I hear you about the weekends. I think that's why Friday was such a hard day for me because it's a long weekend here. I'm not sure if he's going to follow the rules or not, I just gave them to him yesterday so we'll have to see. I believe he already broke rule #3 but I'm not certain. He said he would be home between 11 and 12 last night. He did come home but I think it was later than that. I'm not sure as I took sleeping pills last night and didn't hear him, and I did wake up a couple of times and he wasn't home but I don't know what time that was. He was gone before I got up this morning.

Still haven't got anything from Intellius. How long does that take?

My son is not taking this as well as he lets on. HE spent the night out drinking and didn't come home. He's been absolutely wonderful with me - he's come home every weekend since this happened. But it was hard knowing he was out all night as well. I didn't try to stop him - he has pain to deal with as well. He's taking off to Germany next week so I won't see him for 2 more weekends. Next weekend is going to be very hard.

some older MDs are not good at following patients taking psych meds so they recommend a "shrink" to help manage medications ... NOT because he thinks you are crazy

I LIKE your "rules"

GOOD JOB

write them down & post it on the fridge

nothing better to fight the depression than taking back your personal power

it is healthy to feel anger ...

ANGER is very very IMPORTANT right now

how you express it can be managed

but do NOT pretend that you are NOT [color:"blue"] angry-wounded [/color]

use your words

I am HURT
I am ANGRY
I am WOUNDED


and then add

I will SURVIVE
I will HEAL
I will GRIEVE
I will LOVE again

and then add

I am not keeping you in a CAGE
you are free to leave anytime
you are not free to abuse/disrespect me in my own home

and do NOT argue/beg
simply state your truths
this is how to manage your anger .... with strong boundaries to protect yourself
let go of trying to control his madness
find your self-respect and shine it up to wear it as a crown !!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

UGLY anger will not attract your husband back to the marriage ... no more than UGLY anger might convince a drunk to stop drinking

quiet dignity and undeviating honesty can be a way to handle your anger/pain .... and that will cause your WH to regard you as a woman he can RESPECT

self-respect is very attractive

meanwhile .... back at the ranch.....

it is IMPORTANT

you find out EXACTLY where the family $$$$ is located and what it is being spent on

TALK to a family law attorney and get yourself financially protected THIS WEEK

PS

more on the "rules"

give a copy to your husband's family members

expect NOTHING from them

but show them that you are standing up for yourself

and your son .... he needs to SEE the rules posted on the fridge

because HE needs to respect you as well by telling you when he will be home late.... discuss with your son how the added stress/worry/care/not-knowing when HE will be home can be simply avoided by CALLING his MOTHER

"Mom, I'm safe.... I am not going to be home until dawn"

Finally talked to OWH!!!! Hadn't heard from Intellius yet and I thought you know what? That lyin' cheatin' piece of crap WH of mine can get the number from work, or at least tell me his last name. So I called him at work and told him what I wanted. I said that for all that he's hurt me and all that he says he doesn't want to screw me over financially and that he wants to make the transition as easy as possible, if he could just give me the number and let me call. After all, she has just moved out and there's nothing he and I can do to interfere with his new "life" anymore. He flat out refused - first he said the numbers were confidential. Then he said that OWH already had my number but didn't want to talk to me. Apparently there is this "blue card" they all get at work with everybody's numbers and he had given it to her and OWH had gone through her wallet and taken it. So I told him to ask someone else to look at their blue card and he wouldn't. Said he would lose his job if he gave me the number. So I asked him to tell me his last name. By this time I was freaking!!! I was crying and asking him why he wants to hurt me even more. All I wanted to do was be able to share with somebody who is in the same corner of ****** as me - it felt so good to talk to BIL yesterday and I actually had a good day for once.

Then he said he'd phone me back on the other line and hung up. He didn't call back. 5 minutes. 10 minutes. 15 minutes. Finally 20 minutes later I called again. He THEN accused me of freaking on him when he was going to get the number in 10 minutes???!!!! So apparently, she was dropping her daughter off with OWH and was going to ask him THEN if I could call. My guess is that he convinced her to give me the number because he told me OWH didn't want to talk to me and I said that's fine, he can tell me so when I call.

