Patience is A Virtue!
Patience is A Virtue!

I have not read for quite awhile here. I will pull up some things this morning and come up with a plan. Have not called Steve H...will check into that also.

Last night went well. I made a nice dinner and we just relaxed. He had a few errands to run last night that he forgot to take care of and said come on lets go...a change for him...often would want to go by himself.

It is a rainy day here in Alabama. We are in a drought...eighteen inches short for the year!

Will write back after I study!
Mish

Hi Mishes,

Orchid has some super advice. Please let us know your plans so we can help you refine them and follow/adjust as needed.

Well.........they can help....I'm your resident encourager and cheerleader/bumper girl.

Triggers will take time. His withdrawal will take patience. When I was separated for 4 weeks from my H only 4 months after D-Day #4, he started calling me in advance when he knew he would be away from his phone or unable to answer it. It helped immensely.

Now, I seldom wonder "Is he on the phone with OW, or are they having phone sex".....very seldom, actually....hasn't happened since I was gone.

Ask your H to help you with phone/voice mail triggers. Just hearing my H call and apologize immediately after he realized he could not answer his phone, (whether I had called or not) helped my phone triggers diminish tremendously because it helped re-build my trust.

SAY THIS "I will never be able to give my H blind trust ever again."

Yes you can rebuild trust as he earns it, but never blindly. To do so would probably lead to another D-Day since he will be in withdrawal for a while.

Keep us posted and tell us your plan (or let Orchid and others help you create one after you do the research.)

I'm still praying for you. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Ace

PS Yes you are very fortunate you discovered things the way you did. But do NOT take things forgranted.

At this point I cannot afford a session with SH...185 a session is out of my budget..even if I manipulated money/finances around this month..it is not possible.

I will never trust anyone blindly again..too much has happened this past year. It's funny in my thirties things were really good and you are pulling your life together (I was a late bloomer so it came a little late for me) It felt so good to reach a point where I was able to feel pride in myself and ability to financially support myself and children. I said that forty was really great because you have the confidence you wish you had in your late twenties early thirties. Now at 44 with all that has happened it is like you enter a new phase of yourself. Does that make sense? You have the confidence, but you also have the scars of living life...the trick is to get through this time frame without being too bitter, or pessimistic. The bitter is easy to get over but th pessimim can be a battle. I dont look for the bad, I dont believe I deserve the bad, but at the same time life gives us so many trials to get through it is a wonder any of us survive. To trust blindly again would only be another form of denial on my part...I cannot do that anymore yet I am an expert at that and supressing my thoughts and feelings. I feel myself growing as a person through all of this and being stronger. I wonder if I would feel this way if ws decided not to come home?

Not sure about a plan yet. I read the article regarding surviving infidelity...lovebusters, meeting emotional needs etc., but how do I come up with a "plan?"

Our anniversary is next Tuesday. I do not want to be the one to make the plans...I want him to figure it out and do something. I believe the celebration is the fact that we are together and have decided to work through this. I have these fantasies of what I "wish" he would say or do on this day...I am trying to be realistic..do not want to set myself up for a disappoitment. I plan to buy him a small gift. He said at one point in one of our mc sessions that one of the things he missed about me was the little things that I would do like have a candy dish full on his desk. I plan to buy him an inexpensive but nice Harley Davidson cany dish type item and fill it with choclate kisses.

He is doing so much better than he did before he moved out. I do see effort on his part...and he seems so much happier and more content. We'll see!

Mishes,

Do NOT let your guard down, no matter how often he invites you to go with him or when he seems happy.

Withdrawal bites. It is very deceiving.

Research other plans on this web site and figure out how/which ones apply to your sitch.

Do you know about boundaries?

Keep posting and asking questions often. Others like Orchid, with far more insight than me will chime in to help you.

I'm proud of you and continue to pray for you. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Ace

Things continue to go well. We go to the mc today...he will ask us what we want to work on today. The big issue of course is trust and I suppose that just takes loads and loads of time. Ws not so protective of cell phone anymore..that is a good sign. I wonder if he has heard from her...oldest son said that he saw her ride by our house last night. I suppose she is going through withdrawal as well...scarey..I hope she leaves him alone and vice versa.

Going to get my hair done this morning...lots of new gray appearing...I use to think it was from my teens ..ws now! I continue working on me...not just for him but for myself. It feels so good to feel so good. Back to work on Friday..I will be off weekends starting in August..too late to adjust schedule for July.

