What is up with all the bashing lately? I guess no one here has their own glass house???

It saddens me that people talk to a poster who is really struggling this way. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

He does love you and I firmly believe he has something better in store for you.

Is your husband a beliver?

The Bible also says not to be unequally yoked. You may be moving into a closer relationship with God, but if your husband is not, then you are not ever going to have the marriage you desire with him.

Now, I know it also says not to divorce without adultry and maybe you aren't quite sure that he really cheated- he did.

Why not divorce, take some time to heal and then if your current husband has also healed, you two could start dating again. If not, then you can move on as the new reovered you.

I have NO QUESTION the WH cheated on me. NONE whatsoever. He has cheated on me. He has hurt me beyond belief and that is what he is running from. He can't seem to handle that I am upset over what he has done.

Is he a believer?... He says so. But he doesn't act like it. He shows no desire to act like it. AshamedH has talked with me about being unequally yolked and I agree. I am ready to move toward recovery and grow closer to the Lord. WH is not. I wish and pray that he was...

All I can do right now is work on my own recovery and walk with the Lord. WH acknowledgement that he needs help and then his own path to recovery is up to him. But if he wants to do this together... I am here.

Thanks again.

as a new being in Christ, stand as far away as possible from the "love-lust" you claim to have had with what you are still calling your "soulmate"

use your faith not your feelings to guide you

there was no "soulmate" in your doomed marriage
there was lustful longings born of adulterous couplings

I admit, I doubt the sincerity of your new-found faith ... why?

because your words suggest you have a foot that remains placed in wickedness

If you meet a married man on a swinger's site ... successfully draw him away from his marriage as you draw away from your marriage to become his 4th wife ... and you continue "the lifestyle" .... where is the surprise when he is UNFAITHFUL to you?

Like I said:

do not go shopping in the hardware store if you want to buy ice-cream

this was a NOT bait'n'switch marriage .... you went into it eyes wide open as to the character defects of this man you selected above all other available men

you did not go to church and seek out a Christian man with morals and values ... you SELECTED on PURPOSE a married man who wanted to have an open-sexually-non-exclusive 4th marriage with his 4th wife

you KNEW the nature of this fish when you landed him

you've said you would still take him back if he "loved" you .... knowing the sort of fish he is .... Can you see why I doubt your sincerity?

logic tells me you are risky-business .... still

Exactly PrayersNeeded, you need strength from the Lord to carry you in this crazy time. You need to accept the fact that you can't fix your husband. He very well may be so broken that it will never work. At some point you might decide that you need to move on without him. It really doesn't matter right now what he says or what he believes in. You need to let him go and grow strong with that help from a higher power.

As long as there is a little bit of love there is hope. The reason that IC is so important right now is it is very easy to have hope lead you to an unhealthy addiction to your WH. This appears to be your pattern and patterns like this are very hard to break. Its a very fine line you walk here. You need to be very careful. He may be your soulmate or he may be crack. You really don't know right now. Like I said earlier, look within yourself and start defining whats healthy for you.

Would it be easier to just divorce him and start over as others have recommended? Sure it would. That reasoning applies to every BS on here! And I do agree that not all marriages should or can be saved. But I believe if you work on a good foundation for yourself you can work through the steps just like every other BS has done. This will take incredibly hard work, more so than a typical affair because of the damage from the swinging, the history etc.

I think the formula of Plan A and Plan B will work, but only after implementing Plan R. That's R for Repair. Repairing yourself from the damage of the open marriage, understanding why you entered the crazy world of swinging, getting a foundation on what a normal marriage is suppose to be. That R for roots as well. You have been blowing in the wind with the swinging. Time to plant a seed of normal and let it grow.

First, he was already separated from his third wife when I met him. He was in his own apartment and papers had been filed for several months. I did not "draw him out" of a marriage and he did not "draw me out" of one either.

