WS slip ups.

I was talking to my girlfriend tonight. She has had limited contact with WH and has led him to believe we only casually speak... so as not to lose him to the dreaded friend throwaway bin WH has created.

She told me that a month and a half ago, WH had been at her house and told herself and her husband that we had decided we were going to work on our marriage. Maybe he should have let me in on this detail? Might have helped to have known what my plans were...

She also told me that WH had stopped by her ball practice one day about three weeks ago. The OW was there, and during the course of the conversation, WH referred to her by MY name three times. She, did not seem to react much... until the third time when she turned around in a huff.

It has to be close.

Well, I am about half way through SAA. Gonna get it finished up today hopefully then on to HNHN.

Any comments on my above post? I found it kinda funny.

I dunno? Maybe it is just me, but I feel way too calm right now.

Shouldn't I be more upset? Is this normal?

Just needed to ask. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

You are just on the normal roller coaster ride. Strap yourself in tight. There will be many more twists and turns and ups and downs.

Reading the books is very good. Then you will be able to internalize the information and it will become like second nature.

Just keep making a good life, so that YOU will be fine, with or WITHOUT him.

NWTT:

My turn to chime in...


You wrote:

"I think reality hit him when I walked in that door. And, when he saw the rings on my finger."

Yes, it does.

So go back and see him. Be polite. YOUR HIS WIFE. Go see him at work.

Send him an email. Light, breezy, what's going on.

Ignore the Lawyer letter. Let the lawyer send you some more. File it as needed.

IF you are making it uncomfortable for him, let him file a restraining order. Do you think that is happening?

Talk to his family, if you want. Light and breezy, let them know you are still alive. Still married. He wants to change that, he can.

Sorry, the rings are yours. Not his. He gave them to you. When the D is final, you might want to mail them back to him, or donate them to charity(A better bet) Or he can buy them from you.

He's the one avoiding you.

Don't be pushy, just persistant.

Can you go watch a ball game? Sure, you were part of the league in the past? Some are your friends as well, right? So, go.

Write info in a journal, what you did, and why, so that you have a record of various days. So, if he wants to claim you stalked him, you have other info. And if you were pleasant to his Boss, and just wanted to drop off lunch, and if WH reacts badly, then who looks stupid? Not you. Aplogize for his bad behavior and leave with a smile on your face.

And your convo with the friend:

"She told me that a month and a half ago, WH had been at her house and told herself and her husband that we had decided we were going to work on our marriage. Maybe he should have let me in on this detail?"

He's trying not to look like the bad guy. Your friends were not supporting him, so, he's says "We are working it out!" Lies. Leave it at that.

Let your friends know to respond to that next time: "Oh, when are you getting together with her again to talk? How did it go the last time?"

Remember, he is in the FOG and wants to avoid you. It's easier for him that way. So, don't make it easy.

(((NWTT))

LG

NWT,

LG is giving you some great advice!

Do it! Do it for YOU. I promise you it will make YOU feel good. I know I felt better!

The more people saw ME, heard my TRUTH, the more the WH tried to HIDE or avoid me. He did not want to face reality.

Your presence, your truth, light and breezy, spreading the reality around is a good thing,,,especially if he is unhappy about it.

LG is right, he does not want to be seen as 'the bad guy' even though he knows he is

Thank you all.

But, he has already done so many things to make me look like the bad guy.

He's doing what he can to make it look like I am crazy and it has gotten back to MY job.

People are hearing my truth... but going to his job or his games is only going to force a scene, and I cannot do that. If I keep showing up, they will think I am stalking him.

He's already got his family hating me.

I can mention to my friend that they should ask how things are going with us getting back together. Put him on the spot... but I cannot harass him because it will only make things worse for me.

When I am out, and people ask how I am, I tell them that I am doing what I can for my marriage because I love my H. I have made that abundantly clear.

I just think if I continue to bug him it will only make things worse.

He obviously hasn't forgotten me (ie. the calling her my name...)

Can anyone help me? Please?

