My previous post; what should I do, has gotten buried. Tonight my H, who is still not talking just comes and goes like he is in a hotel was looking for something and I asked what he was looking for, he ignored me, I asked again, thinking he hadn't heard me, he ignored me again. Now I've had just about enough. So I mentioned that he still lives here, is he planning to work a little extra to make up for a trip we just took, he said "we'll see" I asked if he wanted to talk, do you want a divorce or what....he said he just does not want to talk to me, does not want to hear my voice. I lost it. How can you sit there after lying to me, after me catching that little b**^h in lies, how can you be indignat that your privicy was violated....my LIFE was violted, I treated you like a king and you are barely a dog...ok big LB I know but being ignored isn't doing me a world of good either.

What on earth should I do. I want to cry and hit him in his hard head and go back to the wonderful illusion of everything being ok and not know what I know because it hurts too much to know it. Is there hope for this, if so what should I do now. And how on earth can be be so doggone self righteous when he is so wrong???

I guess what I need to know is what to do when the WH won't even talk. Just sits like a self righteous bump on a log....can you tell that I'm aggravated? Part of me would like the big dummy to just move out, which I suggested he might do since the OWH has dumped her so she has room. GRRRR. But doggone it I really love him otherwise I wouldn't be so sad in between all the indignation.

Details:

You have kids?

Does husband and OW work together?

Have you read Surviving an Affair?

Do you know what Plan A is, complete with carrot AND stick?

Have you protected yourself financially?

Do you work?

Larry

Hi Larry, thanks for the quick response. My other thread on GQII got buried "what should I do". I have one DS13, amazing kid. He and my H are fairly typical father and son. I divorced his father when he was 2 so this is the only dad he has ever known. We have been together 5 years, married for 3 in July.

They do not work together.

About to get the book.

I know what plan A is, this is a very new sitch, just exploded on Sat morn. Please see other thread, I don't know how to link them. I blew up at him tonight, which I never do especially like that, I'm the peace maker.

Everything is in my name but in MO it's community property so he has a right to half of everything. He has no access to the credit cards, checks or primary checking account. I handle the finances and made sure that things were 'out of the way'.

Should I write a letter....if you want this to work you/we need to do xyz? I'm going to IC this week at church. I bounce between wanting to never see his face again and missing his sweet face. I feel psychotic!

I know that anger. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Read SAA, HNHN (both by Harley) & Love must be tough (Dobson)
U take the EN questionnaire.

Now let's take a look at his babble and learn what tools you can glean from it.

Example:

WS: I don't want to talk with you, I don't like the sound of your voice.

Helpful Hint: Send via e-mail -

WS,

Heard you don't like the sound of my voice. Not sure why. Wonder if you need to see an ENT specialist. Here's the name of one or go to our regular doctor for a referral.

BS.

NOTE: Give your doctor's office and the ENT specialist a heads up. Our GP was informed in advance of the A so that when the WS went in for a checkup, the doctor let him have it about screwing around with his health. WS' have unhealthy habits and it often shows.

Depending on how he responds, you remember his 'sensitive' hearing problem and continue to send e-mails.

That is not all you do. Work on improving yourself (plan A). Make yourself irresistible in all aspects (physically, mentally and emotionally).

Bite the tongue on the LBs (this is hard t/d but practice...). Learn to reverse babble. Be cunning.

Pray for a clear mind, calm heart and lots of patience.

Get a good MC one familiar with MB concepts or better yet, call Steve H @ MB for a plan. Steve will handle his counseling over the phone. Very convenient.

L.

The anger is suffocating at times, so is the sadness.

He is so self righteous! Trying to be the victim because I was snooping.

There are rumors that I'm following up on. I talked with a mutual friend who says there might be a child out there that I don't know about. That would explain why he doesn't show me his paychecks and when I ask about them he tells me his dad said you should never let a woman know how much you make. Wierd culture!

He rarely reads his email. I thought of that. He gets so much junk he just deletes it. As I know him, if he doesn't want to talk with me he won't read anything either. He is very stubborn.

I guess I'll work on me.

I wonder if there is a point where I'll ever trust him again.

I miss him.....the him I thought I knew....so deeply.

Bookmark your thread so you can always come back to it, and then keep posting to it, so that it comes back to the front. It's FAR easier for everyone to have the full story in one spot so they know what advice has already been given and can find your history without asking.

How do I bookmark it?

I just read over plan A again. I sure messed up last night. Ok, dust off and start over. I'm going to IC at the church this afternoon. It will be a releaf to cry in saftey and get some of that sad energy out.

BTW, plan A is not for wimps! Yike it's rough!

How do I link my old thread to this one?

I admire all of you veterans so much. I had no idea how resiliant you all are until now. I feel like I'm trying to learn to ride a two wheel bike and I'm all wobbly. Thanks to each of you for not letting me fall.

