one more thing - you talk about booting him out one day. You need to start preparing for this. Plan B.
You can not continue to allow him to come and go as he pleases. That is not a marraige. And that is not good for your kids.

Do not ask him what his intentions are, does he plan to move out, etc. YOU start making a plan for yourself. Gather your support team. Are there things that need to be fixed around the house that he should do before he moves out? Start getting those things done. You do not need to make plans for him to move, where to live, stuff like that. BUT you need to make your own plans, for what YOU will do if/when he does move out. I know it is scary! But take some of the fear out of it, by making your own plans. That way, if you have to go to plan B, or if he suddenly blows up at you, storms out of the house, and doesn't come home, you will be prepared. Because that is usually the next predictable step.

Read as much as you can. Educate yourself. Know what to expect. Do not hang your hopes on this appointment next Thursday - a lot will happen in the mean time. YOU will go to the next appointment, for YOU, no matter what.

Orchid, Melody Lane, WomanofFaith5,

Thank you all for your responses. I have not been able to post this last week as we were finishing up our homeschool and doing assessments. Also, I find it very difficult sometimes to post. I live my life everyday, and sometimes I just don't have the emotional energy to relive it through posting. But I am beginning to reach a more calm place.

Last week, I had a day where anger took over. I was in a new place that I feel I needed to walk through. A friend took my kids so I could cry or do whatever I needed. I was at a point of "I DID NOT deserve this. I have been a good wife and have loved him deeply. HE DOESN'T DESERVE ME!!!!"
I took my rose colored glasses off and wasn't sure that I even WANTED this man anymore. For the first time, I could envision myself without him. Heck, for the first time, I thought I might LIKE to be without him. I began to really see some character issues that disgusted me. I questioned if I truly want a man like this. I spent the day journaling, sobbing, yelling to myself (at him), and just working through some intense emotions.

That evening my church was having a 2 hour worship time. I went to that and it was a great place for me to be. I really believe that this was a day I truly needed to experience. I was empowered. I realized I will get through this and be OK REGARDLESS of him. I realized I don't NEED him to be the woman I want to be. I loved our family, I loved being adored by him (I thought I was), I loved being what I thought we were. But now I see that my kids and I can be whatever we choose to be. And if I end up divorced, it really is no reflection on the woman I am...just on my cheating, lying, manipulatinng, self-centered, egotistical, character-dificient husband.

So, I processed all those feelings; just dove in there and really soaked in it. I wanted to feel it as deeply as I could. When the day was done, I had a new resolve. He will do what I need, or I will not allow him to stay here any longer.

Now, I did not tell him about my day; and there were no signs of what I had been through by evening. I had worked through it all, and was able to be pleasant when I returned home from church. So the timing of what happened the next day, I believe, was totally God's timing. I think God knew I need to have this day of empowerment before I could move through recovery in a healthy manner.

I don't think I mentioned in a previous post that I did try another counselor, one that I liked very much and feel can help me (or us) a great deal. So I left his card on our dresser and told my husband that was who I would be seeing and that he would really like to see us both, individually a few times and then together. I said there were 4 appointment times listed on the back and he was welcome to use any of them if he would like. The card sat there for about 4-5 days with no comment from him. So, the morning after the day I described above, I woke up with a peace I haven't felt since D-day. I was preparing myself emotionally to ask him to leave if he hadn't scheduled a counseling appointment within the next week. I was also entertaining the idea of leaving with the kids for an extended vacation--for my own personal healing, to get away from him, and to get my focus off of his every move. Now, he had no idea of the emotions I had processed and where I was at. I did not share any of that with him, and was actually calm and pleasant by the time I had returned home from church. I had become more emotionally peaceful and detached from him. So that next morning, my H calls from work to tell me he has scheduled an appointment with the counselor I am seeing. WOW! I wasn't expecting that anymore. Since then, he has been a different person. It is as if he has emotionally "checked back in". He has accounted for all his time (without my asking), we have been more relaxed with each other, and have even laughed a little together. SF has continued and has been very pleasureable for us both. And he even initiated it a couple times (which he hadn't done since D-day). We went out Saturday night for a date and come home to some wonderful SF. I am hopeful this is a turning point towards recovering our marriage. These last several days it seems his heart is back into our marriage. I am sure we still will have some rocky moments as we begin our counseling sessions together and start really addressing the affairs. Our counselor is booked about two weeks out. I have seen him twice. My next appointment is a week from today, and my H's is two days after mine.

