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I don't think any of you are really reading what I write. What I wrote was what I DID (singing. etc.) I DID (that's past tense) to try to keep him happy. It did not work. I was the one who ended swinging long ago. I have no plans..no I will not return to swinging. My plans are to begin recovery. It is not that I will take him back "no matter what" and do for him whatever he wants. I will, and would love for him to come back and WORK on the marriage..that includes therapy for both of us. But he does not want to. I DO NOT BLAME MYSELF that he does not want to work on the marriage. He finds it easier to move on. He is the one who does not want to work on this. I have offered, begged and done what I can do. If he doesn't love me enough to do that, I cannot change it. I have to worry about me.
I have rededicated myself to the Lord and I intend to walk HIS path.
Are we clear now??
Thank you for your comments and advice.
Signed, Truly & Lovingly, PrayersNeeded
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Okay, I understand, no more swinging. I was writing more as a response to the other poster. You found out that trying to placate someone to keep them from leaving will not work. The only true and tested ways of protecting your marriage are found here at marriage builders. 1. The Rule of Protection: Avoid being the cause of your spouse's unhappiness.
2. The Rule of Care: Meet your spouse's most important emotional needs.
3: The Rule of Time: Give your spouse your undivided attention.
4. The Rule of Honesty: Be completely honest with your spouse.
Jim BS - 32 (me) FWW - 33 Married 8/31/03 No kids (but 3 cats) D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA) NC agreed to - 11/8/06 NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07 Status - In Recovery Jim's Story
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PN,
Question. Did you and your husband know each other during your previous marriages? Were you "friends"?
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PN,
Question. Did you and your husband know each other during your previous marriages? Were you "friends"? basically .... YES from her 1st post In 2003, I found myself in the 7th year of a not-so-good marriage. My husband and I were excellent roommates and best friends, but we had no intimacy left for each other. We had not had sex more than 10 times in the last 5 years of our marriage. We had been to therapy. I had read all the books. I went back to school. I feng shuied the house. I did everything I could and he just liked things the way they were. I was approaching my 30th birthday and I just felt like I was just too young to live like I was that old. So I came up with the brilliant idea of having my marriage and getting my sex elsewhere. I joined an sex oriented adult internet site and began meeting men. I even had a gang bang. I was 19 again. The problems started when I realized that my marriage was missing more than sex. It was missing intimacy carressing, holding hands.. all that stuff that makes a woman feel like a woman. I found myself longing for the days that I would meet someone else so that I would have someone to talk to, the moments of laying on a mans chest and talking about our lives. It was not just the sex. There was one particular man that I thought about constantly and wanted to see all the time. I ran up a $300 cell phone bill talking to him. Somehow I could justify having sex with someone else, but I could not justify wanting a relationship with someone other than my husband. This is when I asked for a divorce.
The divorce went very smooth and we are still best friends. We both knew that we had been over for a long time. Soon after I filed for divorce and my husband moved out, the man I met online, and adored so much, moved in with me. He too was in the process of a divorce. His was finalized on Jan 21,2004 mine on Feb 9, 2004. We were married on Feb 14, 2004. He became my second husband and I became his 4th wife. I believed and still believe he is the love of my life. I hate the term... but he is my soul mate. so very Godly, is it not?
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Cripes! What is this anyway "ADULTERY-BASED MARRIAGE WEEK" at MB???!!! Lordy lordy .... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />
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oh, so you married your affair partner... yet another roach crawls out from behind the wall? You know... this chick all the components... she's married her A partner, she's now given her life over to God, she knows the error of her ways...but this one goes even further, she was a swinger.
Sorry folks, I am not buying this milk. I smell a troll....another troll.
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maybe its LH exercising his imagination!
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MEDC:
Is it possible to be an EX critter? I did get a chance to label her STBX one - made my day.
Larry
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YEP..You can be an EX critter...but there is always a record of your critteriness!
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PN wrote: I found myself longing for the days that I would meet someone else so that I would have someone to talk to, the moments of laying on a mans chest and talking about our lives. It was not just the sex. There was one particular man that I thought about constantly and wanted to see all the time. I ran up a $300 cell phone bill talking to him. Somehow I could justify having sex with someone else, but I could not justify wanting a relationship with someone other than my husband. This is when I asked for a divorce.
