How do I go about getting a background check on OM?

I don't have a clue about a battle plan now other than I will speak to my solicitor and Steve Harley on Thursday to see what they say.

Wow, sounds EXACTLY like what I went through. I came home - WW left. But it's typical.

You can try www.intellius.com to get a background check, but this may only work for the US.

A PI could get you some info as well.

I would start taking steps to get the kids back home. Stress that you want to maintain the statue quo for them which means they need to be in THEIR own home.

The problem with getting the kids back is that I work a 4 on 4 off shift pattern. I do 2 days followed by 2 nights and I have to work overtime to pay all the bills on my own, which isn't easy. I'm trying to get another job 9-5 but its hard to get the money I'm earning.

I will try the link your sent, but I don't know other guys surname or address. I've tried reverse lookup on his number but its not allowed in the UK.

Chris:

I am going to add a poll to this thread:

I think it will not be long until she returns. And I'm not joking about this.

Please choose ONE Yes or No Answer.

LG

WW Return by Thursday? single choice
	Yes
	No
Votes accepted starting: 05/29/07 02:18 PM You must vote before you can view the results of this poll.

WW Return By Sunday? single choice
	Yes
	No
Votes accepted starting: 05/29/07 02:18 PM You must vote before you can view the results of this poll.

WW Return By June 15? single choice
	Yes
	No
Votes accepted starting: 05/29/07 02:18 PM You must vote before you can view the results of this poll.

WW Return by July 1? single choice
	Yes
	No
Votes accepted starting: 05/29/07 02:18 PM You must vote before you can view the results of this poll.

WW Never Return? single choice
	Yes
	No
Votes accepted starting: 05/29/07 02:18 PM You must vote before you can view the results of this poll.

Do you have any family or friends any other way to get assistance with childcare?

If so, get all that organized and be ready when you speak to the solicitor. This will help you.

Chris,

When you get time, please read my story for some inspiration. (See below) I stood my ground about staying in my home....she left for 6 months...mad as ******!! Then things got better. Today, my wife and I are deeply in love! She RESPECTS me now, for standing up for myself and OUR marriage......and yes, I'm damn proud!

You can do this, MAN UP!!! Be strong, and begin healing yourself. That puts you in the BEST position to carry this marriage on your back, until your wife can assist you.....down the road, that VERY well may happen.
MWIL

Oh, yes. MWIL has a great story.

As does Mortarman

And Bob Pure


maybe me too one day.

maybe you too if you take the bull by the horns so to speak.

I gives me so much hope seeing all you guys writing to me. After she left I thought I am doomed.

Chris:

Really.

She doesn't have a plan.

Her Mother hasn't even met the guy.

And now, WW has to bring him to her MOTHERS House to meet him.

OR, Leave your Children with Mom to go out with OM.

Do you think that will fly long?

The best thing that can happen is that now she has to carry on in front of her mother.

Mom may or may not approve. But, Mom Will see her for what she is.

And you can consult with Mom regarding her grandkids. THe Father of her grandkids trying to save his M and work with his kids.

Think about it.

This can be a very good thing....

LG

I don't think her mother will change her opinion from what she said to me earlier. She stated "I just have to accept it, your marriage is over". How do I get her to change her opinion when its set in stone like that.

So who cares what her mother thinks? She's not a fortune teller. Plenty of people say they are certain they want a divorce and then change their minds. Happens everyday. But it won't happen if you stay away because then you've given up.

If you want to save your marriage, then you do what it takes to do it. Don't listen to her mother. Don't even listen so much to your WW since she is in the fog.

Chris, congratulations for shoving a huge spike into your WW's fantasy A-bubble. I'll bet she was looking forward to gradually moving you out of her life while she moved the OM in to replace you as H and father to her kids, in your home.

Just remember that you're dealing with a WW - I don't think a more devious creature exists on this Earth. She's likely going to try to get you out of the house by any means possible. Be prepared! I suggest talking to your lawyer ASAP about what your WW might use to get you out of the house and how you can respond to ensure that doesn't happen.

Chris,

What you're being told is true: your MIL & WW are talking out of their hats (& remember it's not your MIL that you've married - whether she's says it, thinks it or believes it - it just doesn't matter).

Protect your assets & your house (your half of them anyhow).

You've already done the hardest thing - overcoming the intertia of fear & taking the first step. Keep it up, you're doing good.

b.p.m.

You can't reason with a WS. The person you are seeing is not your wife. It's your Wayward Wife. Think of her as having been possessed by an alien. Or a heroin addict. The sooner you can think about her that way, the easier it will be. Trying to reason with her or convince her of anything will only frustrate you and give her reasons to be angry at you. Don't bother.

The things she said are all standard. Her mother buying into what WW is selling (that the marriage is over) is also standard. Your WW is so convincing because she really believes it and will continue to do so until reality comes crashing down around her. Then it will be different.

You're getting lots of great advice. Keep posting, and keep up the good work.

Chris,

I know that when faced with the things a WW says it is hard to remain calm. I also know that what you have already been told is exactly right!

What she expected was for you to go away, let her A continue and not make any waves. But exposure and returning home has made the A less of a fantasy and reality is beginning to set in. FWIW, I never saw my W as angry as the day I confronted her and began exposing her A to friends and family. She got over the anger...

Fight for your family to remain whole. It isn't quick, easy or without sacrifice and tears, but it can happen! In dealings with FIL and MIL, always remain cordial, polite and respectful. Also take any opportunity to state the case that it is not you who wants to destroy the family. Resist the temptation to tell them that it is all their daughter's fault, but take no responsibility for her actions. Own your stuff, but let them see the truth in her actions.

Hang on because the ride will be bumpy!

BTW, I didn't answer the poll because I can't predict the future. If you do a good Plan A and avoid any LBs, she will eventually come to her senses, at least the statistics are in your favor. Most As end within two years. Now that it is out in the open, perhaps the bubble will burst sooner rather than later.

Mark

Hi Chris,

I am a FWW who hasn't posted here in a long time. My H and I have been in recovery for almost two years now, and he is my absolute hero. A couple of things about your story have jumped out at me:

*Your mother-in-law. Don't worry, my mom knew about my A and protected it because she thought it's what made me "happy." She absolutely adored my H, but supported me during my A. This makes me think that SOME mothers go against reason in these situations. Don't take it personally... just keep being the stand up guy you are.

*Your W is going to hate you and be mad as *** as long as she has contact with OM. Again, don't take this personally. She is like a drug addict and will do anything and say the craziest, meanest things to get her "fix." Protect your children.

*Like MWIL said, "man up!" When I finally confessed my A, H was very loving but FIRM with me. He focused on taking care of himself and our home, and let me suffer through all my f**ked up bs in a warm yet stern way. To this day I still can't believe he did this... I don't know how... I can't wrap my head around how he loved me like he did, when I was so awful to him... I can't wrap my head around it... it awes me...

*Finally, concentrate on taking care of yourself and your children. Be super dad. Let her see what an awesome guy you are. Even if she's spewing venom, she notices.

Keep listening to the great advice here... you've come to the right place.

KM

Chris - just checking up on you. Please let us know how things are going.

\


YOU DID GREAT!! You just took the first step in driving a stake in the heart of her AFFAIR. You turned into a KNIGHT from a SERF. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

These guys can walk you through the process, you are getting some great help here, Chris! GOOD JOB!!

No, you don't have to accept it. She will change her opinion when you demonstrate that she is WRONG. Too bad she won't try and help you save your marriage, if even for her own grandchildren. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />