T/J HI KATIE MAE honey!! We have missed you and I am very glad to see you here! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I came back from work today and she was here getting some stuff so she could stay at her sisters overnight. They are both doing a 'Race for Life' charity run. Her sister asked her to stay over and hopefully will try and talk some sense into her. Nothing was said about where she intends to stay beyond tonight, but she will be here tomorrow to pick the kids up in the afternoon before I go to work. She will also be here on Friday for my boys birthday party. Unfortunately I won't as I'm working nights but I'm taking them out tonight to make up for it.

I spoke to her sister last night although she found it difficult to talk as she feels caught in the middle, but she, more than anyone understands, as her marriage ended in divorce after her WH had an affair. She believes my WW owes it to me and the boys to work things out and also thinks other guy has nothing to offer her. She has also said that she doesn't think her sister will ever come back and work on things, but understands what I'm doing. She has said that I've never done anything wrong and can't believe what her sister is doing.

I found out last night while looking at the her account on the home computer that she has been looking at websites about legal separation and on how it affects the kids. She was also looking and Deed Poll for a change of name and has bought a new mobile phone, which I got the number for.

I also had a phone call last night about 11:30pm but no one answered and they withheld their number. No doubt it was OM. I have been looking the phone bill and noticed a lot of calls are happening late at night well after the boys have gone to bed. This make me wonder if he is out for a drink most nights. If this is the case he may have a shock when she wants him to be with her all the time and not out with his mates.

I may have to change my username if she starts snooping around. I tried to direct her here before I moved out to show her what others have been through, but she couldn't see any similarities to our situation and she wouldn't read His Needs and Her Needs after her sister gave me the book to read.

We are all due to go on holiday to Florida in October but after our latest episode I think it will just be me and the boys. I can't see any of her family coming not now. It's a shame but its their loss.

Hi Chris, I am a FWW and will attempt to answer your original questions.

Did you feel that OM was your soulmate?

Absolutely. This is SO typical of an A.

Was it easy to move from EA into PA?

No, it was incredibly difficult and did not happen for me. I ended the EA before it became a PA. Don't get me wrong; I was totally in love with my OM. But I knew enough about myself and how I fall in love to know that had I crossed the line to a physical relationship, I would have been completely lost.

Did you ever think about your husband during your affair?

Yes, and I felt terrible. But I almost couldn't stop myself...I was in love!!

If so did it make you feel guilty?

Yes, I was overwhelmed by guilt.

How long before your decided the affair should end?

I wanted the end the affair every time I saw him, but I found it impossible to pull back. It was only when confronted with having my EA become a PA that I was able to rationalize with myself. I guess I got scared of losing everything, my home, my family, my respectibility...myself.

Who ended the affair?

I ended it after six weeks. While I considered moving my EA to a PA, I started doing research on the different ways divorce affects young children. I was horrified by the things that I found. I somehow thought that if I divorced, the kids would just get through it the way all the other children of divorced parents do. But, ultimately, I did not want that result for my children; my H was a good father; my children deseverd more and so did he.

When the affair ended did you consider saying single?

No.

If so why did you go back to your husband?

I will be honest in that I originally decided to stay with my husband for the sake of my small children. I have a very good career and an excellent salary; I don't need his money and I don't need anyone taking care of me. But, I wanted my kids to have BOTH of their parents in their home; I didn't want my kids to have to have a step-dad or a step-mom. Simple as that.

So, my advice to you would be to scour the internet and find everything you can find on the many different ways divorce affects and damages young children. Send it to your wife. Send it to your mother-in-law. Appeal to your wife's maternal instincts. Does she love and want to protect her children? She needs to see beyond herself; reading all of that stuff really shook me up and kept me from making what would have been the worst mistake of my life.

Good luck.

MBN

This is GREAT, Chris. Having to move around like this will cause her to suffer some consequences for her affair. She will begin to ask herself if it is really worth all this. She will also raise the bar of expectations on the OM since she has made such an enormous sacrifice. That will usually create conflict in the affair, which leads to LOVEBUSTING. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> Since they don't have the benefit of MB, they don't know any better.

