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Jen -- what are you saying I am naive - clarify for me. No disrespect to KiwiJ but you and I are in the same boat, swade. I don't get what she is saying either. Hopefully she'll clarify.
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Actually, it was the OP I was addicted to. For 28 years I'd never looked at another man but for 28 years I'd held a torch for the OP. And for 28 years you drew upon how he made you feel about yourself from those times that you were together. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />
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Especially since her OM confessed that the only reason he got her into the affair was so that he could ruin her life. What a guy.
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[quick t/j]
Good morning to you, Pio.
Just read your TKO thread regarding the GSM thingie. I suspect this thread where we were discussing auditing possibly triggered the incident. Your thoughts?
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No. I have a thing about cell phones. I have a thing about WW's buying secret GSM cards. What showed up in the caller ID triggered it. I expected to see "unknown number". If I had called eariler, waited for WW to get up, or she had never called, I would have been fine. It just wasn't my day.
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Swade,
You have got to expose A to OMW asap. It is your best weapon right now.OM has not consequences for his actions and this allows him to freely pursue your WW. Do you know his full name? If not, directly ask your WW. Then go to the tax records on line & find out where he lives. Do it NOW!!!
Me BS (41)
FWH (43)
DS 15
DS 10
together since I was 17 (24 yrs)
Married 17 yrs.
dday#1 11/05
MC 02/06 NC broken at same time w/o my knowledge
dday#2 05/06
Seperated 05/06-09/06
Reconciled 09/06 so far so good since
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Jaded I have his name! Believe me I am still trying to find OMW to expose OM. Any specific site for the tax info?
You are right -- OM has not felt any consequences for this A.
I told my WW this morning as far as I am concerned nothing has changed since:
She seems to balk at trying to acquire a home address for OM to send an NC ltr to.
BS(Me) - 47
Ex-W - 44
D final - Dec 08
Kids - 14s,13d,8d
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Swade, I meant that you have seen this from the other side (yourself). Surely that's given you insight into what your wife is feeling. That's what I meant by naive. Jo, you are SO right. You're quite a smartie aren't you. (I mean that in a good way not a sarcastic way <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />) Anyway, this isn't about me, for me it's long gone.
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go on to your county property tax appraiser. You can usually do a search with only his first & last name that will give you an address. Also, try a yahoo search if you haven't already or a local newspaper search of his name. You'd be surprised what goodies you can come up with on the internet.
Me BS (41)
FWH (43)
DS 15
DS 10
together since I was 17 (24 yrs)
Married 17 yrs.
dday#1 11/05
MC 02/06 NC broken at same time w/o my knowledge
dday#2 05/06
Seperated 05/06-09/06
Reconciled 09/06 so far so good since
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Seems WW 'hesitant to take NC steps just yet!
I went ahead and blocked txt messaging on phone of course without WW knowing -- she will soon find out though that I am not keeping any secrets about transparency.
BS(Me) - 47
Ex-W - 44
D final - Dec 08
Kids - 14s,13d,8d
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Seems WW 'hesitant to take NC steps just yet! Failure is not an option.
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Absoultely right at this point - Pio.
I told WW that basically nothing has changed until the NC and transparency begins.
If she does not comply, I have asked her to leave!
There will be NO MORE secrets and passwords.
BS(Me) - 47
Ex-W - 44
D final - Dec 08
Kids - 14s,13d,8d
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I'm curious:
Has any BS settled for WW NC acknowledgement to OM in a form other than ltr?
I realize that NC is the goal, but it seems that OM is really private and has no published info for me to send an NC ltr. I have spent a few $$$ on PI in past and I need to save some $$$.
I have my background sw loaded on WW's computer and I have started monitoring it for future contact.
I am also set for cell phone monitoring.
I have also blocked txt messaging on WW's cell phone.
I feel pretty set in my stance that if WW does not comply, and although I do love her, I have no problem asking her to leave if she does not comply.
She responded to me this afternoon by saying that she loves me and just us two will make this M work (I heard Pio in my mind whispering "don't pay attention to the words, but watch her actions!")
BS(Me) - 47
Ex-W - 44
D final - Dec 08
Kids - 14s,13d,8d
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My WW's NC was done by phone call. I told her what I would and would not allow her to say on the call. I stood right beside her as she made the call. Unfortunately I didn't try to listen to what OM was saying. In hindsight, I would have listened.
I told her:
No ILY's
No I'll miss you
No I'm sorry it turned out this way
She basically told him that she was staying in her home, going to work on her marriage and wanted no contact with OM again and that he should get on with his life.
AFAIK that's the last contact she ever had.
If you go this route, establish clear guidelines of what she is allowed to say. Keep the call short. Don't give her any opportunity to leave the door open for OM.
I do believe that hearing herself say those words helped her.
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Let me add that OM had left for another country. I can't remember if I had his email address at the time. For us, phone call was the most immediate route.
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Having not found MB, we never did a NC letter. It didn't cause us problems.
Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
D-Day August 2005
Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23
Empty Nesters.
Fully Recovered.
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WW came home form shopping and said she made the NC call to OM. I suspected as such as I saw a cell phone call made when she left the house.
She said she and OM spoke for a while (hmmmmm) -- he wanted to say some things that he never said before (WW did not want to say what was said except its over).
WW also agreed to remove password from cell phone. No txt messaging will be allowed as well.
I will be monitoring all WW communication traffic to ensure NC is maintained.
WW also wants to read in SAA regarding the withdrawal period and I also suggested she read the entire book.
Are there any red flags I need to be concerned with regarding how the above occurred this evening?
BS(Me) - 47
Ex-W - 44
D final - Dec 08
Kids - 14s,13d,8d
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Should I be concerned if WW does not want to disclose any details of the conversation?
She'd probably not tell me the truth if I asked pointed questions - right?
BS(Me) - 47
Ex-W - 44
D final - Dec 08
Kids - 14s,13d,8d
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No red flags. It is unfortunate she made the call on her own. The problem with a call like that is I'm certain she said things like "if only things had been different" or "I'll miss you" or "I'll see you in my dreams" etc.
The problem is that isn't an NC call. That is an open invitation to OM to keep coming back. That's like saying "I can't see you any more but please come see me".
Okay. Water under the bridge. Now just live with it and see if WW truly does maintain NC. If not, adjust. But as long as she is maintaining 100% absolute NC, start looking ahead rather than back.
If contact is made and you have to have another NC call, do NOT let WW make it on her own. Hopefully you won't have to worry about that.
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Should I be concerned if WW does not want to disclose any details of the conversation? Don't ask. Take it a different way. Tell her that now that she has made the NC call, she needs to maintain it. You will be watching for any sign of violation. You know this will be difficult for her but that each day that she goes with NC will make it that much easier. Continuing contact will only make her miserable. Just accept this as the deal done and you are expecting 100% compliance. Now. What are you going to do when she violates NC? She very likely will. How are you going to react?
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