I was getting the boys ready for school this morning and realised that my WW had failed to put a school shirt in for my DS9. There were only 2 shirts in their bag, both for DS7. I asked DS9 to phone his Nanny's house and ask his mother if she could bring a shirt round before we went to school. My FIL answered and said that my WW was in bed and that he would bring it round. Fine! While I'm making breakfast their Grandad drops off the shirt. I then asked the boys if they thought their mother was in bed and they said no. Would you like to find out? Yes comes the reply. So on the way to school we drive past my FIL's and there is no sign of my WW's car, meaning she is with OM and good old Grandad who has always maintained you should always tell the truth has just failed.

I have told my boys that their Grandparents will try to protect their mother and think they are protecting them, but unfortunately they aren't.

When we drive past FIL's house he is stood in their porch and watched us drive past. This will now be passed to my WW and I'll be made out to be the bad one for involving the boys.

This is another very hard lesson my boys have learnt, which really upsets me.

Was I wrong to show them that lies are still being told, or should I have just kept them out of it.

HAF

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WW's family are enabling the a. She has reverted to her teenage years and they are making it all possible.

Unfortunately the children are included in a situation they do not fully understand as they are ,as yet, emotionally immature.

IMO children often blame themselves when parents are unhappy or when something goes wrong.The reality of an a is beyond most adults to comprehend so expecting any kind of understanding from young children is expecting far more than they can deal with at this stage.

You must be careful not to unload your anger and disappointment onto them it could prejudice their ability to form relationships in the future.

I would answer any questions they might ask but be very careful not to use them to alleviate your feelings by turning them against their mother and her family.It should be up to them to
form their own opinions when they are older.

An a is very pervasive it causes endless trouble ,as the Bible says, even unto the third and fourth generation.In my own case my mother had an a when I was about 6yrs old.When my father found out he alleviated his anguish by attacking me. Because it was an easy way to punish my mother emotionally --she always took my side.

At the time I believed that I was to blame for the unhappy atmosphere that filled the house and it has taken me until i had to deal with an a to figure that one out.

I am truly saddened to see your boys having to cope with all of this. You are a very good father to them and they will thank you later but try not to involve them or use them to make your wife feel guilty it wont work. Plan B should lessen the emotional strain on all concerned .

Why can't your MIL be the intermediary?

Thanks H2O for popping in!

I think I understand where you are coming from and I never want to hurt my boys. We do talk a lot about stuff and I ask them if they rather I didn't but they always she they like to talk. These boys have becomes my best friends and we are all in it together. Dr Harley says children need transparency, but I worry sometimes I'm being to transparent.

I think what gets me the lies others tell. I just try to show them what I learn. What was interesting is their mother didn't need to be home in the morning as it was my time with them, but she had to make up an excuse as to why she wasn't there because she knows the boys don't like her seeing this man. However she still insists they boys need to get to know him, but then makes excuses for her actions, what does this tell me.

I can't wait for Plan B and to be honest I not sure I even want to save my marriage any more. But I made an agreement to my wife and God for better for worse and my children deserve that I work damn hard to make it work should that ever happen as they have done nothing wrong. My WW didn't just betray me she betrayed them too.

HAF