In fact, my WW may be out with OM at this time (while I am watching the kiddos)!

When she returns I will simply play it cool -- no affection, let her begin any conversation. I will not even question her on where she has been.

How's that?

Why do you suspect she is with OM? If you have proof of that, I would definitely confront her with it. Not in anger but she would have understand your position. Simply remind her that marriage is for two people. Third parties are not allowed. She cannot have the A and the M at the same time.

OTOH if you just suspect that in your paranoia because you can't account for her whereabouts, then yes you definitely have to leave it alone.

Pio,

When WW came home last night (I had barely dozed off). She woke me up and ask to speak with me for a second.

She said that she spoke with OM for 20 minutes and told him that there could be no more e-mail, txt msgs, or cell phone calls!

She softly said to herself -- "It's not worth it"!

I simply said I appreciate her honestly in sharing this information with me. She then proceeded to caress me while we sat up talking.

I caressed her for a minute and then crawled into bed -- I refrained from asking any details of the encounter!

She came to bed and caressesd me more. I reciprocated and then went to sleep.

My W went to visit a friends church this morning!

I told her she looked beautiful and gave her a hug before she left!

I am trying to meet her need without being clingy and needy!

All BS's want their WS's to end their affairs, tell us it was a terrible and foolish mistake, throw themselves at our feet, beg forgiveness and swear undying love forever.

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...

Sorry. I made myself laugh so hard I fell off the chair.

Where was I? Okay. Yes that is what we want. It hardly EVER happens.

It doesn't truly matter why your WW jas stopped/is stopping the A. What matters is that it is happening. What matters is that, for whatever reason, she is remaining with you.

Swallow your pride. Accept that the entire burden of saving this M, for the moment, rests squarely and fully on your shoulders. You are NOT going to get ANY help from WW right now. So suck it up.

Your WW's A was fantasy. Her feelings for OM are, right now, fantasy. Her belief as to why she is remaining with you is fantasy. As I was told SOOOO many times, don't listen to her words - watch her actions.

All those things you want (i.e. admitted mistake, beggin forgiveness, etc.) may well come. Give it time.

Stay in your best Plan A. Don't try to win back her love. Let her give up her love for OM. Make sure NC is kept. Try to save your family.

What is a reasonable timeframe to execxute plan A? MB suggests, I believe 6 months for men and 3 months for women.

Has any BH conducted plan A for 3 months or less successfully and then transitioned to plan B?

Then again, I realize a good plan B can only follow a good plan A that has been executed.

swade, you know something. I don't think you're going to need a Plan B. I think you are doing very, very well with your Plan A. You've got this very quickly, it's great what you're doing.

The thing is if your w has really gone NC with the OM, and I sorta think she has, next is the withdrawal phase for her. She'll be like a wet rag around the place. She'll sigh, she'll look off into the distance, she'll play soppy music, she'll go off and cry somewhere thinking you won't notice.

BTW if she's not doing any of these things, she's still in contact.

I have gut feelings about situations here on MB and my gut tells me that if you keep up the Plan A you've been doing, you will win.

I have to tell you though that my H and I also went through some real anger at the whole situation and threatenings of divorce (from him) if I ever saw the OM again. That was necessary too (for me, not saying it's for everyone). Boundaries are as necessary as a Plan A.

Also, be aware that at 6 months after d-day most BS's go through extreme anger and despair. Be prepared for that as well when it happens.

I have very good feelings about your situation from what you've been telling us.

BTW, we haven't really addressed your own A. Have you ever given thought to the reasons for it? Not justifications, but what you told yourself that allowed you to do it.

That's not a 2x4. There are obviously going to be different dynamics when a FWS becomes a BS. I just wondered how you both coped with your infidelity at the time.

I agree in that the Plan B question didn't seem to fit the current circumstances. It shows either that swade is simply being impatient and wants great results now or he is still trying to punish WW for the A. If you look at his early posts, he has always had some sort of agenda toward WW for the A that BobPure continually pointed out. I just don't get where swade is coming from right now.

I haven't read the very early posts. From what I'm seeing now, Swade is doing well.

Don't you really get where Swade is coming from now? I think he's getting what needs to be done. I think he's listening to us all and putting it into practice.

Sorry, Swade, talking about you in the third person is rude.