I just wanted to give an update and thank you all again for your advice and your support. It is good to know that I am not alone and that others have walked this journey and come through it and found joy again. I still can't fathom being the joyous person I once was, but you are all giving me hope that it is possible.

Triggers are going crazy these last 24 hours.

I am having a day where I can't get the visions out of my head.

Sometimes I just want him gone so that I won't think about it anymore. I know that I still will, though. I just keep wondering--how do I make the pain stop?! It doesn't seem like it will ever stop hurting the very core of my soul.

There are moments I just wish I didn't know the truth, just so I won't hurt for awhile. I know in my head that I need to know the truth, but my heart just needs the pain to STOP!!!!

I have actually prayed that God would let me get really sick and die so that the agony of the visions in my head would cease. (I don't mean that I am suicidal.)

OK, I'm feeling the tears coming and my little ones are going to need my attention soon. So, I'm going stuff all these burning emotions down for now and come back to them when I can really cry.

Thanks for listening.

(((RH)))
I am so sad you are feeling down and triggering today- triggers suck.

Can you leave your younger ones with the older ones and get out of the house?

Sometimes, I would go somewhere and park and then I would scream and cry and scream some more. I also did a lot of journalling. Go in your room, close the door, light some candles, read your bible, pray, journal.

Hang in there, honey. I'm praying for you right now.

moveforward,

Thank you so much for your quick response. I really needed to hear from someone. I know it is normal to feel all that I am feeling, I just wish I could stop it all for a little while.

I have to get my kids dinner and then off to their evening activity. So I really can't "check out" right now. When I get home, H will be home, too. So, maybe I'll have to wait until 2 a.m. to let it all go. If so, I'll probably be back here around that time.

Well I slept until about 4 a.m. I woke up and was overwhelmed with grief for the marriage I thought I had and for the man I thought he was, and for the love I thought we had. I quietly started crying. After a while of quiet crying in bed, I had to move into the bathroom so I could sob. I spent almost 2 hours crying. That was about the time he woke up. He got ready for work, and came in to kiss me goodbye and say ILU (like he always does). I couldn't say it back to him (I couldn't yesterday morning either). First time in our 24 years together that I didn't say it back. I just didn't feel like the ILU was real. It's easy to say, but where are the actions to back it up?

The rest of the day I was pretty much overwhelmed with my feelings of loss--even took my wedding ring off. No interaction between us at all that evening. He laid down with our two youngest at bedtime and fell asleep. I stayed up until about 1:30 a.m. because I just couldn't stop my mind dwelling on this betrayal. Did a ton of journaling.

Today I am in a better place (at least so far). And his "I love you" this morning I was able to receive and reciprocate.

Last night I began a list of what I need to know about each affair. His first appointment with our MC is next week. I have put on hold all talk about the affair because we had reached a point where he shut down. Once we get going on our counseling (I have gone twice), I will be diving into what I need from him. I would rather do this than get a little info here and there, over and over again. I just want it all in one fell swoop so I can say, "OK, this is it. This is all there is. There's nothing else coming." I would like to have a different time set aside for each affair. Plan to talk about one affair at a time and cover it completely to my satisfaction. Then plan another meeting time for the next affair, and then another time for the third affair. I believe that once I have these questions answered, I can process that affair, have closure on it, and put it behind me. This may sound crazy, but I am looking forward to getting through this part, only because I know that then I can stop playing 1,000 different scenarios in my head for each affair--that's 3,000 different movies in my head of my husband with someone else. I would much rather just have the real deal with less versions.

Here are my questions. Am I crazy to ask these? Is this too long of a list?