Anniversary is Tuesday..I know he knows this but has not really mentioned it other than the fact we agree to celebrate it. I have all kinds of fantasies of what I wish would happen..have read on anniversay site...I looked at anniv cards the other day...very hard to choose one that fits us this year..it only makes me depressed and tearful. I thought about writting or making my own card ..we'll see.

I have read about boundaries..actually I have pulled out my books again and have been reviewing some things. I do not want us to sink into old habbits. I will close for now..I am rambling.

Mish

Glad things are proceeding, Mish. What 'cautions' do you have in place?

Is H helping you by being transparent?

Keep posting, even if you feed it's rambling. Others will know how to help better if you do.

I'm praying for you.

Ace

Can you give me some examples of cautions..I know I need them but not sure ...

H is being transparent when I ask him things...I suppose. How can I really know that for sure? He seems as though he is honest but he does not volunteer any infomation ..only when I ask does he answer..and given the past who knows ..Will write more after mc session today.

Mish

Now What???

Went to the marraige counslors this afternoon. MC asked me how I felt, and commented on how much better I appeared..less stess looking etc. I said that I felt as though things were going really well and that I did feel five hundred percent better.

MC asked ws how he was feeling and ws said..well to telll the truth sometimes I feel as though I have moved back home too soon. He said everyone walks around like they are so glad we are back together, and everyone is happy around the house except me..he said that he feels sick to his stomach a lotand can't wait to go to bed at night. The mc asked him why he felt that way and he said that he was not sure. Immediately I felt my arms go numb and once again floored with disappoitment. I asked ws if he thought he was going through withdrawal from the ow and he said she has not contacted me, nor I her, but I do think about her from time to time and wonder how she is. the mc asked ws what he feared, was it the fear that what if this does not work out? He said it was. I asked him if it was that he was in love with the other woman and wanted to be with her and he said no...she probably would not even talk to me right now. I of course got upset, cried and said I could not believe we were doing this AGAIN...what did he want? He either wanted to work this out or he didn't! Do you just want a divorce or what? He said no, that he was just being honest with how he felt, not that he did not want to continue he just wanted to be honest with how he was feeling. He mentioned Memorial day and how I said I would run him through the mud..he said that made him think and he decided things were not so bad here at home and he came back. He said that he does love me and emphasized over and over he just wanted to let me know things were not perfect for him. Well I explained they are not perfect for me either it would take time for us both..but that the marriage is what I wanted. The mc asked my ws if he wanted it, if he wanted to grow old together, and he (ws) said yes. I am confused with these contradictory statements.

The mc and my husband both said they thought we had a really good session, and my ws said he felt much better, getting this off his chest. Isn't that awsome...he feels better..well thats what we want right? When we left the mc office ws walked me to my car, stopped me in the hall and said I am not giving up, I am committed, I just wanted to tell you how I am feeling. MC suggested we phone md, and request antianxiety medication...I think a ad would be better.

My feelings are:

Maybe this is part of the withdrawel, how do I make this easier on him, if that is what it is?

Second thought was the he(( with this, file for divorce.
Really not what I want.

Continue on, hopeing things will improve.
I told my ws after the meeting that things werent perfect when he decided to move back home, that it would take time. He agreed. How do I know if he is telling the truth, or just trying to prolong what he really wants to tell me because he does not want to see me cry.

Start thinning out the house, put it up for sale...if things work then great we buy new, or move. If not then we are that much closer to the division of property etc.

I once again am confused and scared...just when I think things are going ok, I run into a brick wall. How do you make someone fall in love with you again? I asked if the sex we have been having is because he felt obligated, or because he wanted it..he said he wanted to be with me.

WS came home last evening, and I was in the back yard. He came over kissed me, hugged me and said he was sorry if he hurt my feelings today. I thanked him for being honest with his feelings, and told him that I knew things would take time...he was not just going to come home and everything is hunky/dorey!

We took our daughter with us out to dinner, enjoyed each others company..or at least he acted like it. I feel the confidence I was feeling about our reconsiliation is going down...not sure how to handle all of this as I stated in mmy last post...is this withdrawel? I am going back to read up on it this morning.

