I hear you, Believer. My ex and her affair partner married, as I said only a week after our divorce, but they were themselves divorced barely 10 months later, if memory serves. Turns out he liked to beat up women when they didn't toe the line. Like you, I wondered just what the whole point was. I got beyond it though. I was coming out of my depression nicely and my daughters badly needed their father in their lives.

Thanks, LH....through all of this, there is just one big glaring fact staring me right in the face...I can't get around it or through it....

I AM NOT GOD

And much as I'd like to know everything there is to know, I cannot. All of these problems, here and everywhere, just reinforce a billion-fold our need for Christ.

The only thing I know to do for SURE as far as this topic is concerned, is to pray.

Amen.

NOW

My wife told the OM to get lost. He did. About a month later, he started hunting again. Coupla weeks later, he hooked up. Three months later she moved in. Some months after that they got married.

So much for ILU till the end of time no matter what you do and no matter that you will stay with Larry, for now. I will wait as long as it takes.

I saw the email. Yawn. . .

Larry

None of us are God, NOW. All we can do is decline to place our judgment above His. We must share His love, mercy, and forgiveness as best we can with others we meet along the way. To do anything else is to deny Him.

I will wait as long as it takes

LOL <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Larry I found OMs "love letter" to Squid. it said "i'll wait for you one year or ten years my one true love".

I faxed it to his GF to expose and within ten minutes he was dodging crockery. Squid secretly called him to see he was OK and he told her to F off and die. Quite a turnaround in nine days.....

He has worked diligently on his relationship with his youngest son and GF ever since.

^Bump^

I don't want to get too far away from the purpose of this thread. If you’re not in recovery, and you’re depressed "Affair Marriages" exist, please contact me, or join in this thread. I'm a victim of an "Affair Marriage" and I'll be glad to walk with you through the problems you're having with this. I'm sure others will chime in to help also.

LH

To be honest LH I * AM * hurt by discussion of A-marriages, but I am also in a sound recovery.

But in the spirit of your comment I shall withdraw.

To schedule an appointment with Steve Harley, you may use one of two options:

Call toll-free 1 (888) 639-1639
or
e-mail (counsel@marriagebuilders.com)

those are great options pep, for those who can afford it.
there is no way in he** i could afford thier rates. i'd have had to take out a small loan to do it. i am just common working folk here trying to finish my education degree. no matter how badly i may have wanted to save my marriage at one time, calling the harleys was financially not an option for me.

for those who can't, you are more than welcome to come here. OR, find a pro-marriage counselor if you are trying to save your marriage, or a good counselor that can help with depression, etc, or for whatever issues you are facing. there are ones who work on a sliding scale or who take insurance.

i saw an excellent woman for over a year who thankfully took our insurance. she was a tremendous help.

mlhb

My father left my mother and married his OW. They remained married for 9 years, but it was a disaster. OW had a different man's child (I consider him my brother). They both cheated on each other constantly throughout the M. It was a nightmare. My father has since married 2 other times.

Affair marriage=not good. Even if they stay together and it looks good on the outside, I don't believe it can be very good on the inside. Especially if there are kids involved. They can never make it up to them. I am living proof. I have forgiven my dad, but wow, what a ride he took me, my mom, my brother and sister on.

There is no doubt, RLT, the overwhelming majority of "Affair Marriages" do not work out. As I noted from my own life, my ex's "Affair Marriage" didn't even last a year. Statistically, the number of those that DO manage to forge a strong interpersonal relationship is vanishingly small, but there is a tiny, tiny percentage of them that do.

As for your father, please accept my sincerest sympathy at what you had to go through. I know your anguish from the point of view of a betrayed husband and I can believe it must have been much worse from a child's point of view.

It is good you have forgiven him. I'm convinced if someone holds that kind of anger inside, it will destroy the individual and that's too sad to contemplate. Thanks for sharing, RLT. You stay strong, okay?

Ive refrained from posting on this topic because it was just too contentous. However.... ( why is there always a "however"?)

I grew up in an affair marriage household. My mother left my father for my fathers best friend. They (my mother and the OM) have been married 27 years. I eventually came to something like acceptance but it has warped my perspective on relationships forever. It wasnt until last year that I developed a reasonably civil relationship with my Mom. I hated what she did to us. We didnt have a picture perfect family but it WAS a family.

I saw first hand the destruction wrought by these marriages. I saw what it did to 2 families, to my sister, myself and my step sister. All of us are damaged by this relationship between "soul mates" who I should add are unhappily married. Why they stay together, I do not know.