1. Name, age, city they live in, occupation, marital status during affair, children during affair, what they look like
2. How did you meet
3. When it began and when it ended (month/year)
4. How did it begin and how did it end (who initiated, was there a time of flirting first, were you “seeking” someone out)
5. Was the first encounter planned
6. How often did you get together (daily, weekly)
7. Who made contact
8. How was contact made (cell, shop phone, home phone, email)
9. Where did you meet and where did you go
10. Did they come to the shop
11. Who else do I know that knows these women
12. When did you meet (time of day/day of week) and for how long
13. Did you “date” (lunch/dinner, movies, shopping, park walks, anything other than sex)
14. Did you give them gifts or spend ANY money on them? What were they?
15. Did they give you any gifts? What were they?
16. Did you call or email them just to say hi, talk dirty, check in, tease/flirt, etc
17. How long did it last
18. Did you kiss me and say I love you before you went to meet them
19. Did you kiss me and say I love you when you came home
20. Did you ever make love to me after being with them
21. At the farm, once you told me you were too tired to make love—had you been with her
22. Did you daydream/fantasize about them
23. When I was getting hang up calls, were you having an affair
24. Were there any pregnancies as a result
25. What sex went unprotected and how often
26. Did you think of them when you were home with us
27. Did you think of them when you made love to me
28. Did you think of me before you went to meet them, while you were with them, after you were with them
29. What were you feeling before your rendevous (excitement, fear, thrill, etc.)
30. What were you feeling afterward (pleased, satisfied, remorse, guilt, shame, sorrow, excitement)
31. Did they say I Love you
32. Did you say I love you
33. What emotions did you feel for them
34. Did they know you were married? And have kids?
35. Did you talk about my children with them
36. Did you talk about me or our marriage
37. What did you talk about
38. Did you say their names when you were having sex
39. Did you express feelings for them when you were having sex
40. Did you talk about leaving me
41. Did you make plans for a future with them
42. How often do you see them now
43. Do they have your cell # or home #
44. Did they threaten to tell me, or find me or kids, or threaten us in any way
45. If they dumped you, were you angry, disappointed, sad
46. Did you miss them when it was over
47. Did you contemplate an affair for a while before it started
48. Was the sex good/satisfying
49. Did you feel disappointment when we were making love during the affair time
50. Did you worry about getting caught, hope to get caught, didn’t care about getting caught
51. What motivated you to have the affair


I am also working on a list of what I need him to day for us to recover. I would appreciate any suggestions on that topic as well. Here's what I am pondering:

1. No more infidelity (emotional or physical)
2. No contact with the “other women” EVER again
3. Radical honesty about everything past, present, future; including affairs
4. Men only AA meetings; or we attend together
5. Complete transparency, including weekly calendar of appointments
6. No appointments/meetings alone with women (work, social, dojo, AA, etc.)
7. Call morning, afternoon, and evening every day
8. Read Surviving An Affair and work through the Emotional Needs Survey and use the Point of Joint Agreement Plan
9. A minimum of 15 hours per week alone time with each other

As people prepare for Plan B, I have read posts that say to secure your finances. Exactly what does that mean? I homeschool our kids and my husband works. We share a checking account. What does "securing your finances" look like in that scenario?

We bought a home last summer that H is currently remodeling. The projects he has going on will take him 3-4 months.

RH, securing the finances usually means moving access to shared money and taking the WS's name off credit cards, etc. In the case of a SAHM, it would mean getting a legal seperation agreement ensuring the bills get paid before the seperation.

ML,

Do you mean get a legal separation NOW?? Or just meet with an attorney and discuss how to proceed if we reach that point?

We don't have credit cards. He has his business card and I have used that whenever we needed to mail order something. Otherwise, we always pay from checking account. This past month I did print my credit report and it was pretty good (nothing bad on it). The report stated that if I desired to raise my score, getting a credit card (and, of course, establishing a positive payment pattern) would increase it. So I have done that.

This is so sad for me (as I'm sure it was for all of you who have walked this path). I have always felt so well provided for and secure in his provision. We are not rich, but he is wise with his money and has done well for us. We are debt free other than a low mortgage. I completely trusted that he would always take care of me--you know, we each had different roles to play and between us we took care of each other and our children.

