Just to give you a brief outline. My WW told me of her feelings for someone else back in March and since then I have never been able to get any real answers from her other than "you don't understand how I feel for OM". Short of it is that, I've done nothing wrong by her admission and we always had a wonderful life and never had any problems in our relationship.

I have now moved out and in Plan B because she was threatening to leave with the kids and I want to limit the damage to them as little as possible.

What I can't seem to understand is that if everything was ok why then, when the only problem we have she fails to even look at our marriage in the slightest.

So some questions

Did you feel that OM was your soulmate?

Was it easy to move from EA into PA?

Did you ever think about your husband during your affair?

If so did it make you feel guilty?

How long before your decided the affair should end?

Who ended the affair?

When the affair ended did you consider saying single?

If so why did you go back to your husband?

My own thoughts are that my wife started her affair unintentionally. I think she got caught up in her feelings and once she got so far it was easier to carry on than turn back.

Probably have some more questions to follow as I can't understand anything and I'm hoping to understand more by reading what people have done in similar situations.

Cheers
Chris

Chris, trying to understand the fogged out mind of a wayward spouse is not going to help you save your marriage. You should liken your wife to a falling down drunk and proceed from that premise. She is an addict who has lost her mind. You don't need to understand the mind of a falling down drunk to stop him from destructive activities.

The most effective thing you can do to save your marriage is move home. It is a huge mistake to leave. You cannot save your marriage by leaving. You only ENABLE the affair. By leaving, you give her and the OM to CEMENT the affair and leave your children vulnerable. They need you now more than ever.

Are you familiar with Plan A and Marriage Builders principles?

I've tried Plan A and she won't let me meet her EN and she won't discuss them. I've exposed her affair and had OM moved from her work.

I know she can only see OM when I have the kids and have warned her that if he comes to the house I will move back in.

My solicitor has already told me that if she or I file. for divorce then she will get the house and the kids and we won't be able to sell the house until the kids have left home and until then I have an obligation to provide for them whether I'm there or not.

If she moves out with the kids she has grounds for divorce for unreasonable behavior.

I'm stuffed whatever I do. The laws in UK are only interested in the children and whoever is their carer and she wins again regardless of her affair.

In other words she makes her bed but I lie in it.

This way I hope to get through to her better side, when I can find it.

What happens if you move home, quit your job, and become "co" caretaker?

Ask your legal counsel.

I would suggest that you move back home. In Plan A, you usually CAN'T meet your spouse's needs, you have to simply show them your best side, and that means eliminating lovebusters. They usually won't ALLOW you to meet their needs because they are detached, and not living in your own home only INCREASES that detachment.

I will just state again, it is a huge mistake to move out. You can't work on your marriage if you aren't there and it only ENABLES the affair. Moving out only INCREASES the risk of divorce.

In the US, moving out is often viewed as ABANDONMENT by many courts and harms your chances in any future divorce action. I am baffled that you actually moved out of your house and can't understand WHY you would do this.

A woman would NEVER leave her home and children to give her H the freedom to carry on an affair. Why would a man?

Agree with ML.

Part of the problem is a very EMBOLDENED WS who believes that you are hamstrung and that there are no decisions you can make independently which affect her ability to continue unhindered or position of strength custody wise.

Find ways to challenge that belief and you find inroads to recovery.

If I quit my job I get nothing. I am legally bound to pay the mortgage on the house and if I don't the house can be repossed and I wont get any benefits from the government. I'm not entitle to local housing as I have my own property if she left she would become a priority case but only if she took the kids.

I asked my solicitor the other day "what I can do to have sole custody" and the answer is very little. Its a costly battle with a bleak outlook. Over 90% of cases the women win regardless.

Chris, can you explain why you would leave your own home and children to accommodate your wife's affair? Is it good for your children to lose their father so their mother can carry on a sleazy affair?

THIS is one prime example of WHY I am so passionate about keeping affairs from becoming socially acceptable.

This is the result of social acceptance.

