I forgot: keep the landline & mobile in your name & register for online billing. It's not quite real time - but it's close. You can also review the last 6 months bills.

b.p.m.

Chris, it will probably be a cumulation of several things that will stop the affair. Moving home is only a small part of that. Being in your house will make it harder for her to conduct her affair. You will have a much better chance of stopping her affair if you are home, than if you are GONE. Being GONE only enables her affair.

Secondly, THERE IS NO REASON TO LEAVE YOUR HOME IN THE FIRST PLACE. You cannot work on your marriage if you are not there.

WHY DID YOU MOVE OUT?

Yes, I have children.

I had an EA.

Before it went to a PA, I found MB.

I wrote a NC letter and told my H.

So, my situation is a little bit different from yours.

But, I will tell you this, I am 100% convinced that the way to save your M isn't by moving out.

You need to be there to make the A less fun. Less sexy. You need to remind her that she IS still married to you. And that what she is doing is wrong!

You need to be there for your children and demonstrate to your WW that she is worth fighting for. That your family is worth fighting for.

Her OM lives w/ his mommy? What a loser! You are a FAR better man than he is!

So chin up!

Go back home.

Ignore her words! She will use them to lash out at you b/c she doesn't want you to interfer w/ her A.

Expect her wrath!

Find yourself a montra," We're married. I intend on keeping my vows to you. That's why I'm here."

Repeat as often as necessary!

Keep posting here!

There are so many good folks here that will help you every step of the way.

You can do this!

You wiil make it!

~ Marsh

Great post, Marsh!

Chris, moving home will also show that you really do mean to save your marriage. Moving out like you did sends the opposite message. It also sends the very dangerous message that you are easily manipulated and emboldens her. You don't want to embolden someone whose goal is to destroy your marriage and your childrens family.

That is called contributing to your own demise.

Hi Bullet,

Were you not told that your wife would get the house and the kids. They told me she would keep it until the kids were 18 they are 7 and 8 at the moment.

I was worried that if I stayed she would file for divorce so I moved out hoping she would be more compassionate knowing I'm living in a 1 bedroom house and maybe give me more than I would from the courts.

Thanks for all your posts and support. I can't explain how much this means to me. I moving back tomorrow after work. Getting some of my stuff together tonight and will be waiting to see the surprise on her face tomorrow when she gets in from work.

I'll keep you posted.

Chris

This is very unrealistic and reveals a basic lack of understanding of the mindset of a wayward spouse. She can be expected to be SELFISH, not "compassionate." "Hope" is not a plan, Chris.


So, you are vacating your own home becasue you heard of some guy on the internet who, in a divorce action, was told his W would get the house?

Chris, you are just as foggy as the run of the mill WS we see around here. It seems that you are searching for reasons to bolster your PRE-EMPTIVE SURRENDER.

BRAVO!!!!!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Wooooo Hooooo!!!

Once the surprise look fades, she'll turn into a demon from the underworld capable of spitting fire and burning down buildings with her eyes. You'll think, 'Oh no, I made a mistake doing this!', but this is normal. It's what happens when you interfer w/ an A.

Expect it. But, ignore it!

~ Marsh

Chris, when you go home, be prepared to encounter FURY. She will be furious that you DARED to interfere with her affair so it will be for the RIGHT REASONS. Do not try to reason with her and don't allow her to bait you into a fight. Tell her CALMLY that you "live here and have no intentions of going anywhere. You are home to work on your marriage and be with your sons." <SMILE>

And move back into your OWN ROOM. If she does not want to sleep with you, she can sleep on the floor or the couch. There is absolutely no reason you should not sleep in your bed.

Right then, I've backed some of my stuff, enough to last a couple of days. I'll get the rest when she is at work on Wednesday. Roll on tomorrow. I'm shaking writing this. The fight is about to begin and the battle line have been drawn.

Chris, stand up to infidelity and you will be transformed from a SERF into a KNIGHT. BE STRONG, BE BRAVE, my friend! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me. Philippians 4:13

You've done the right thing moving back - she'll give you ****** & threaten you with injunctions/divorce/etc - it's unlikely that she'll go through with any of her threats (these things take time & sustained concentration, WS's are not reknowned for this trait). Roll with the punches & don't retaliate; practice reverse babble - it protects you & befuddles her.