RH, one secures their finances when they are a) considering seperation or b) have a spouse who is plundering their assets for his/her affair. Do either of those apply? You are not considering seperation, are you?

No, neither of these apply. I do NOT want to separate. I can't see us rebuilding anything if he is not here. But in an earlier post, someone suggested I secure my finances.

At this point, I am trying to Plan A and establish a good MC for us. I have had two appointments with a counselor that I like. My next appointment is Monday and my H goes on Wed. for his first appointment. I am hoping that after a few visits, we can begin to address these affairs so that I can process them and have some closure to that part of rebuilding. We have been avoiding talk about the affairs or our relationship.

Could someone please comment on my affair questions above? I listed about 50 questions I want answered for each affair. That seems like a lot to me, but those are the questions that go through my head everyday and every night. If I have the answers, the questions can STOP! Also, what are some ideas for steps to recover (my needs list).

Thank you so much for hanging in here with me. Some days, I spend hours here just reading so that I know I am not alone. Please be patient with me as I struggle to know the right path.

RH,
I've read through the posts and go back to your original one where you listed your boundaries. All your questions and feelings are normal and certainly just drag on when you may still have a S in an A, or at least not forthcoming. 50+ questions is alot but you're entitled to the answers. The WS doesn't like to answer them b/c it forces them to face their own ugly truth. Give him Joseph's letter, which may explain why you need to know the truth.
I'm glad you're feeling strengthened and empowered, in that if he can't live up to your boundaries, then he'll face plan B.

V/r,
No Way

RH:

Contact a Lawyer and find out where your stand and get the Legal Seperation started.

Create a seperate checking account so that you have some access to funds.

Good Job getting the Credit Card.

Then really decide what you want to do.

Your H had three A's in 19 years.

You need information regarding those A's.

Have you allowed your H to give it to you?

Have you started to create an environment that will allow you to have these conversations?

You have been M'ed for 19 years. You are a SAHM, with 4 Home-schooled kids.

Sounds like WH has provided you and your children with a stable home environment.

Your H emotional detachment started many years ago, and so did yours. You state that you are a "loving Wife"

Ok.

So be one.

Save this M.

Your listing above of the things you need from your H regarding all the A's? Print it and give it to him. Tell him that this is where you are and what you need to start healing.

ANd let him answer the questions. ANd you listen to those answers. ANd try not to react in such a way as to make him fear giving you the answers.

Will the answers hurt? Yes. But it's better than not knowing...

Will he answer in one night. No. And if you expect him to, it will NEVER happpen.

But can you talk to him for one hour a couple/three days a week, and start moving thru the list? Yes. And slowly, you will reconnect with him.

Let me ask you about his answer to question number 32? If he was to say Yes. What would happen? Would you throw him out? Slap Him? Stop talking to him? Hold Him? Haven't really thought that thru have you? Remember, in two cases these actions were over 5 years ago. Doesn't lessen the hurt, or the pain, just the fact that those feelings, at that time, were fleeting for your WH. So, your response to those questions need to be thought out.

I am not beating you up here. Your on MB, and you are trying to figure out what went wrong in your M. And there is Plan A/B/D to help straighten it out. There is also Plan FU if needed.

But I also see that you are not really accepting your parts in the condition of the M. You know what his EN's are, and your prior actions did not meet his EN's, however, you state that he hasn't met yours, so it's up to him.

I didn't meet many of the same EN's for my BS that your H doesn't meet for you. And she in turn wasn't meetting many of mine. ANd she will tell you, that if I only got with it, we could have had a great M. Well I did get it. On Dday. And so did she.

Your WH may be in an A right now, but he has had knowledge of his actions for 13 years. Something that you are just coming to grips with. Therefore the Anger. And the Huge disappointment. You just found OUT! You need to pass thru several stages until you will really want to reconnect with your WH. And he has much to atone for. But with the knowledge that you are gaining from MB, you can pass thru these stages quicker, and be an ezample for your H.

LG

LG,

Thank you for your response. I will address all your questions this afternoon. I have an appointment in 30 minutes to get rid of these gray sparkly things poking through my hair. AGH!

