My FWW told me that the "long conversations" were actually a bit of a love-buster for her. How does your W feel after those conversations? Do you think she's in a better or worse mood? What kind of mood do you expect her to be in if you were depositing those love units instead of withdrawing them?



My FWW listed her top need as Conversation, but soon changed it to Admiration, when it became apparent that it was not just their conversation that was attracting her to the OM - it was the impression that the OM gave that he held her in very high regard.

So, it's all about how she feels after you meet what you think is one of her needs. So, how do you think your WW feels after one of those talks?

BTW - becoming your WW's "punching bag", or "doormat" as it's referred to here is NOT Plan A. It's Plan Appeasement, which can result in your WW losing respect for you, which in turn damages your relationship even further.

Hmmm.


Yep, the long talks always leave her feeling angry and in a worse mood, but I am thinking they are necessary from time to time so I am not just a door mat.

I'm trying to establish boundaries. I'm trying to 'plant seeds' for her to think about, because she's not talking to anyone else except the OM. I do not want to appear to be appeasing her behavior. I have told her that her actions and behavior were wrong, inappropriate, and destructive.

I've told her that I expect her to stop seeing and talking to the OM; to read "His Needs, Her Needs"; to start talking to me; and to see a psychiatrist either with me or by herself. Unfortunately, these became demands on my part that were further love busters. I know that. I also have to talk to her about the kids, but even those talks seem to leave her feeling worse and angry.

I'm wrestling a bit with her secrecy. She left yesterday (Saturday) morning at 8:30 for over two hours and refused to tell me what she was doing. I told her that her secrecy was very disrepectful of me and is a complete disregard of my feelings. I further said that secrecy invited me to assume the worse. How should I handle this?

Help: Question: When my wife is secretive, I've been asking her, 'what are doing? Please don't be secretive.' I feel like this is a love-buster, but I want to shine light on any deception. Am I doing the right thing?

Selfish demands are love-busters. Thoughtful requests are not.

I don't think a request to not be secretive can be considered as a love-buster. I suggest phrasing things in terms of positives instead of negatives though, e.g. "I'd prefer that you be a bit more open about ..." rather than " I'd prefer if you're not so secretive about...".

Bear in mind though that you're dealing with a WW, and she's likely not to pay much consideration to your needs at the moment. It's all about her needs now.

I think I have been following Plan A pretty carefully. I think I have made the home life pretty comfortable. My WW has even said this to me. She has even commented on how the children have noticed the changes.

It just isn't getting better.

My wife has been interviewing attorneys and I think I'm about to get papers.

It's so difficult.

My thread has moved and is continuing over here:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...&PHPSESSID=

Wife filed for divorce against me 5/30/07.