Already started Plan a and the A has been exposed. What do I do next? She said her mind is made up and she wants the divorce. She loves the OM and the OM loves her. What else can I do to? I am trying to meet her EN's and avoid the LB's but what do the experts say? She is scared to talk to her partents because she knows what she did was wrong but can't help the way she feels. I feel like most on this site that she is in love with the A and not the OM. I got all of the usual stuff from her, in love but not in love with you, can't/don't want to be married right now, need space etc etc etc.
Advice, tips, tricks?

Tx-

Did you read SAA, HNHN and lOve must be tough? Have you identified your personal and M boundaries? Have you created your plan B strategy? Did you secure your finances and create your personal support group?

No tips will work until you have done your part.

L.

You might want to keep your posts in one thread since that makes your situation easier to follow.

americanbeauty and others gave you some excellent advice. Apparently the parents already know. It sounds from your other posts that she is cake eating.

Like Orchid said, have you read the books, read the site and are thus ready to do battle?

Edited to say I found the other thread. Your counselor is an idiot. Unfortunately there are a lot of totally unqualified counselors out there. Read this:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7100_counselor.html

Harley won't say publically his opinion of many counselors, you have to read between the lines. I will say it. I have a good buddy who does it for a living and he says it privately to me as well; oddly enough marriage counselors have a higher than average rate of affairs and divorces. If you want counseling, call the Harleys !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Larry

Yes to SAA, no to the rest. Boundaries are set but mean nothing unless we can reconcile, she says it is too late and won't try. Plan A hasn't been implemeted long enough to turn to Plan B, but I have thought of it. Finances are next and I am surrounded by friends, family (mine and her family) that support me and I am in IC.

We posted at the same time. Read what I said about the Harleys, counseling, etc. Call the Harleys.

Larry

The boundaries are for YOU and is NOT dependent on whether there is a reconciliation or not.

Read the recommended books, they will help more than we can say. Invest that time and call Jennifer on Monday. She will ask you read those books anyhow so you are getting an advanced start.

take care,
L.

Why did I do that......major LB! I lost it, getting hard, the seperation is killing me (only in plan A)
WW stopped by pick up some things, I asked her if she really wanted to leave then why don't you take all your stuff. I then said you need to make up your mind, get off the fence and pick a home. Blah blah blah, she replied "do you think this is easy for me" My reply, Yes I do, you left me, the dogs, and your son to live with OM.
Today is much better....it was a sad rainy lonely Sunday yesterday.

You mention a SON. First and foremost make him the center of your battle. A WW is not a good parent (neither is a WH for that matter) and you need to protect your son from the wayward/alien now walking around looking like your wife.

Get an attorney (don't tell WW) and get to work on making sure that you are doing, saying, etc the things that give you the best chance at custody if it comes to D. Also, protect your finances, the family home, etc and do not do anything that finances her affair (pay for cell phones, bills, apartments, etc). She needs to own what she is doing. She does not love OM. She is as fogged out as every other WW/WH on this site.

One more time, protect your son from wayward and any number of OM that could be brought into your son's life/.

WW will not bite on Plan A and I am affraid Plan B is what she wants from me. She doesnt see me enough to care about the changes I made to the house, changes in me. She likes the no contact of Plan B. The less I "get on her case" the better. We don't fight, argue, still ask about each others day and general chit-chat about what our son did today.....

I pulled another LB and asked her if she is really better off w/o me and our son and if she will have a better life. She replied, "not sure but this is what I want". After I got my breathe back I called an attorney, he gave me some legal advice. WW will not respond to anyone, she wants OM so bad she is shutting me, freinds, and family out of her life. I even tried to expose the fact she is in the fog and loves the EA and not the OM but her reply was "it is what it is, and need this". She has gone to paranoia, she think we all hate her and are out to get her, we want to help, we have a child and can't run and bail when things get rough.

I am really affraid she already shutdown and D is coming.

Have you told her mother that your wife has abandoned you and your son for an adulterous relationship?

Who did you expose to? What responses did you get?

If she's moved out, have you cut her off completely financially? You should provide her with NO support for her affair.

Who has the affair been exposed to? Is this a workplace affair? If so, has the workplace HR been notified? Her/his boss?