I have already thought through a lot of your questions and considered my response and reaction. This info is so important to me (honesty and openness are very, very high for me), that I expect I will proceed through the questions with quiet resolve. However, as I ponder and process the answers over the days afterward, I will have the huge emotional reactions that would be appropriate for this kind of processing. I am a firm believer of diving into emotions that are there so that they can be processed and put behind me. I usually embrace my feelings and get through them. (I've had two other major traumas in my lifetime.)

You mentioned that I haven't really accepted my part in the condition of the marriage. However, I feel that I have and very early on expressed my sorrow to my husband for not having recognized his important needs. I will again reiterate this to him as we work toward recovery. I am grieved over my not seeing how very important all of that was to him. When I say it's up to him, I am talking about whether he is willing to commit to making the necessary changes to recover (radical honesty, transparency, commitment, time investment---these will ALL be very difficult for him). I have made the commitment to make whatever changes are necessary. However, if I am meeting his needs and he continues to refuse to meet mine, eventually I will be empty and will be unable to continue meeting his--not that I would REFUSE to meet his.(Actually, my LB is presently empty, I am just hoping it will get filled some soon.)

Well, I obviously forgot about my gray hair! I need to go, but will post more of a response to you qestions later. I am so happy to hear from you all. Thank you!

RecoveryHopeful,

If I were an unfaithful husband, I would want you for my wife, because I could count on you to be fair, honest and patient in dealing with me and our marriage recovery.

Of course it takes both husband and wife to make a good marriage, but your husband's wayward behavior is NOT your fault. He made self-serving decisions on his own, now he can live with the consequences.

Your questions are fair, right to do and complete for real recovery.

You have a good resolve in working this out, and have handled your emotions better than most human beings could.

Continue to let the Lord guide you.

LG,

Thank you for reponding. I'm sorry for the delay in getting back to your specific questions. The weekend was very busy with kids stuff. And once I get on this board, I have a hard time going back to "real life".


Yes, I believe I have made it possible for these conversations to take place. The first week after D-day we had a few talks. The details I have came out in our first conversation (the night I found out) and in our second conversation (just a couple days later--he was out of town for the first day and a half). The first couple of conversations, I was still in shock. I would ask questions, hear his answer and ask more. I was crying the whole time, but I was not hysterical. In the second conversation I had my back to him, I think because, neither one of us could face looking at each other yet. What I learned those first few days are:

how they meet, approximate length of affair, and rough estimate of when they occurred, the lie he told me when they were meeting, where they did it. He also said that the last affair was over 6 months ago (and lasted a week).

Five days past D-day we had another talk. It was a painfully calm conversation about how we got to this point. I look back on it and really don't feel much came out of that other than we began some dialog about our marriage. Here's the info I came out of from that:

he says it had nothing to do with me, but was about the brokenness he felt inside. He said he was lonely. I said I realize I fell short at meeting his important needs, and I shared what needs I realize I didn't have met. It was a really sad conversation, like the veil had been lifted and we were standing naked in a winter blizzard. I told him I wanted him to stay and I wanted to work on our marraige. He said he had checked out emotionally on our marriage off and on throughout the years, and wasn't sure how he was presently feeling. This was the toughest part for me. I believed I could work through all of this mess and forgive and come to a new beautiful place with him. But he was now telling me he didn't know if he was on board for that. He commented that he didn't know if I could ever trust him again.

That evening, upon my initation, we had SF, and it was quite passionate. I think I wanted him to KNOW that this part of our life could be restored, and I was truly longing to feel connected and close to him.

