Thanks Mark. Perhaps “force her to choose” shows I haven’t quite got it after all!
I’m happy with the strategy of MB but the tactics for my situation are still tricky to decide. I told WW repeatedly that I won’t accept 3 people in our marriage (to quote Princess Di). But part of my Plan A has been not to keep harping on about all this, so I haven’t said it recently. Since my behaviour has changed perhaps she thinks I’ve accepted her plan after all - would I be right to think that would undermine Plan A so I must tell her again?
Also, whilst she’s in withdrawal is it appropriate to ask her to clarify all my LBs in case I’m missing something important (I’m sure she won’t do the questionnaire just yet)? How about asking her, “What are all the things I do (or don’t do) that annoy or disappoint you most? Not in the past, but now?” Any other ideas?
Please be patient guys, I haven’t been here long.

By the way, I certainly won't be facilitating her affair in any way.

I've just reread the whole thread.
I think I've been confused by all the softly, softly of Plan A. What you seem to be telling me is that I must insist she ends all contact right now and just get on with my Plan A regardless of what she says or does. If she refuses to agree or carries on behind my back (as seems likely from other stories here) what then? Tell her again and carry on with my plan?
Maybe I'm stupid or maybe I'm exhausted but I'm not finding it easy to get this right.
I have ordered "Surviving an Affair".

by george he's starting to get it... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

read this on plan A

web page read this one as well

there is no reason for too short of a plan A.....

and this one

ark

Yes.


The purpose of Plan A is two-fold....One, give your wife an attractive alternative to the affair. And two, use strategies that hasten the end to the affair. If you do these things consistently for as long as you can (hopefully, not shorter than three weeks....and not longer than three months), then you go to Plan B which ends contact with your wife until she ends contact with her affair partner.


Good....that will help.

MFZ,

FWIW, I asked my then WW to enumerate my LBs and shortcomings too soon after Dday. Boy did I get a list!

Of course I now know that they were almost all justification attempts by her to make her A more easily accepted by herself and anyone else who might listen to her. She was basically trying to convince me that it was because of me and my actions that she got involved with OM.

Oh, I was able to gain a little insight into some of her real complaints, but they were only hinted at while her list was mostly about my criticism of her in various ways.

Example: If I picked up after our granddaughter, I was being critical of her for not being a good housekeeper. Of course if I didn't pick up after DGD, she complained that nobody helped her and she was doing it all herself.

At no time did I even mention that I did something to help pick up or acknowledge in any way that I did it at all, but to her, in her then WW mindset, it was an act of criticism rather than one of helping her.

So, while you may ask her for help identifying your LBs, remember that most of what you will get will be useless blame shifting. IMO, if the result is the same regardless of the answer, why bother to ask the question?

Basic LBs fall into only a handful of categories anyway, so if you avoid angry outbursts & disrespectful judgements and avoid being blatantly dishonest in your dealings with her you have pretty well taken care of the problem.

Mark

I see that you are in good hands. Listen carefully to the advice given to you. You have a lot of good people, whose opinions I respect, on your corner. I will let them do their thing.

Remember, you'll be fine in the end.

Mark, thanks (and UVA). That sounds like good advice and I'm doing those already.
I have reminded WW that I won't accept 3 in our marriage - she understood, she says. But I don't yet have an NC agreement. Any suggestions, or a thread that might help?
Where do I go next if I don't get an NC agreement? Straight to plan B?
I'm seeing my counsellor on Thursday so may ask advice then. But as I said before, Relate counsellors (sorry about British spelling) are like consultants who borrow your watch to tell you the time. I'm not sure it's worth going any more. Anyone recommend a good IC in SE England?

Wrote to OMW with MB's site address plus brief description and invited her to work together with me to beat them. I hope she looks into it and develops her own Plan A - from what I know (unreliably) she is very controlling and that's her big LB.
I am tempted to give WW a copy of Trueheart's letter. Also (if I can find it again) the thread that shows everything she says is exactly what all WSs say - might make her think. Is that jumping the gun at this stage?

No, but I know a wonderful Life Coach who lives in Norway (originally from the US) and is very knowledable in the ways of MB. I've done about 8 or 9 months of Life Coaching (via phone) with her and it's been fantastic.

I have contact info if you're interested. Feel free to email me at foregoodreasons@yahoo.com if you want it.

See my signature....

Larry

Thanks Larry. I wanted her to realise how boringly commonplace her feelings and reactions are so it feels less special. The question is, should I keep my powder dry? She hasn't reached the stage of wanting to make the M work yet.
Norway seems a bit far Mr Alias. Does he have Skype or other cheap phone connection? Thanks, I may mail you later.

In the States we have cheap online long distance phone service...it costs .0220 cents per minute to call the UK. If you have something similar I would think you could try phone counseling with the Harley's. I would think that with the favourable exchange rate if wouldn't be cost prohibitive at $185 per hour. You could probably get lots more from a couple of sessions with them than several sessions with your regular IC's or MC's.

MFZ,

With the favourable £/$ rate I'd seriously suggest the Harley's. I used my mobile (o2) via a international carrier & it came off my free minutes - it isn't that much dearer that Relate. Shout me back if you need the details.

b.p.m.

p.s. My 0.02: keep your powder dry.

Will look into cheap-call operators Trix . Details would be useful please BPM - by the way, are there reasons for keeping powder dry or is it gut instinct? Thanks again.
I think I'm making progress with my attitude and self-image. I'm just wondering if I'm beginning to lose too much respect/regard for WW. Maybe it's just one of my mood swings. Have organised a sunny-day picnic for her later today which I will prepare - addressing one of the LBs (or is it an EN?)

MFZ:

It's just a gut feeling (I've not yet told F?WW wife about MB). In the early days, way back in the long long before time of Jan 07 <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />, I suppose I didn't want her to know I had a plan; she could have prepared against it & it wouldn't be as effective (she was commited to OM then).

Good to hear you're making progress with yourself; are you plan A (do you have a plan) ??

Hope the weather stays good for you. Phone details to follow...

b.p.m.

Just looked at my phone bills, the number I used was 08708010202 - website (I think) was http://www.firstnumber.co.uk.

Good luck.

Yep, SHE uses Skype. There were no phone expenses involved. You just got to love that. I'm in the US (Wisconsin) and that's how we conducted our sessions each week.

Phone counseling actually has some real benefits. Heh, you don't have to leave your home to get better. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Here's her website if you wish to check it out first.

http://www.dbdcoach.com/

Hopefully I'm not violating any MB rules by posting a non-affiliated coaching website.

Just remember the coaching will be designed to only help you work on you. I'm not sure it will do anything to save your M but it will definitely help you have a better life.

If you are hoping to save your M and can't afford to do both coaching and MC then I suggest you start with the MC and yes most definitely use the Harleys.

BPM - I'm Plan A but not sure if I really have a good plan. I'm avoiding disrespectful judgements and doing my best to address the identified LB/ENs - better conversation and taking the initiative to do stuff for/with her. But she hasn't committed to NC and I haven't exposed A to the children or best friends yet. We're away together next week and then it's her birthday so opportunities for some credits. Meeting with MC tomorrow (solo) so will see what emerges from that. I'm feeling better (generally) and she's feeling down - I think tougher action is due but want to get this as right as I can. Your URL link doesn't work but I'll search for it.
Mr A - I'm probably about due for some IC. Thanks for your suggestion.