Hi this is all new and scary so please bear with me....

my husband told me he was having an affair about 3 wks ago and life since then has been an emotional roller coaster.
One minute he's tellling me he's leaving her and gonna "try to be a good boy" next minute he's with her again.

we have 2 kids at home I told them about it, my family knows, i've told my coworkers, intend to have a talk with his mom soon.
his coworkers know and are in awe that i am still with him and we still have a sex life (much better now than in a few years) ironic isn't it?
she is also a coworker. weekends go great for us then by sunday evening i can feel him emotionally pulling away i guess because he will see her all week long at work.
I spoke to her she said she would stop seeing him (LOL)
this part i'm almost positive is normal to an extent for just finding out.
i haven't read any of the books listed on this site i just accidentally found it today.

we have been together 15 yrs
married for 14

I love him with all my heart and do not wish him to leave.
these r my options as i see them(well not true more as he stated them)
1. he stays, nothing changes he still sees her
2. he stays, i allow her into our bed nothing changes
3. he leaves(but only if i throw him out he's unwilling to go on his own)

this part gets harder ....

i started out as his mistress 15 yrs ago, always wondered if he would cheat but since he had not in 15 years i figuered he wasn't about to start (shame on me for thinking)
i know many people will frown at this point because of how our marriage began but believe me it makes it no less painful
i guess i've run out of bravery
thanks for 'listening'


I also have this posted in just found out.

I'm sure it makes it no less painful...but I'd also say that it should have made it less of a surprise that it happened. Everyone wants to believe "Well, my story is different!"...when they learn its not.

Read up on plan A, plan B, etc...go through all the material on the main site, and that should give you some ideas on a plan of action here. I'd warn you tho that serial cheaters RARELY work out as long term marriage partners.

Thanks.

You are right I knew the odds would be higher that he would do it again, but I honestly thought because we had made it this far without this happening we would be okay.

I realise now the pain is part of my 'punishment' for causing pain to others and I accept that.

I am working on plan A.

I hope not to fail. He has been my world for better or worse for 15 yrs.

Is the other woman married? If she is the affair must be exposed to her husband.

As you read here and will soon be made aware by many posters, they must cease all contact forever. He must leave that job if she does not.

No contact for life must be established or the affair will never truly end.

And sorry, but you need to get tested for STD's. Don't take his word that, "She's not that kind of girl!"


1. Is not a marriage.
2. Is not a marriage.
3. Is not a marriage.

Do you want #4?

He ends the affair, establishes No Contact for Life no matter what's required, you both learn about meeting each others emotional needs and you start the long hard path to recovery.

#4 is what most of us wanted.

Read everything here. Get the recommended books particularly SAA and His Needs Her Needs.


You have come to the right place if you want to save your marriage but it will take a lot of work, patience and a plan.

No, actually she has been served with papers by her H. He was having an affair on her.

my WH was her consolation.....ironic isn't it?

I've been tested for STD and was fine, I went with him to get the results from his dr.

but we are still intamately involved so i'll continue to get checked every 6 months i guess from now on.

wow, so you sleep with your wh, who is sleeping with an mow who was sleeping with her wh who was sleeping with who knows who or how many!

you really don't value yourself very much, do you?

of course you thought so much of yourself 15 years ago that you became a mistress.

Then, you thought so much of yourself for the last 15 years that you were going to be so special there is no way he would screw around on you.

really, really special

Who told you this? If you did not hear this direct from the OWH it is very likely not true. Call him and confirm it. You may be surprised. If it is true then no one will be upset.

By the way, I was told my OMW was having an affair right at the beginning too. It was not true. Waywards lie. They lie a lot.

Do you want #4?

He ends the affair, establishes No Contact for Life no matter what's required, you both learn about meeting each others emotional needs and you start the long hard path to recovery.

This is what I want VERY much and he talks like he does.


that's why I'm here to see what I need to do to save my marriage.

well when you put it that way .....yes and i will continue to try to keep him satiated so he doesn't want to go to her.
it may not work but i feel i must try.

That is the right answer DL4!

You need to start a plan.

If he continues to see her at work the affair will never really end. Even if it cools down it can start again very easy.

1. Confirm exposure with OWH. This must be done to end an affair.

2. No Contact for Life must be accomplished.

3. Read Surviving and Affair.

4. Read His Needs Her Needs.

5. Read everything hear about Plan A until your SAA book arrives.

6. Learn about Love Busting and don't do it.

7. You both need to do the Emotional Need Questionaire on this site.

deep,

You see the following as your only options?

options as i see them(well not true more as he stated them)
1. he stays, nothing changes he still sees her
2. he stays, i allow her into our bed nothing changes
3. he leaves(but only if i throw him out he's unwilling to go on his own)

You must tell him your option which is the one Chrisner listed.

He agrees to no further contact and he or she quits the job.
And that is NC for LIFE!!

The OW must know what pain you are experiencing, because her WH just did it to her!!

Your option 2 is already happening with option 1, don't you agree? And these options were the ones that your H actually gave to you??

And you accepted this??

You come across as rather nonchalant about the whole thing. Maybe this is because you were the mistress and you feel you are getting what you deserve. Ah yes, the old karma bus.

If you want to fight for the M you must get some backbone and establish some boundaries.

AND STOP HAVING SEX WITH THE BUM!! HAVE SOME DIGNITY!

IMHO

It's not that uncommon, you are not the first, but you must understand the risks. It's your very life at risk in the worst case scenario. I don't know about others here but with that much on the line I can take a pretty long vow of celibacy.

Step 1: End the Affair. Nothing much else can happen until then. Confirm the OWH knows about his WW and your WH.

i guess i should check into that. All I have is her name and the soon to be XH first name so i'll need to go hunting.

let me ask you this . . . when you were the OW, what would it have taken for you to let him go to his wife?

oh, wait, I am sure they had a horrible marriage and you rescued him from that, right?

Deep,

""yes and i will continue to try to keep him satiated so he doesn't want to go to her.""

AW GEEZE, now you are going to go to plan SF?? Get him so worn out that he can't get out of bed in the morning?

So it's going to be like Pavlov's dogs?? He will mention the OW and you sexually satiate him, soooo...hmmmm...he says something about her and, the bell goes off, and you jump him again??? That light bulb will eventually go off in his head.

This may not be the correct way to plan A.

There have been legnthy discussions here about to do or not to do, while the WS is still in contact with the OP.

Plus you just admitted that you would continually have to be checked for STDs...and you again, seem to take this in stride, as a part of every day living.

Stand up to him and for yourself.

Let's all be nice now. She stepped up right at the start with her history. It was 15 years ago and now she is the betrayed spouse. We are here to help. Let's just help.

If he had expressed any desire to stay with his wife I hope I would have let him go. That decision never came up for me he chose to leave her.
But yes he told me they had a bad marriage for years.
I agree whole heartedly what I did then was wrong. I cannot change what I did.
I was young, stupid, need I say more

Not to me.

AND expose them at work. HR Department? What size company is it and do they have an ethics policy? Yea, tell his mom and tell your kids and find her husband and confirm.

Tell him you are fighting for your marriage and relationship. Don't ride the karma bus too far. Pay for your sins, forgive yourself and get on with life by doing the right thing.

Larry