I thought of something I wanted to ask.

Basically, I should continue on with my own life and wait until WH contacts me? He has disappeared for a few weeks now.

I do know he has asked friends about me. Wondering what I have been up to and what not.

Also, should I ask our friends to keep mum about what I have been doing? Kinda get his curiousity going?

Try not to worry about what he is doing. Get busy and work on recovery for yourself. You want to be the most attactive alternative for him. If you are clingy and crying, it won't help.

At some point, he will be wondering if you would take him back. That is why you need to be upbeat and let your friends know that you want your marriage.

All the affairees start out madly in "love", but then start to have doubts and be torn. That is when you will have to be the strong one, and show him the way home.

Gotcha believer.

I know that we have mutual friends and mutual people we see, only at different times. I had someone ask me the other day why WH was not with me, and my response was that he is involved in an affair right now. This guy then asked, "Oh, so you guys are split up then?" And, I responded with, "Well, WH may be split up but I am a married to him until the end."

I just know this guy will tell WH this.

Is this the sort of message I need to spread?

Yes, and don't bad mouth him. But it is FINE to let people know he is having an affair right now.

Then get busy doing some things to raise your self-esteem. Then you won't have to come from a needy place.

Like I mentioned, I volunteered, organized the house, rearranged things, made a garden, did the yard, detailed the car, started my own business, took up new activities, joined a women's support group, and let all my friends and acquaintances know that I wanted to go do things. It was not easy, but really helped.

Sounds like a plan.

I've already picked up some extra hours at work (which is helping me pay the bills) am in the middle of re-organizing, and have started to walk to work. The fresh air (even though it is only a 15 minute walk) is knocking me out come night time.

I've worked on the car (needs a wash again after those birds got at it) and am going to have to complete the detail inside at my parents. (one thing about being married to a former automotive detailer is I know how to get that job done... and right)

I've also made up with friends I had lost due to falling outs, going separate ways, etc.

Once this all began, my workouts went bye bye. The stress and lack of any emotional control really hurt me. But, I got back on the wagon again a couple of weeks ago. Feeling much better.

Tonight, I'm going out with an old friend (one of the ones mentioned) to watch another friend host karaoke. You'll never see me sing... but I can laugh. One of the best things I can do for myself. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

NWTT,

I want to chime in with three things...

One, I would expose to OW's parents/siblings. Simple statement..."Your daughter/sister is having an affair with my H." Great phrase to respond to questions from friends, "I'm fighting to save my marriage. My H is having an affair." Simple stuff. And in response to "So you guys are broken up?" "Marriages can't break up. That's what divorce is for." Or something like that.

I think your mindset is awesome...you know you're going through the toughest time in your life and you're not reacting to all of it...you're acting from love. That's what I see.

Second thing...don't make up with male friends or renew old male friendships. Guard your own boundaries. You're vulnerable to having your ENs met by them. Do what your WH didn't do, 'k?

And last...each time I see the title to your thread, I hear the first notes of the theme to Love Story. Oh! I used to play it on the piano in fourth and fifth grade. Very dramatic song.

Now it's stuck.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

LA

Oh, no, LA, now I'm hearing it too. I think NWTT is too young to remember that one.

I think she is doing well, too. I was a real mess for the first 6 months.

LOL! I thought she was too young for that.

Thank God we're old, Believer.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

LA

Thanks to both of you.

Loving, I really do love my H, and am fighting to save this marriage. I once promised him that if for any reason something happened between us, I would not give up.

May sound cheesy or corny, but it is true.

I have asked God to help me through this... and to guide WH as well. You should have seen me two and a bit months ago. Not a pretty sight.

My biggest fear is that I lose hope... and I am fighting everyday to keep it. I don't want to wake up one day and feel like I am doing this in vain.

That, would be my biggest tragedy.

I promise this is not in vain. Most men come back to the marriage. And even if you don't save the marriage (like me), you will have the peace of knowing that you did all that was possible. You won't have regrets that maybe you should have tried harder.

Stick with us, and we will guide you through this.

The most important thing right now is taking good care of yourself, not blaming yourself, and knowing that there is a lot of hope. There are tons of people here who have saved their marriage.

Believer... I truly hope so.

I cannot picture a life without this man (although, I guess I am living one now, aren't I?)

Seriously though, he is a good man. Just for whatever reason, this WH creature has taken over. And he is horrible. I almost wish I had a video camera. I could make the scariest movie the world has ever seen.

