I think that is completely the case.

But, when I go to him and say... I want our marriage back... why didn't he come back? Instead he said, "Things can't ever be the same as they were."

I replied, "But, they can be better."

He wanted to talk about it then... but then tried to go the separation route. I wonder if he has other influences? Can other people make him do things in his fog. Convince him?

Oh, they all say the same thing. Don't worry about it. You will do better by waiting patiently until he realizes what a mistake he has made. It is useless to try to reason with waywards.

Ah well. I just get so impatient sometimes.

Yes this stuff is so difficult. When I first got here, I didn't think I could make it another week.

Work on yourself first, and making a nice life. That way hopefully your husband will join you, and the two of you will have good things together. And if he doesn't, your life will be fine without him.

This is a personal question, and don't answer if it is none of our business, but have the two of you chosen not to have any children?

No Believer.

WH and I were going to start a family. We just wanted to do all of the things we could while still young. Actually, I just found out the other day, WH had been talking to our friends (as he always did when I was not around) about how we were going to settle down and start our family. With him turning 30, he felt ready to do that.

Here come the tears.

I have an email saved from him that he sent one year ago. Telling me how much he loves me, and how he cannot wait for us to be a complete family.

I just don't understand any of this. He was ALWAYS so proud to talk about us and our future together. I am not making this up. Our friends are in such disbelief... as was I.

Holy trigger. I miss him so much.

Good. You were doing things the right way. I was just wondering if there was disagreement over having kids.

He'll be back, so don't fret too much.

I have not cried in days. Now, I cannot stop.

I know crying is good for the soul. Cleanses you. Sadly, I needed this. I think I was being a little too cautious and strong.

Sometimes, you just have to let go. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/teary.gif" alt="" />

Anyway, no, no disagreements. Actually, when this all happened, I was also dealing with the fact that I thought I was pregnant. WH does not know about this. I told him in my journal. It wasn't until last week I was able to confirm.

Part of me was so disappointed. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Sorry you are sad. I remember the crying part. I cried so many tears, I didn't think I had anymore.... I promise you it does get better.

Don't worry about it. Like I said... crying is good for the soul. Cleanses. And mine needed it.

It had been awhile.

I was just on the phone with my mom. She did her best to tip toe around the topic of WH.

But, she did eventually ask if I had spoken to him.

I told her that I actually saw him yesterday. I think that was all she needed to know, because she changed the subject.

Not sure if she is happy about it, or not?

She loves him, so I know it bugs her to no end. She was proud of her "son" and despite her anger towards him, she has been the one to say, "Don't do anything in haste. Make sure. etc." She tried to get my dad there as well, but, he is stubborn. And, furious.

I'm glad Mom let it go though. I don't think I could talk more about him with her. Makes me uncomfortable.

NWTT:

Why does discussing WH with your Mom make you "Uncomfortable"

Does Mom/Dad want you to DUMP HIM?

Time to change the interactions with your parents.

You are doing things that seem counter-intuitive to what others who are not directly involved think you should do. You should "Just give up, he's gone", or "Look, he said it was over, accept it"

Time to change that dynamic.

Tell them what you are trying to do. You are trying to save your M. You have looked inside yourself and decided to change some things about myself, and I really, really Love my H, and although he has made some bad choices, I believe in him and want to return him to our home and M. If this M is to end, it will end because My H has decided not to, not because I haven't tried. My plan is....

Your Parents can't "Fix" this. But they can support you in your efforts. Understand the difference? Support is not saying "give Up" but listening to you when you need a shoulder.

And you are doing the right things. Your WH has noticed. Making his choices uncomfortable is your job as the BS. You do not have to do this forever, but you need to fight this as long as you can.

(((NWTT)))

LG

Thanks LG.

I've always been very uncomfortable talking with my parents about things. I have a lot of resentment with my mom (and dad) based on her life choices (mainly her drinking)

Primarily, the only time she calls (or you can get ahold of her) is after she has been drinking a bit. She had a rough time and drowns her sorrows in the bottle. Unfortunately, nothing we say has any impact. She has to make the decision for herself.

I did have a long conversation with my mom one night about WH and my marriage. She told me then that we need to take things slowly (one day at a time) and not make decisions in haste. Which, I agreed with readily. But, then in her next breath, she said to me that because WH said it is over, I should just accept this. I took this opportunity to send her to this site to read the basics (a few weeks back... I had been in the process of reading then as well) but I don't know if she did.

As far as my father goes... well, he is very hot headed, and I did talk to him about saving my marriage, and instead of being supportive, I was yelled at for even giving it a second thought. Then, he proceeded to call my WH every name in the book. I stood up, and walked out of my parents home that day, and did not speak to my father for a few weeks.

Based on these reactions to my situation, I am very uncomfortable speaking to them. I read about people who can talk to their parents and inlaws about the current situation and it makes me sad. I have an aunt that I can speak with, and she is very supportive of me, but it is hard because the rest of the family views her as being "crazy" and when I have mentioned speaking to her, have been told as much.

I love my parents. But, I cannot rely on them like I should. That is why I am uncomfortable with them.

Thanks LG. That is why I am here. The support I have received from all of you has made me feel like I can do anything.

(hence the name nwtt) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

NWTT:

Talk to the Aunt.

She's Crazy? She may be the only one who understands.

Too bad that your parents are not more understanding....

We can't fix them, we can only fix us...

LG

LG

You can say that again.

I had lunch delivered to WH today. Even funnier was when someone called the restaurant today from WH's work. I saw the number and thought, "Oh Boy" but, it was not him.

I miss my afternoon phone calls from him. Made my day go by a bit quicker.

It will be a couple of days now (Sunday) before I email WH. I will do as you suggested and mention a meal I am making (which I will just have to make) Is it okay to ask WH about things he has been doing (ie. hobbies, softball, etc?) I obviously don't want to ask about things that the OW is involved in. Or, should I just mention things I have done?

And there are a lot of us just reading with nothing to add to the conversation. If you take a look, you have a lot people reading your story and I would guess that nearly 100% are in your cornet.

Larry

Thank you Larry.

I took it to mean that I have been getting great advice from LG and Believer.

I really appreciate all of the support.

People are probably reading along, and will give input if they disagree. That is what I do, anyway.

Sounds like you are doing well. It is hard to discuss with friends and parents. My parents didn't understand the MB thing, even though I referred them here. My friends all told me I was CRAZY to put up with WH. But I have never regretted trying to save the marriage.

In fact, many of my friends later admired me for giving it a go.

Yes. It is really hard trying to explain to people that I am trying to save my marriage.

I really get frustrated with people who try to talk me out of having my hopes up.

I believe he will come back to me. All of my focus is on that and the fact that he will be back because he sees me and wants to be with me. That I am what he wants.

Is that wrong?

No, that is the way it is supposed to be. People are not disposable, and marriages are not disposable.

It will take some time, but I'm sure the affair will end, and he will return. Odds are way in your favor.

The OW is meeting some of his needs right now, but does not have the history that the two of you do. She won't be able to last long term, and then he will be thinking of you.

I truly hope so.

I cannot imagine going through life without him. He really is my everything. I think what I am missing most is my friendship with him. Laughing together, teasing each other, just enjoying his company.

It has made it hard because we pretty much went about our lives as one person... and now we are two people struggling to get back.

It's really hard feeling so awkward with him. Sort of reminds me of teh day I met him... only he wasn't so grouchy then.