I have been lurking here for about 2 months. such heartbreaking and inspirational stories i have read. I have been married for 10 yrs 2 kids, son 14 (previous marriage) and daughter 8. i have a troubled marriage. No communication or intimacy..my fault...we are like 2 room mates. lots of resentment and hostility. Husband left me about 3 weeks ago...by leaving a note on the table for me..I was heartbroken but understood . As the days went by I felt freedom and I could see the light at the end of the tunnel...he would call every day to speak to kids I never would speak to him..after about a week h called on a friday night asked what are you doing and would you like to go out for coffee. I said ok. Husband came with flowers and we got a coffee and talked...it was so nice since we never do anything together that doesnt involve kids...husband decides to come back home...and it has been rocky....my emotions are all over the place. Alot of crying and fighting. When husband left he went to stay with a friend he works with. Also found cell phone bills where he called his secretary once on a weekend day. and secretary was around him and the guy he was staying with....my daughter and I saw them husband man he is staying with and secretary all at store together h split out. so since he has come back i have asked alot of questions and i have been accusing also..i felt he might have developed an emotional relationship with this woman and it pisses me off. of course he denys everything...she hangs out with his friend alot and he called one weekend day to get movie times as he was taking my daughter to the movies. but didnt call me his response was..why would i call you we never talk anyways... he did it to push my buttons...so now i feel like there are things i dont know as he is back and we are trying to work it out ...but the anger is still there..its like i told him i could accept truth brutal truth if i find out as he is lying to me the consquences to that will be severe, i will expose it to everyone. He states he understands calling her and her being at the apartment one night while he and his friend there talking is inappropiate..and he also is totally avoiding her at work now. What do I do let this go..be on guard...I am so confused i refuse to live a life like this......wondering, accusing, and being lied too...

First off, he is having an affair with his secretary so that needs to be fleshed out. If she is married, I would expose the affair to her H. Since they work together, you would want to expose to their employer. This can never be resolved if he continues to see the OW and if they continue to work together.

gabie, you don't need to ask him anymore if he is having an affair with her, you know he is. You don't need his admission to know the truth. Don't ask him, simply TELL HIM that you know and proceed on those terms.

Also, his "friend" is a scumbum and an enemy of your marriage for faciliatating this affair. If you want your marriage to recover, your H would need to agree to lose that loser.

In the meantime, get your hands on Surviving an Affair so you can understand the dynamics of an affair. You can order it on this website with cheap, fast shipping.

she is divorced that much i know thru my husband...i need to know details when where how AND WHY WHEN LEFT DID HE COME BACK....there was a friday night the week before my husband left me that he told me he had to go to work it was 9:30 and he did not come home until 11:30 or 12:00. I never asked anything as a week or 2 later he left. When he came back i told him you were not at work that night . I told him if he did not tell me the truth iwould call his boss. well he told me he went over to friends house (the one he moved in with) and that later she showed up .. his friend is also going thru D and she and him have become running buddies....honsestly i cannot wrap my mind around this ....

gabie, you don't need to know details to know he is having an affair. He is having an affair, you know it, he knows it.

Secondly, you must find out ON YOUR OWN if she is married. You can't go by what your H told you. It is probably a lie. I would look up her phone # and call it and ask for MR OW. Disguise your # using *67. If a man comes to the phone, tell him about the affair.

your right ....its always been about his unhappiness in this marriage..that is why he said he left me..so I would open my eyes..yet that is not what i felt..there was a relief and peace...i realized i am not happy either. and its not all about him....just like last night we were talking and he told me he feels closer to me and that we talking more and not as much arguing. i thought in my head again you you you. I looked at him and said yes this weekend has been nice...but the problems have not just disappeared. I told him there were still issues with us. He is a person who likes to avoid conflict and totally withdrawns with confronted. he has been back in the house for 2 weeks now and it has been a roller coaster ride...my emotion change from one minute to the other some days. I think i shut off emotionally in this marriage years ago... and have not delt with what my needs at this point i dont even know what they are...

when is the last time YOU enacted upon and honored your vows...

to love
honor and
cherish....

I know that will sound like a horrible questions...

but marriages are not just entities existing in title..

they are great works of love...

and my question is...

why would you treat you MAN..
your children's father like a room-mate...

sounds to me like you have man that has felt rejected and on the receiving end of nothing....

finally got sick and tired of it...

left...

messed up big time by involving his secretary...

but realized way early enough to see he doesn't want the secretary he wants YOU...YOU YOU>....

I for one don't think he is having an affair...
I would guess that she has presented herself as somewhat available.....

and that he crossed boundaries...

full blown affair...
don't see it..