Have you made clear to the WW that D means not being friends (I don't have friends who betray their family, leave their children, lie, act immoral and insane, do you) only parenting together. That you will not play fair when it comes to son and that you are not being vindictive but that you will not sit idly by and have your son introduced to poor influence of a cheating, pathetic OM and to the whims, poor decision making and immorality that is the wayward wife at this time.

bennet,

I'm going to give you some stellar advice that I credit to one our wisest posters, ark^^:

BE STILL

Infidelity is sometimes like quicksand. The harder you fight, the deeper you sink. With really abusive WSs who don't respond to exposure and who leave their children to enable their affair....Plan B is often the best course. It is FAR better than continuing to weep, beg, plead, threaten etc....generally....love bust! Please, be still, step back. CALL THE HARLEYS. Grap hold of your dignity and let the OM lovebust for a change. The blush will fall from the rose when the fantasy is gone. Help it be GONE. You have WAY more power than you think you do....but you must stop acting POWERLESS.

((((((((((((((((bennet))))))))))))))))

Hang tight. Call the experts. Know you are not alone.

Be Still.

I spoke to the Harley's the other day and they posed this question. In and Ideal Scenario ask your wife if she would be at her happiest if she was in love with the father of her son. The answer should be Yes, Ensure you use the word father. When she replies yes then ask her to look at her marriage for the sake of her son. She would be happy, you would and so would your son. It won't bring her rushing back, but it will put another doubt in her mind.

And keep posting so everyone can help you. We all have to stick together to help each other get through this. I hope you can post on me when I'm having difficulty. My WW has said exactly what yours is saying.

Ben:

How about some more info?

How old is your Son?

How Long Married?

DDay?

How did WW meet OM?

And then:

BE STILL

You have just started this fight. You don't really have a plan yet.

The plan, if executed properly, (Read JMWC95 Thread here>> Jim's Original Thread ) will return your WW to your M. But it will take awhile. And you need to do the work, until WW decides to committ.

And the Plan around here is MB.

Plan A. Start with that.

This is a plan to start making you a better husband and making sure that WW sees it....

To eliminate LB's and DJ, and to start meeting her EN's! Get His Needs, Her Needs, ASAP!

Ok?

Calling the Harleys to MC is a terriffic idea as well.

LG

Wow I get goosebumps when I get such great support from people that really want to help a total stranger! All I can say is thanks.....

Ok, last night was a perfect 10 on Plan A! I did everything right. She stopped over to see our son, she even asked if I had dinner plans. I made WW her favorite dinner and we enjoyed it. I even gave her leftovers. We went outside and played with our son. Then we did our "normal" routine with out son, watch wheel of fortune and have a snack. First time in 2 weeks we put our son to bed together. Then she stayed for another 30 min and we made small talk about her day, work etc.

She seemed almost sad to leave, and I resisted the R talk. All I said is you are more than welcome to spend the night as you look tired. She smiled and said no it's OK. I let it go. She gave me a big long hug and said talk to you later. Sent me a text message saying g-nite and replied g-nite.

I think the only LB was when asked what happened to our wedding picture on the fireplace I told her I took it down. Was that a bad thing? Should I put it back up?

During today's snooping I discovered one her friends told her to update her "myspace" status to single, you aren't married you are happy. But she didn't...that was hard to read.

I will see her tonight when she visits my son.

I have been a mess lately and started with Plan A but felt it didn't work to well as she was never around. I then went to Plan B and things got ugly. Then limbo for a few days, noww that she is coming around more I think I will resume Plan A and this time go full force, no more LB's and judgements. Just keep the house clean and make it a place she wants to be.

She still cares about the bills, as that was her "job" when we were M'd. She is on the fence I feel the exposure to the A and the pressure she is getting might be paying off. I just need to be calm and go with Plan A.

Now, she asked if she could have our son for the weekend, I said we can discuss later. What do I say?

We need more info:

Who is OM?

Is he married?

Do they work together?

Have you exposed to his family and friends?

How old is your son?

Who all have you exposed to?

What was their reaction to exposure?

What state do you live in?

How long has the A been going on?

Is it an EA or PA as well?

Is she living with OM?

Who supports who and how are the bills being handled?

These are important details that can help us customize our advice to your situation.

Who is OM?
A guy she used to work with, she actually left old job to avoid him. My guess is A was broken then resumed contact recently.

Is he married?
When they OM was going through a divorce and now it is finalized.

Do they work together?
They used to

Have you exposed to his family and friends?
I called Om and told him that I was gonna fight for my marriage. He won't backoff was his reply, I ended it with that.
Not to his just to WW's, most of her friends don't care. They give her bad advice like do what makes you happy.