The divorce went very smooth and we are still best friends. We both knew that we had been over for a long time. Soon after I filed for divorce and my husband moved out, the man I met online, and adored so much, moved in with me. He too was in the process of a divorce. His was finalized on Jan 21,2004 mine on Feb 9, 2004. We were married on Feb 14, 2004. He became my second husband and I became his 4th wife He cheated WITH you, and now he's cheating ON you.
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Ya know folks this is getting very tedious.
This woman comes her looking for advice. It is clear that she needs help with her perspective on things. It is clear that she sees at least some of the error of her ways. It is clear that she needs some help. Some posters have offered some comments and I think helpful ones.
And then come the comments that really don't help at all. Her walk with God is just starting. Her walk into a new life is just starting. Let's help her see some realities and I have confidence she will end up heading in the right direction.
So can we lay off of the affair marriage stuff? If you don't want to help her, stop posting. If her situation offends you, stop posting. The idea here is to show her what a healthy marriage is. The idea is to give her information that will help her face her future and perhaps one day have a marriage that is real and good.
If this is too much there are many on this site than can use help...pick one.
JL
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Okay, here's what I would suggest doing.
1. I would divorce him. Hard for you, I know because you love him but its the first step in healing YOU.
2. I would make a commitment to be on my own for a term (3+ years) and work solely on yourself.
3. Work on building your self esteem. You deserve better than what you have settled for in the past.
4. Make freindships with people who respect themselves and are respectful of others. People who live by a moral compass and not by their feelings. People who's actions match their words.
5. Apologize to your ex-husband regardless if you think he's fine with it all and also to your current H's ex-wife.
Jo
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here's my advice
divorce
do not date for 2 years
go to church
read
write
exercise
go without sex until you are married
and don't go to the hardware store to buy ice-cream
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I guess I don't understand why so many are saying "divorce him". In the case of a serial cheater I think this is probably good advice. My understanding is they are pretty hopeless.
The world of swinging and open marriages that you and your husband were involved in puts a different spin on serial cheating. The rules are not so black in white in this world. You try to be open and honest about all the 3rd parties but sometimes the situations just don't work out for it to be that way. Unlike a normal marriage, these secrets are treated much more lightly.
Actually that's the big problem with the lifestyle. Everything become gray. Boundaries are always changing. When problems arise there is no safe haven of a marriage to fall back on. You get depressed. You try different tactics to fix the problems. Nothing works. Everything becomes a nightmare.
So I know you are frustrated that your husband won't join you in counseling. Let him go, for now. But don't just toss him away with divorce. You need to get your bearings with IC and support groups and put some normal back in your life. After that you should be prepared to Plan A with good boundaries. Like I said earlier it won't change his behavior but it does allow him to see the new you and the old you in a different light. But be prepared to Plan B. At some point he needs a big dose of reality without you in his life.
You are in my prayers! Also thanks to the others for helping to shoo away the "affair based marriage" zealots that offer nothing to this thread.
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So, you Chachanges have so much to offer by telling her what she wants to hear?
There are lots of swinger sites - maybe if that is all that she wants- to hear what she wants to hear-she'd be better off posting in their forums.
Not all marriages can or should be salvaged.
What about her personal growth and recovery?
I agree with Pep and Resiliant - she should divorce and go through a long period of personal recovery before attempting to date again.
Even if she is no longer into the swinging scene, it would benefit her to heal before trying to heal a marriage that is so broken.
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"forsaking all others"
seems pretty much like a boundary promise to me
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Resilient and Pep have offered great advice. You should consider following it. If you wish for your situation to remain a mess, Chachanges would be the person to follow. Plus, with him, you have the benefit of possibly getting pointers on the swingers scene.
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chachanges,
Her current husband IS a serial cheater before swinging, and that is black and white. She is his 4th wife, and guess how he met her - He cheated on his 3rd wife with her! This man cannot be changed (by her anyway).
Jim BS - 32 (me) FWW - 33 Married 8/31/03 No kids (but 3 cats) D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA) NC agreed to - 11/8/06 NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07 Status - In Recovery Jim's Story
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Pepperband,
"so very Godly, isn't it?"
That was the past, this is the present and my future.
2 Corinthians 5:17
When anyone is joined to Christ he a new being, the old one is gone, the new one has come.
God does not need your approval to accept and love me. He loves me as I am and as I was and in anything I do.
Signed, Truly & Lovingly, PrayersNeeded
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