You're too young to remember the movie "The Body Snatchers", but we often joke that going through infidelity is EXACTLY like that movie. They look the same, they talk the same, but it is like an alien has invaded their body. Spouses who were warm and loving become cold and uncaring overnight. It is amazing.

How did you find out?

I remember the movie. I'm a horror movie junkie. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

It all happened overnight. H and I have the greatest relationship. Spend all of our free time together, and so much in love.

Spent a Sunday afternoon together. Went home, made dinner, and Boom. He wanted to go out, picked a fight so he could leave, and gone. Came home next day and packed up all of his stuff.

I came home that night and freaked out (both cause he did not come home that night... and cause he was gone permanently)

Finally got ahold of him the next day. He says he needs space and is staying at parents. I find out a week and a bit later about her. (Cause I was tired of sitting there crying... so I started to look) Cell phone records told me what I needed to know.

He claimed she was a friend of a friends. And she invited him over for dinner?

I had the wrong idea about her. (But, then I am told that he started to tell everyone we split up and he was seeing her)

I made sure the truth was known the second I found out. Called his dad immediately (because he had been lying to them as well... and staying in their home) but, nothing has changed on his family front.

Told all of our friends. WH did not like that our friends were now calling him (or talking back and forth)

I had already started Plan A (without realizing) by just doing wifely things (he needed his resume-I made him a new one, sent him lunch at work, no LB's when I spoke on the phone, etc.) Was very much the rational one in our marriage. Even on the day his lawyer sent his SA letter. He called me to see how I was (because I did not go to work as I was upset... they told him I was sick) so, I mentioned I received his letter today... and he said, "Oh that." I told him he was being silly. Jumping the gun. We can work on this together.

He didn't care about his stuff that day. (did last week though... called my sister to tell her that he wanted his stuff now)

And, here we are today. He stopped calling. Actually, threatened with the lawyer again last time he emailed me. I told him to go ahead... call her if it made him feel better. His money. (and I haven't heard a peep since... from him or lawyer)

Funny how that works. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

So you have a good mental picture of how the wandering spouses are. Hang in there, and keep doing what you are doing. I'm sure he will be back.

Oh, you better believe it. I am amazed that the changes happen so quickly. I don't know how much his family has noticed (seeing as I am enemy number one) but, our friends certainly have.

The last friend that spoke to him had his head chewed off for no reason. He, unfortunately, did his best to sugarcoat the situation (big mistake) because he is a non confrontational kind of guy.

However, the friends he ticked off before then are furious. He better hope to ****** they forgive him when this is all over. Despite the understanding that he is not well, I don't know that he can mend those relationships.

And, I just sit back and watch. (there has been a lot of head shaking lately)

I am posting this here in my thread so that if I ever forget it, I will know where to find it.

Be aware that your friends and family will probably tell you to divorce him. That is what usually happens. People who have not gone through infidelity have no idea. That is why it is good to do most of your venting here.

Sadly, before I came here, when my niece's husband cheated, I gave her bad advise - "Kick the bum out". I couldn't understand why she kept trying to save her marriage. Now I know better.

It is good to examine the marriage before the affair. Often there are some problems that went unexamined, but not always. The Harleys think so. Other experts like Frank Pittman say that affairs happen just as often in very good marriages.

Family feels I am living in a dreamland because he said it is over, so I should accept it (and because I am not, I am nuts)

Our friends understand. I had one friend, who has been in contact with WH a bit, ask ME if our marriage was over. I told him that absolutely not.

I had the same thing happen with a friend believer. His wife cheated, and WH and I told him to get rid of her. We were awful to her. Thankfully, he did not listen. She has now become my closest friend in this. She is someone I can talk to, understand, and be honest with. And, last night, her OM decided to text message her and said a lot of crazy things. All the reason that you HAVE to change your phone numbers!!!

It is good to have someone that understands what my WH is thinking, and who can say to you, when he comes home (and not if)

I just found something that really bothers me.

When talking to people, they always refer to my WH as my ex-husband.

I get really annoyed with this. Regardless of what he is involved in, he is still my H and hearing those words makes my blood boil.

Is it just me?

I hope you are still wearing your rings. When they say something like your "ex", just smile and hold up your hand and let them know he is your HUSBAND.

Our society is strange sometimes - we easily forget that people aren't disposable. My HUSBAND even mentioned once that we weren't married anymore. And that was before we divorced. I guess he thought the marriage was cancelled once he found OW.