So, hang tight. You now know that you have what it takes to make it, that should give you some great comfort.

Any way you can keep those boys at home full time?

question for MustveBeenNuts

I don't suppose you have any links to the stuff that you were reading.

My wife seems to only read the articles that she thinks ring true, such as, children will deal well with divorce or separation providing boths parents show them they love them, blar blar blar.

I have already pointed out that her own nephew is withdrawn because of his father leaving and because he doesn't have a father around him all the time. I get 'the kids will be fine you can have them any time you want, you won't be just a Saturday Dad'. I have already pointed her to stuff I've read, but again she won't read anything someone shows her.

What she seems to miss, is that I want to put them to bed at night in their beds.

Another blast my WW put across my bow yesterday during her speeding retreat was "I don't feel guilty and never have done"
By God I felt something then but it didn't sink me.

LOL have you ever felt the need to say that when you DIDN'T feel it? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Mel is right. My F?WW went to great lengths to describe to our Relate counsellor how "she'd forgiven herself" & how she was "justified" in having the A; it's BS fog babble & pay it no mind.

She feels it, in a corner of her soul that she daren't look at.

b.p.m.

KM, I'm like Chris. I'm struggling with a WW, who in March told me she didn't love me and is in an affair. It is so hard. Thank you so much for your story above. It's given me new strength. I can't stop my wife from filing divorce and leaving me, but I can't stop loving her. My kids are acting out on me every day. My wife sleeps in another room. My family supports me and tells me I'm the only adult in the house right now. But, man am I tired; emotionally tired.

When I saw your post to Chris, my heart lifted. Thanks.

I had a visit today from my MIL today, saying she wanted no bad feelings between us but that she couldn't abandon her daughter. We had a long talk where she kept saying I should just move on and that in a few years time I could be settled down with someone else. I had to point out that affairs don't last and that me moving on wouldn't help the kids in the long run. I told her I was taking advice from other people who are in the same situation and that her daughters feelings will change in time and that I couldn't just give up on our marriage.

I have put a lock on the phone if see comes back so she can't phone him and I've stopped calls coming in where the number is withheld.

So, the stuff she says is FogTalk and is going to really hurt you if you let it. Until you can recognize it for what it is, I recommend trying not to listen to it. At some point, you may be able to take the hurtful things she spews at you and analyze them for the true meaning, but right now you should do what you can to protect yourself against them.

Hi Chris,
Your MIL just wants her daughter to be happy. She is listening and believing the fog talk, and thinks she is doing what is best for your W. Keep being respectful when she comes to you and speaks on behalf of her miserable daughter (and she is miserable, but it's not because of you... always remember it's NOT because of you). Be kind and unflinching, "I love my W, and I will do everything I can to make things work for our family. This is too important to me, and I'll never stop fighting. I hope you understand." In the end, you will be the hero.

Chris, I understanding blocking private calls from coming in, but I don't know if I would lock the phone. This is going to make your W feel like she's in jail. If you do anything, I would track her calls online, and then confront her calmly when necessary. I know she's not at home right now, but she WILL come back, and you will want to make things welcoming for her. When she comes back, keep the block on but don't lock the phone. Track her calls instead (and snoop to make sure she doesn't have a secret cell phone.)

I know it hurts when your W says these awful things to you, but she is completely out of her mind right now. It really is like she's be abducted by aliens. Have you read anything here about reverse babble? Start reading up on it, so you can be well prepared on how to best respond to her when she moves home.

You have made a very brave and wise move and I am praying for you. Please keep posting and letting us know how things are going.

Help W Wife: I'm glad you found my post helpful. Is your W still having her A? I will look for your other posts and see if I can offer any advice. Right now, it seems like you are doing the right thing. Bless you for hanging in there and demonstrating what real love is to your children... they may be acting out right now, but you are teaching them a VERY important life lesson. Don't ever forget that.

