I appreciate the attention and advice!

I will reread my entire thread!

Also - I will draft a NC letter today and ask to get a home address from OM (this can also lend itself to reaching OMW) to which to send the NC ltr.

While WW did agree to NC, we did not agree on the BCs for transparency yet.

I know this is important to discuss and WW will most likely try to 'negotiate' (putting it lightly) the BCs.

Pio

To establish BCs:

Do I ask WW what she is willing to do or do I give her a list of BCs she needs to establish?

For BCs:
Change cell phone# (main contact method)
No txt msg

I will need to monitor her computer for future potential contact and hold her accountable.

Pio has given you some excellent advice. Follow it.

I would also recommend you cc: yourself on your no contact letter so OM knows you and your wife are a team in this decision. United front.

Get busy!
Jo

You tell her what she has to do to satisfy your needs. But don't be unreasonable.

I have many internet problems tonight. I hope I can even post this.

As you suggested,

I plan to request the following:

1) Send NC letter with our joint agreement
2) If not change cell #, remove txt messaging (rationale - she could provide a new number to OM as well)
3) (unknown to WW) I will monitor comcputer traffic with appropriate sw.
4) Monitor cell phone activity.

Cont.

5. Audit of belongings such as: purse. wallet, etc. (phone cards are a big cheater-tool as are new CCs for gift buying)

6. Mileage check on her car when off to run errands, etc.

7. Regular co-Counseling sessions with the Harleys

8. New unidentifiable keys on her key chain (could be a key to OM's place/car or to a PO Box, lock box, etc.)

9. Thorough and frequent review of the CC bills and bank statements for unexplained expenditures

10. Block OM's land line/cell number on all phones

11. Regular audit search of her car for hiding places

WOW - the phone card one just floored me!

That would be a tough one to stay on top of.

Cards could be hidden anywhere!

Tell me about it. My WW was not too bright. If she had been smart, she would have just written down the number on a piece of paper. She never did that fortunately. But I can't begin to tell you how much time I spent looking for phone cards.

That is why I cut off the source. That is why I ended up having to leave her without a penny to spend without me knowing about it. It truly was like watching a junkie going through withdrawal.

Looking ahead to discussions of BCs:

Tell me if this is overboard --

If WW does not agree to the main BC of NC via cell phone tranparency, I would be inclined to have her leave and live on her own (something I know she could not do from a financial standpoint nor would want to do to leave kids).

I believe WW realizes that OM is not the fantasy she dreamed of - OM is married and has lied to my WW.

I know I would have a tough time doing plan A with her gone, but I just don't want to enable the A in any fashion.

Is this reasonable?

Actually I do think it is time that you finally draw that line in the sand. Now is when you have to get tough.

You have to make it very clear to WW exactly what is acceptable and what is not. Do in nicely but yes - now is the time to set very clear an measurable guidelines.

This is what I have been asking you. You lay down a rule. What is your response if she breaks that rule? Have your decision made ahead of time.

My WW never liked me going through her purse from day one of our relationship. I never did. That was her "space". Not any more. I'll go through her purse any time I wish. She doesn't mind. There just can't be any secrets in a marriage. Never. Affair or no affair.

And you might want to go back and edit your first post on the thread so you can edit the thread title and remove the question marks. I think you have finally drawn the line.

Swade,

I want to try to make this a little more clear. I said you need to get tough. What I meen is strong as titanium. The things your WW needs to see and hear from you right now are:

1) You absolutely love her
2) You absolutely will not tolerate OM in her life
3) You will do absolutely anything for this M
4) She can trust you absolutely to fulfill 1 thru 3

You have to be steadfast in your mission. Let her know she can count on you.

And when you get mad or depressed, come vent here. Never let her see you sweat.

Swade,

How can I make this clear to you? OM is not now, has never been nor never will be the problem. I don't care if OM is Prince Charming. OM isn't in this equation.

WW's feelings for OM are her feelings. Stop thinking about OM. Stop trying to overanalyze this.

The task is pretty simple. NC. Nothing more - nothing less.

Pio nailed it.

Harley tells us a WS is addicted to the way the OP makes them feel about themselves.

So its not the OP they're addicted to.

Swade, for someone who has been in this situation yourself, you're being a tad naive.

FWIW, after an A only going for a couple of months I doubt there'll be too much evidence of anything around.

I had NO evidence anywhere of anything over 18 months. There WAS no evidence because, over 18 months, there was sporadic email contact, no gifts, no love notes, no reminders, no nothing. There were cellphone records I guess but apart from that, nothing.

Actually, it was the OP I was addicted to. For 28 years I'd never looked at another man but for 28 years I'd held a torch for the OP.

Hold a match too long and you get burned.

Ain't that the truth.

[sorry for the t/j]

KiwiJ,

Can you have a look at jcool's thread? I don't have anything to offer her but I thought you might.

Will do

Jen -- what are you saying I am naive - clarify for me.

For me the cell phone is the primary means of comm between WW and OM -- she has received 865 txt msgs since 1 June.

Thanks