Now, as an adult - I am facing my worst nightmare. I am attempting to recover from what is to me the worst possibly betrayal. I carry the scars of my mothers choices and now that of my H's.

I feel for MFZ. What he is going through is a betrayal just like a betrayal any of us have endured. Because of my own issues, I cannot and do not post to him as I do not respect the choices in his life he has made that brought him here.

Am I wounded by his posts? Deeply. But, I just ignore them and read and post where I am comfortable.

adultery getting married to itself = wellspring of generational misery

JK... I am sorry for the hurt you have had to deal with as a result of your mothers actions. I pray you find peace in your life and relationships.

JK, I hope you can work on, not an acceptance, but a forgiveness of your mother that transcends acceptance of what your mother did. Please don’t let the bitterness remain in your soul. It will eat you alive and it’ll get in the way of your own recovery. I’ve exposed a lot of my life I would have sworn I’d never do this time last week, so let me tell you a little story that shows even more.

My ex wasn’t very discreet about her affair. She dragged her children into it, thinking they’d never understand why mom was meeting this guy in strange places. My youngest daughter has never forgiven her mother for what my daughter (at age 4) saw while my ex was involved with her OM. The rage in my daughter still exists today (she’ll be 39 in October) and she cannot stand to be in the same room with her mother for longer than the length of time needed to walk out. She cannot forgive, she can’t let go, and it’s slowly killing her.

With all the agony and anger inside her, I’m sure it’ll be no surprise to you to hear she has substance abuse problems, she can’t keep a job, and she has been unable to hold on to good relationships. She has four children, aged 17 down to 9, but they are all with separate fathers and one is in the custody of one of my daughter’s cousins.

JK, what “Affair Marriages” have done to me, to my daughters, and to my grandchildren can’t be measured on any scale I know of. I’ve been able to forgive my ex, but her children cannot and my ex will probably die a very lonely woman. If I were to hold the rage I’ve felt in the past tightly in my heart, I would be a bitter man indeed, but I choose to let it go. With God’s love, I’ve gotten past it and I will not place my anger above God’s teachings of forgiveness and charity to others.

I don’t think Zog will mind if you don’t post to him. He fully understands why many won’t. However, please don’t be angry at me while I try to reach beyond myself and help him find his way back to his wife, okay?

Hang in there, JK.

Im not angry at you, Longhorn. On the contrary. I respect what you are doing. You are a better person than me because you CAN. I admire that. Youve taken alot of hits this week and have dug in, so good for you.

Funny thing, this topic. It wasnt until all this started that I came to realize that all the anger I had towards my Mom for the past 28 years was because of the choices she made. I didnt ever really understand why I felt the way I did. I do now, so this topic has been carthartic in some ways.

My first husband had an affair. We divorced. A few years later, I met the current Mr JK. One of the reasons why I picked him was because he made me believe he would never, ever have an affair. I was safe, finally.

Fast forward 7 years......

Part of the OP handbook? No kidding I have a letter sent to *me* from the xOW telling me she had told FWH she would wait 20 years for him. She said to me in this letter (and I kid you not) that out of consideration for me she would cut that time in 1/2, factor in the two years the A had already been on..that would make it 8 years she would wait for him. If I was game, she would "share" for that period of time and if I still wanted him after that she would let go. The kicker was the end of the letter where she said "game on". *vomitpukevomitpuke*

^Bump^

I don't want to get too far away from the purpose of this thread. If you’re not recovered, and you’re depressed that "Affair Marriages" exist, please contact me, or join in this thread. I'm a victim of an "Affair Marriage" myself, and I'll be glad to walk with you through the problems you're having with this. I'm sure others will help also.

Ooops...whole lotta cross posting goin' on. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

FTR, my mother married her OM. My father, though having moved on with his life, still is angry at my mothers husband and will not be in the same room with him. Funny thing, my mother's H feels the same about my dad? Why? I would suspect some left over feeling of inadequacy or perhaps because us kids never fully accepted him. The absolute blackened fields of hurt those two left in their wake to be together is astounding. He had 3 kids and there were 4 in my family. My younger brother was essentially raised by my dad alone. I bounced back and forth so much I pretty much raised myself as a teen.

Then I became a WW. I woke up one day to realizing I was becoming my mother and that scared me! I was doing to my kids what she had done to me. I stopped. I ended my affair. Eventually as an adult I forgave my mother.

Now she has Alzheimers and you wanna know the irony? Occassionally she rewrites her history and inserts my dad into the last 30 years that she has been m'd to her OM husband.

Karma, it does catch up with you.