FYI, here is a link to your previous thread:

what should I do?

Mr. Thanks so much. How do I include that link in my sig line?

1) Click on your username to the left of your last post.

2) Click on "My Home".

3) Under "Main Configuration", click on the word "Edit" to the right of "Personal information, email, password, etc."

4) Scroll down to the "Signature" text box.

5) Copy the following code, exactly as it appears, into the Signature text box:
6) Click the "Preview" button to see how it looks.

7) Hopefully, if I didn't mess something up and it looks good, click on "Submit" at the bottom of the page.

Let me know if this works for you. I'll edit this post to make any corrections if necessary.


P.S. A couple of more advanced tips - you can create your own URL links in a message or in your signature by typing:
where you replace [color:"blue"]LINK[/color] with the actual URL, and replace [color:"blue"]DisplayName[/color] with what you want to be displayed on the screen.

If you're lazy like me (or, ahem, "efficient" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />), then you can copy & paste the URL. I almost never type them - I either right-click and "Copy Shortcut", or copy it from the Address Bar in my browser.

Good luck!

Mr.

Wow! That was neat, thanks!

Ok, now what on earth do I do. I'm going to IC in an hour. H won't speak to me, especially after my LBing yesterday. Should I just let him be in his alien fog and get fabulous?

I went to IC. I didn't cry as much as I thought I would. I really want this marriage to work but it takes two to tango. Most of the time I'm fine and working on being a better me and setting goals and praying and all of a sudden I just want to cry.

He still won't speak to me. I asked him if he would like me to cook something for him. "No" and that was that. That's the only thing he has said to me in the last 24 hours.

How can he be so heartless and cold when he is so wrong. Should I just get him out of the house now and get on with my life? I'm praying that God do a mighty work in him, that he is humbled enough to understand the depth of this mess he caused.

what should I do now? I can't even plan A if there is no conversation can I?

He has to be mean and cold, because otherwise he would look like the BIG JERK that he is. Continue being pleasant, and doing your own thing. He is caught and he knows it, so he will blame you.

Control yourself, and do Plan A without disrespectful judgements or angry outbursts. If he ignores you, go clean the toilets, or some other productive thing.

I'm losing my mind. I'm being pleasant and sweet and keeping my mouth shut. He won't speak to me, comes in and goes straight to the basement to sleep. I wrote him a very brief note apologizing for my outburst:

"I was wrong to yell at you. This situation hurts because I love you but that did not give me the right to shout at you. I apologize."

I don't even know if he read it. He still has contact with the OW, is being irresponsible with money and comes and goes as he pleases. My son is watching all this confusion go on, and this is no way for a grown man to teach a DS13 to behave. My son is more mature than my husband! I'm getting frustrated!

I want to trust God to do a mighty work in him. And on the other hand I feel like he is using this house as a hotel and making a complete fool of me, just using me till I get sick of it and kick him out. Everything is in my name but since we are in MO it's community property, I'll fight that very hard. I am rapidly losing what little respect I had for him.

What do I do now? Is it time for a deep dark plan B? How do I get him out. Is that the best course of action. Can a chronic liar be inspired to be a decent, ethical man? (He would have a better character if he were raised by wolves!)

ahopefulone,

Mind if I ask you a question? Why do you say your DS is your star and his step?

I have a reason to ask you this question concerning my own son.

HWW

DS13 is mine from a previous marriage. He is the most incredible kid! I love the way he thinks...he shines so bright....a star. He is my H's step son, thus my star and his step.

Ok, so is it wrong to strangle the alien in hopes freeing a husband?????
He over drew the joint checking account yesterday. I left him a voice mail telling him not to withdraw any money. I checked the account this morning, he did it again. I woke him up and told him that we had paid 40.00 in 2 days in overdraft fees and told him that he had agreed that when we got back (We went to CA to visit my parents last week) he would work extra to cover the expenses. I also asked him if I needed to visit a doctor because of his A. He said do what you want, I'm not going. I asked (respectfully) if he could just give me a straight yes or no answer, "this is my health and that impacts DS13". He said jump to any conclusions you want, but he isn't going to a doctor so maybe I shouldn't worry.

He called while I was on my way to work and asked about a camera bag we used on the trip. I about lost it! He is supposed to be out working, not messing with a stupid camera! I asked him what he needed it for and he said don't worry about it. ALL I WANT IS ONE JUST ONE STRAIGHT ANSWER JUST ONE! He has always been evasive and knows it drives me crazy which is one of the reasons he does it.

I almost asked him to move out this morning because this environment is becoming toxic and he sure doesn't seem interested in talking anthing out...and the more time that passes the less I want him to.

I am not a hotel proprieter. I am not mommy.

Old timers, gurus and sages NOW WHAT????

Oh, I see 'step son'. Thanks.