I went with her. There was no negotiation. So I never faced your dilemma.

But I will tell you this.

1) It is not now nor never has been your responsibility to prevent your W from having an A.
2) If she wants to have an A, she will have an A.
3) Much to the chagrin of some, I did tolerate some breakage of NC because, overall, the seesaw was tipping in my direction. So I chose my battles wisely.

I also eventually lost all my fear. That is when I had truly won.

So I decided that I had zero input in my wife's decision to have or not to have an affair. Where I had 100% input and she had none was the decision over what I would do about it if she did.

Let's be clear. My position is well documented. If she has an A with OM, tries to break it off with OM and, out of weakness, contacts OM again; I did not, do not nor never will consider that a "new" A. It is like traveling in pro basketball. I think those guys travel on lay-ups but the refs always call it as a continuation if they make a shot even though they took three steps.

I think your WW's A is dying. I think she may break NC. You need to be prepared for what you will do if she does. If you find that she has broken NC, you need to confront it, tell her what you intend to do about it (whatever that is) and then follow through with it. Don't ever threaten to do something unless you mean it. WW's are like dogs. Pretty quickly they will learn what they can get by with if you don't swat em on the nose with a newspaper when they're bad.

Now watch someone take THAT out of context. Good thing I'm not running for office. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

I am simply here to vent this morning!

When my WW arrived home from work yesterday -- it appeared she was in another world! Perhaps thinking about OM!

Meanwhile I am being the "sweet H" running around taking care of the house -- feeding kids, cleaning up, run errand for W, put gas in her near-empty car (unknown to her)!

I tell ya' -- I feel used right now!
(I can hear Pio saying pick my battles!!!)

We did not do too much talking yesterday at all! Her time was consumed with curled up in a ball falling asleep or watching TV.

This morning -- her cell phone "buzzed" she read it but did not say who it was from! Usually she would say who it was from (but not this morning) -- could be OM!

Right now, WW is resting in bed, should I go back and lay next to her or just stay UP like I am now!!!

I recorded the time and date so I can check against phone records later. More importantly I resisted the urge to ask her who it was from!

The above may not sound like much, bit this is a battle with my emotions as well -- to avoid any confrontation with her today!

I should not be surprised, because I am assuming the A is still ongoing at this time!

Anyway, thanks for listening!

Do any of you journal at all???

Consider this an online journal entry! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

Go back to bed.

Too late -- she is already up!

I am also up working out on the poratble gym!

I just need to put my "best face" on before I greet her!

I don't want her to see a sulking or ticked off face!

So WW is up.

You're on your best Plan A.

You're sitting here posting on MB.

What's wrong with this picture?

Pio,

We seem to be on plan A!

She saw me working out (and told me she was jealous) -- I asked her to sit with me for a second! She sat on my lap and I gave her a hug and told her I cared about her.

She hugged me in return and said she loved me and that she is not going anywhere!

Man -- that felt good!

Plan A -- full steam ahead!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

W sits on you while you are working out....

That can get interesting <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

Ignoring Pio's dirty mind for a moment and getting back to the subject in hand. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Swade, you should ask her who it was on the phone. She should be happy to tell you if she's in NC. Sitting on your lap and saying she loves you is one thing, transparency is another and it's THOSE actions you need to be looking for.

Don't let her get away with "keeping you happy so you won't notice what else is going on." if that is what she is doing.

You must be vigilent all the time.

KiwiJ - You are on point!

What I did was note the time and date so I could check against the phone records when they arrive! That is why I did not pursue the matter further.

Would that suffice as well without any LBs??

Ya know -- I am curious to know who it was though!

If she becomes defensive, then I will resort to my phone record search as originally planned to avoid any arguments!

Thanks for staying on point!

Pio, you let me down -- I come to you for wisdom and you turn freaky dude! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Let you down? Hardly. I've done far better than give you advice - I've given you motivation. You now have yet another goal to work toward!

And don't knock it if you haven't tried it.

Since the call is now history, don't bring it up. But, to answer your question - no. That is not what KiwiJ meant. She means that you have a right to ask. You will know by WW's reaction what is happening. If she says it was only her sister's friend's veterinarian, fine. Verify that with the phone bill. If she was lying, call her on it.

My simple rule is if something bothers you, deal with it. Don't let things fester. Now what will WW think about you always doubting her? Is that an LB? It is. But you have to protect yourself as well. Be careful not to LB yourself. Better to put out the fire while it is still small.

Pio -- seriously, you've been dishin' out some good word!!!