I suggested this morning when we woke up that we put the house up for sale. He said that it would take a lot of work..I know this but I really do not want to get stuck in the house. If we put it up for sale no matter what happens we walk away clear from it. I did not say that to him I said that I love the house but had thought about selling. He said once we get a few things paid off the house payment won't be so much to deal with. Good, I thought ..he is thinking about the future ..

I feel unsure and scared again. I will not call ow but I wonder if he has contacted her...he says no but not sur if I can believe him...he has lied so much, and he is so good at it.

Help! What now!

Mishes,

Your WH is being honest with you about his feelings. He may want to save the M, but he may lack the faith right now. That's to be expected.

Let the MC sessions be a place of enlightenment. If he is honest with you, it is good to tell him that you appreciate it, and that you prefer honesty (if you do, of course). He is home, he is going to MC, he is showing honesty. No, you don't feel comfortable, but you shouldn't feel that way right now. Things are fresh, recovery is new. He has told you that he wants to save the M, go with that for now, and do that. When you are not in MC, try to do a pseudo Plan A; keep improving on you, and let him find his way back.

I am also in the throes of recovery, and it is slow. I may not be confident that we will recover, but I am confident that we will try. For me, it has been two years of major ups and downs and I think we both bottomed out and know that this is so very important. I feel triggered left and right now, and I am working on talking to WH about this. I am honest with him about it, but don't want to overwhelm him, so I'm working on it.

Get back to YOU, and he will follow. If you like to garden, invite him to help, or invite him to sit outside while you work on it. I know that PWC likes conversation, just as I do, and undivided attention, just as I do, so I know that coaxing him into a late night talk on the deck with a drink is a nice respit for us. Doesn't have to be serious talk, could be about nothing important at all, but it's connecting.

The best thing that I learned over the course of my Plan A and Plan B and the last two years is that I needed to reconnect with ME. I did and am still working on me. I am wiser, stronger, and happier than *I* have been in a long while. You can only control you.

Now, if you need your WH to be more transparent with his comings and goings, phone calls, emails, and bankroll, you must voice this. He's not clarivoyant, at least, as far as I know. You must ask for what you need.

Keep in mind, I am early in recovery, also, so don't think this is gospel, it's just MY experience. Hopefully, we can help each other.

Thanks Silentluciddity!

I am glad he is honest with me...I just did not expect it. I know things will not be perfect...we are working on it, and you are correct I can only control me.

Your wisdom helps.

Mish

Great insights, SL. Thanks for sharing.

Mishes, I agree that you should make it safe for your H to be honest. Even if it strains every muscle in your face, and all your brain cells simultaneously, don't bombard him when his withdrawal "fog" slips out.

I try to say something like "Thank you for sharing this. What can I do to help us get over this challenge?"

He may get angry and appear to give up. He also may get depressed and condescending.

It WILL HAPPEN. It has to happen in order to move to the next phase. If he does not feel he can share honestly with you, he will be more easily susceptible to succumbing to his desire to stay connected with the fantasy provided by OW.

It helps if she sabotages herself. My H's OW did not....she just tried to stay connected with WH when he got "withdrawal weakness" after all 3 d-Days. And then after NC hand-written letter was sent, through me.

You are doing great, Mishes. I have 3 suggestions...

1. Keep posting.

2. Keep asking questions.

3. Keep sharing whatever comes to mind; if you need to be 'corrected', others like Silentlucidity, will help you.

I am learning along with you, Mishes. We are all in this together. Keep going strong.

Ace

Please read the stages of grieving in my sign line. It may help you and him to know what you are about to go through.

Best to call Steve H for a full recovery plan.

All the best,
L.

Oh I think I am having an anxiety attach this morning! The stomach cramps my husband tlked about to the mc the other day are in me now...I feel short of breath, I want to feel better..things seemed to be going well then after our meeting with mc Thuresday I have been a wreck. I hide it, or try to, I try to shake it and gain the confidence I was feeling before Thuresday but inside I am turning inside out.

I went to work last night. Ws worked yesterday with our son, and when I was getting ready for work he mentioned that our daughter was at a friends. He had to run a quick errand (job related) and said he had no plans for the night. I called my daughter from work at her friends house and she said she was spending the night and that Daddy had broken down on his bike. That was a triggor...then I called him and he did not answer for severa minutes. When I got him he said yes he had broken down but fixed the bike and had just been riding around. I asked him where he was and he said up the street....I could hear the irritation in his voice knowing I was having a "moment" He said he was going home and to call him back. I did and I was honest and said that I am scared when I do not know where he is, that he has to build my trust..I explained that I felt insecure in the relationship again after thuresday and I needed his help also. I had told him earlier that day that I believed he was in withdrawel from ow and asked how I could help him/us get through it. He said that he understoodwhy I was upset but that it was irritating to him. The call ended on a positive note.

