Post deleted by PrayersNeeded

PN:

WOW.

Divorce your H.

Fix yourself.

Really. Your H claims to be an "Addict"

But you have issues as well.

I'm glad you posted. Detailing all this stuff has a way of allowing you to see all the things that are wrong.

Does your H love you? Don't know. But I doubt if he truly understands the word.

Do you love yourself? Until you can, I would leave my clothes on.

I do not mean to be harsh, but this M is doomed. And the next one as well.

As an aside:

Were you sexually molested as a child? I do not ask this question lightly. The behaviors you are exhibiting now usually indicate previous abuse.

Please, slow down until you fix yourself.

LG

Hello, I can relate to almost everything that you said...

It sounds like you let the pendulum swing from one extreme to the other...

My history is similiar and I am so sorry that you find yourself in this sitch today...however, part of this is the consequences of YOUR actions...

Allowing OP into your marriage, etc...I'm not trying to bash you, please DON't think that...I made the same mistake, and fought SOOOO hard to remove this aspect from my M...

However, it got to the point that I was SO overwhelmed and STBX was still looking for OW...for MY sanity, I had to remove myself...presently I'm in IC and doing some good work...

My STBX said that there was nothing wrong with him and didn't need to change! OKay, my only option was to change me, becasue I wasn't going to allow this kind of lifestyle...I wasn't the one who actively looked for OP, he was! Surfing AFF fro hours, talked to OW, etc...

I found that I was angry all the time, and extremely unhappy...then he confessed A later on in the M...I was traumazied(?)...from that day forward, I made an effort to work on the M to no avail...

I think that it does get to the point that the WS is ADDICTED and YOU can do NOTHING about this as far as he is concerned...BUT YOU can take care of yourself...

I started here and then chose to go to Al-anon to help my deal with his A, and my pain...the hardest decision in my life was to leave for my health...

Sweetie, I know that this is not what you want to hear...I understand the pain that you are going through...I hear you! ANd I AGREE with LG...but of course this is entirely your decision!

I'm willing to support you and share my strenght, hope, and experience!

(((Prayers))))

PN - Prepare for some 2x4s. Not to start a firestorm, but your marriage was doomed from the beginning. You mention God in your post and even your screen name suggests that you are seeking God. If you're really serious about your relationship with God, then you need to repent for the sin in your FIRST marriage and then let this one go.

I think you have deeper issues than MB can help you with. I agree with LG, you need to divorce your current husband. Your entire current marriage was based on sex... beginning with each other in an adulterous relationship, then after you married with other men, with other women.

Please hear me. I am NOT condemning you. It took courage to come here and post your story. But until you resolve your own issues (loving yourself), you will never have a healthy relationship.

God CAN help you. You've come clean with us. Come clean with Him. Stop your lifestyle. Turn around. Find a Christian counselor. Let your WH go. He has his own issues to deal with. Let God take care of him... and you.

I have to be honest here.

First I'm not a MB expert, I am just a Pastor.

Second, there are so many things that need to be said about your post that I'm sure I will miss many.

I'm not even sure where to begin.

Let's just look at your marriage dynamic for a moment. It was built on a MUTUAL affair, was maintained by MUTUAL affairs, and is now being destroyed by MUTUAL affairs.

Don't overlook the word MUTUAL here. I here you say that you knew you were wrong, but still don't here you owning up to the fact that you dropped your pants to anyone of the opposite sex anytime you felt like it.

Which leads me to my next point which is that you BOTH have a sex addiction in my opinion. NEITHER of you can control yourselves for five minutes apart without trying to go out and find someone to sleep with. You BOTH need to seek counseling for your addictions.

Also you talk about cheating. How in the world do you draw a line in the sand and call something cheating when from day one you invited other women into your marriage bed and then when that wasnt' enough, you decided to go out and start sleeping with other couples?? Then you get upset when he does it without you. Doesn't make a lot of sense to me.