We talked again 3-4 days later. We both stayed calm(neither one of us has ever yelled at each other or said purposely hurtful, mean words to each other) and discussed some more tough issues about how we felt during our marriage. Although I thought we had a wonderful marriage with deep love, commitment, respect, passion, I had taken a closer look the last few days and had begun to understand "how we got here". We discussed again the lack on both parts of not meeting important needs. I shared some words that were tough for him to hear about our children really missing him because of his continued outside commitments. I know it was painful for him, and I spoke in a matter-of-fact, respectful, direct way, not trying to hurt him, but hoping he would see that he REALLY hasn't been there. I told him I had always wanted to grow old with him, and that although I hadn't expected it to mean going through this, I STILL DO want to grow old with him. He could not yet commit to working on our marriage. This really messed with my mind (but I kept that to myself). How is it that you play happily marriedI /love and adore my wife...then she asks if you've had any affairs....you confess to three...and bam, you now don't know about being married???? WTF?! I asked if he felt remorse, and he said sometimes yes, sometimes no. OK, that was really hard to hear to. But I really tried not to give my reactions, and just continue seeking what was going on inside his head. He said that he needed to find an IC to work through his issues, and that this was all about him (obviously, not true, from my perspective, because a H F***ing someone else DOES effect his wife).

BTW, we continued SF every night that he was home, sometimes in the middle of the night. It was wonderful as it was the only connection I had with him. Our days were incredibly strained.

A few days later, he told me wanted to work on our marriage.

Throughout the first 4 weeks he kept telling me he couldn't talk anymore, that his mind was whirling and he needed to find a counselor for himself. I asked about MC, but he was non-committal, just told me to find someone for myself. I did find someone for myself, and asked my H if he would consider going to him (since he still hadn't pursued anyone on his own). I left the business card on our dresser and told him that my counselor would like to see him and then both of us together later. If he is interested, he could call. A few weeks ago, he told me he had an appointment scheduled. (I was elated).

After those initial conversation that I mentioned above, my H started putting a wall up about affair/relationship talk. I know him well enough to know that I cannot push him when his wall is up. So I began praying that God would lead him to MC. I have my next appointment today, and my H goes on Wednesday. My hope is that through counseling we will be able to address the affairs and our marriage. But until then, I have avoided any further talk about those. I have been trying to meet his needs. He has been distant, avoiding me often, keeping busy and committed. However, we do have moments. We have gone out a couple times (we had weekly date nights for the late 13 years). I feel like he is holding me at a distance, and I don't know if it's because he can't yet deal with his guilt and remorse or if he just doesn't want to be close to me emotionally. It is hard not to feel rejected. Our SF has continued often and passionately. That seems to be that way we connect right now.

My husband has been a wonderful provider and I have expressed my appreciation for that many times, privately to him, and in public to others. He has also been a wonderful emotional support encouraging me with words about being a good mother, being beautiful, and so forth. I truly thought he adored me.

Three high needs for me are honesty and openness and recreational time and family commitment. My H enjoys "pulling the wool over people's eyes". He jokes about being able to argue any side of an arguement just to see the other person waiver. I am sure that I found this attractive at one point. But I realize that honesty and openness is probably his LOWEST need. Although, I don't really know that, because he has always had the confidence that I am honest with him. It has always been a value to me and he knows that. I used to think that he was that way with everyone else, but not with me, especially on the big stuff (boy, do I feel gullible now!)

As far as recreational, we really don't have activities that we do together. I am usually home taking care of our children, while he is out doing his hobbies, working, meetings, etc. If I am honest, I am sure that I have a long standing resentment in this area. I think he felt I needed time away from the kids, so he kept encouraging to get a sitter and get out of the house. What I really desired was to do things with him and with our family. I didn't understand this until I recently read SAA. We read love languages years ago together, and determined my language was time. I think he thought our date nights fulfilled that. I see ways he tried to meet what he thought were my needs, and I see that I really didn't understand how to articulate my needs until I read SAA. It all makes so much sense now. I just wanted him home with us, hangin' out with us, playing with us. I would love to have hobbies to do with him or as a family. But he doesn't want that.

Here's a typical week for my H:

M--works until 6:00 then goes to his martial arts class. Gets home around 9-9:30 sometimes later if he stays and chats

T--usually works late because the kids are at martial arts class (younger ones until 7, older ones until 8:30). Time he gets home varies.

W--kids go to church activity (except during summer) and I had hoped it would be an evening for us to do whatever--SF. This year that happened the first few weeks, then he worked late a few times or had other stuff to do, then it fizzled out. So sometimes we were home together and sometimes not.