Well, guess what! OWH not only WANTED to talk to me, he's been trying to get my number this whole time. He even had his 7 year old daughter try to get WH's information (he didn't have a last name either). Then she thought it started with a V (it starts with a W) so he called everyone in the phone book with the initials KV. I am so FURIOUS!!!! Of course we were able to compare stories and they've both been sticking to the same one though we (OWH and I) both have evidence that it's been going on longer. We were also able to discuss the legalities and separation strategies so that neither of us gets screwed any more than we already have. He is going down to sign his separation papers this week and he's going to call me after. We are going to stay in touch through this whole process and even get together for a beer later when we have both calmed down and started on with our lives.

I hve to go - WH is home.

keep MB a secret from the infidels

very important!

liars LIE *duh*

and make NO MISTAKE .... he will screw you financially

he's a liar, remember?

protect yourself

YES! Make sure to protect yourself.

My WH told me he was going to support me. He would continue to help me pay bills and such.

Funny, on one of his paydays, his direct deposit cheque did not go into the bank. Called him to ask about it, and he swore he had no idea why. A call later in the afternoon gave me the same result. He would check into it.

Can you believe that a month and a half later, and he still has not gotten paid?????

Believe the opposite of what they say.

Argh!!! You know, I could have gotten past the affair and the hateful things he has said - like not loving me in years and so on. But this pathological lying is too much. Obviously, I found out a whole lot more by talking to OWH. Seems the other night when WH was out playing poker all night, OW had left her daughter with the babysitter all night. Not only that, OWH has the daughter overnight tonight as well. WH says he's coming home tonight. Of course WH gets all defensive when I catch him in his lies and threatens me with lawyers and such. I am going to write out my own papers myself and get him to sign them.

How is it that an otherwise normal, healthy person turns into such a monster? Either that or how does such a monster mascarade as a normal, healthy person for 17 years? I'm not sure which it is but no sane or rational person could behave this way or treat others this way.

You are dealing with a monster... not your H. (remember that)

Read my thread to see what bull my sister was just fed. And, of course she believes it.

I have two of them in my life now, but DO NOT give up.

Be strong.

All WS suffer from the same ailment: liarrhea

Main Entry: li·ar·rhea

Function: noun
1 : abnormally frequent verbal evacuations of untruths

I'd say he has projectile liarrhea. Next time he opens his mouth, I'll ask him if he needs Imodium. Thanks princessmeggy, this was the first laugh I've had in a while.

AMEN! That was perfect!

bwhaaaaaaaaaa <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Stuff I found out from OWH:

- the affair has definitely been going on longer than 3 months. They have been msning each other since before Christmas. This coincides roughly with LCSBWH's purchase of his very own laptop computer which he put a password on ostensibly to keep DS from going on and downloading viruses

- the reason everything happened so quickly was that OW was busted by OWH because she returned home with hickeys on her neck

- apparently part of LCSBWH's web of lies to OW and his idiot friends at work is that I am a "whacko"

- Friday night when he told me he was going out to play poker all night, OW left her daughter with a babysitter overnight. I asked LCSBHW to look me in the eye and say he wasn't going to spend the night with her and he did - said the friend she is staying with wouldn't allow him over

- Saturday night (last night) when he said he was going to see Shrek with 10 friends, he actually took OW and daughter (they must think 7-year olds are blind, deaf and mute)

- he told me Friday - well sort of asked in the weirdest of ways - that he wanted to go to his mom's tonight (Sunday) because he had Monday off. He made a big ordeal as though he was only asking because he knew I didn't want to be left alone in the house (blah blah blah). Of course an hour later I got the poker story with no such request. Anyway, it turns out that OWH has the daughter overnight tonight. I heard him on the phone with his mom yesterday that he wasn't sure if he would go or not - he'd wait and see. I think the plan was to tell me he was going, tell mom he wasn't, and then go somewhere else with OW. I don't think they actually went - if he abides by the rules he'll be home by midnight tonight.

- This is the biggie: before he even said anything to me about breaking up, let alone having the A, OW told OWH she was moving to MY HOUSE!!!!! They had it all worked out. Now, I don't stand to gain anything from this, but she is signing to a lousy separation agreement and getting no furniture or anything (she was expecting to get all mine!!!)