There are many other issues but I'll move on to this:

You have ZERO of a foundation to your marriage. You tried to build your marriage on a sandy beach during a hurricane and are now seeing it come crashing down

You have spit on, degraded, burned, and basically nuked your marriage bed. The marriage bed is sacred. It is a place where a married man and woman can come to enjoy the Godly gift of sex that He has given us. You have shown that that sanctity means nothing to you (and I mean both of you). How could the two of you ever have sex again without constant reminders of the other people that have helped to destroy your sacred place??


I'll be honest here. I'm very pro marriage. I think divorce should always be off the table unless there is physical or other abuse of a spouse or child.

But truthfully....I can really see no way for you to rebulid your marriage. You both would have to be willing to completely, 100% with no reservations have to commit to getting rid of any and every thing that could possibly lead you down this road again and I just don't see that as a possibility considering you BOTH somehow NEED more than what is offered in a marriage.

Him being on his forth marriage and willing to jump in the sack with anyone and your willingness to jump in the sack with anyone does not bode well for your future in a marriage. ANY MARRIAGE for that matter.

My advice...and I really can't believe I'm saying this....get a divorce and get some very serious help for you. Spiritually, emotionally, physcologically and any other way you can. You need it.

And if you don't want to divorce. Get a legal seperation and both of you deal with your problems and get healthy in all the ways mentioned above. Then and only then do I think you even have a SMALL chance at saving your marriage.

Please forgive me for being so blunt and negative, but you have to take a step back and re-read what you wrote and try to absorb what has happened in your life and then ask yourself if that is a situation that sounds like it even has a glimmer of hope.

PN,

I believe your prayers are being answered right here, in this thread.

Listen for God's voice...he's answering you. From love.

LA

I happen to diagree that MB has nothing to offer you...as far as personal recovery...understanding what MAKES a good M...a healthy M...

As far as your M NOW, no, I agree that...

But the concepts and principles taught here, I feel that they COULD BE helpful to you...but you have to want it...you have to want to understand yourself and what it takes to be healthy, first with yourself and then with M...

PN,

Were you sexually abused as a child or teen? Your acting out and seeking acceptance and confirmation from men through sex sounds classic of someone who was abused as a young woman.

PN,

As a married person one of the things think really hurts an M is when a person makes a drastic change in an M.

For instance if I had a list of things I desired from a W and I found a person that met thost things I might get very upset when they changed that.

For instance if I am a neat freak and I shopped around until I met another neat freak and we coexisted well I would ask her to M me and life would be great. If she decided to be a slob there would be problems.

If I liked to be cooked a nice meal I would find someone that enjoyed cooking.

Your current H liked having sex with you and others. You seemed to be the right person for him. You presented yourself as a person that would sleep with other women and men because you liked sex.

Now you don't like the idea anymore and you want him to change and you think he has a problem.

I would say if I were him I wouldn't change. You knew what you were getting into when you decided to leave your H because you Loved sex. Now you get it and it appears you want what your first H gave you.

I do not agree with the life style but I would say you knew it when you got into it.

If you know I watch football all day on Sundays before we get Married don't complain about it after we get married.

Just because your belief system changed, for the better in my opinion, doesn't mean his should.

I would personally cut my losses, get some counseling and try to make better decesions in the future.

I would also recommend making amends to your first husband.

Now you are starting to see how he felt.

Wow!!! You all seem to agree that I should divorce this man, but I do not agree. I have hit rock-bottom and recommitted my life to Christ. I am starting S-Anon meetings and am working through workbooks, etc. available on the internet. I am in recovery and am committed to it, even if he does decide to end the marriage.

I understand your responses...but you are basing them on nothing more than what you see in print. You do not know the level of emotion and love the two of us have shared. Nor how deep our actual friendship and partnership has been, aside from anything sexual. I know that the relationship started out shaky and his behaviors have never stopped and that I retailiated in the most inappropriate manner but I have made a committment to walk the right path. My faith tells me that he will follow. (1 Peter 3:1-2).