Melodylane: hello to you to, my fellow redheaded friend! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

KM

Just to give you an update since I lasted posted.

My wife has been coming and going over the last couple of days and has stayed the last 2 nights while I have been working Night Shift. This was after I text her to say to come home and stay while I was at work, which see agreed to reluctantly as I knew she doesn't want to leave permanently. However after a short telephone conversation she said she plans on staying at home when I'm working nights

Yesterday was my little boys 7th birthday. I came home around 6:00am and waited for him to get up. At 7:00am he still wasn't up so I woke my wife who was sleeping in my boys room if I could wake them as they were sleeping top-tail in the other room. "No" came the answer as he must be be tied. I thought that was a bit harsh considering I have justed finished 12hrs and would be up early due to his party starting at 2:00pm and she wanted me out of the house by 1:30pm. Anyway he woke at around 7:30am and we watched him open his presents before I went to bed at 8:30am.

I woke about 1:00pm and stayed for the first hour of the party. During this time she caught me asking my boys whether she had been phoning OM while they were there. I wasn't trying to get them to take side although it looks that way, but just trying to see how things are effecting them. My boys don't say much and it worries me how they are actually doing. We had a row all be it a small one as neither of us wanted to argue on my boys birthday, but pointed out that I would be putting a block on the phone so she couldn't phone OM. That as you can imagine went down like a lead balloon. I then left a little later after things had calmed down giving her a kiss which she didn't appreciate one bit and I knew it, but with all those people standing around she couldn't just push me away.

I had a telephone appointment with Steve Harley at 4:30pm. I explained my situation in full along with my decision to move out on a couple of occasions. It was great speaking to him. Steve pointed out that she may find it worthwhile looking at the website and explained that it was OK to tell her I was reading stuff on the site as other people have similar issues. He posed a couple of question for me to ask my wife and has asked that she call him. He also said I was right to go home and that I shouldn't ask questions to the kids which has them questioning their loyalties. He said I should say "how do you feel when Mam speaks to OM" as opposed to "has Mam been speaking to OM". I'll try to ensure I don't involve them in future as I have difficulty when I see them questioning their own position.

Today I spoke with WW and posed the questions asked by Steve and she said she would think about allowing me to arrange a telephone session. We both spoke calmly and discussed how I speak to the boys as well as other issues surrounding our relationship and in particular how she feels I kept putting her under pressure for sex. I wasn't quick enough to point out she was having sex with him. I did point out that I now understand that men and women have different views on this and after reading HNHN I now understood. She said that me putting a block on the phone makes her more determined to keep having the affair and that I'm just pushing her away. I said that the reason I was putting a block on the phone was so the boys didn't pick up the phone if he rang. Nothing I do will stop her seeing OM and she will only stop when she is ready and that it doesn't feel wrong. She went on to say that if she was only thinking of herself she would have left with the kids and they would have meet him by now. She says she would rather have no one than have the kids get hurt. (that's rich)

She asked that I consider getting a separation agreement so I get to keep the house and in 5 years time we sell it so that she and I get half each as opposed to me only getting 30% should me go through the court. I said I would think about it as she said she will think about talking to Steve. However I did point out that I didn't want to talk about separation or divorce and I wasn't ready to just move on and find someone else. I wanted to work on our marriage. I explained I was online and that a FWW had posted to say she couldn't get her head round why her husband had kept faith with her, to which my WW agreed.

Anyway she left today to see her Mam and I would imagine OM at some point and we will speak on Monday when she comes to have the kids.

CM, this sounds great, I am so glad you were able to speak to Steve Harley. He may be able to make some inroads speaking to your W. I would caution you about sending her to this forum, to your thread, though. That would be a disaster.

Secondly, what exactly did you mean when you said this:



You are not allowing her to eject you from your own home again, are you?

No, what I meant was because of the bad feelings regarding me coming home and being my boys birthday she didn't want me to be around. I had agreed to go to where I was staying for a couple of hours before I went to work. As I had to speak to Steve it worked out fine, except I didn't go when she wanted me to go and hung around a little longer.

