bump

So you are moving back home and your wife is moving out, WITH the boys? Do you think that is what is going to happen? Where will she be moving to?

I believe she will move out to her mothers house which is just around the corner from where we live and she will have the boys there while I'm at work and I will have them when I'm off. How long that lasts I've no idea. The boys will end up sleeping top-tail as there are only 2 spare beds and they won't have all their stuff there.

I don't know whether to leave Plan B until she finds her own place to live. Its more likely she will return home and make life awkward for me.

I printed some stuff off the web for her to read yesterday, but I doubt she'll take much notice and I plan on writing to her again when I get home. She has kept all the letters and photos I've sent in the past.

HAF

Whatever she does when she moves out is going to be difficult and inconvenient. I would just let her make whatever arrangement she likes as long as it does'nt involve trying to ease you out of your own home.This way she may eventually come to appreciate what she could have with you.I would wait a while until she comes up with a more permanent plan to implement plan B

Best Wishes

Don't help her move out...and as far as plan B, that's really up to you.

Is your lovebank in danger of going empty soon? Are you feeling close to completely giving up?

If the answer is yes, then its time for plan B.

If the answer is no, then you keep up your plan A.

And the bottom line on the move is simple...she can leave, but the boys stay in the marital home. You don't fund ANYTHING as part of her move out. You don't pay for anything, you don't help her pack, you don't let her take joint marital items to ease her transition.

She wants out, she moves out ON HER OWN.

And...once she moves out, you need to set some clear expectations on what you'll require from her before you'll consider letting her move back in. Go talk with your local police dept to see what you can do to prevent her from moving back in once she's gone.

I noticed you commented that she hit you...you might consider this as a basis for a restraining order if things go that route. If it happens again, get it documented. Abuse works two ways.

Just my thoughts...

Thanks for your replies,

I came back yesterday and asked WW to look after the boys for a few hours last night while I was out. On my return home I found my MIL at home with my WW. I could tell my MIL was angry with me but she didn't say much although I tried to make conversation with her. By the look on her face you would have thought I was the one having the A.

I'm having another appointment with Steve this afternoon to see what else I can do. I don't think I can stop her taking the boys out of our home as it is her time with them. I know they aren't looking forward to staying at their nanny's. My MIL has already got the camp bed out ready for when the boys go round. It's not ideal and the boys know it's not me thats taking them from their home and that I shouldn't feel that I'm letting them down.

In answer to your questions: I still love my wife.

I spoke to her the other night while at worked and asked her what the most important thing in her life was and she replied the boys. I then said then why are you willing to only see the boys 4 days a week, but no reply. I was told by my WW that if I meet someone then the boys will have to just get on with them. I replied they wouldn't and they would come first. She then said if the boys don't like OM then she will have to end it.

When I came home the boys told me their mother had been crying following our conversation.

Update:

Since I last wrote I spoke to Steve Harley and he said that I shouldn't go to Plan B yet and if I did it could lead to divorce. He has asked again to speak to my WW, but she refuses.

Last weekend DS8 wasn't very well so I asked WW to come over and look after him,which she did while I took out DS7. She asked if she could take DS7 to a fireworks display and I said yes. Then she tells me its not where we would normally go, so I said it was up to the boys. After coming back I told her I didn't want her to take DS7 out as she would take him to meet OM and he doesn't want to go and that it was my time with them and I wouldn't babysit while she took them out. She agreed it wasn't fair on me and she would leave it. We spoke for some time and I asked her to speak to S.H. and she said she will think about it. Just before she goes she wants a hug from DS7 and he's reluctant so she blames me for talking to him. I said there is no way I will tell him what you are doing is right and if he doesn't want to hug you then that's his way of saying he is angry and you should learn to live with it. I have told my boys not to be afraid to say what they want even if they think it will hurt someone even me, but they don't blame me for anything or ever get angry.

Fast forward 5 days and we have to go to a parents evening. I asked her again to speak to S.H. and she refuses. I sarcastically said thanks for your help and left.

Last night the boys are with me and their mother phones them as usual. DS8 comes off the phone and tells me she is with OM and that he went silent and now feels angry and sad and wants to cry. I tell him it's ok to cry and be angry and he can phone is mother back if he wishes. Instead he text her. All night he gets no reply. I also sent WW a text to tell her that she tells everyone the boys come first but clearly they don't and that it upsets me to see the boys upset.

