I been seeing this term used more and more lately. Frankly, the definition of the word should raise the hairs on the back of one's neck. Affairs breed gaslighting like junkyard dogs breed fleas.

Here it is as a public service <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Gaslighting:

A common form of brainwashing in which an abuser tries to falsely convince the victim that the victim is defective, for any purpose whatsoever, such as making the victim more pliable and easily controlled, or making the victim more emotional and therefore more needy and dependent. {You're reading "Definition of Gaslighting" by J. E. Brown.}

Often done by friends and family members, who claim (and may even believe) that they are trying to be helpful. The gaslighting abuser sees himself or herself as a nurturing parental figure in relation to the victim, and uses gaslighting as a means for keeping the victim in that relationship, perhaps as punishment for the victim's attempt to break out of the dependent role.

Example: If an abusive person says hurtful things and makes you cry, and then, instead of apologizing and taking responsibility, starts recommending treatments for what he or she calls "your depression" or "your mood swings," you are in the presence of a gaslighter.

Perception blaming is a common form of gaslighting, and a common technique for evading the consequences of one's actions. Example: "I'm sorry you perceived my words that way; it wasn't my intention." Translation: "You are perceptually defective. Everyone else in the world can read my mind; if you can't, there must be something wrong with you. Or so I'd like you to believe." Unspoken Message: "My intention should change your actions (even though it didn't change mine)." This presupposes the reasoning "Most people are judged for their actions; but *I* want to be judged for my unseen intentions." For more about this double standard, see Definition of Conceit. {Read this comp1ete article at http://users.aol.com/Relationshop/Definitions/gaslighting.html .}

Etymology: Term is named after the film Gaslight (1944), in which the villain used the technique.

Related: Munchausen Syndrome by Proxy (MSBP).

See also: [b][i] [color:"blue"] Mulan’s Thread On Gaslighting [/color] [/i][/b]

Unfortunately, it's a manipulative technique used in conversations around here too.

Hiya Longhorn

Thanks for the thread reference. Did not know about it.

And as far as gaslighting on this forum, I am shocked, absolutely shocked. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I am gonna go read the thread. I hope there is some reference there to the simple fact that many people who gaslight are clueless they are doing it.

Larry

My pleasure. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Oh good grief *sigh* Same thing. Well, like so many other things in this support, some ideas and concepts bear repeating.

Larry

Yep. I showed you Mulan's thread because it had a good deal of discussion attached I thought you might find interesting.

My husband sometimes does that. What's the proper response?

And what if someone's perception really is defective because they jump to conclusions? When I do something my husband doesn't like, he often attacks my motives and intentions rather than my actions. i.e. "You don't care about my feelings!" or "You're trying to turn the kids against me" (instead of you're too permissive with the kids and I'm tired of being the bad guy.) Not only does it make me mad, but I can't always easily translate. Like in the last example about the kids...I had no idea what he was really complaining about. All I knew was that I would never purposely turn the kids against him, therefore I was being unjustly accused and his complaint was not legit. I eventually got him to tell me what his actual complaint was but not before a HUGE fight.

APH;

Well, since you asked <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />


So off I go to see if there are any pundits, uh, punding on the subject. Lo, and verily, not much out there. Then after six pages of search, here it is, in all its glory. Freshly published in May, 2007, everything you wanna know about gaslighting.

The only flaw I found in the blurbs is that it is assumed that guys are gaslighting women. And from my own experience, women are just as good at gaslighting as males, if not more so. Guys don't buy very many relationship books, so I guess those of us males who have an interest in such things just gotta go with the flow.

Larry



The Gaslight Effect
How to Spot and Survive the Hidden Manipulation Others Use to Control Your Life
Written by Dr. Robin Stern
Category: Psychology & Psychiatry
Format: eBook, 256 pages
Publisher: Broadway
ISBN: 978-0-7679-2782-6 (0-7679-2782-6)

Pub Date: May 1, 2007
Price: $23.95 (Amazon.com, $16.29)

