Bob, I'm sure, but I wonder if I actually need pictures to threaten them with to stop this dead in it's tracks. It has already had some effect, she has not been anywhere since it happened. Not sure how stupid they are, so it may have only slowed them down temporarily until they think up new plans that they 'cannot get caught at'. One thing I can tell you for certain, this is a small mid-west USA town, her employers are a very conservative Christian family and they will both be fired if I go to them with proof. That would be true pretty much any business in this town. Another thing I was wondering. I have worked at 2 of the biggest companies in this town and know a lot of people. I know a couple of the biggest gossips around here, and I have ask both of them if they have heard any rumors about my wife. Surprisingly, they have not. Now they are both bugging me for details about what is going on. Wonder if I should just tell them and turn then loose with it?

All I know is this ; I phoned OMs long term GF and she confornted OM. He calmed her down: convinced her I was a jealous nutcase.

I had to fax her "love letters" as proof before she'd go spider monkey crazy on him and work to end the affair.

Just bear that in mind.

Also I will never forget the SECOND her heart broke when I called her. I almost heard it smash <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />.

You're ahead of her in this. Be strong and kind.

how's it going kiddo ? Check in !

Well, I lost it. Plan A went south on me. My WW turned totally cold on me and said and done some things that I just could not handle. Here's the story.

Saturday, we had a family get together and after it was over, we headed home. We were in separate vehicles because I arrived late after having to work Saturday morning. When we left, all seemed fine, but I got home and she never arrived. After about an hour, I called her cell phone and she told me she was at her brothers and was not coming home. I ask her why and she said she needed to be alone to think, so was staying there. I said 'ok, but after a while I started thinking about it and decided to go over there to see if she was really there. She was not, as I expected. I called her again and ask where she was at. She said 'at my brothers', and I said 'no you're not because I am at your brothers'. She said 'well, it doesn't matter any more'. I told her it does matter to me and that she needed to come home. She said she wasn't coming home. About an hour and half later, she came home and went to bed without saying anything. I left her alone.

The next morning, I got up and went to get coffee, she was sitting on the sofa. She then proceeded to tell me that she does not love me, has never loved me, and that she knows that now because she has found love. She said that I need to leave her alone and stop checking up on where she is because she has never felt so wonderful and does not want to stop feeling that way.

I contemplated all that for a minute and told her I want a divorce. She said that is exactly what she wants. I said 'fine, I'll take care of it'.

This morning she told me that she doesn't really want a divorce and that she needs more time to think about it. I told her if she does not want a divorce she has to end the affair. She said she won't and started proposing some ridiculous scenarios like we live together but she does what she wants to do and she doesn't care what I do. I told her she is insane and that I believe in marriage and the vows we took and that I will not live that way. She ask for more time to think. I ask her to think about what, and she said she doesn't know, that she's confused and can't make a decision.
Then she said she just wants to stay together because of the finances and because of our daughter, but that she does not love me and there will be nothing between us. I said forget it, I won't live like that.

Anyways, I can't go on like this. Does anyone have any advice as to what to do now? I don't want a divorce, but she is really pushing it with her lunacy and saying that she doesn't love me and is in love with this other guy.

Hiya Journeyman.

Well, it looks like its come to a head doesn't it ?

In truth WHATEVER happens, you have only nett lost out if you value the corrupt, poisonous relationship you have with her right now, over a dignified independence.

So - It wasn't exactly good MBing to have your outburst but as happens often, it seems to have provoked some truth from your WW.

She is trying to "cake eat" and you must not enable her to do this !

Tell her that you want a REAT marriage with her, not any kind of open , dirty nonense at the expense of your personal dignity.

You respect yourself too much to be her occasional choice of partner.

Tell her that you want to recover your marriage, but that you requre dignified treatment in order to make that possible.

When your WW chooses to end her affair, and work with you on your marriage, you will work hard too.

Until then, she must do as she thinks is right. But remind her that you respect yourself too much to carry on like this for long.

Sounds hard ?

Thats exactly what I said to Squid.

All blessings

Well, I pretty much told her all of that. I seen her at lunch and she told me that she's confused, that she wants a divorce, but thinks she should wait a while. Wait a while?