This morning DS8 has had a text from his mother telling him she loves him and his brother are the most important things in her life and she is sorry for not replying but she forgot her phone. I receive nothing. DS8 tells me he sometimes wakes up at night crying. I've told him to keep his phone and to call me whenever he is upset regardless of the time.

This weekend I was feeling very flat before this happened but I don't know why. Some days its like a wave coming over me that makes me angry at being betrayed. I hope I feel better tomorrow.

HAF

WW came to pick the boys up today. I had asked her earlier today if she could have the boys for a few hours on Saturday, while I go to a 40th birthday party, which she agreed to. When she gets here she says she will have them at her mothers, which I refused to agree to as they are already spending 5 nights a weeks there. She got angry so I decided I won't go and will keep the kids here.

An argument followed and she said I was wrong to keep going on to the boys about it. I said I haven't I just always make sure they tell me whenever they are happy, sad or angry even at me. She said her sister said its outrageous that I speak to the boys, but couldn't say that to my face and I have just come back from 2 weeks holiday with her.

She says I always talk in front of the boys, but I don't have a choice as she never speak to me.

I feel crap now and she always gets her own way and I'm made out to be the bad guy.

HAF

Latest Update.

Following the argument I had with my WW a week ago I received 2 calls from friends on Saturday asking if I had someone to look after the boys so I could go out. I replied no and instantly had 2 options. I asked the boys what they wanted and they both said I should go out, so I did.

On returning I noticed my WW's car wasn't at her mothers, so I call her to ask where she was. I got "it has nothing to do with you". I replied you said the boys come first in your life and you couldn't have them for a couple of hours except to take them to your mothers as you may be tired. As you aren't home you can't be tired. She replied with "if the bays are your priority why did you go out and leave them". I said she shouldn't try and turn this on me. To which she tells me I'm always asking her to look after the boys for her. In 8 months I've asked twice both in the same month. I lost it and started shouting and swearing at her, to which she put the phone down and wouldn't speak to me.

Since then I've tried speaking to her, but she says she is scared to be in the same room as me and won't speak to me on the phone.

Its ok for her to rip my life apart but I can't get angry. She is now going to her solicitor to see if she should sell the house or force the courts to move me out. I've been told by her that I involve the boys too much, but Dr. Harley says children of 7 yrs up need transparency.

DS8 called his mother a cow yesterday, but I did tell him not to call her that and that she didn't fully understand what she is doing.

What cracks me up in all this is no one but me talks to my kids and they often ask me questions about what is happening. The fact no one could even ask the boys what they wanted on Saturday infuriates me.

It now looks like I'll be in court on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour.

Spoke to BIL about his sister and he said I've every right to get angry, but I should keep away from her for now until she has had time to think about what she wants to do with the house.

Advice please

HAF

Be very careful, that's my advice. No more shouting. She could be setting you up, and that could mean trouble down the line, in terms of custody and such.

It's not okay for her to rip your life apart, and anger is a given in that situation. Expect that she is going to try and goad you on, so that you can better deal with your anger in her presence. Just one wrong move, one grab of the arm, one forceful touch, getting in her face and yelling, and you could be talking to the cops.

Hi All,

I thought I would post as its been a while. One of the last times I posted was on another thread I had, asking FWS their opinions, which I printed off and gave to my WW. She read them and her only comments where about Big K's signature note about God being dead, which prompted my WW to tell me everyone was weird. Not a single comment on all the posts.

Since my last post I have agreed with my WW the division of the house but not the contents she said it will be done when the house is sold, so at some point I will speak to my boys and try to agree what they wish to keep with me and what they wish to keep with their mother. She gets 56% and I'll get 44%. The most I could expect is 50% should I go to court, but once court costs are added I may come away with less. As the courts favour the main carer and that is my WW its not worth the hassle to pursue it. I did point out that I've contributed a lot to the house, but my WW still believes she should walk away with what she put into the house when we moved in. I know if I had of put more in she would expect the same amount. So I'll cut my losses and give her what she wants. That way I avoid court for the kids sake.