Part of me wants to call the ow and ask her if she has been contacted by my ws....she has told me the truth I believe more so than he has. I want to talk with him about trust, boundries, but with him in withdrawal I am not sure it is a good time.

He is home, that is good. Things were going well..how do I get myself back on track? It is so hard sometimes to be the one who has to stay on track.....a few weeks ago when he moved back home he was saying nice things and apologizing for the he(( he put me through ..I just knew the nightmare was over..we were going to make it. I am so scared again!

Anniversary is Tuesday...can I just delete that day> It use to be one of my happiest all year.I want to maintain a cheerful plan A disposition but I am so insecure after the other day. Help!!

Mishes,

Can you take vacation or sick leave on weekends, at least?

Did you read Orchid's link to grieving?

Are you able to call Steve H to seek a plan to endure withdrawal and begin a recovery?

This infidelity rollercoaster sucks, I know, but be thankful you have this forum and other resources on MB.

I'm praying for you.

Ace

Oh I am thankful...very thankful..again this is such a life line for me.

I cannot take any leave right now. I am on a weekend contract. I will be off weekends at the end of July. WS insisted (made me smile) thinks us working the same type schedule would be good..that way we have weekends together. Schedule cannot be changed at work though until the end of July. WS is ok with this.

He is up now and things seem to be going ok so far today. Feel a little better...more later

Checkin' in on ya, Mishes.

What's up?

Ace

Physically Present and Accounted For!

Had a nice evening last night. We did not do anything in particular but it was pleasant. We were "together" this morning, and he did wish me a happy anniversary. We'll see how the day progresses.

Any ideas?

Relax and enjoy the day.

Happy Anniversary!!!

Aloha,
L.

I am so glad my anniversary is over.

I gave my ws a candy dish, he gave me a lovely card. I asked him if we could talk about how he felt things were going he said are you sure you want to get into this? I replied yes I would like to know how you are feeling about things. He said that he was comfortable being back home, but had spent a lot of time thinking about the other woman. He said that he knows how much she must be hurt, and that he does still love her. I asked him if he thought in time he was going to be able to get over her..his reply was "that's the plan." I asked him if he thought he could be happy here, his reply was content. Things have been going pretty well over all but I have noticed he has started to withdraw somewhat..this is why I thought it was important to discuss some of this..I told him this..that it is to give him an opportunity to talk about things and get them out. I mentioned how I noticed he was not as excited about our reconcilliation he said that he thought thins would come around quicker. We talked about divorce, he thinks sometimes we should do it to begin the healing process for everyone. Of course I cried, not hysterically and he said no matter what that someone was going to get hurt. He said if he could go back he never would have allowed this to happen, but that it had. He said he feels a responsibility to his childre, the finances and me. He does not want his children to hate him, or for m to. I explained that the kids would not hate him, but they would forever be different...it would never be the same but that I would encourage the relationship..I do not want to keep them from their father I know he loves them..it is about us not them.

The conversation ended when our children came home from their friends homes. I thanked him for being so open and honest with me, and told him that I already knew most of what he told me, and although it hurt its better than being lied to and deceived..he said he does not want to do that anymore. We went to bed and he wrapped his arms around me as I was going to sleep.

This morning I woke up got our coffee and we went on the back porch to check the pool etc. I asked him ifhe wanted to go out to dinner tonite (we got a certificate for dinner) and he said yes, that if we waited until sun down that we could take the bike. I said so are we just moving forward? His reply was yes. I asked him to take off his sunglasses so I could see his eyes he did and replied yes again, gave me a kiss I wished him a good day and that was that.

I am hopeing that talking like we did will make him feel safe and get some of this out. I am hopeing that with a little more time he will get over her...does this still sound like withdrawal to you? Or does it sound like he is ready to divorce...he said over and over last night why did you have to bring this all up? Why did we have to talk about this?

I read a post this morning about loving someone vs. being in love with someone...I printed some of the replies and thought I would email them or read them to him.