Simply calling the police because her name is on the mortgage/deed solely wouldn't do the trick for getting you out of the house...You are MARRIED and share a COMMON DOMICILE...It matters not what name is on the mortgage/deed...Of course, there are WWs here that have gone before a judge and gotten restraining orders under false pretenses, so there is a risk there, but one well worth it and like jim, I would suggest that you invest in that voice activated digital recorder for just that reason...

Also, I would recommend that you KEEP snooping, you need to know the wayward stategy now...I would recommend putting a keylogger on her computer...

And yes, EXPOSE, EXPOSE, EXPOSE...Do NOT fear your wife's anger, you marriage and family can survive that, but they can't survive a continuing affair...Go with the advice you are getting here, it is sound...

Mrs. W

Here's the thing...when she gets all bent out of shape that 'everyone knows'...ask her what did she THINK would happen??? That she would keep it a secret forever from everyone? That she wouldn't get caught, that no one would care?

Don't let her turn the blame back on you. Simply ask her to think about this...is the issue that you went to people asking for helping repairing your marriage, or is the real issue simply that she's embarassed and upset because she was cheating on you in the first place?

Don't ask her for an answer, just tell her that this is something she needs to think about. Was the real wrong here you asking for help in rebuilding your marriage, or is the real issue the fact that she slept with another man and she's now got to deal with facing the consequences of it? She's now afraid that no one will let her get over it?

I exposed to EVERYONE...and luckily my wife realized why I did it, and accepted the responsibility for her actions immediately. It actually worked out good in another way...it turned out my sister had had an emotional affair starting with someone once, and actually could help my wife realize that there WAS a chance for our marriage to recover.

DON'T BE AFRAID OF WHAT SHE'LL DO.

I must say... all of this is extremely insightful. I know that there are a few "alies" that I can recruit, and her family being a key set. I will be having a full day away with her closest brother and can talk with him. She was devastated that I talked with him about the thought of her having an A... let alone me telling him she is having one. Quite frankly my family wouldn't be able to put the pressure on her, so I am thinking just co-workers of hers as well as her family. I will read the sample letters to work.
No arguing last night... she looks at me like I drank some kind of KoolAid and am trying to be a better person and spending more time with our son etc. I think she will finally get it.
She did change her password so I can't get into her email now since Saturday, but I know they are still communicating. In order to register the keylogger software I used as a trial I will have to put it on a credit card which she will suspect.
Are there any truly stealth keyloggers that are free or have a decent trial (that will not pop up with windows to purchase it while she is online?)

Go to a computer store and buy it yourself. Or - put it on a friend or family member's credit card and pay them back. You need the keylogger to monitor her. Just like anything you do in trying to save this marriage. Quit with the excuses and find a way to make it happen. Don't be easily frustrated. Use you energy to find a way to get things done. Determination is key. You need to be more determined to save the M than she is determined to destroy it.

But I am determined to save this marriage!!!

I will go to every effort to do so. This is all extremely new to me and I am trying to deal first with myself so I don't go off the deep end, and then making sure our home is a safe and supportive one.

Believe me... I will do all that I said I will in terms of exposure, etc.

GC-

I just bumped a thread for you to look at...and I'll provide a link to you here. It outlines a lot of good ways to gather the intel you need to bust the affair. Read through it, pose any questions you've got about how to use the ideas either here or on that thread.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...rue#Post3191987


Right now, you know the affair is still going on...she's just taken it underground. You have enough information to expose on what you already know. Expose to HER family, asking them for help to save your marriage. Explain to them how much you love her and want to work things out, that you know that you CAN work things out. Make sure they hear that message of love, and tell them clearly you're not doing this to hurt your wife, you're doing this to ask their help in saving your marriage.

Do NOT tell your wife that you're going to tell anyone else. She'll do damage control and spin it to make you sound crazy, etc...

This is ALL plan A. Exposure AND working to meet her emotional needs. It goes hand in hand. You should be making the changes in your behavior and attitude right now, alongside fighting to end the affair. It sounds like you're on the right track. Keep it up, and ask any questions about what you're doing here, we'll try to help.

I will try and try and try again

And if she wants me out after the exposure and sites irreconcilable differences, do I insist on staying in the home or accomodate her wishes... move out temporarily and continue to bust the A from outside looking in?

YOU STAY HOME!!!

Under NO circumstances do you move out!

You can't stop her from leaving...but you're not the one being unfaithful, and you will NOT leave your home.

This should be your mantra.

If she goes berserk, simply tell her that you're not going anywhere. If she starts screaming and yelling...you just let her rant. The louder she gets, the quieter you get. When she gets done with her yelling and shouting, pause for at least 5 seconds before responding...then reply in a VERY quiet voice with your response. NO anger or yelling on your part at all. It's a great way to defuse her anger tactics.

Do not waffle on moving out. Make it clear that you are NOT moving out, end of story. If she decides to go, you can't stop her. But you're not going to fund her moving out and shacking up with someone else either. If she goes, she goes on her own.

As mentioned in previous discussions... I know it is our marital home... but her name is the one on the deed / mortgage. It is also the home of her 10 year old son (my step son). So, the only person that would possibly leave is me.

We do, however have plenty of bedrooms and she has brought up the fact that we can stay in separate rooms.

Again, that's HER choice to make, not yours.

It doesn't matter who's name is on the lease as far as I know...its now MARITAL property. JOINT property...which means you've got the same rights she does. The thing is...you're MARRIED, and that's the home you both SHARE. As long as you're not breaking any laws, there's no way she could force you to leave.