Second, as I have stated numerous times (and since you have never been part of the "lifestyle" you are not one to give advice where any of the behaviors that surround it are concerned) we started as swingers...not cheaters. He cheated on me. Also, from the VERY BEGINNING he TOLD me that he could take it (swinging) or leave it. It was just something fun to do. So..I it was me who was decieved, not him.

Third, as I have also made clear numerous times, I want to stay with my husband. I want to stay with him in a healthy marriage where we are both in recovery. We have not been swingers for more than a year and a half. I will not go back to that way of life, with or without him. Yes. I will take my husband back. He is my husband! I love him! He is an addict and I want us both to go to therapy and try to save this marriage. God will be totally accepting of this. Again, God does not need your approval... and neither do I.

Finally, I do not have to prove to anyone my level of commitment to anything...not my marriage, not my career, not my family, and certainly not to the Lord!!!

separated = still married

divorced finalized = no longer married

well, since you have your mind made up, why are you here?

If you refuse to even take into connsideration anything that is being said to you, maybe everyone who is trying should quit wasting their effort?

Did you not cheat on your ex-H while still married with the man you are now married to?

Have you considered the way you and your current husband started is very unhealthy and it has set the tone for the rest of the marriage. Or, do you consider breaking vows acceptable whenever you "feel" its necessary, and only when done by you?

PN,

AT least 60+% of the BS on this site is where they and their WS are separated and the WS is lying (god forbid) to the OP that they have filed or are legally separated.

And even if they have indeed filed, THEY ARE STILL MARRIED.

Can't tell you how many here have recovered their marriages even after such an event.

If you already know everything and won't listen to the support offered, why are you here?

I'm thinking we are whistling into the wind here, Jo.

I can't even begin to point out all the problems with your last post. You are still and ACTIVE WS living an ACTIVE WS lifestyle. You need to stop defending your past WAYWARD actions, fully give yourself to the Lord, and repent from your past failings. As long as you refuse to do this, you will not be saved.


Married means married. He did draw you out of your first M. That was my W's excuse for her affair. Well, our marriage was over, it just wasn't official. Really? How come I never got the memo? And why are we still married today? I guess the marriage wasn't over afterall. Yours wasn't either. It could have been salvaged. You just chose to leave your husband for another man instead of work on your own marriage. That is how 99% of WW's affairs happen.


By that logic, I guess I'm not suppose to tell anyone not to smoke crack either, because I've never smoked it my self. That is extremely faulty logic. What does God think of the swinging lifestyle. You both cheated on each other when you invited other people into your bedroom. Your marriage cannot be protected against "real cheating" as you define it as long as you have loose boundaries. There is nothing protecting your marriage from outside threats.


God will not be accepting of this. You are committing adultery on your first husband with your current husband. How you can say that He will be accepting of this. If you just pick up a bible, you would know he isn't. It also isn't good for your personal recovery to be around this toxic man.


What is the point of believing in a God if you don't have to answer to him? Just because you say you believe in God and go to church doesn't mean that you can do whatever you want. That's like a woman saying, "I'm not ready to take care of a baby, so God would want me to have an abortion." You can say that God will be okay with it, but that isn't necessarily the case. You must confess your sins, repent, and ask forgiveness before He will make you whole again.

well, you will get agreement from me about the separated and dating thing PN. My position is clear on that so long as divorce is imminent. However that is where our agreement will end... (and to be clear, the times when I think it is okay is when a BS decides to date after filing for divorce from a WS! I do not believe that a BS should have to continue putting their life on hold because the courts and lawyers have made it a tedious process for them to get away from their abusive spouses. Deuteronomy is clear when it says that the H shall write the decree and put it in his wifes hands... to me that is signing the divorce papers... others see it differently... but wither way, I doubt this applies to your situation anyway!).
You started off as swingers...I don't give a rats butt if you had your H's permission to screw other people... or of you gave him permission to do the same...it is an abomination. I don't see a Christian woman coming here full of remorse. I see a woman making excuses for her abhorent behaviors. I doubt every word you and your H would say at this point. I doubt he was seperated even if he said he was. The fact is he is now a 4 time loser and you are hanging on to him when your new belief in Christ would have you running from anyone in that lifestyle.
I don;t see one genuine thing in your story or you. That is why I believe that you are a troll. Maybe I am wrong... and if so, it is time for you to rise above this stuff and be the woman you should have been all along. If you are truly a new creation in God, begin by displaying some remorse for what you have done... display... not say! Get away from the scum bag you married...and yes, he is a scum bag at this point.