No I was not told that she'd get the house & kids, not at all: I told her that I'd keep the house after buying out her half of the equity & we'd have shared & equal custody of the kids NB. fight for this - tooth & nail - shared & equal custody is your right, & a pathway to not getting shat upon as you'd have the same rights as her. She balked at that claiming that, as the mother, she'd get the kids; I replied as the adulterer (oh how she hates that word) she'd struggle (which may or may not be the case) & as I'd a far better credit rating I could fund a nasty lawyer for longer than she could. There was a bit of bluff, but not that much.

Keep us informed.

b.p.m.

[quote fight for this - tooth & nail - shared & equal custody is your right, & a pathway to not getting shat upon as you'd have the same rights as her. She balked at that claiming that, as the mother, she'd get the kids; I replied as the adulterer (oh how she hates that word) she'd struggle (which may or may not be the case) & as I'd a far better credit rating I could fund a nasty lawyer for longer than she could. There was a bit of bluff, but not that much.

[/quote]

Chris, this is exactly the right approach! you need to make it clear that you will not cooperate in any divorce scheme but will make it hard as he11 for her to do anything. Let her know you will be keeping hte house and the kids, citing adultery [and USE THAT WORD!] in the court action. Make her work very hard to screw you over; that will effectively take the wind right out of her sails and slow her down long enough to give you a chance to work on Plan A.

I have just thought of something. The phone my wife uses is my old phone and so is the one before it. So if I move all the numbers from her sim card to the phones and give her back the sim card she may have difficulty calling him.

Hi Chris1004,

This point:

"I have now moved out and in Plan B because she was threatening to leave with the kids and I want to limit the damage to them as little as possible."

A number of people said this is wrong. She'll be with the kids where ever she's at, so you moving out is only making it easier, not harder for her.

Think of it this way, if you're there at home, she has to pay for a place for her and the WS to go to (hotel or motel), because going to his parents house won't be a great option after his parents find out about the A.

Make the WS work hard during the A, while you sit back, relax and plan. Believe me, you still have time to plan and keep working on plan A. If she is still with you and hasn't started a filing for a D, then you still have time to fulfill ENs. No anger or demands, if you feel the need to express those, instead, just say you feel hurt by what's happened. There is nothing wrong with being honest about someone's actions being hurtful. If your WS loves you, and I'm sure she does deep down, she will start to feel guilt over it, and that can help pull her out of the fog. Don't dwell on discussions about the A though.

The WS and OP are under great stress (as are you) but you aren't the one causing it, they are. They will regret it the rest of their lives and they know it. Put them under the pressure of what they're doing by letting them solve it, don't relieve the pressure by solving it for them.

Your job is to work on the ENs, make no demands and turn off all anger. I know you said she won't accept ENs, they all say and act like that. You will see resistance at first, lots of rejection. She will claim you should move out, that she will, that you should get divorced, you shouldn't get divorced, and other statements anywhere from "I still love you" to "I don't feel anything for you". That's the fog.

You're in competition with a kid that lives with his parents. He does not have the investment of time you and her have together. He doesn't care about your kids, you, or possibly even your WS. It's possible that he doesn't care about anything more than keeping his parents happy so he doesn't get booted out. Your WS will eventually realize this. You have to keep fulfilling those ENs until she starts to make her way out of the fog and sees the A for what it really is.

Go home, get back to filling those ENs. ENs are not something you will get a pat on the back for or any encouragement at first.

Your WS is fighting a battle in her head to both keep you, and lose you, so she can keep and lose the OP. Doesn't make sense, does it? That's the fog they deal with each day while in the A, the balancing act to keep the M and A both alive. She can't make up her mind, or she would have already.

ENs take lots of time and you won't see results right away, you'll see rejection, periods of time when your W returns, then the WS, then the W... Continue to ignore the rejection and keep filling the ENs. Good luck.

God bless,
CS

Hi Chris,

Marsh asked me to post to you as your situation is very similar to mine. Maybe reading my story can give you some guidance for how do things right and wrong.