I may be wounded but I am not broken and I have surrendered my burdens to God. There is nothing He cannot handle. I know that with the help of God and each other and counseling we can build on the REAL LOVE that exists between us and become healthy people in a healthy relationship. It is never too late to start over. We may have destroyed our past, but the future is ours to create. We can be reborn and live a new life. (2 Corinthians 5:17)

Again, I understand your comments. But there is much more to this relationship than can be expressed on print and I know that the Lord can overcome any obstacle.

Thanks.

Post deleted by PrayersNeeded

First of all, you left your 1st marriage because you were having an affair. Sure things were not good in the marriage, but you didn't and weren't going to leave until you started having feelings for someone else.

Secondly, this current marriage is a sham. Your husband was never in love with you or is your soulmate. Your husband is a sex addict that loves the rush of a new relationship and then throws it away when the rush is over. He is not marriage material. The fact that he is on his 4th marriage is proof that he won't change. He didn't change after the first three, and you aren't going to change him.

You may have truly found God, but he hasn't. If you do believe in God, then you would understand that He considers this marriage a sham, especially how you got together. In his eyes you are still bound to your first husband. You need to get out of this relationship, go to counseling and do some personal healing, fix your issues, and only then (2 years down the road) should you start looking for a relationship again. No more swinging, sex sites, or anything. Sex should be reserved only between a husband and wife.

I'm real happy you are trying to get your life right with God.

Other than that, your views are so skewed it isn't even funny. You have allowed your brain to be rewired into the 'lifestyle' way of thinking.

Take your last sentence "up until that point I had never even attempted to cheat on my husband".

Regardless of what 'lifestyle' you are in, have sex with anyone outside of your husband wether you have permission or not is cheating, adultery, fornication or any other term you want to put on it.

You also state that you cheated out of retaliation, but from your first post you mentioned that you wanted to make sure that passion was kept in your marriage so YOU invited other women into your bed. YOU stated you wanted to start swinging and now YOU are going on and on about how HE cheated and you were just retaliating.

Sorry, but your head isn't clear right now. You are in a VERY thick fog.

Yes, the Lord with help you and cleanse you from all unrighteosness, but we must approach him with a broken heart for what we've done ADMITTING what we have done and repenting of it.

I just don't see you owning up to your responsibility in this but rather taking a victim role in this.

Take responsibility for this, then rest in the Lord. You are correct in that He is all powerfull and can do anything, but we must come before Him sorrowfull for what we've done and that all starts with being honest with ourselves and taking responsibility for our actions.

I pray you indeed continue on your walk and grow closer to the Lord.

PN,

I know you don't listen to swingers now...their advice is justification for staying in that lifestyle. You've changed yours.

Listen to reality here...marriage, for two people only...even if you had given each other permission...you were unfaithful to The Marriage.

You, him and The Marriage.

This was a stunning concept for ME when I came here...and others. You aren't alone. You aren't being dogged...you're being told the truth.

That high emotions you both experienced? Love addiction can kick those puppies into high gear...and if you choose to live backwards, from your resulting emotions (which come from your beliefs), then you will spiral in life. Not what God had in mind.

He made you to soar.

Do you believe if you had put as much effort, focus and commitment to changing yourself as you are doing now, with your first H, that there would have been SF and intimacy issues? You were half that marriage. Because you didn't understand your power, you chose to leave a faithful partner. You saw it as unchangeable. Now that you know it was, reading Harley's materials, what do you feel as a result?

And you married a man...are his fourth wife...now that you understand he has far greater problems with real intimacy (because SA's fear intimacy above all else...which is why they hold secrets so deeply), can you see where this is initially an attraction for you, and then a frustration?

That's coming from you, about you...get to know your own fears...of abandonment and intimacy...what you see SF used for...and how it is sacred within marriage...and where you have used it as a weapon...which kills intimacy...and you chose to do that.