I told her that she has 2 choices, marriage or affair + divorce. That's it. I'm starting divorce, if she does not come to me and stop this nonsense, we will be divorced. She is cake eating, she loves it, but I am out of cake. Listen to the nonsense I have to hear every day. She spends an inordinate amount of time trying to convince me that I don't know who the affair is with, a married co-worker. Listen to this crap:

We were just sitting on the sofa yesterday morning drinking coffee and she suddenly announced, 'I'll never tell you who it is'. I said 'I didn't ask you who it is, I know who it is, please shut up about it.' She said 'he's not married'. I said 'yeah whatever, I know, you already told me that. She said 'I would tell the world, but they wouldn't understand, they would think it's wrong because I'm still married'. I said 'I know, you already told me that also, just drop it'. She does this at least 5 times a day if not more.

I really wish that what you told your wife would work with her, but it won't. She is way beyond reason at this point. I would think that this is the peak of the affair if there is such a thing. They're now telling each other they are in love and all that crap and she can't seem to stand being away from him for 10 minutes. Reality can't be far behind, but it may be too late.

Journeyer you have every right to think, feel and act as you do.

Its a sickening teenaged game for some foggy wayward spouses, as with your WW, it seems <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Please just make sure that even as you start D proceedings, you try to remain non judgmental, and plan A as you are able before going into a dark plan B.

This is to remind her what she is chucking away, then showing her what life will be like without you in it.

It will also protect what dwindling love you have left for her.

Your WW is showing classic symptoms of her A falling apart, and deep down its clear she fears losing her life with you.

Really I think its best if you let your WW start D procedings of she wants, unless you no longer want your marriage under any circumstances.

98% of affairs end, Journeyer. Your wife's is starting to smell bad, hence her cake eating.

Your choice to divirce, but I suggest a short sharp plan A then a dead dark plan B. Let her miss you or divorce you, while you live dignified, calm life.

You've done great so far in any case J. God knows I know how hard it is to be calm in the face of an active affair.

I just talked to my attorney. Keep in mind he is a friend of mine. He listened to everything and then ask me if we tried counseling. I told him I suggested it and she totally refuses. His advice was, and he is not a divorce expert, is that she is cake eating and I need to make her stop. That was his exact words.


Yes, that is a very good description of her behavior. She keeps saying things like 'you just couldn't understand, you've never felt like this, you just don't get it' and other foggy headed babble that sounds absolutely ridiculous to anyone who is still grounded in reality.

Think that will last forever? She thinks so. I on the other hand, a mere mortal who's never really been in love, could not possibly understand what this 'Love' is all about. I just don't get it. Do I sound frustrated?

It will certainly not last forever. Its not love, J, its endorphin addction. Really. She is starring in her own movie in her head.

Affairs are delusional fantasies. Your W's is creaking right now.

Well, you certainly gave her food for thought.
Choose between OM and you. Its not perfect marriagebuilding but its more dignified than eating dirt, I know that.

Your mate is probably wise, but you can;t "make" your WW do anything.

You can only bring clear potential consequences of her decisions to her door.

All blessings

Bob, I agree it is surely not MB or plan a anymore. The problem is, she does not respond at all to any of that. She is incredibly arrogant. This morning while we were getting ready for work she was going on and on about how we don't have any money because of me, that I can't save money, that she needs some money, about how I need to do this around the house and that, I'm lazy, blahblahblah. Last week she spent $138 on clothes, $44 for a manicure, and about $60 on Gas to run all over the damn place. I spent $18 on some concrete sealer for our front steps. Never mind those facts though because she is the undisputed queen of gaslighting so I have to believe whatever she says. I did not discuss it with her, there is no discussion with a totally unreasonable person. All of this went on this morning when she should know that I am about to file for D and she had better wake the ****** up because her queen goddess [censored] is about to get knocked off of the golden fence.

Don't D her to punish her Journeyer.

Do it because you want to, but not as a gesture.

WS behave just as horrendously and entitled as your WW is. My own Squid did too.

And just as surely , her A will end, and she will realise the fact sof what she has done and she will feel really dreadful.

This is almost CERTAIN to happen.

I think, unless you are certain you want no more part of her in your life under any circumstances that the thing for you to do is a very dark Plan B.

No contact whatsoever until she comes home under a white flag.

That will allow you to reast from her chaos and will cause her to see that you will NOT be her friend after a divirce: that you will either be in t as her H or not at all.

