interruptions. I suppose a lot will depend on the vibe I get.

I'm trying not to "what if" the situation right to death - I'm just trying to decide what the best course is to take at this moment. It was so nice and unexpected that he came in last night - he'd told me he wouldn't be in, but he came anyway -and stayed quite a while. We talked, we laughed, we discussed a few semi-serious things (health issues etc.). We talked about our DD and how nervous we both were that she wanted to go on that bungee ride at the amusement park. I asked about the former co-worker from his old job, whom he helped get a job at his current place of employment (she's doing great). We talked a bit about things we did together in the past. Conversation is easy when he's not all withdrawn, and we talked longer last night than we have in a while - but it wasn't quite the right time or atmosphere for me to take it up to that next level, but he was more talkative than he had been in a while, beyond just stuff pertaining to the shop. Perhaps a few days holed up in his apartment made him a bit lonely <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> Glad I was there to interact with him a bit.

Sometimes it feels like he's doing the same dance that I am, but when he gets scared, he throws up her name like a shield. I did not retreat when he did that yesterday, I simply kept the conversation going without really saying anything in response to his reference of her.

What do you all think? I'm going to watch for an opportunity - if one arises, I think I may take it. I was all psyched up to do it Monday - but that just wasn't meant to happen that day. As long as he's feeling better, and if the more outgoing mood in him continues... think I should go for it? Or wait til after the "vacation"?

JinGA

Before. Even if he goes, he'll have that in the back of his mind when he's traveling to and fro and as he interacts with her. She may not look too good when he considers what's waiting for him at home.

Thanks <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> That's what I'm thinking too. If I've had a chance to tell him how I feel, he's got to have seen the changes I've been making - even if he doesn't consciously notice. I've changed how I handle conflict (not fighting with him when he had an AO, and refusing to listen to verbal crapola), I've been using POJA and he's been responding awesomely to it, I've been affirming and admiring, and I've made some physical changes - fixed my hair, bought a couple of new blouses, and I'm seeing numbers on the scale that I haven't seen in many many years! 7 1/2 years ago I was huge and gaining. I changed my eating habits and lost 50 lbs, which I've mostly kept off for the duration of that time - but I got "stuck" at a weight that was still more than my goal. I'm heavy but I carry it well and dress appropriately. In the last couple of months I have lost the 10 or so lbs that kept yo-yo-ing back and forth and now I'm down a few more than that, and I hope the trend continues. People are noticing. A customer noticed my hair in front of XH a couple of weeks ago, and the other day a customer commented that I'd lost weight <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> XH wasn't there to hear that - but if people are noticing - it's noticable <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Outwardly I'm more attractive - physically as well as personally. I'd never win a beauty contest - but IMO I'm a heck of a lot more attractive than the GF - and always was.

Add to that that I'm confident and in control of myself, I think I've got miles of headway on the GF in those areas too.

However, logic and XH haven't been best buddies lately. Still - I think I *should* say something at the first appropriate opportunity - and let the chips fall where they may.

And if he chooses GF in spite of it all, then he's not the man I thought he was, and I'll never be the kind of woman that he thinks he wants <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

JinGA

Glad to read this part Jin. It's what I was trying to get across for the last couple of weeks but I didn't know if you got it, or were already there, or what. I suspect the latter, but a reminder now and then is a good thing. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Say something ASAP. Let him leave with the best impression possible of you. Hopefully when he sees the GF, she will look like ****** and act worse. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

You want him to make a direct comparison now I think. And you want it in your favor - obviously. I advise to stop waiting on opportunities and create your own. Take the initiative. You already have with the email and the decision to confront him. Just follow through on that now before you lose any more momentum.

And good luck.