Are You Being Gaslighted?
Check for these telltale signs:
1. You constantly second-guess yourself.
2. You wonder, “Am I being too sensitive?” a dozen times a day.
3. You wonder frequently if you are a “good enough” girlfriend/wife/employee/friend/daughter.
4. You have trouble making simple decisions.
5. You think twice before bringing up innocent topics of conversation.
6. You frequently make excuses for your partner’s behavior to friends and family.
7. Before your partner comes home from work, you run through a checklist in your head to anticipate anything you might have done wrong that day.
8. You buy clothes for yourself, furnishings for your apartment, or other personal purchases thinking about what your partner would like instead of what would make you feel great.
9. You actually start to enjoy the constant criticism, because you think, “What doesn’t kill me will make me stronger.”
10. You start speaking to your husband through his secretary so you don’t have to tell him things you’re afraid might upset him.
11. You start lying to avoid the put-downs and reality twists.
12. You feel as though you can’t do anything right.
13. You frequently wonder if you’re good enough for your lover.
14. Your kids start trying to protect you from being humiliated by your partner.
15. You feel hopeless and joyless.

Your husband crosses the line in his flirtations with another woman at a dinner party. When you confront him, he asks you to stop being insecure and controlling. After a long argument, you apologize for giving him a hard time.

Your boss backed you on a project when you met privately in his office, and you went full steam ahead. But at a large gathering of staff—including yours—he suddenly changes his tune and publicly criticizes your poor judgment. When you tell him your concerns for how this will affect your authority, he tells you that the project was ill-conceived and you’ll have to be more careful in the future. You begin to question your competence.

Your mother belittles your clothes, your job, your friends, and your boyfriend. But instead of fighting back as your friends encourage you to do, you tell them that your mother is often right and that a mature person should be able to take a little criticism.

If you think things like this can’t happen to you, think again. Gaslighting is when someone wants you to do what you know you shouldn’t and to believe the unbelieveable. It can happen to you and it probably already has.

How do we know? If you consider answering “yes” to even one of the following questions, you’ve probably been gaslighted:

Does your opinion of yourself change according to approval or disapproval from your spouse?

When your boss praises you, do you feel as if you could conquer the world?

Do you dread having small things go wrong at home—buying the wrong brand of toothpaste, not having dinner ready on time, a mistaken appointment written on the calendar?

Gaslighting is an insidious form of emotional abuse and manipulation that is difficult to recognize and even harder to break free from. That’s because it plays into one of our worst fears—of being abandoned—and many of our deepest needs: to be understood, appreciated, and loved. In this groundbreaking guide, the prominent therapist Dr. Robin Stern shows how the Gaslight Effect works and tells you how to:
Turn up your Gaslight Radar, so you know when a relationship is headed for trouble

Determine whether you are enabling a gaslighter

Recognize the Three Stages of Gaslighting: Disbelief, Defense, and Depression

Refuse to be gaslighted by using the Five Rules for Turning Off the Gas

Develop your own “Gaslight Barometer” so you can decide which relationships can be saved—and which you have to walk away from

Learn how to Gasproof Your Life so that you’ll never again choose another gaslighting relationship

Thanks for posting this Larry. It's something I want to learn more about.

edit - The book is also available in hardcover.

Larry,

Thanks so much! It's over at Abebooks as well ($11.50). Just so nobody gets the wrong idea, any gaslighting in my marriage is much milder than in some of these examples, but it's frustrating not knowing how to deal with it when it does happen.

Very powerful post, Larry. Thanks for sharing the very existence of that book. I think I'm going to go buy it on payday. Thanks again for adding to the corporate knowledge base.

LH

Okay you marvelous MBers...

I need your help. I've been working on this gaslighting thing for years...was very much apart of my FOO.

Heard a lot of, "Well, you made me hit you" and "If you hadn't made me angry, I wouldn't have done that. I'm sorry you made" stuff.

So...I'm encountering this on MB and not sure if it's me or if it's gaslighting. I'm asking for clarity...no retaliation ('cuz I think it may well be me).

I took perceived a blanket statement posted by someone to mean my DH had been insane. And that I wasn't a responsible person in my advice.

So I responded this way..."What I heard you say was that my DH wasn't sane to stay married to me. Hmmm. Okay. He had his reasons as much as" the person posted to "has hers. It's not one size fits all."

Is this gaslighting by me?

I got a response which that the blanket statement wasn't about me...that I took the blanket statement to pertain to me, then that was me doing it. And that it would be correct if I were in an abusive relationship. Then was told that I was free to defend my position if I desired.

There was a phrase used in the post which was the trigger to FOO stuff. Telling me I'm the nutsy one...so I don't trust my gaslight meter. And changes the tenses...I used past tense...I was a serial cheater in my marriage...and the poster uses the present tense...is that part of gaslighting, guys?