LG gives good advice. But you know what? No matter what you do or don't do, chances are that the affair will end and he will want to come back. It is good to do a Plan A, so that they know that they have a chance to come back, but when they are deep in the affair, I don't think it makes much difference.

I would concentrate on making a good life. I'm sure you haven't seen the last of him.

That is what I thought. I was worried that if I continued to push, it would only drive him deeper into the affair. He is trying t oavoid me, so pushing would only drive him further away.

Does that make sense?

I asked my friend to do that for me.

(would it be wrong if they asked in front of the OW?) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> Just a little humour <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

My sister ran into my mother in law last night. She acted like she was my sister's best friend. (although, she had always been like that with both of us)

Anyway, MIL said that she was shocked about what happened. And, my sister said to her that I "have been so busy with her friends that I never see her anymore."

I say, "Way to go sis!!!" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

(although, it is true... I haven't seen my sister much in about a month and a half)

NWTT:

What do YOU want to DO?

Then do THAT.

Because if you do what your WH keeps asking you to do, then you will do THAT.

SO DO what you want to do.

Which, I believe, in your particular case, is PLAN A.

STOP LISTENING TO HIM. HE WANTS YOU TO STOP. It makes it easier for him if you DO.

HE wants to file an R/O? LET HIM.

Read LilSis's orginal thread. She Slapped her OW, and her WH let her sit in jail for 2 days. And then let his OW continue charges that resulted in her picking up a conviction. Her WH COULD have stopped most of this at any time. It just proved what kind of slime he really is turning out to be.

So. Walk away. Or START TO FIGHT!

OK?

Change the rules of the game. Change them to your RULES. Not his.

Either that, or your M before this A was a complete sham. And let him go. Quit trying to save something that didn't exist.

PLAN A helps you with that process as well.

LG

WH wants nothing to do with me

LG says to ignore him

what do I do?

without reading ~anything~ but the title of this thread

LG is correct

unless you want to [b]annoy/irritate/pester WH ....
if ~that~ is the case

feel free to contact/call/drop in unannounced

Okay. But, my question to you is...

Yes. I can email him. Yes. I can call him. But, if I continue to show up at his work, I WILL be kicked out of there. I WILL have an R/O put on me.

How can me looking crazy and completely justifying WH's claims going to help people see?

Plan A is about ME, isn't it? About ME becoming a better person.

As far as "saving something that didn't exist..." My marriage was golden. We spent everyday and night together. My best friend in the whole world... who told me every day that he loved me more than anything!

This is not made up.

I just finished reading SAA. Now, the last pages say that It is possible to love two people... depending on how the Love Bank sits. I can't tell you what she did to make him feel that way for her. But, I can tell you that he left our home because he KNEW he could not hide it. He KNEW I would find out.

My marriage is far from a SHAM! It never was.

But, when I have some telling me less is more, and you telling me that I am not doing enough, I am starting to feel sick. That sick feeling I have not had in well over a month.

Pushing him into her arms is NOT what will save my marriage. So, I am asking how to make THAT happen.

Pep. I have been sent a letter from my WH's lawyer saying that I am to not contact him, nor attend his work. I have basically been threatened.

WH is living with OW.

leave them alone

work on your personal recovery

So many opinions...... And I am DIVORCED, so take mine with a grain of salt. The problem I had is that the nicer I was, the nastier WH was. His plan was to COMPLETELY avoid me. I continued being very pleasant to him.

However, as he continued acting like an entitled [censored], I started losing my feelings for him.

That is why I sometimes think Frank Pittman is right when he advises the BS to go do something else, and wait out the affair.

Plan A is great when the WS is still in contact with the BS, but when they completely disappear, it looks kind of fake. And finding something to admire about the WS is IMPOSSIBLE.

I don't know, NWTT, like LG says, you are going to have to do what you think is best.

LG has told me to continue to contact WH. So, I am kinda trying to figure out what to do.

Thank you for your opinion Pep.

Are you gonna violate a "back off" request?

Is it a court order or just a lawyer letter?