Well Orchid, I am definitely getting soft......(not in the mid section though, I can still wear size 33 pants)... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> but with time and experience I am more flexible in looking at a situation and appreciating other views. I may still disagree, but I have definitely come around on some of my views and opinions regarding this site and others experiences. I will NEVER relent on the STD issue and total lack of mention of the risks on the site, but other issues and advice given here make alot more "sense" to me now almost 3 years later. However, I yearn to be a rebel again......please help me find the way back there... advice??? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Lem

Aloha LM,

I like u just the way u r.... I can still see the rebel in u kickin'. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

We learn and grow no matter what our age. Part of life, I guess.

Your stance and straight forward opinion is a breathe of fresh air. Ok, I'll stop being mushy. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> But I do appreciate your posts.

Everytime I watch your TV twin, I think about you. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Btw, great post about organ donors.

Keep up the good work. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Mahalo,
L.

Xetta, follow the plan; everything that you mentioned in the PBL should be satisfied prior to your WH coming home.

My FWH said all of the right things last time around, then he moved home, we called the Harleys and got a plan, but he never stopped seeing OW. They found excuses to have lunch or talk. The biggest excuse was that they were breaking up and needed to talk about how difficult it was for one another. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

No coming home until the conditions are met; not sorta not kinda, not halfway there, but met. Do not go soft on this at all. Do not allow him to breach the Plan B until he has given in to the process.

My FWH hasn't really had much of a problem with withdrawal this time around, as he is committed to the recovery process. It's still awkward and strange, and nothing seems natural, but I know it will again, with a willing partner.

Xetta, no bending on this. NONE. If you said NC, you need to decide what the proof will be. How will he show you that he isn't contacting OW? Can you view his phone records online, also his email (all of them possible) bank records, etc? Get all of the info you need to be comfortable with even talking to him.

I had one very long false recovery, and one very short; both were excruciating and devastating to myself, as well as my son. My son was so hurt over and over by our separations, it was horrible to watch.

Also, if your WH really wants to come home, and you are satisfied with his NC and commitment, then quitting his job and moving home is very important. You cannot recover apart, without living the day to day together. You will suffer from detachment and not be able to connect without seeing eachother, not just hearing, but seeing, touching.

Take care, Xetta. Be strong.

Good info from SL. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Xetta, how r u doing? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> I've been talking w/Jim. He worries about you. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Hugz,
L.

Doing ok, Orchid...

Today happens to be our 16th Wedding Anniversary. I am sort of bummed out today, but holding my own. I have spoken to H. several times. He asked me to make an appointment with a marriage counselor, so he seems to be committed to recovery. He will be in town on Sunday evening. Yes, I do understand that he has to move back here and he does as well. Things still have to ironed out and I am taking this cautiously. Whenever I even start thinking too rashly, Jim is there to graciously hit me over the head with a 2X4. Just trying to take things one moment at a time right now...

Why are YOU making the appt.? B/c he works out of town so much?

Caution is good...slow is good...

I think you ahve your head on tight...LMAO...Thanks to jim! LMAO

One moment at a time is good! You WILL/ARE donig this!

H. is on his way home from Missouri. This is signicant step for him. He's broke it off with OW and will not see her again. The withdrawal is already starting. He called and he already sounds like he is hurting. He will be here for the next week. Right now, I am climbing the walls. I want to be happy, but I am so nervous right now. It will be another 5 hours before he's back here yet and I know that they will be the slowest ones of my life...

One day at a time.... One moment at a time...

Question: I can't concentrate on anything right now... Should I dress really well and look really good for when he arrives?

I think you should look great- make sure the house looks great . . .make a welcome home sign, tie a yellow ribbon round the old oak tree <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

YES...and do everything you can to pull him towards you and away from the OW. Look nice, smell nice, cook his favourite meal, and make the home as relaxing as posible for him. Give him a taste of what he has been missing and what he will continue to miss if he can't meet your Plan B conditions.

You are receiving excellent advice here so all I will say is:

1) Watch his ACTIONS not his WORDS
2) Stay GUARDED and protect your heart

bake him something he likes

Not extra special. Don't widen the gap. IMHO, I think it w/b better t/b dressed in comfortable clothes. Look like you are enjoying your home. Not too fluffed up.

He is going to come home dejected. Don't be too happy, be a bit distant and know he w/b going through withdrawals.

Somber but nice is a good balance. Probably welcome him home and go shopping.

He may feel like a stranger in his own home and you've got to give him time to adjust. Give him that space.

L.

I like MF's advice...favorite cookies, maybe? Make the house smell inviting and familiar.

Also, a very light touch of a fragrance he might associate with you? Tap into that underappreciated sense of smell to trigger positive associations. He may not even recognize it, but somewhere in the recesses of his brain...maybe??

Just guessing, here...

Otherwise, I'm thinking casual dress, too. Low key.

one can look 'hot' in casual clothes, too <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Thanks for the advice... I pray to God that he can make it through the withdrawal... I pray every moment that God will give him the strength. In addition, I am doing everything that I possibly can right now to make it easier. I plan to be agreeable as possible this week. In addition, it's his birthday tomorrow, so I am planning on making T-bones on the grill, onions and mushrooms, salad, and grilled potatoes. In addition, the kids want to make his birthday cake tonight as well. I am as much as I can right now...

One more thing... don't set your expectations of him too high right now. That was one mistake I made. I thought once he was home HE would be doing everything right when he walked through that door. I was wrong. First, he had no idea what I EXPECTED (he wouldn't have HEARD it anyway) and second, he was still foggy and going through withdrawal.

So, make you and your home welcoming but remember, your H is not all there yet and won't be able to meet your expectations and/or needs right away. It's a long road-- recovery is-- and certainly not a smooth one. If he's sincere, then he'll begin trying to make things up to you once the fog lifts.

Hang tight.

2x4 handy WACK

Jen, I will keep wacking you till the OW is is GONE, and confirmed GONE

IMHO He HAS NOT met condition #1. Having the OW still in his Appt is NOT Ending it. Saying she is moving as fast as she can isn't ending ti... Moving her crap to the curb for her, changing the locks, and non listing the phone number is ending it! This OW nearly destroyed your family!

I would not accept nor tolerate OW being in WH APPT under any conditions!

I am not sorry, friends don't say what you want to hear, they say what you need to hear... WACK WACK WACK


Last I knew (friday evening) the OW was not out of the house yet. I am very concerned your being played. I have expressed this MANY times! Since The OW is still living in the WH appt (or was at least friday) I would have not let him come home period... As I asked you if this was his job and she had to be gone now or he was fired... You said she would been history question on the spot. Well sister you and the Kids are more improtant then a darn job.

Maybe I am a wet blanket or maybe I am the voice of reason for a 300lb gorrilla (OW) sleeping in your WH appt.


Jim

Yikes! I didn't realize OW was still in the picture, even IF she's in another town. Your WH's only in town for a week right? This is not recovery yet.

Jim/Ken is RIGHT. Can't believe I missed that one important tidbit.

edited for typo

need an update jen how is it going?

He will not make it thru withdrawal until OW is gone completely. I would not spend one more moment on a false recovery than you already have. Your children need their dad back from this day forward without anything getting in the way; the more times that false recoveries are allowed, the less trust your children have for your having their best interest in mind.

The more false recoveries you endure, the less likely you are to be aggreeable to full recovery, and the harder that recovery will be.

Do not take him back until OW is completely gone. Tell him this, that there will be no excuses that are acceptable, NONE. Put her out or come home, and cut her out completely. It is disrespectful, in the least, to believe that you should put up with the OW for even one portion of a second.