Yes, exactly the right thing. And just keep repeating it like a broken record. You know she is cheating, and she knows she is cheating. But she will still probably continue to deny. That is just part of being a WS.

UPDATE... (may be long winded and scattered)

Very interesting weekend. the OM emailed my wife Friday saying that I was on a fishing expedition to see what I know. So on Saturday morning I texted his cell phone telling him I know of the affair and to end it now. Rattled his cage for sure.

OM emailed my W and said he didn't need this going on or worrying about a crazy husband trying to seek revenge. Also he doesn't want his family to find out while his W is in the hospitel.

Well, Saturday night I got caught myself reading my wife's email. Kind of a blessing in disguise.

My wife finally realized how much i knoe and proceded to call her best friend to confess to the affair and called the OM to let him know that I know everything. Then she cam in, sat down and said "what would you like to know" To which she did come out and confesses to the A. In her mind, the deffinition of an A is sex. Kissing, hugging, caressing, etc is just dishonesty. Therefore the A has only been going on for a couple weeks.

We had a very good conversation without me blowing up... but I did cry enough tears to fill an ocean while talking this through with her.

She said she is not going to stop seeing the OM and that she does love him. She did say she did not want to stay married to me, and in fact has not wanted to be married to me since well before the A ever began.

She is willing to have me stay in the house and do the various vacations with our family, but as of Fall would like to have a divorce... without attorneys if at all possible. If we have any major blow-ups during this Summer, I will be asked to leave.

Is this a time to go into Super Plan A or what? She has since changed her password and I don't feel I need to spy any longer now that the cat is out of the bag.

She isn't even sure about counselling any more, and said her mind will not change that she wants out of this marriage.

What am I to do. I need some serious guidance here... please.

She also found out that I told my mother about her A and said she never wants to see my parents ever again because all they will see is a woman who had an A with their son.

Thanks for any help you or any one can provide.

You need to expose the A to everyone. Your family, hers, the OM's family, friends, your W's workplace, etc... and then let the consequences fall where they may. There are several excellent threads to read on how to expose in GQ. Read them. Formulate a plan. Everything your wife is saying and doing is from a script. They ALL say and do the same things. There is nothing unique about what your W is saying at all.

If you do not expose, your W will continue in the foggy mindset for a very long time. You CANNOT do an affective plan A until there has been exposure, period.

Your W will be mad. She will threaten and scream and stamp her feet and say all kinds of nasty things. Do you know why? Because exposure will PREVENT her from having the A. Exposure will bring about the demise of the affair which she doesnt want right now.

I have heard many BS's say that if they expose, their S will leave. Your W is planning on leaving you now, right? But she certainly isnt going to leave you if there is no affair, which WILL happen if you expose. Trust me on this. The fantasy bubble that exists in affair land is instantly broken by exposure.

So, expose. Do not warn your wife. Send emails, phone calls, whatever it takes. Expose particularly to the OM's W. She is in the hospital? How do you know that? Because your WW said so? The OM? Both have proven to be liars and even if it is true, she deserves to know. I found out about my H's A a few days after I got released from the hospital and believe me, I would have wanted to know under any circumstances.

I cannot stress this enough. If you want to save your M, you MUST expose.

Even though she said if I tell people I need to get out of the house immediately? I have no other place to go... I thought I needed to show her what a caring person I can be so if she wants to get rid of me, there are good images and thoughts.

You need to stand up and get some balls. It is the only way that you will save your M. Tell her you will not agree to a divorce, and she needs to be the one that goes if she is going to continue her affair. You are not going anywhere, and you will not tolerate her continued infidelity. Now is the time to crank up the heat on this affair. Expose now before she pre-empts you and lessens the impact. Tell OMW, his family, your W's family and friends. If she gets pissed off, so what. You did what you needed to do to save your marriage. How can she kick you out of the house? Only if you let her. I know you may be non-confrontational, but it is time to start the clashing of wills. Do not fear your wife.

Expose to her employer as well. This may be your only way to save your marriage. Don't you see that if you do nothing as your wife wants you to it will only lead to an amicable (from her end) divorce?

Also,

You might want to move your story to the General Questions II forum. I would ask one of the moderators is they can paste your entire thread there. Some of the posters there like Mr. Wondering, MelodyLane, Pepperband, Bob Pure, etc., only peruse that forum. They can be a wealth of information and help you plan your next steps. The first thing that I would do is to tell your wife that an amicable divorce is just an illusion. You are going to fight to keep your family together. Then expose all at once, especially to OMW and WW's employer. Dig in, this is the most difficult time to endure, but I have made it through to the other side, and countless others have as well. We'll help you get there.

I reposted your story in the General Questions II forum under the title "GoingCrazyInCT." You need to go over there right now and work with the people over there and get a plan.

JMW is absolutely right. You expose the affair, and YOU DO NOT LEAVE. You stay put. I get that it was her house, in her name. So what? If she wants you out she can get a court order. This is tough because you need to be firm but not get angry. Make it clear you intend to fight for your marriage and you are not going anywhere

If she wants to leave you tell her you love her, want her to stay but the affair needs to end, period.

I understand this is confusing. Read all you can on this site. Find out how to expose properly and how to plan A.

PLEASE listen to what people are telling you. We have all been through it and it works.

Ok, a number of things.

Eventually you will have to decide for yourself if you want to stay in that M. I don't think it's a decision that you have to make right now, seeing that emotions are running high - not the best time to make decisions that will affect you for the rest of your life.



If he didn't want to hurt his W, he shouldn't have scr*wed with yours - it's that simple. Withholding exposure from his W shields the OM from the consequences for his actions, and enables the continuation of the A.



My FWW wasn't brazen enough to tell me that she was not going to stop seeing the OM, but she gave me a similar speech about how our M was "over" before her A began, etc., etc. It's all fog-speak. The WS feels the need to find a reason, an explanation for their behaviour, and it usually boils down to something like "BECAUSE our M was bad/over/etc, I chose to get involved in an A". In responding, you should never accept any responsibility for her bad choices. "The state of our M is our responsibility, but the choice to have an A is your responsibility, and yours alone. I had no hand in that decision, and will accept no blame for it".



More fog-speak. Don't expect your WS to be rational at this point. Plan A, Plan A, Plan A! And, based on that "willing to let you stay" comment of hers, I suggest immediately contacting an attorney and discussing your legal options. Does she actually have a right to throw you out of the house? How can you protect yourself from that happening?



That's her choice to make, of course. But at least she's being exposed to the consequences of her actions now, which is a good thing.

Thank you Thank you Thank you

I will look into the General Disc. II now and see what I need to do. I know that just hiding in the clouds in hopes of the M working out even though she said she wants to still see him is impossible.

I saw how she got regarding my mother knowing and she thought we agreed not to tell anyone about the A. That's not what I agreed to... I just didn't want to tell her that I was going to expose her.

And yes, we had some pretty serious issues prior to the A beginning. Some of which made her want the M to come to an end. This is more like the exclamation point to end it.

I do not want to loose my wife. i love her too much to let all of this fall apart.

*** continuing this thread on General Disc. II

top of the pile

Still trying to impliment Plan A and exposure

damn this stuff is hard