I have just spoken to WW and she says I keep putting her under pressure. She says that I have always put her under pressure. I then asked if I was always putting you under pressure why haven't we had problems before now. I asked whether I was a good husband, which she replied yes, so surely if I was a bad husband we would of have difficulties before now, or is that just an excuse now you have meet someone else. No reply!

Is this just WW babble?

She also said she thinks about me and everything I've said but then goes on to say I don't want to talk to you about it. What on earth does that mean? What am I supposed to take from that?

FWW please respond

H&M:

Didn't take her that long to come back did it?

Now start working your Plan A. Stop listening to her and start watching her actions!

She staying home. Tend to her.

Be the Hero!

LG

She has gone back to her mothers tonight as the boys are back in their beds as they have school tomorrow. She won't sleep on the settee and will definitely not share the same bed as me. Its funny though it should be me that doesn't want to share it with her.

I am struggling with Plan A and what I can really do if she is not here. I bought her a small bar of her favourite chocolate yesterday knowing she would be here today to look after the boys and then I went and bought her some flowers later on. Outside of keeping on top of everything in the house not sure what else I can do.

HAF (I'm liking that name),

I may be [censored] (to use the technical term) when it comes to resisting WS babble <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> but I do understand what plan A is about: it's about you. It's about making positive changes in yourself for yourself; if you just do it when WW is about (& only improve on what WW nags about) then it will appear contrived, & it will be.

Pick something for yourself & work on it: I've resumed the guitar after ~4yrs & started jamming again, started gym, yoga, tai chi, mountain biking, reading for pleasure, etc. These are just for me. I've also increased what I do about the house, I take more interest in what F?WW has to say (this is genuine, I am interested), do more with the kids, finish those DIY projects & deliver on all those promises I made over the years (putting right my mistakes, as it were). These I started doing for her but now do it for us as I actually get immense personal satisfaction from them (so it doesn't really matter if she's elated by it). I know she notices some of the things.

WHen I first learnt about OM I thought I was done for: he was new & exciting, I was old & stale; my boss b!tch-slapped me round the side of the head & said "There's nothing to stop you from being new & interesting", he was right. I may be overreaching to claim that I'm new & interesting, but F?WW has told me that she's intrigued & has been wondering what a life with me would be like (which is 100000000000000 miles away from where we were in January).

Keep it up.

b.p.m.

I have just printed off a guide to wayward spouse but not sure I should give it to WW who isn't ready to give up her affair.

What do you think?

I went to see some friends today who had bumped into IL's. It appears FIL has spoken to WW and told her she needs to start making decisions. I thought she already had, but I'm worried she will just go with OM if put under pressure from her parents. She says I'm putting her under pressure but I'm not asking her to make a choice. I'm simply telling her I'm here to sort out our marriage. She is fleeting between here and her mothers. She is coming round tomorrow at 5:40am so I can go to work and today she was here at 6:00am, She didn't speak too much today and got the hump when I done all the ironing as she says I'm only doing it to please her. What I'm trying to do is give her a break so she doesn't have to do it all.

Came back from work today and my WW was offish. Her response to anything I said was Yep, No, not interested. Then it came I don't love you and we are separated and you have to accept it. Its over I'm sorry you can't accept it but you need to. I will continue to speak and see other man and there is nothing you can do. I will go to the solicitors tomorrow and we are getting separated.

I replied I'm not talking about divorce or separation and I am here because of the vows we made to one another and if you are uneasy with this I'm sorry.

Need some advice here, quick!

My WW has just told me she is going out tonight after the boys go to bed. I asked her where is going and she said I don't need to know. I has said yesterday that I didn't want to know if she went out to see OM, but I can't seem not to ask her. I said I'm not babysitting the boys while she goes out but she threatens to take the boys to meet him.

I keeps asking her to think of the damage she would do to the boys and I get the reply you are trapping me.

How do I prevent her from going and not create LB's

Well, I don't have a good MB solution answer for you. I'd be tempted to tell her not to come back, but that's me.

Instead, I guess perhaps what you should do is make it very clear to her that what she's doing is wrong, it hurts you, and that while she feels that it's ok because she WANTS to divorce you, it's WRONG AS ANYTHING because she's NOT DIVORCED YET.

Let her know how much you dislike it. Make it clear that you'd rather have your children in the house than to let her expose them to OM.

Also, if no one has told you this yet...start a journal, in pen, documenting ALL of this. This will pay off big time when/if this does get to divorce. It clearly shows her poor parenting and bad choices, and your OWN willingness to do what's right for your kids.

Keep up both sides of plan A right now...do what you can to meet her emotional needs, and keep the pressure up to end the affair.

I forget...have you exposed all of this to her family, friends, etc..., and yours? If so, then re-expose exactly what she just told you to them as well. Make it clear that it's HER choices here that's destroying your marriage, not yours.

If you haven't exposed...it's TIME.

I have exposed it to everyone, but she just keeps saying the marriage is over and I have to accept it. All her family have accepted it and she just says I'm in denial and that I'm scared to be on my own.

I've told her how much this hurts me be she doesn't seem to care. I have said we are still married and not separated or divorced and that OM will not provide you with anything. He hasn't even tried to find somewhere to live and that he won't. I told her affairs don't last, asked her to speak to Steve Harley. She replies "He's weird and that its just a waste of money and he's ripping you off"

I find it so hard not to create LB's as she gets so angry as she says I just keep going on. She knows I want to save the marriage for all of us and especially the boys, but I get the kids will be fine, or we shouldn't just stay together for the kids. If their not its down to me. She's off to see her solicitor next week. I just hope they can't force a separation on me.