I have changed my display name so she doesn't pick up on it straight away. I do think her coming here may get her to see other people in the same light as herself. Lets hope she doesn't see my thread. Even if she does I don't have anything to hind and some of the replies from FWW may get her to see their point a bit clearer

How do I change the title of the thread?

H, it would be a disaster if she found your thread. We can't help you strategize to save your marriage from an affair if she sees this thread. Your marriage is under assault and that would be like giving your battle plan to your enemy. Diplomacy does not work when you are being FIRED UPON. See what I mean?


Asking you to leave your OWN HOME, on the day of your boy's birthday is absolutely unreasonable. You are his FATHER, why should you leave?? Please don't ever agree to leave your home again to accomodate her "bad feelings." That is her problem entirely, and you should never leave your own home for this.

It just shocks me that you men will fall for this. No woman would ever leave her own home, especially her SON'S birthday party, because her H had "bad feelings." I just don't get why men do this. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />


You can change the title of the thread by editing your first post.

Hang in there. I doubt your wife will take the time to read here. She is more interested in continuing the affair than working on the marriage.

You are doing fine, but reclaim your home. If your wife is "uncomfortable" (read - you are interferring with her AFFAIR), too bad, she'll get over it.

In the meantime, don't talk divorce or separation. Let her know you intend to keep your family together.

I keep losing track of you ;-)

How you getting on ??

b.p.m.

Hi Bullet,

How are you? thanks for dropping in. I was having a quick look through your thread earlier. You seem to be way ahead of me in your situation so keep at it.

Spoke to WW today which was good without any angry outbursts and asked her to speak to Steve Harley. I have also had 2 of my SIL's on the phone asking how I am and then telling me I should just resign the fact my marriage is over.

I kills me that these people who have watched us be so happy can ever so quickly tell you to pack it in. Still tomorrow will be an event. I'm off to BIL where all her family are to sort out our holiday to Florida in October. WW still says she isn't coming.

Bullet have you spoke to Steve Harley, if not I'd give him a call. It may cost money but it may also save a lot of time and effort.

Just got back from BIL's. I felt very awkward being the only outsider with all her family at first but as time went on it was easier. I spoke to my MIL and explained what Steve had said. She said that my WW had already told her and agreed it may help. She said it didn't feel right arranging a holiday where her daughter wouldn't be coming. I said we just need to keep praying and hoping she she will come. Anyway everything finished well and we all departed on good terms.

I had texted my wife yesterday asking if she could look after the kids tonight so I could go out for a drink as I would be working next weekend. She said she would but insisted that I stay at my brothers or a friends house, or she would take the kids to her mothers. I said that I didn't want them to stay somewhere else and that I would only be out for a couple of hours. I wasn't agreeing to stay anywhere other than my house so I said not to worry, I won't go out.

I came home today from BIL and guess who's at home? She was in one of my boy's bed with a bad head saying her period is due and she thought I was going out. I have never known her to have such a bad head during her period she needed to go to bed at 8:30 in the evening. What's more worrying is she was on her period only 2 weeks ago. Maybe the pressure is getting to her. I had informed her today via text that her eldest boys was upset yesterday as he misses his mother and wants her to come home. ('under pressure', 'dum diddle lum diddle lum dum')

As you are aware my wife stayed last night and we spoke some more today. I'm still getting I don't know if I was ever in love with you, but I did love you. That just doesn't make sense. We spoke about Steve and she said I'm not surprised he wants me to speak to him so he can get another $200. I have said I will pay for it. She said a number of things like I bully her into doing something she isn't ready to do and I have always bullied her. I take that as just WW babble.

I left her with the kids when I went out with the thought of we would be happiest if we could be in love again and so would the kids be happiest. She knows she can't argue with that and she was crying to herself when I went out.

I'm just hoping she will speak to Steve at least once so we can work on our marriage.