The abusor has a win/win and the victim has a lose/lose.

The court willnot recognise either her abuse of you OR the children however she has free reign to have YOU removed for objecting to her abuse [and still demand checks from you as well].

It is ABSURD and completely ridiculous on top of being unjust.

I read "surviving an affair" and after I was unable to meet her EN moved to Plan B avoiding all contact until the affair is over. If you have read the book you will know that in the case of John and Sue he had to move out.

I have booked a appointment with the Harley's for next week so I'll have to see if I've made the right move.

With regards to her affair it was happening whether I was there or not. She would meet him at work until he was removed. She would phone him when I was at work and more so when I was working nights. She now has to pay me so I can pay for the property I'm renting so she will be financial tied. She also has to do more with the kids as I'm not there to pick them up as I did and no one else is helping her. Her affair is still limited but she now can't see what I earn as I've removed her from our joint accounts. He lives with his parents and if she moved out he would be over in a flash to wherever she lived spending even more time together. The best thing is that he now works nights so even when she is free she still may not be able to see him.

With regards to my kids I speak to them everyday and they know why I moved and understand that I've done nothing wrong.

Chris, Plan B is supposed to come after Plan A. Going into Plan B before you do Plan A is to throw her into the arms of the OM. It is pretty hard to conduct Plan A when you arent' there. Moving out is a dreadful mistake that only enables the affair and increases the risk of divorce. You can't work on the marriage if you aren't there. Moving out leaves her very free to carry on her affair.

There is absolutely no legitimate reason to move out. Waywards [mostly women] often threaten to "leave with the kids" to manipulate the man [I say men, because no woman ever falls for this] into getting out so they carry on their affair in peace. But they never carry through on that threat because women are much less likely to leave their safe home. And even if she did, you could prevent her from taking your kids. Believe me, with you gone, she is free to carry on her affair from the safety of YOUR HOME. You can't stop her.

Even in the event of Plan B, which you are nowhere close to, it is normally the WS who leaves his home, not the BS.

If you want to save your marriage, your best strategy is to move home, Chris.

I would disagree that you've done nothing wrong. You have moved out to accommodate their mother's affair. Their mother has lost her mind and their father is not there to protect them. You are the only one they have right now and you have MOVED OUT. WHY?

What "unreasonable behaviour" is your lawyer referring to? Have you behaved unreasonably towards your WW? You're in the UK, right? Didn't your lawyer tell you that you can sue for D on the grounds of adultery? And you'd likely have a much stronger case than your WW because there's clear evidence of that?

I agree with Melody - move back home. Don't enable your WW's adulterous behaviour. If she wants to move out with the kids, talk to your lawyer about how you can made it difficult to do so.

Do you think the kids would actually want to move out with her?

In any case, whether or not the kids go with her, her moving out may be enough to break her out of the A-bubble that she's currently in.

Questions for Melodylane and ManinMotion

How long had your WS been having their Affairs and how long were you in Plan A and did either of you move to Plan B

Chris

Chris, I never did Plan A or Plan B. My H's affair ended the day I discovered it because of exposure and confrontation.

My wife says that she has to want to go to counselor or work at the marriage and until she gets to that point I feel as if I m putting demands on her, which have been seen as LB's

So, do you plan to go home and fight for you marriage?

Or do you plan to complain and watch it waste away?

I do plan to go back home but after I've spoken to the Harley's I have spoken to my boys and they both want me to come home and understand that their mother will get really upset.

Everything has happened so quickly I struggle to deal with all the emotions. I hope the Harley's can give me a plan to follow, as I seem to be switching between A and B at the moment. Everyone else seems to follow their plans ok except me.

Chris, but will you even follow the Harleys advice? They developed the Plans and I have yet to see you use even one of them. You aren't using Plan A and you aren't using Plan B. It seems as if your main goal is not to save your marriage, but to avoid making your wife mad at you. That tactic will not save your marriage, it will destroy it.

Are you afraid of your wife? Is she bigger than you?