I see a MAN who wants his wife back....

wonder if the relief you feel is really freedom from yourself....
not liking the wife you have been...

I don't mean to sound tough....

though I know I do...

your husband sounds like a dog that's been kicked one to many times...

please tell me how off base I am...

and we can get back to other business..

ARK

your right ....husband has told numerous times he feels alone in this marriage as if we are just roommates...we havent slept in the same bed for years..we have relations i would just leave afterwards blaming his snoring...why was it ok with me to live like this also? we are starting mc...and since he has been back i have moved back into our bed

we turned to our children to fill the gap between us...and good marriages do not happen they are worked at...there is so much resentment between us...we have to work thru.

gabie, I agree very much with ark that the problems in the marriage have to be addressed. But I don't think they are the MAIN problem here. The main problem is that he is having an AFFAIR. Your H lived with these problems for years, he didn't leave over them before now. Every similar case I have seen on this forum over 6 years ALWAYS involved an affair and I became even more convinced this is always the case when Dr. Harley said on the radio that only ONE time in 30 years was there NOT an affair involved [sans physical abuse] when a spouse left. This has ALL the earmarkings of an affair, gabie.

Plan A, in order to be successful, has to be a carrot and a stick. Meaning that the affair has to be addressed before needs can be met.

Here is a good overview of Plan A by Pepperband:

The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A

The carrot of Plan A


Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.



The stick of Plan A


Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not appologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Plan A is both a *carrot* and a *stick*.

he left me 6 months ago for same reasons...gone for 2 days...came home I fell apart crying and begging. he lieft this time for 1 weeks i did not fall apart carried on as normal he came to me.....stating why are you not talking to me i dont want a divorce i just wanted to open your eyes to how bad it was between us...i told him we needed space but he came back home after a week. If there is an affair emotional or physical i dont know which...it will not be tolerated...then i will have to choose the stick...i dont understand why i shut down in the relationship...but i have but i did not turn to anyone else...ones happiness comes from within not from someone else...my god if i jumped on every man that ever paid me a compliment of came on to me....i would have cheated numerous times...but i have self respect for myself and my family and my validation for myself does not come from what a man thinks....i dont understand men how they fall into it so easily...

Gabie, knowing that he was miserable, what did you do to try and meet his needs?

what did he do to try to meet mine.....i just feel it takes two...

No, it takes ONE person to meet HIS NEEDS. You are that person, gabie. I will ask again, what did you do to meet his needs? Or is that even a concern of yours? You say he has told you over and over again he was unhappy, what did you do to try and make him happy?

no i did not meet his emotional needs....i totally shut down to all of that .....

G8:

You have clearly seen the ying/yang of MB on your thread.

Mel is guiding you on how to destroy the A.

Ark is asking you to look inside yourself for what is wrong in your M.

Your Right, It does take two to make a M. For it to survive.

But it can be saved by one. If they make the committment to improve themselves and to act in a manner that removes LoveBusters and DJ's from at least thier side of the M.

And by being a shining example, the S can find ways to change thier behavior.

Do you want your M to end?

Do you want your H to save it?

If YOU just expect your H to do it, then your M will end.

Because why would he want to go back to the M that existed, and you didn't want to help?

But if you truly started to change your behaviors, and I do not mean that a WHOLE NEW G8 appears, only about a 10% change happens, and most of it is in how you approach things.

I'm not beating you up, you are here, your H is not. And you WANT to save your M.

So it begins with you.

My BS wanted me to leave, for YEARS. And when I handed her the golden opportunity, she didn't. Why? Because of Dr. Harley and this Website. And overnight, literally, we transformed how we acted with each other.

And here we are happier in our M than we EVER were before.

So please, review the info in SAA and His Needs, Her Needs. (HNHN) (Buy it from the website!)

ANd slowly realize, that you can save this M. And that H will follow.

LG

thank you...i understand what you are saying...its just when you go thru something like this you have so many conflicting feelings...sad, anger, betrayal...etc. I saw a c last week husband goes next week and then we will try it together as i do not think we can do this alone...i will buy his needs her needs ....you know noone ever tells you how difficult marriage can be...i mean you love your kids unconditionally...a marriage is one of the hardest relationships to maintain....

ok, for what reason should he come back? Are you willing to meet his needs?

gabie, it really is best for you to do this alone for now. Marriage counseling can be devastating for a marriage if both ppl are in a state of conflict, as you are. They turn into ****** sessions and result in the spouses leaving ANGRY. Please consider counseling with Steve Harley of Marriage Builders. He can teach you how to attract your H back by meeting his needs. If anyone can help you save this, it would be him. He KNOWS what he is doing, whereas most marriage counselors are useless.

i am such a bundle of emotions right now...his needs..i dont even know what my needs are