Unfreakingbelievable or what!!!!!!

To top everything off, when I talked to LCSBWH after wards (he knows I spoke to OWH because he gave me the number), the only thing I confronted him with was the fact that OWH has been begging to speak to me the whole time. LCSBWH had the nerve to say OWH was lying and just saying that to stir up trouble for OW!!!!!!!!!! Naturally, it is all our (mine and OWH's) fault for this sorry state we are in.

Did I mention at any time the LCSBWH is 39 years old? As in an adult?!!! Because honestly, I'd expect better behavior from a 2 year old. Even teenagers with hormones can think better than this. He even throws some pretty dramatic temper tantrums these days.

Just adding - I glanced at my first post in this thread and I can't even believe that was me that was upset over this guy. WOW. I guess I know how to get rid of the pain now. Just get mad as ****** and let it fly!!!!

Tabby
I saw your "moral suport" thread but I thought I'd bump this instead as it has such great advice in it.

I learned this girl : the cr4p of an affair is only deep enough to drown you if you cringe in it.

Its time to find some righteous indignation and invest in yourself.

1. Detach.
MB is a set of proven techniques that can accelerate the end of an affair, and can manage BS hurt. It is not a way to force your WH to do anything. You have to realise that whether you have a GREAT MB day or a bad one, the decision to stay or go will be made at a near-subconscious level by your WH. So concentrate on your plan A without worrying that you are making things worse. Things can't get worse than having an entitled WH shacked up with and banging an OM.

2. Once you have detached you can start working with the tools you HAVE.
You need to invest in yourself - recognise the habits you got into that were not productive in wifedom and change them. Also identify those emotional needs that your WH has that you can meet under the current difficult circumstances and do it.
Note that it is not the direct focus of your WH that will notice the changes for the better in you, it will be his heart's "peripheral vision". Consistency of goodness, unsung is what overcomes the WS active rewriting of history and casting you as a baddie in their movie. Its not about gestures.

Identify your personal boundaries - the minimum behaviours you require in order to stay committed to your marriage.
Mine are :
* Permanent NC and Total transparency - give me no reason to police you
* Take all action to protect me from further hurt
* Learn about why FWS had the affair and take action to prevent it recurring.

I would divorce Squid even now over persistent violations of these boundaries.

Yours may be different. You need them so you have an external measure of how you ar ebing treated so as to retain your dignity.

3. Move on in all but fidelity.
Invest in yourself. get fit, if you already aren't. Fashion up, if you're not. Dress to impress. Smell great. Go out with friends often and make sure your WH sees how great you look and that he doesn't know exactly where you're going ( if you aren't in plan B).

Protect your finances , assets and guardianship of yor kids.

This REALLY worked with Squid. Made the reality that she was threatening to lose me come home to roost.

BUT !! Guard against flirting or spending time with men. You are vulnerable right now. Stay with female friends.

4. Lock up your taker UTTERLY.
Nothing is a sickening and anti-MB than a needful BS.
I actually 180'ed Squid. Stopped all non platonic touch, no kisses. ILY became "I care". This coupled with investment in myself and being as attractive as I could be drove Squid WILD.

You aren't likely to get any cuddles or lovin' for a while. Best LOCK UP that hope for now. Really.

5. Unlock the door.
I know this sounds crazy. But its only a PRETEND lock you have on the door to your marriage right now.

Tell your WH "look baby, I love you and I'll work as hard as I possibly can on building a new marriage with you if you want, but I won't force you to. I want you, but I do not need you. If you continue your affair I'll be sad,but I will survive. I respect myself too much to tolerate what I perceive to be disrespect and indignity for very long, as much as I want this marriage. You need to do what you think is right"

If you can possibly afford it I would try counselling with Steve Harley. he'll be able to tell you whether to do a remote plan A or go straight to plan B.

But for now, standup and be proud that you are standing by your vows.

And re-read the great advice you got here on this thread.

ALL blessings ! In six months your life will likely be transformed from this place of pain. I know mine was <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

edited for gender ! D'oh ! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Bob, I think you want this in reverse.


Tabby,
You will be vulnerable and you and OWH are going through the same pain. Be careful there. Don't get too friendly.