TH--Kids have martial arts class and he has a separate martial arts class. Younger kids home around 7, he and the older ones home around 9. Unless he stays late to chat, then he comes home later.

F--once a month he goes out with a friend.

Saturday--morning--he takes kids to martial arts class and he works out on his own.

Weekend--sometimes he goes in to work. Right now he is remodeling our home and that takes up most of his weekend.

Now throw in AA meetings when we goes (which isn't often any more--I guess only when he wants to screw someone). He's been sober since age 17--24 years).

I look at this and have no idea how we can ever fit in 15 hours a week of time together, and I know the martial arts is non-negotiable. Whatever activity is does, it is written in stone. Early on it was AA, then business and church meetings, and now martial arts. What I learned early on, is that he is not willing to put me above these activities. So I just accepted that was who he was and tried to live with that. But it is true that I resented it. Not that he got to go do stuff and I didn't, but that he didn't want to be home with my and his children..that he didn't miss us and want to have fun with us. In the beginning I felt guilty for feeling this way about AA, knowing how important it was for him to stay sober. Then later, I felt guilty for feeling this way about church meetings because he was using his "gifts". Then I felt guilty for feeling this way about martial arts, because he wanted to be healthy and live longer with us (his words). Now I don't feel guilty anymore, I just feel sad that he chose all of that instead of us.

Also, my H is a flirt, and so him going out to these actitivies and flirting, has made it even harder to be home without him. I used to tell myself that I was just being insecure and that was my own issue and I shouldn't have a problem with it. I've grown and matured, though, over these years. And it is not my issue. I am not insecure, his behavior is inappropriate.

Now, these issues above, are mostly revelations I have made in the last 7 weeks after D-day. It is amazing how clear things become when the rose colored glasses are shattered on the floor.

I see now that my loneliness and yearning for him to be home made it difficult to continue to fulfill his SF need (and yes, this is a high need for him). He has told me in the past that admiration is also a high need, but he doesn't seem to receive it when I give it. When I spoke it, it didn't seem to have an impact. So I don't think I gave it as often as he needed. But in all honesty, it seemed to me that he valued it more from others than from me, like no matter how much I gave, it wasn't enough.

I feel like all I am doing in this post is complaining. I don't want it to seem that way. I really want you to understand that I always thought he was an incredible husband, attentive in many ways, loving, encouraging, fun and playful, a great provider, and so much more. That's why all of this is so hard to fathom. He BOTH adored each other (at least I thought we both did). I felt like I had "gotten one of the good ones". It is so hard to mesh the man I thought I knew with the man that could have multiple affairs.

I think I am being a loving wife. I read and continue to read book after book to understand the dynamics of affairs and how to recover in a healthy way. I have examined my part in allowing the environment to happen (I do NOT take responsiblity, however, for him choosing to betray me, that's all his work.) I have shared my heart and soul as much as he has been willing to hear. I have stepped back when it seems he needed me to. I have offered SF often. I have spoken words of admiration that are sincere but not overly mushy. I have started counseling and am fully willing to work through whatever tough, painful issues come about. I even feel forgiveness at times.

But I am only one part of this marriage. My husband is going to have to put both feet in and dive into the deep, painful waters with me. I am hoping that after a few counseling sessions we will be able to meet together and swim in the deep. I am trying to find that balance of not running from the work that needs done, but not pushing and forcing it before he is ready to dive in. I am the type of person that wants to work on it all and not stop until we are through. I don't think he can handle that approach. I would stay up all night for 10 nights and work day and night so that we can get through it. My mind can't stop, so I want to bring relief. But I have to respect him through this, and know that he may process it differently. I just don't want to forget to be respected myself as well.

I am hoping our counseling will lead us in this direction. To prepare his heart to be willing to do this.

Yes, I have thought this out. I have thought out every question on the list asking myself, "Do I really want to know this?"" The answers are important to me. I need to understand his thinking and his feelings. I need to know what type of relationship these were. It's just another piece of my puzzle for me. My reaction? Probaby tears for about 1 minute. Then I'll proceed to the next one. Yes, it will hurt. Yes, I will revisit the pain for a long time. But for me, that will be better then wondering IF.