Pio, slight t/j here, you know when people do that jokey hand on the forehead thing to check if they have a fever when they say things that surprise you. I'm wanting to do that now. You seem to have taken to MB concepts in a way that you never did before. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

That's my point KiwiJ. I do think everything is going right for swade. That's why I can't understand why he seems so determined at times to stuff it up. As I said before, snatch defeat from the jaws of victory. I was feeling good about swade until that very last post. it just didn't fit.

I too am very optimistic about swade's situation as long as he plays by the MB guidelines.

And we can talk about swade in 3rd person. He's asleep. We can always delete these posts before he wakes up. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

As far as MB and I go, the one thing I have learned more than anything else is that fear is not an option. If you can set the fear aside, MB is quite simple. If I tryo to deliver a message to any BS, that is my top priority. Others here are far smarter and give much better advice. What I think I can add is knowledge of the actual experience.

I don't even read many threads any more. I only get really interested in a few posters at a time because it is hard to remember too many. I am interested in swade because I do think he will save his marriage.

So am I for the same reason.

She'll be like a wet rag around the place. She'll sigh, she'll look off into the distance, she'll play soppy music, she'll go off and cry somewhere thinking you won't notice.

LOL!

Ding Ding Ding !

You told me the same back in the day Jen, and you were SO right !

[/ducking out]

Pio -- Chalk my last post up to impatience on my part!

I do not want to punish my WW for the A given I have been in her shoes before!

KiwiJ -- the only justification for my own A was simply being extremely selfish in getting my needs met (if this makes any sense). What is particularly distressing for me is that mine was sexual and my WW went as far as kissing only (this I do believe in her) -- I say this because she always tries to compare (lessen) hers to mine!

BTW, my WW does at time appears to be in a daze. I simply let her know I do care and I am available to talk if she wishes to do so.

Its really interesting but I think this A was a "wake up call" to both of us to love and care for each other the way we should have from the beginning of our M.

My WW had a great time at church yesterday and I have been praying for God to penetrate her heart with His Word.

I am confident that God can and will renew our M in to something wonderful!

Thanks KiwiJ, Pio, Bob, ML for helping me along the way! I know the process is not over yet, but its good to know I can rely on your input if needed (and I am sure it will be in the future). <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Swade, next Sunday, invite yourself along to church with her. have a great time with her, worshipping. My H & I have a daily devotional we read each day. It's just a one page per day, with one verse of scripture. We discuss it over coffee and it gives us the lift we need to order our day and keep on God's path. Church is very important in our recovery, and in our every day lives.

You are so right!

That is my desire for our family to go to church togther on a consistent basis.

As the family head, I will definitely make sure this happens!

No doubt, it will take God to aid in our recovery and future growth!

Amen, Brother!!!

Comment: I notice that my WW does not always wear her wedding ring when she steps out of the house.

It use to not be this way. I'm sure if I did not wear mine, I'd hear about it!

She did say as a postal clerk she does not wear it as it interefes with mail casing, also does not wear to gym -- (OK I bought these two explanations).

On a couple of occassions, I simply told her I noticed she did not have her ring on when out and about!

I do not want to engage in LB'ing, but I do want her to know that I think it is disrespectful not to wear her band as if she is single.

Would this be advisable for me to mention or should I chalk it up to being caught in the A "fog".

After all she did mention to me that she wore it during her last contact referenced earlier to OM to break all contact!

Advice anyone!!!

Okay. I agree with you it would make me angry if WW didn't wear her rings. My WW didn't wear hers at times. I always checked. I even commented a few times when she didn't.

In my extremely humble opinion, I will revert back to some advice I have lived by for a very long time. That advice is pick your battles wisely. Sometimes you have to lose a battle to win a war (okay I didn't make that part up).

So my suggestion is leave it alone. You cannot and should not try to control her actions. I don't see many ways you can bring up the lack of rings without at least one of you being LB'ed.

I think you are focusing on details and missing the big picture. I repeat that her not wearing the rings would make me angry. But her putting on those rings will not save your marriage. Conversely, her not wearing the rings will not kill your marriage.

Wouldn't you rather see her put those rings on of her own accord? That would mean a lot to me if I were in your sitch. Oh wait...I WAS!

Pio,

Cool -- I'll refrain from starting a battle here!

I'll trust that as we move forward, she will willingly wear them consistently on her own!

Tell me something else -- how did you deal with the following scenario (if you encountered this):

When your WW wants to step out at night "to go to the store" -- I try not to wear any frustration on my face because its a potential meeting with OM!

I must say my WW has done this many times in the past, but it is distressing now in light of the A!



Thanks!