MEDC

Wow I guess it's judgment day and you are all playing God! Last time I checked, God doesn't differentiate sin. We have all sinned. I suggest you all take another read on Matthew 7:3-5. May I suggest you pull the plank out of someplace else instead? It's obviously not in your eye!

You know MB didn't use to be this way. You won't find much constructive advice here PrayersNeeded. Private email if you want some help.

I guess its time to change my screen name again! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

It wasn't this way last year ChaChanges...
I recieved many blessings in my walk due to things I learned here and (of course) outside here in IC.
Lots of preachiness and judgemnet going on here.
I am sorry PN for suggesting it. Dr Harleys articles and books are far better without this judgemnet you have already recieved.

REALLY? Wow.... think you might want to let Him know that!

How about this...

Scripture shows that in God's estimate some sins are worse and bring greater guilt than others, and that some sins do us more damage. Moses rates the golden calf debacle a great sin (Ex. 32:30). Ezekiel in his horrific allegory says that after Oholah (Samaria) had ruined herself by unfaithfulness to God, Oholibah (Jerusalem) "became more corrupt … in her lust and in her ******, which was worse than that of her sister" (Ezek. 23:11, ESV). John distinguishes sins that do and do not inevitably lead to death ..

there are lots more. If there is "great" sin... or "more corrupt" "worse then"... what does that tell you???? Equal, I think not.

Since we aren't telling her what she wants to hear or what you two want her to hear, why don't you pay for her to call the Harleys.

I am sure they will be able to advise her PROFESSIONALLY. No one here has claimed to be professionals.

We can only tell you what we have seen and experienced.

this is not about judgement of sins

but of discernment of what behaviors make a marriage work

chachanges,

Would you rather us blow smoke up her *ss or give her sound advice on how to heal herself even if it isn't something that she wanted to hear? If doing the right thing were easy, don't you think everyone would be doing it? Honestly, I don't know what you would expect at a Christian pro-marriage site other than telling her that she should stop swinging and end her adulterous relationship with the man she left her first husband for (who is now cheating on her and moving onto wife number 5). If she is asking God's help (which she claims to be), she needs to first confess her sins, repent, and ask His forgiveness, not defend her past behavior.

By the way, some sins are worse than others. Have you heard of moral and venial sins? Do you think coveting your neighbor's goods is just as serious as murder? I know Jesus said, "let he who is without sin cast the first stone." However, we aren't casting stones, we are trying to help someone who needs help. Do you understand the difference between judging a person's actions and judging the person? Sure I have sinned as well. I confessed, repented, and asked forgiveness for being verbally abusive to my W. I didn't say, "well, she started it."

I went back and read some of your posts ashamedH. Your story is very similar to mine. There are others here to. Actually lots of them. But they all go away bashed and beaten by the stones.

Open Marriages and Swinging are huge issues today. Especially vulnerable are people in their late 30s and 40s that have been married for awhile and want to spice things up. I am convinced that we need a forum on MB devoted to repairing marriages after mucking them up with the drugs called swinging, poly, open marriages, cuckolding, hot wifing, etc

This monster has the soul of addiction that can swallow married partners whole and become a living ******. 12 steps doesn't work unless both commit, which is unlikely. I have heard all the stories about not being able to quit the lifestyle. It is a hideous new monster that is fueled by the internet and demographics (ie 30s/40s married 10 years +).

The surprising thing is very little has been written on how to recover a marriage after something like this. Just like adultery was once considered the end of a marriage, I have hope that we will all find a way to recover after an open marriage.