If you're that worried about it, call your local sherriff's department and ask them about it. Make it clear that there's no domestic violence or anything like that...tell them the flat out truth...that your wife is having an affair and you think she may try to force you out of the home in some fashion. See what they say. Not to mention...if you go to them first like this, IF they have to come out later, it might play in your favor that you presented yourself first as the calm one in the situation.

If SHE decides to move to another bed/bedroom, again, let that be HER choice. You stay in YOUR bed. Again, this is about letting her suffer the consequences of HER choices...not forcing you to suffer for her choices. Make sense?

How can she FORCE you to do anything you don't want to?

The program I use not only logs keystrokes, it logs sites visited and takes screen shots. I don't remember the name off hand, I'm not home to access his laptop. As soon as I get home tomorrow night I will get on and give you the name. Its not free, but it really works. There is a free trial on it with no pop-ups. Just stops monitoring after the trial period, I have the full program now. Yes, my husband knows its on there now, but not the name or how to access, so I will PM you with the info and the link.

Well, when seeing it spelled out it seems quite simple. Believe me, we just completed a 900 sq ft addition including a master suite with a gorgeous king bed (lots of fun) when we have fun.

I will not leave that room. I will make her suffer.

her words the other night were "OK, I know how you can be seeking revenge, etc... tell me what you want, just don't get the OM involved or his family. They are going through enough already as it stands"

to which I said all I want is for the A to end and for there to be NC with him. I will stand up and fight for this marriage to survive and that is what I am doing. She said the NC is impossible and she is going to continue to see him, not sexually though, but will still stay in touch - and work with him.

She has been coming to bed each night since then though.

On a completely different note... and totally against MB website...

what would be the outcome if I just throe in the towel and said "fine... have it your way" and move out.

Will the M definately end at that point? Or would it put a potential check mate on her lap and make she say "oh ****** or oops what did I do"?

GCICT, You say you want to save this M, but your words are not reflecting that decision...

"I will make her suffer"

"what would the outcome be if I just throw in the towel"

What do YOU think? How much have you read about ending affairs? Enabling WW's by leaving the marital home or being cruel to them is only adding fuel to the A. You are setting someone up for failure, but until you have completely tried Plan A (including exposure) you are only acting against your best interest.

Let me put it this way:

If your W leaves you, it will not matter what job she has. If your W stays with you, she should, as a part of recovery, find a new job. No contact is no contact. Do you see what I'm saying? Expose at her work! You have nothing to lose! And for all you know, this may not be OM's first infraction with co-workers.

Secondly, expose to OM's and OMW's family. Again, it will put pressure on HIM, guilt HIM, to discontinue the A. Why would your W be so adament against it unless she feared the same was true? And if OM's W is waiting for a transplant, you should try to speak with her. Do you think, if her operation goes south or she fails to get a donor in time, that she wants her life insurance going to a lying, cheating, low-life spouse like hers?

Maybe that's their plan all along... Wait until OMW passes on, and then live happily ever after off her life insurance... What the ....?!! This guy is a user, and will use up your marital assets throughout the A. Are you sure leaving your home, your wife, to OM's whims(b/c you know he's stopping by if you move out) is rational?

I'm not saying it is easy. I understand where this is all overwhelming and goes against the grain... But you are receiving some valueable advice that has helped several M's survive your exact sich. I think your M could be saved if you would follow through with Plan A, including exposure, before moving on to Plan B.

OK, first post first.

When she says that you're wanting revenge...calmly and quietly inform her that she's got it all wrong. Its NOT about revenge. Its about getting help for your marriage. Its about making sure that she does break things off COMPLETELY with OM. You're not doing this to 'hurt' anyone, what you're doing is fighting to save your marriage. She can't see that right now, but someday she will understand what it was all about.

Do NOT promise you won't expose to OMW and family. You SHOULD expose to them. Again, not to hurt them, or him, or your WW. That hurt was already done when they HAD the affair...that's NOT your fault. But OMW does deserve to know the truth in things, just like YOU would want to know the truth. AND...she's likely going to put a lot of pressure on OM to end the affair as well. Why else do you think your wife wouldn't want you to expose there? Other than her own shame over what's happened, of course.

Now...the other situation you describe is possible...you could just throw in the towel, and let the affair run its course. But why on Earth would you?!?!?! She might say "Oh no, now what". But its MORE likely she'll continue the affair. It's like telling a crack addict..."Go ahead and drug up, I don't care.". They WILL. Think about it...she's dealing with an ADDICTION right now...to OM.

Once she gets him out of her system, her brain can eventually return, but until then, don't expect to see any evidence of it for quite some time.

She is trying to manipulate you to prevent involving his family because she KNOWS it will RUIN the affair. That is EXACTLY why you must involve them. Your wife will be FURIOUS, but it will bring about the end of the affair much more quickly than nothing.

well... as I said, I will expose to her brother, mother, and co-workers to put the pressure on

On the house thing, you might want to have a voice-activated recorded on hand when you tell her you're not going anywhere. I've heard that sometimes WS will MAKE UP stuff and have the police escort you out. With the recorder, you're covered.

thanks

Hi there... been a couple of days since I've been here. Thought there would be some additional posts, but oh well.

On Tuesday morning I lost it with my wife. Started off like a wonderful morning, but when I saw her checking her emails etc and her saying thet she is still going to see and talk with the OM, I thres acusations, HUGE love buster comments, and lost my cool. Ended up leaving for work all upset etc.

Here is the interesting thing. My wife said the best days she's had with me were the couple of days since the A was confronted and we spoke. For 3-4 days there was nothing but compassion and no arguing. But I ruined that streak by getting upset.

How do you hold it in or how do you vent the frustration but not on your WS? I am committed to not losing it again. Funny comment she also said was, you havent even given me a chance to miss you yet.

Thaought???