Getting to know yourself, all your choices...how acting in your highest honesty (posting the whole truth here, and not as you did before)...owning your half frees you...ownership does what blame falsely promises.

You may hear blame right now...I ask you to choose to hear these posters coming at you with The Truth...which you've had shaded and hidden from you, and done to yourself, as well.

Living free is choosing to live in and from truth. Respect. Love. Not reactively from fear.

When you read that you cheated throughout your marriage, I am not condemning you. Was your choice. You chose to hear justifications as truth and they aren't. When either of you puts anyone inside your marital boundary, it's cheating. Whether that is emotionally or physically. The boundary goes around both of you...so you can honor The Marriage, even when you don't "feel" like honoring your partner. Same place we come from when we act from our love, even when we don't have loving feelings. The actions will bring the feelings in their wake.

Until I got that (in these last three years), I was lost. I justified, rationalized and terrorized my DH trying to make him give me what I wanted...you're not alone and you're not crazy, bad or wrong. God made you whole, complete and marvelously...get to know your authentic self and not that self-image which believed she could control (through any means necessary) her WH...betray herself to keep him...which is fantasy. Serving self-image is worshipping a false idol. Don't do it anymore.

Your choices have always been and will be your own. See them. Know your power and your limits. So you can live freely, 'k?

LA

PN,

I agree with what the others are saying

My Point though is you stated that YOU wanted to bring other women so you guys didn't get bored.

I know that If that was a criteria for me as a man to get married I wouldn't give it up.

I again don't agree with it. However if I said "the only way for me to get married is to have an open M" then that is what I would want.

I again don't agree with your H but if that is what he wanted and you portrayed yourself as a willing partnere so be it.

He has a right to decide if the M is important enough for him to quit cheating on you I guess but considering he was cheating on his fist wife with you the odds of that are not very good.

You have changed and he hasn't.

You mentioned the other things you shared. IMVHO they were tarnished.

PN:

I responded first.

Ok, Don't get divorced.

But decide now, to fix yourself.

Because if you fix yourself, if you start living within your own body and allow no one else to violate it, (And I can imagine the Memorial Day Weekend in THAT hotel room, which you can't recall. Yeah, some men can redress you afterward.) then you can become the woman you imagine.

I read your story and thought: "Man, to be 22 and single right now! What the internet opens up now....)

Please, center yourself. Thru God or whatever.

We can help you get there.

We can get harsh, but I do not think you can't be saved.

Center yourself.

Get control of yourself, and the rest is easier.

LG

frognomore,

First, swinging was not a condition of our marriage. He always said it was fun, but not a requirement. Second, having sex with anyone without me was never acceptable and he was doing that even when we were swinging. So he did not start having sex with other women when I took the swinging out of the relationship...he was already doing that.

But you are right about me changing and he hasn't.

Thank you for your input.

"I made some bad choices. But the Lord will guide me to rebuild my life."

Very true... he will guide you, mainly because you are now listening.

PN,

You are defending an indefensible position. You should have never allowed swinging in your M. You should have never cheated on your first H. You should have never married the person you left your H for. You need to sit back and take a look at the mess you've made of your life, ask God's forgiveness for everything (the adultery, the swinging, etc.), make amens for your mistakes, and start over. This is not the man to start over with. Your whole M was a sham, based on lies, deception, and sexual addiction. Your M to your first H is more legitimate than your current M. Start fresh.

jmwc95,

Okay. This has gone on far enough. I AM TAKING RESPONSIBLITY. The title of my post is "How I wrecked my marriage". I haave stated that I am in recovery and seeking help for myself. I do not know how much more clear I can be about that.

I would appreciate no further comments from you.

I am in a very fragile state as it is and you are obviously not the person to help in any way. Honesty is one thing. But you are down right rude.

Thank you. I will take your advice and put it where it belongs.