I left my house for two weeks then tried to go back home and my WW took off with the kids. I left again so she would come back, then after two more weeks I went back home for good. Again she ran off with the kdis, but when we went to court I got them back home with me.

I've been in a real plan A for about 5 months and I am deciding on what to do next and everyone here is encouraging me and giving me good advice on that next step.

Now I want to give back to you.

Great decision to go back home - make sure you stay there!

Listen to us here, vent your anger here to us and let us help you along the way. You will make it.

I echo what the others said - make her work for everything she wants, but you always tell her you only do marriage.

We are here for you brother. Press on!

*bump*

please let us know how it goes today.

Hi Eph and everyone else,

It just got a whole lot worse. I came back today at 4:30pm from work and she left with the kids at 6pm. Her mother came to pick her up. I tried to speak to her dad and ask him not to let her stay so we could work on things but that just fell on deaf ears.

When I came home she was here as the kids are off school this week. She said we can't stay under the same roof it will never work. We argued, more her than me I have to say. I said that this was my home and theirs and that I was coming home so we could work at our marriage. She told me "you don't get it I love someone else we are finished". She has said she is going to have us legally separated and she is staying here with the kids. Then the kids came in and I invited them in so we could ask them what they wanted. She hit the roof and said I shouldn't bring the kids into this. I replied by saying they aren't babies anymore and your decisions will effect them so we should ask them what they want.

They both said that they wanted us to stay together, but didn't want us to argue. I told the boys that their mother wasn't being honest with me and them and that she had already decided that she wasn't coming on holiday with us. She accused me of using the boys, but I still maintain they have a right to know. My boys know I've never let them down as I said it for years. I did speak to them on their own and reminded them that it wouldn't be easy if I came home and that there would be an argument. I've told them I will try and not argue with Mam but they must understand that if I or Mam aren't together then we can't work at it. I said that Mam had said that she needed to miss me but she can't miss me if she just goes and see someone else. I said that you wouldn't miss a dog if you went out and bought a new one and just left it on its own.

Eventually her mother came round and reluctantly came into the living room. She said that I just have to accept that its over and that I shouldn't bring the boys into it. I told her mother that she had been lying and when she said "you never gave me a chance to miss you" she was on the phone to him the same day. I said that I was willing to forgive her and that it will be difficult trying to work things out. I said there will be resentment and she will still feel in love with him but if we help each other we can get through this. Her reply was "so we should let the kids see us getting upset at each other and that's for the best" I said we shouldn't drag the kids through your affair seeing another man they don't know and then that breaks up. Thats not good, surely its better we work at things as the end result will be for the best for the kids.

They both said that my WW wouldn't have done this if she wasn't sure and even if it doesn't work out she won't be coming back.
Again I ask the question why then, when we have our first problem she throws in the towel. I reminded her of our vows, "For better for worse". "It doesn't get any worse than this" I said. Her mother said "don't you think me and her family wouldn't want things to go back as they were". I said "thats all all of us want it just my WW that doesn't".She then replied in the present of my wife, "saying none of us know him he could be a lunatic".

I said the affair won't last they never do. Tell me one affair that has worked and neither of them could answer that.I reminded them that I was here so we could work on our marriage and pointed to our wedding photo and asked "you loved me then and I'm sure you can love me again". I also added that "only 12 months ago I bought you and eternity ring".

Its almost June now and I still don't feel any different I love him and you have to accept it. Followed by you have got want you wanted in living in the house, but you won't be happy here on your own were her parting comments. Then she said you can have the home I'll get something else with the boys. I replied saying "what I wanted is for all of us to live here as we always have done, please don't forget that and I love you and always will".

Slam went the door.

What on earth do I do next?

I have no chance of meeting her EN now.

Chris
P.S. By the way Eph I have been reading your thread.

Okay, so you are in the house. See if you can get a background check on the other man. Then IF your wife files for custody and the house, you may be able to keep the OM away from your kids.

Also be very careful of her baiting you into a fight and then getting a restraining order.

Affairs never last. You need to get a battle plan.