I think (*think*)

the reason this LB is soooooooo difficult for me is

because I don't (didn't) appreciate the

*drip* *drip* *drip* of the love-bank draining drop by precious drop

and I have not always appreciated how this represents a lack of empathy and caring ~~~> on my part

Dr Harley speaks directly to Pepperband when he says:

[color:"blue"]"Remember, whenever you do something that bothers your spouse, whether it's intentional or unintentional, you're making LOVE BANK WITHDRAWLS. " [/color]

*buggers* --- he's talkin' to ME <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

Annoying habits continued:

[color:"blue"]"The complaints you hear (and find annoying) are really cries for help. " [/color]

for some reason, this helps me quite a bit ... my H was giving me a cry for help when he mentioned ~*sluuuuuuuuurp*~ was really annoying

[color:"blue"]"When you tell your spouse to stop complaining and to just accept you as you are, you fail to understand the damage you're doing to your Love Bank Account. " [/color]

got it now Dr Harley .... insert EMPATHY at this point ... not another love buster

[color:"blue"]"For this reason, complaining is the only annoying habit that I encourage couples to keep. " [/color]

holy smokes <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

luckily

Harley says we may not eliminate every annoying habit right away .... he suggests we[color:"blue"] "chip away at them systematically"[/color]

but to begin with the worst ones (as determined BY OUR SPOUSE ...not the ones we wish to eliminate)

EMPATHY

off topic

Mys

getting rid of my annoying habits = caring love

ask your husband

he holds the answer



can you locate your empathy here?

Mys.... my initial instinct (when my H was complaining about ~*sluuuurp*~) was to tell HIM about the chit he does that annoy me ... (oops, yet another confession)

but I did NOT !!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

it was ~only~ because I've been working this book ... that I ignored my instinct (or... is it just another bad habit of mine ???? hmmmmmm) ... and instead of telling my H what HIS annoying habits are (as a response to his complaints) ... instead, I consciously sip hot coffee quietly around my H

but, I AM going to complain about his annoying habits - in the future

just NOT right after he's complained about mine

Off topic

Mys

I don't think you'd like my ideas <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Off topic

Mys

WOW is right.

He's saying to be THANKFUL and to LISTEN TO the complaining...GEEZ...

Cause when my H stops COMPLAINING..Oh Oh..there's the DETACHMENT and LOSS OF INTIMACY and so on and so forth....

So when the timing is right say this, Pep, you think?: "I've listened to your complaining about such and such so now listen to mine?"

And it's so intermingled with other stuff..like my H HATES it when I've GOT TO GET PEOPLE TOLD or I've got to SET THINGS RIGHT"...cause it triggers me doing that LBer of doing that to HIM.. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Thanks for sharing, Pep...

Ok kiddo ~~~ gird your loins! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />



this "reflex" gives you incredible leverage

by implying you have no control over your reflexes, you are controling the entire marriage climate

"I care and have empathy" but then followed by "automatic reflex reaction" ... gives you an out...

I'm not buying this <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

you are controling .... using your weakest parts to avoid necessary changes

recently, I DID something similar (lesser degree, but similar)

my H was driving

and for the umteenth time I had a jolting *gasp* and my body *jerked* when I thought H did not see an approaching car

I scared the ~snot~ out of my H
and he got MAD at me

I told him ... "I can't help it. It was a reflex."

but then ..... thinking more about it ... I made a conscious effort to CONTROL myself better

to breathe and purposefully relax

it is not OK to keep doing something that is destroying your husband's love for you ... and painting yourself as helpless to change

I believe you can change this if you want to

and you believe it as well, deep inside

LOL Mimi <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I feel your pain <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

off topic

Mys

Mys...
does this sound like you.... if so, these reponses are a real medical condition as a result of a trauma...you mentioned two things that made me think of this since I deal with PTSD people all the time.

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder—Persistent symptoms that occur after experiencing a traumatic event such as rape or other criminal assault, war, child abuse, natural disasters, or crashes. Nightmares, flashbacks, numbing of emotions, depression, and feeling angry, irritable or distracted and being easily startled are common.

PTSD is a serious condition that could require medication. The first and best step is talk therapy....just be careful not to let too many worms out of the jar at once. Anti-anxiety meds on a prn basis or possibly even ad's (although I am never quick to recommend them) may also be in order.

I hope this is helpful.

We judge ourselves by our intent.
Others judge us by our behavior.

Off topic

Mys

the result is most controling

because H just asking you to change makes him appear the bad guy

Why do you say this?

I am not disputing his need to have me change. I AGREE with him.

Please point out where I have said my H is wrong for asking for these changes.

Mys

there is a purpose served for all our behavior

there is a pay off

own it (the pay off) and you will be closer to finding your solution

step one:

Mys ~~~> "The pay off I get for continuing my behavior is (fill in)."