Kinda turned me upside down. We advocate here that if the BS chooses to save their marriage, that they stay in a abusive marriage for now...see where all their choices are, etc. We support and encourage them in Plan A and Plan B...so I'm asking, is this like gaslighting?

I was hearing "I didn't say that. You took it wrong."

Something along those lines. Now...for P/A behavior consideration, I did initiate the exchange directly with the other poster, with a joke...because the concept to me of her and me being married was funny...I own that. Maybe poor joke? Lousy lightheartedness when she had been posting passionately and definitively? Could that be me baiting the tiger, as we call it? P/A behavior from me?

Hmmm.

Swirly.

Appreciate your help. This isn't the only example...just happened to be the one to happen right now...in real time, sort of...because this is like nailing jello to a tree for me.

LA

Oh honestly, LA, so now I am a "gaslighter" just because you took something personally that was not even directed at you? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> I made it clear that I was speaking of ABUSIVE relationships, and NEVER EVEN REFERRED to you in the first place. [unless you are still cheating, then that shoe would fit]

Just because you took something personally that was never directed to you does not mean the person was "gaslighting." I don't think "gaslighting" is none too effective unless directed specifically towards a PERSON, is it? [anyone can see my statement: "A sane person would not and should not stay in an abusive marriage." See dat? It was directed towards onlyucan who IS in an abusive relationship, not you] It was not directed towards relationships where the adultery ENDED and the person changed. Good grief, LA... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Please don't take my comments to another thread and talk about ME and accuse me of being a GASLIGHTER because you can't make your case. If you have an issue with my points, take it directly TO ME instead of using this backhanded, cowardly way of making a point.

Dang it, I was gonna buy the cheap one <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> I have had visitors all day, kids and friends. Been great here. I have had serious NEED of adult companionship for a month at least.

Glad you are getting the book.

Larry

Hi LH - You are very welcome. I am ordering mine on payday as well. THEN, I may decide to come back to this thread a post a bit.

Larry

Interesting topic. To keep it simple (for people like me - <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> ), I think it comes down to how well we know ourselves. Once that has been defined (hope by at least 40 it's solidified - <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> ) then no matter what is said and done around us, we know ourselves and can defend or apologize as needed.

I read the 'gaslight' characteristics....can happen to anyone, how we individually choose to react it what controls the fire.

Got an RB blow torch? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

L.

LA, sometimes gaslighting is a thing done without a conscious desire to do so. The user may not even realize the impact of the words they use and they’ll defend what they’ve said vociferously because they don’t know they’ve done anything wrong.

Sometimes, it's simply a matter of folks choosing words carelessly too.

I can’t quite decipher the response you got from Melody, but I’ve known her as an honorable person who has helped many in the past. Please see if you can apply what she said and ask Melody for more clarification if you need it.

I think your quandary points out a developing problem here on MB. There are too many helpers, myself most definitely included, who have begun distributing their advice in rather imperialistic tones, delivering it (as it were) from on high. That’s a form of arrogance, in my view, that I personally want to curb in myself. I see, to my dismay, there have been times I’ve spoken as if I were sooooo very superior to the one I was trying to help. That’s a form of gaslighting that, to me, is especially vicious and duplicitous. I don’t want to do that ever again.

Thank you for asking your question here on Larry’s thread. I think it will be helpful to others, and I know it sparked something in my mind.

LA, instead of accusing me of being "gaslighter," [not to my face, but over on another thread] why not address the CONTENT of my point? If you disagree with my point and believe it is somehow "sane" to stay in an abusive relationship, then make your case. Is Dr. Harley WRONG for suggesting Plan B to remove the BS from abuse? Calling me a "gaslighter" will not make your case for you and is just a needless diversion from the real issue.

LA


Ummmm, me too. I don't know gaslighting from a hole in the ground, but I am going to learn. I do understand the concept and I have found exactly ONE book on the subject and that is a recent one. So I guess my overall ignorance is okay.

Larry

It's a subject discussed only "in passing" as it were in, for instance, the texts on counseling I have. My brother-in-law says he's seen it mentioned in some behavioral science studies, but it’s a sideline to most researchers’ interests. That may be the only book in print dedicated to the subject, though you can Google it and find many web pages where it’s mentioned. Thanks again for sharing with us.