Well, if she decides to leave, there's nothing you can do about it. She's a grown woman, able to make her own choices...to include seperating from you.

So...if that's the route she takes, let her take it. Do NOT help her with it in anyway at all. Don't fund her leaving you, don't do a single thing to support her affair.

Don't talk with her about it either. Let her know that you're willing to talk about marriage...divorce will be handled by your solicitor.

Not surprising that her family accepts her actions...we've seen that before. What about your family, shared friends, etc...?

Again, plan A, prepare to deal with things if it goes to plan D. That's your best bet at this point.

Have you read any of the threads that have been suggested to you?

You need a big dose of courage. Its hard to respect someone you can walk all over. And its hard to love someone you can't respect....

What do you know about OM? Is he married?
Have you exposed on his end of things?

You simply must structure your work so that you can be the primary parent to your boys. That way you can push her out and let OM meet ALL of her needs.

OM lives with his parents.

I know where he works but don't know his shift pattern and I won't get into his work.

I have exposed the affair to his parents. He is divorce and have no idea where is XW lives.

I am trying not to get walked all over, but I create LB's all the time when I lose my temper. I tell her she is ****ing everything up especially for the boys, but it just falls on deaf ears.

The law falls in favour of the main carer in the UK which is my WW. There is no way I can become the main carer.

Don't get so wrapped up in the law.

Simply try to manuever her OUT.
Structure your worktime so that you can get help caring for the boys (without her)
So that you can (soon) tell her to get the heck OUT.

She'll want the unemcombered access to OM. She'll leave.
Manuever her into being the part-time parent.

Then that makes you the main "carer" by default.

My wife is claiming working tax credit as I moved out as her single income was below a certain level. Now I've moved myself back in, she says we are still separated, but the tax credit becomes void.

She doesn't qualify now I'm back home

Question - Should I threaten to expose this or is this a BIG LB?

As it stands she makes as much as me and that makes her more financially secure than I intended.

I have just found out the address of OM and was wondering if I should send a letter to his father asking him to intervene. I have already spoke to him before I moved out. He was under the impression we were already separated. Although I haven't been able to stop my WW from going to see him and stay, I'm now hoping if I write to his father he may try again to help.

I have again lodged another complaint at his boss regarding his conduct, in that he is phoning my wife.

Should I just stop trying to stop the affair and just accept that it needs to run its course and attempt to create the loving home she has been used to.

I created an almighty LB this morning when she came home.

I spoke with my WW this morning and she has said that she is taking my boys to meet OM when I'm not around as she can't see him very often. There appears to be nothing I can do about it

Any advice would be welcomed.

Latest account,

WW says she wants me to agree to a legal separation where I get to keep the house. In the next breath she says she needs to speak her solicitor first as she may say she should stay in her our house because of the kids and why shouldn't she fight for the house.

The fact remains that if she is persuaded to file for unreasonable behaviour due to the stress of me moving home and the arguments we have had since my return, they will say that the marriage is at the point of irretrievable breakdown and she would be awarded the house.

This would mean OM moves in and I wouldn't be able to return home even if the affair ends. It appears to me that they get everything on the back of what I have helped create and I get nothing.

Please give me your advice.

HAF:

Messing around with the IR is bad, come clean (if they found out you may get screwed). Tell them: it's not just a good idea, it's the law. While she's with you in the marital home, she's not entitled (again it's not your wish, it's the law). It can be done in a non-LB way - I'll leave this as an exercise for the subordinate <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Expose to everyone who will put pressure on her (or OM) to end the affair, to ground it in the real world. I don't know what form is best for OM's father (MB pro's help required here...) but I wouldn't write a letter; I'd pop round for a cup of tea (with some photos of the kids in my wallet). But that's just what I would do (& had planned).

Never, ever give up.

What was the LB??

Sorry - I really don't know what you can do about WW taking the kids going to see OM. Insist that you accompany them (if you can). Can any other child care arrangements be made - you'll need to be thinking about this anyway.

WS babble (even with my weak babble-detector I know this). She wants the house, she doesn't want the house - she's fogged up.

Any reason why you can't fight for the house??


This is not a fact / If she is persuaded to ask for a divorce for unreasonable behaviour she needs 5 documented examples of unreasonable behaviour & moving back home isn't one. She also needs you to sign the papers in agreement (as I understand UK divorce law). I got a book from WHSmiths on a DIY divorce (I was dead set on one once) - try & buy/borrow it (I forget what it was called but they only had that one). It learnt the reasons why I could & couldn't divorce WW for


You sound defeated (& in need of a 2x4). You are not done for, do not believe you are (this is BS fog). Is your name on the mortgage deed ?? Is your name on your kids birth certificates ?? If the answer to both of these is yes then your position is sound. Half the house is yours, 50% of the parental responsibility (& therefore parental rights) is yours. You got married after you had the kids, this puts a different tilt on things but it can cut both ways.

Get your battle mask out, dust it off & put it on. You might want to think about better legal representation

b.p.m.

HAF

Listen to bullet.....Get better legal represenation. All attorneys, counselors, etc are not created equal. I know that somewhere near your home there is a mean, jacked up, bulldog of an attorney looking for a fight. Find him/her and get protection from WW and her behavior.