How old is your son?
19 months

Who all have you exposed to?
WW's family, WW's close friends my family

What was their reaction to exposure?
WW's parents are very mad and won't talk to her anymore. WW's friends act like it doesnt matter.
What state do you live in?

How long has the A been going on?
A started 11\06. We reconciled 3\07, then the true D-day (moved out) was 5/24.

Is it an EA or PA as well?
Started as EA but not sure if has escalated.

Is she living with OM?
Not sure, she may split time there and the appt with her friend, female.

Who supports who and how are the bills being handled?
Bills are still being paid jointly. My salary pays for most.

Full Story:
Thread #3249477
Background: Been together for 10yrs, married for 5 (just celebrated it) 1 son, 19 months.

Last Sept my wife told me she was in love with another man but it was not physical. He gave her the attention I did not. We "worked" things out for a while (so I thought) Then in December she moved in for a week with her parents. We started counseling for 3 months, she said things were back on track and she even said thank you for "taking" me back. She was very appologetic and counseling taught us both a lot about ourselves and our marriage.
Over the last 5 months we have done some wonderfull things together, hot air ballon ride, weekend get aways, date nights etc. I thought things were going great, we did some home redecorating together, talked about baby #2, talked about vacation this summer and all the things we wanted to do.
THEN! Bam she says it is not working and she has been "trying" she wants it to work but it just isn't there anymore. She said she can't stay in our house, she loves me some days but some days it isn't there, she said she just can't be married right now. She wants to live on her own for a while.??
So, we are curently in a trial seperation, only a week to date. She moved in with a friend (female) and my son sleeps in "our" house. Here is where I need the advice....

She sends me text messages asking how I am doing, asking me if I am mad at her. She said I am acting funny. She will not come back home and will not reenter counseling.
What do I do? She wont tell her parents (scared) and asked me not to either. She has removed her wedding band and engagement ring but still wears the 5 yr anniversary band I just bought her.
My stance is give her the space she asked for but when I do she asks me if I am OK. What does she think, she abanded the family and hurt me. I am keeping a level head, no fights, no yelling. I am kinda cold to her right now, my guard is up what can I say.
We talked about divorce but she told me she can't answer it right now. She is on the fence..what does that mean? She still stops at the house "to pick up a few things" If she really wanted it to end wouldn't she take all her stuff? She still asks me about my day, wants to be involved.

Bennet,

About her wanting the baby for the weekend....Tell her that's okay as long she can give you assurance that the baby gets no exposure <at all> to the OM. Spending time with the OM is non-negotiable. Explain that it's your job, as a good dad, to make sure he doesn't get confused or attached to what could easily be a "temporary" partner. (Avoid calling him a lowlife, homewrecking, piece of carp....even though that's more accurate.)

Defend your boundaries, but keep your cool. No R talks. No ILYs.

Oh, and BTW, get the scoop on where she lives. If she's staying with him even half the time....then (since it's primarily your salary AND you have custody) you need to protect your finances and stop financially support the affair that's destroying your family.

Do you have an attorney?

I would keep up with plan A for a while, but I would ramp up the exposure. I would find OM's family and XW and expose to them as well. OM thinks he can pursue your W with impunity. It is time to show him there are consequences for his actions. On the other hand, I would be ramping up the "stick" of plan A. The "stick" of plan A refers to not protecting your WW from the consequences of her actions. This includes not bending over backwards for her if she wants to visit your child. You are the primary caregiver now, so she needs to accomodate your schedule. I would lovingly detach and continue to live your life as this doesn't affect you (from her vantage point). Document everything your wife does, your communications, get some proof of the affair, and consult with a divorce attorney. I would pay for a PI to document proof of the affair if it helps you in court (depending on what state you live in).

I would only put up with this for another month, maximum. After that, I think it would be in your best interest to file for divorce and seek full or primary custody. You have nothing to lose. With her moving out, you are in the best possible position you will ever be in custody-wise, she will feel the full consequences of her actions if she loses custody AND has to pay child support, and you can always drop the divorce petition once you "break" her. I really am optimistic about your situation. I think that your W is a well-intentioned ADDICT who doesn't like the path that she is going down, she just can't stop herself. You need to provide her with the consequences and impetus to get her off her path of self-destruction before she gets in even deeper. A lot of women struggle with depression after the birth of their first child and the "high" of an affair is the drug they choose to numb the pain.