Instead of LB'ing myself -- I can always check the call against the next phone bill (it just comes out at the end of the month)!

Real question is -- do I want to wait that long?

The one question I usually asked WW is "have you had any personal or phone contact with OM since (date you said it was over)?"

Why ask her? I can already tell you her answer. It will be "no". I know that because it was what my WW always said even though she was still in contact. I suggest you stop asking the question.

If the phone rings, I prefer to simply ask "who was that?" in a normal conversational manner. If she is in NC, she will answer in a normal manner.

You two will go through some adjustment as this goes along. She will be a little defensive. You will be a little cautious. But you both need to work on radical honesty. It may be a step-change in your M but it is both a good and necessary one. Almost two years on, A apparently long since over and yet I still ask who called. I don't check the bill to verify it any more. But I still ask.

cn barly lif fingrz. ben wrkin out 3 hrs hping ww com down. she still sleepng. i tired...

ROTFLMAOPMP!!!!!!!!!

(It took me a while......)

I told WW that I was going to take the day off tomorrow to spend with her on her day off (honestly.......)!

She said I did not have to take time off to check up on her -- she then said I have nothing to worry about!

I explained to her that I wanted to take D5 to babysitter so we could go to breakfast in the morning (something different)!

I used this lead in to ask her if she has maintained NC since she said it was over last Sat and she says she has maintained NC!

She also said the phone call this morning was her phone calendar alerting her about a doctor's appointment today (she was calm)!

Whew....I fell better for the moment!

Again, I can always check the phone bill later to confirm! (as long as there is no 2nd cell phone tucked away.......I NEED NOT GO THERE!!!)

swade,

About checking the phone bill at the end of the month - I just thought of a great way to try to explain this to you.

If you are house-training a dog and he pees on the carpet, how long do you wait before you swat him on the nose with the newspaper?

How effective will your house-training plan be if you wait a month after he poops on the kitchen floor to give him a good smack?

[and for any animal rights activists who are offended by that - no animals were harmed in the making of this post]

Got your point!

I will calmly ask -- "Who was that"! when it occurs!

I'm ambivalent about this. As far as your actions go, I recommend you do whatever you feel you need to do. Don't let WW dictate your actions. The fact is you have a lot to worry about because you have been betrayed. I'm not saying she is in contact with OM. I'm just saying that you have to do a great number of things to feel safe again. Actual trust will take years. WW may (okay - will) get frustrated by this at times. But you know what they say? Don't do the crime if you can't do the time.

You will do quite a number of irrational things before this is over. I suspect that WW's A will be over for her long before it is for you. Funny thing is - they can't seem to grasp that. Puzzling.

just to add....

there were times where my WW got so frustrated that she would insist that I smell her underwear. I never got to actually doing it but I can tell you that you have some difficult times ahead. I think she just watches too much Maury Povich. I'm sure that's were she got that idea.

I hear you loud and clear!

Man, these A's leave such an imprint on you!

Even at this very moment, I have alot of nervous energy inside of me!

I need to exercise this energy out of me!

You might just want to tuck this one away because I suspect it will be 6-12 months before it becomes a real problem but it is on my mind for some reason. For me the A has four major phases:

1) WW finally meets her soulmate, falls madly in love, the scales fall from her eyes making her finally see what a loser you really are and she plans to sail off into the sunset and live happily ever after. The A is a thing of beauty.

Time passes…

2) BH becomes aware of A. BH is scared and confused. BH also believes he is a loser and that WW has finally met her soulmate. WW’s fog spills over onto BH. The A is larger than life. It is gargantuan in its proportion. It is the irresistible force which we are incapable of stopping. BH has no self-respect.

More time passes…

3) WW finally sees the A for what it really was. WW is truly thankful that BH allowed her to remain in the M. WW becomes happy as never before. WW suffers shame from finally recognizing the A for the grotesque aberration it truly was. WW throws herself fully into the M and wants to begin recovery.

Yet even more time passes…

4) BH has regained self-respect. BH now begins to see the A for the grotesque aberration it truly was. In contrast, however, BH is not happy about this. BH is in a raging fury that his life was disrupted and nearly destroyed for something so pitiful. BH demands a divorce.

You’re at step two.

Killing the A is only part of the process. Once the A is dead, you two had better dedicate yourselves to building a better marriage. Go to an MB weekend. Read the books. Practice the four rules. If not, you may not survive step 4. You think the hard part is over? Don’t delude yourself. But you can make it.