The house will go on the market as soon as she signs the contract with the estate agents, which should be this week, if she gets round to reading it. She has had over a week to read it but with Christmas on us still hasn't put it in. I'm not sure how long I can expect it to stay on the market as the market is flat at the moment.

I have told my boys what is going on and we are looking at a house near to where we live, which I hope I can get.

All I want is to go to Plan B, but this isn't practical all the time my WW has access to the house and can come and go as she wishes. I have spoken to friends of ours who will mediate any messages for us and I've started writing an exchange book, not that my WW fills anything into it, but then she feels its a waste of time.

For some reason I have been feeling quite angry and resentful more than normal at the moment which is why I really need to get to Plan B so I can recover.

I'll keep you posted
HAF

I just drop my boys off yesterday with my WW before travelling over 300 miles to a cousin's funeral to be asked by my WW for a divorce. Why?

A few weeks ago she said she would agree to have less money from the sale of our home if I divorced her, but I refused and kept with her initial proposal of her taking 56% of the house. When her A first started she said she wasn't wanting a divorce but now she keeps pushing it.

She said that as its only a piece of paper and that if we are meant to be together we will and a piece of paper won't make any difference. I said if its only a piece of paper then you won't mind if I don't agree, after all I haven't done anything wrong and I've had to agree to my life being torn apart. She then loses her tempted and tells me to go or she will shut the door in my face and then wishes me a safe journey.

Anybody got any ideas what is going through her head?

Another question. Has anyone here recovered their marriage after selling their family home?

HAF
P.S. Happy New Year to everyone

There is no way to get anything through her head. When the affair ends she will be back to normal. Do whatever you need to do to protect what you can of your finances.

Believer,

How come you have so much faith when those who are suffering don't?

One question, in your opinion do you think I should get a divorce or is that just playing into her hands. The money doesn't worry me too much for the sake of £3000 I'd rather not get divorced. I'm more hurt that she feels she should have more than a equal amount than anything else. It says to me that in her eyes no matter how hard I've worked we aren't equal.

As she still comes to the house to drop the boys off and is always there when I drop them off, should I wait until the house is sold to move to plan B or do it now. I'm starting to loose what love I have left for her, but going to Plan B will mean I have to sit with her to discuss who is keeping what from the house at some point. I'm still waiting on her signing the contract for the sale of the house and she has had that for 2 weeks and I'm having to sort out everything, in regards to inspections of the house.

HAF

WW dropped the boys off last night so I could have them today as she was at work and they are still on holiday.

I asked again if she had signed the document for the estate agents, but she says she has a problem with them and that we needed to talk. "What is the problem", I ask. She said "I can't speak now as the boys are here and she feels unwell".She again asked me for the big D which I refused and she got angry and told me that I should accept a buy out from the house and she would do whatever she could to keep the house. She went on to tell me I shouldn't try to keep hold of her and let her go and get on with my life. I said you can do whatever you want, but I'm not giving you a divorce as we are married for better for worse and I'm sure this will end, so I don't see the point in a divorce

I told her I won't accept a buy out as I'm not letting that p**** (OM) live in my home and he can get one for you. The house now must be sold so we can both provide 2 homes for the boys. At that she stormed off, which is normally what happens when she can't get her own way.

So much for Plan B just being round the corner. Whenever I think I've got somewhere she changes everything.

I would stall on divorce. Just tell her you don't want one and won't discuss it. She may file and force the point, but that takes time. And affairs almost always end. So hang in there.

I agree with believer --whatever she wants she has to do the hard work to arrange it.If slamming doors and marching off has worked to get her own way in the past it is time she learned that it cant work for the situation she finds herself in now.

Keep on sticking to your guns HAF she has a lot to lose

HAF...

I'm so sorry you are having such a horrible time with the alien. I noticed you mentioned you having to "do all the work" about the house sale and such...why? Don't even be home for it! It isn't your plan, so why help? I wouldn't take the phone calls, wouldn't get drawn into these fights over and over, etc. All you have to say is "I don't want a divorce. I love you, and the boys and I want you back as a wife and mother." When she asks for a D, say "I don't discuss divorce, only marriage."

Your thread is very long, but I went back a couple pages. At this point, she is living with her M? Is there any way to have the boys more nights so they don't have to be subjected to sleeping in one bed 5 nights a week? Are both of you on the mortgage papers? If so, why is she calling all the shots on the sale?