I am NOT decrying your right to a D, journeyer, I am just saying that its a pretty permanent and painful solution to a situation that is HIGHLY INDICATED not to be only temporary.

I believe you have a good chance of rescuing your marriage, as long as you want to enough to stay your D.

ALL BLESSINGS whatever you choose, friend. God knows I understand how you feel.

Bob, it is certainly not a punishment, I still love her despite all of her cruelty. I know that the best thing is for us to remain a family. But there is no way it will happen until I make her see what it is like on her own with her affair. What I plan on telling her is, 'you want a divorce and that is the right thing because you don't love me anymore and you love OM. We will do this peacefully and divide up our assets fairly. I will keep the home because you are not able to do it financially and you have already said you do not want it anyways.' In my state, after you file, you have 60 days before it is final. Maybe in that 60 days, she will come out of the fog and decide to stay home and rebuild our marriage, maybe not. Even if not, maybe the affair will die and then she will want to come home. I cannot say if I will care anymore by that time, but it is the only way. I have no intention of mistreating her during the 60 days or after the D if it goes through.

That's your right, mate. I don't want to be a broekn record here but plan B is EXACTLY teaching your WW what life is like without ANY of your benefits and only OM ( if he sticks around) and her affair.

If you want her to "look away first" and beg you to call off the D, I think the timescale of withdrawal is wrong for that I am sorry to say. Her entitlement and rationalisation might just make her think " f' you!" .

At least talk to some of the plan B folks on general questions 2.

Divorce is a noble option for you now, matey, but its far from pain free.

All blessings.

Bob, I know you have given me some great advice. I'm listening.


Umm, I'm feeling dumb here, can you point me to a link? I'm not sure where to go. I will definitely post here and ask questions because I know nothing about plan B. I studied up on plan A because I thought I would be doing it for a few months, but WW had surprises in store for me.

I have a confession to make. I have always thought my wife is one of the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. She is without doubt very attractive, I have always been told that by everyone I know. But when I looked at her at lunch today, all I could see was ugliness. I am sorry to say that, but it's true.

all I could see was ugliness.

I know exactly what you mean J. I looked at my baby when she was filled with entitlement and saw only spite and hatefulness too.

Believe me when I say MOST WS repent and you can see beauty in her again one day.

"General Questions 2" is the busiest questions board on this site. It CAN be a bit of a bear pit, but you can also get opinion and help from far wiser folks than me there.

If you click on teh "index" button near the top of this screen, you'll see a list of all the forums you can post on regarding infidelity. Choose the one called " general questions II " and post there.

Tell you what, have a read there first and see if you see it helping OK ?

Ok, I found it. I posted there a topic named 'plan B or Divorce?

Thanks

Man, I sure don't see her repenting right now, she told me flat out that even if the affair dies she does NOT want me. She was icy cold when she said it. I sure hope you are right, but it seems impossible right now. I think the only possibility is if the affair dies AND she is losing her comfy lifestyle on top of that. Then she may come back for security, but I don't think the love will come back for a long time, it is long gone, lost in the fog.

Journeyer
Manfromzog married his affair partner many years ago. He was an OM / WH and his now W was a WW / OW.

Their situation is like your WW marrying OM down the line and having marriage trouble.

Just thought you might find that useful to know.

Hows today been by the way ?

Bob,

I been talking to Manfromzog, but did not realize all the stuff you just told me.

I just can't imagine my WW marrying OM. She is psycho jealous, I put up with that for years(she had no reason for it), and he is a long term womanizer. She would probably kill him, or he would wish he was dead, which would be fine with me.

Today is just as strange and unpredictable as many other days since D day. Since Saturday she has stayed home and been a good girl. Nothing new, she does this occasionally, I think when OM is not in the mood for her or has to do things with his wife and family. But she was on the computer last night sending him text messages online.

A friend of mine is encouraging me to hire a PI and get some nice pics of WW and OM together. A friend of hers did this to her WH and used them to settle him down when he started getting nasty over the D. I have the same thought because I am afraid she will try the same. Or, best case, I use the pics to expose if I decide the M is salvageable.

J, exposing to OM's Wife is the best thing you can do to stop her affair and keep NC secure.

I know it feels wrong but its right right right.

Nothing like having OM dodge crockery for a while to make the affair appear not worth it.

re MFZ, it sno biggie, its great if you feel you can advise him.

I know some folks can't though. I'm one.