Question:

How long has it been since she has seen or been contacted by or contacted the OM?

Larry

MIM,

You said you had a "revelation" because of some other information that "slipped out". So are you pretty sure that your hunches are right? Is there some chance that your suspicions aren't right? Did you ask her directly to corroborate what you believe happened, or did you ask her more questions that would perhaps "catch" her in a lie? I realize you're being non-specific so that you don't have to reveal too many personal details....but I'm just a little confused about whether this is a "hunch" or something you really "know".

I think I can put it aside and not let it bother me. I've seen far worse behaviour from her and I'm still here trying to recover our M. We're actually doing pretty well at the moment, though this might just be another upswing on the Recovery Rollercoaster <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.



Not really. I've reached a point where I think I can walk away from our M if it's my best interest to do so. I'm not afraid of that possibility becoming a reality.



I think it's willingness for the most part, though she does make the effort at times. She definitely prefers not to reflect on the awful things she's done in the past. She wants to forget them. Says it doesn't help her or our recovery if I keep asking her to try to recall them.

No. I think it would be a good idea, particularly to deal with any issues that she's not comfortable sharing with me yet. I don't think she's interested in doing anything like that though. I'll pose the question to her this morning.

I asked her that recently. She says that they haven't been in contact for a very long while, not since full NC was established. I don't believe anything is going on there at all - from what I understand, the OM got what he wanted and really has no more interest in her.

I'm certain.



Only if she lied about other details. No, I'm pretty certain that it's right.



I know the facts surrounding the situation. What I wanted to find out was what she was thinking at the time, and why she did what she did and made the choices that she made. Unfortunately, I didn't get the answers I was looking for, just "I don't know" and "I can't remember"....

Just for clarification, is your wife's evasiveness primarily centered around "why" questions or "what were you thinking" questions? Or, is it also around factual (sequence of events) questions?

How long ago was this, again?

Mys

ManInMotion,

Did you get the impression from your W's response that she really can't remember anything or do you think she is just using the "I can't remember" and "I don't know" answers as an easy way out to avoid telling the truth?

Suzet: Search "Bring it on" Name is "tangled." If you have the time. You are one of the ones on here I trust to pick up signals from what people say. I would be interested in your gut feel, if you have the time to get up to speed. There was another thread where I was asking my usual questions to get people to think and I forget the thread title.

Larry

Hi Larry,

Will take a look and let you know. I'm knocking off from work within a few minutes, so if I don't find the time tonight I will read up tomorrow.

Take care.

All three, I guess. For example, she couldn't remember that I'd called her when she was away to propose to her. As that particular fact was key to everything else, I didn't ask many questions after that, and the ones that I did ask, I got mostly "I can't remember" or "I don't know" answers.



Before we were M'd, probably about 20 yeara ago. Strange the things we both can and can't remember from that time, e.g. she can't remember me proposing to her, but she can remember sleeing with the OM the night before returning home <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />.

In any case, I've decided that I'm not going to spend more time wondering about that period - I've got much more recent issues to be concerned about.

I think she prefers not to try to recall any of the bad things that she may have done, which includes trying to recall any memory that doesn't come immediately to mind. In the past I've tried helping her to remember using information from letters she sent, etc., but that usually ends up with her feeling more frustrated. Now, I back off. If she eventually remembers, it will eventually come out in one of our conversations, based on past experience.

I asked - she's not interested in IC at this time.

She told me tonight that she became annoyed when I asked her if she'd considered IC. She said that there's nothing wrong with her, she feels no need for counselling and, if anything I'm the one who needs counselling because I'm the one that seems to be having all these "difficulties", and I should stop trying to fix her.

All that from me asking if she'd considered counselling. Ok, what did I do wrong now...

Well, considering everything you've said about her here (i don't remember much about what she's written though I do know I read it), I'm not surprised. She basically doesn't WANT to remember this stuff -- so counseling TO remember probably sounds like a silly idea for her. Kind of in a "Why on EARTH would I go do that?!" kind of way

What would she work on in counseling? She doesn't have any goals for it -- so all that leaves are your goals. And, she doesn't sound anywhere near enthusiastic agreement that those are good/healthy goals for her.


I don't think you did anything wrong and I'm not sure you should frame it that way just because she's annoyed. Once again, her reaction is her reaction. You made it a thoughtful request and she's given you a pretty clear, definitive answer (she doesn't feel a need for counseling). And, then a poorly phrased request/suggestion to you to "stop trying to fix her."

Look, MiM, I know you have the best intentions. One of the hardest things to learn is that sometimes even when people need help - they won't take it. Even if you really, really want to help her she's not ready or willing to BE helped in the way you want to help. You've reached out to her (good) and she's let you know her response (no).

I think you should take her advice. Stop trying to fix her. Be there -- she knows where to find you if and when she decides to get help -- and remember that she might be one of the people who just never do decide to do that.

It sucks when people you care about do that.

Mys

Hi Larry, I’ve done a search on that thread and have just finished reading. Can you please tell me what exactly you want my opinion or “gut” feel about?

Thanks!

MIM,

Long before my WW A I tried to get her to go to counseling. She had a very hard time when her mother died at the age of 63. She wouldn't go. She didn't think she needed it, and she was sure it wouldn't help. As the A approached, it was obvious that we were having problems, and I again ask her to consider counseling. Again she refused. After we separated, after I confronted her about the A, after she broke things off, she finally decided to get some help. She is very happy with her psychiatrist, and in four weeks she feels like it has already helped.

I have been in counseling for over a year. I have had good luck and made good progress. I think that my WW saw this and it helped her make the decision to go. If you are not in counseling, maybe you should go. If it goes well for you, you could approach your wife again.