From what I've read, there is a lot of anger (understandably) but the LBs aren't helping you or the boys. They are actually serving to empower her to make you the bad guy. You are in a cycle that will never end unless you try to take a different approach. Read Mark's Musings thread. It is awesome. Then read Orchid's "Reverse Babble" thread to give you some ideas on how to speak to the angry alien WW without getting drawn into another battle.

What of the OM? If she isn't living with him, where do they see each other? Is he married? I think I read that she takes the boys around him and that they don't like it-any way to stop this from happening? Sorry for all the questions...I just want to know all I can. I thought England has a one-year waiting period after LS for D? What is the court's stance on adultery?

Hi Again,

Thanks for your input.

Ok update as we stand. WW phoned today to speak to boys and we spoke about the house. She is going to see her solicitor tomorrow to get a legal separation document drafted, as I won't give her a divorce. This is so she can get her deposit back from the sale of the house. A house we have shared for over 9 years. This sticks in my throat as it feels that we aren't equal and never have been. As I mentioned in my earlier thread she gets 56% and I'll get 44% from the sale of the house. The most I could expect to get is 50% should I go to court, but once court costs are added I may come away with less. The courts favour the main carer and as that is my WW its not worth the hassle to pursue it.

I would love to have the children more but I’m unable to have anyone look after them at 5:30am when I go to work, so they stay with my WW an extra night, but this may work in my favour as letting her have more money from the sale of the house will hopefully prevent any extra payments I may have to make for the children. The contributions I make already, go to their karate, so I know any money isn’t going to her so she can spend it on OM.

Divorce in the UK goes as follows: Adultery, Unreasonable behaviour, Desertion, Two years' separation with consent, Five years' separation without consent.
I have told my WW she can have her divorce after 5 years otherwise she will have to go to court and claim I’m unreasonable and you should have 6-7 counts of unreasonable behaviour before the court will say that the marriage is at the point of irretrievable breakdown. However, some courts in the UK will grant a marriage breakdown simply because one person has submitted divorce papers.

Anyway for Resonance.

I need the house sold as I can move to Plan B. I am starting to hate my WW and to be happy when someone continues to tear you apart is very difficult and this has gone on for 9 months now, because my WW keeps dragging her feet, when decisions need to be made. My boys live with her at her mothers and one of them is sleeping on a camp bed, which is outrageous, so not only for their sake I need to push this along as I need to start to recover myself.

I spoke to the boys yesterday and they have said that OM’s son wants to meet them, but they don’t want to go as it would mean them seeing OM again. I told them they can if they wish but its my WW’s way of thinking they can be one happy family. I have told them that their mother has simply substituted me for someone else but he is trying to bring his son in as well. I told them that his little boy has done nothing wrong so they shouldn’t dislike him, but getting to know him will only let their mother think they will be one happy family and isn’t fair on that little boy.

The funny thing is this A is costing me and I told my WW that I now have money on my credit card because of it. She went on to tell me that as I was in debit I shouldn’t have bought a new TV today. I said you don’t live with me and why are you telling me what I should spend my money on. The debit I’m referring to is the debit you’re A has given me not what I’ve created.

I've read Marks thread and Orchid, both of which are interesting. Its very difficult to talk to WW as when she doesn't want to talk she just cuts me short, but we did laugh today when she was telling me off.

As for OM or (D***head) as I like to refer to him as. He is divorced has a child he sees every other weekend and still lives with his parents and has nothing to loose with all of this. I real top guy NOT!! The boys have seen him twice and I've told them exactly what they are up to and they no longer want anything to do with him. This has slowed things down for my WW and possible prolonged the A. However I would rather they had little to do with him and the A went on longer than him being imposed on their lives more than he has already.

HAF

Just had the agreement signed so that the house can go on the market.I've had the boiler serviced today and ordered our Home Information Pack, which needs to be completed before the house goes on the market officially. I'm currently getting a certificate for our windows and doors done now. And to top it off I have 2 viewings, 1 today and another on Saturday, so all in all things are moving quite quickly. At this rate I hope to be in a new home within 2 months and into Plan B, Hurray!!!

About B***dy Time

HAF