Dude!!

"" She is not materialistic.""

THEN WHY DO YOU PORTRAY HER AS SUCH??

""There is something paradoxical about my wife’s behavior""

There is something paradoxical about your posts! Forget what I said about thought provoking, OK? You make my head hurt.

byby

Krusht

Is not the material value she wants. She wants ultimate admiration.

If a gift is not to her liking then she feels that the admiration was not good enough. However, she does not care about the price of the gift. Sometimes I have done quite well with cheap stuff because I got what she wanted.

I hope this improves your HA. I certainly have one too.

If I acted the way she does, I would be insecure my mate would leave me too.

You are perpetuating this game you two have going.

Do you love your wife? Do you want to have a good marriage where both have a secure stable base from which to conquer the world?

Stop encouraging this needy, bottomless pit of hers. It's circular and listen to what those that are encouraging boundaries. Boundaries are loving because they stop damaging, destructive and self-destructive behavior.

And BTW, being materialistic in itself is not a bad thing if that is what your W is, however measuring the love or stability of ones marriage by the ability of ones spouse to pick out that perfect gift you want, is just not normal.

You are playing a game with her that is keeping her just the way she is, this is not going to help either one of you.

It's about boundaries and treating people with respect, that is where confidence in a relationship and your own value comes from.

What she is doing is not loving, and neither is what you are doing because it encourages her self destructive behavior of treating you like the one and only person who has a say in this marriage. She has a part in it as well, and that is of being a confident, supporting, faithful and equal partner to you.

I implore you once again to take JL's posts to heart. What you are doing now is not working, so about trying something different and see if that will work.

I_won,

I am going to try this one more time. You said
Let's assume that what you have said is the "the truth". Let's then consider how children act when their parents ignore them. They hound them, they act up, they seek attention, they seek validation "look Mommy, look Daddy, see what I am doing."

So what is making your W so insecure? Is it that you did not react the way she expected? Perhaps. Or is it that you have NOT taken control of this situation and your marriage, and simply tried to placate her, which to her mind means you are IGNORING her. I am guessing that if you stopped giving her gifts, and explained that you don't give gives to people that don't appreciate them. And you stopped calling all of the time and told her you expected her to be true to you, a grown woman, and that you needed to get your job done, you would hear less from her.

Her problem may be that you have not given her the marching orders to she needs to realize that she is needed and expected to perform as a W and a lover to you. You need to set the parameters for this marriage and you are not. You are placating her like a parent that really doesn't want to be bothered with a child.

Think about it from that point of view and see if things look a bit different. I don't know the full truth here, but from what you are posting a big problem is YOUR perspective on all of this and how you have enabled her behavior.

Again, this is your call. Your choices are simple: change things and develop a better marriage, accept things as they are and likely end up with her having another affair, OR you leaving. Your approach so far as not yield much reward from the way you tell it.

Think about it. This is not a pop quiz, it is something that will take a lot of introspection on your part.

God Bless,

JL

Eureka!

JL

I think I finally get it. I am going to follow your strategy.

Tonight I pick her at the airport and will see how it goes.

I already told her she must seek counseling and that I cannot put up with this much longer.


I saw the problem as someone that is naturally insecure in a relationship.

Then the level of insecurity went through the roof when she realized it was my call to take her back or not after d-day. My hypothesis is that following d-day she is more insecure than ever and my methods are not working. This is the only explanation I have for her voracious appetite for admiration and attention.

Thanks

Doc Stan_ley...Is that you? If so, I do understand your need for anonymity, which is why I put the _ in your name...I think most folks would be better able to help you if we knew...MANY of the things that you've said have me believing that it is you...Am I correct?

Mrs. W

P.S. I'll edit my previous post if you'd like...once I know...

Mrs. W

I-won,

I hope you are right. I think she may be needing more from you than either of you realize, and what she may need is guidance and the certainty that YOU will be there. I would bet she KNOWS that her behavior is not sitting well with you, but she doesn't know where ground truth is. Insecure people become more insecure...often when people are doing "nice" things.

Good luck and keep trying and thinking about these things. I doubt it will work "right" the first time, but any feedback will help you tune your approach.

God Bless,

JL

Mrs W

I think you are correct

no wonder my bullcrapometer was going off the charts last night!

What do you mean bullcrap, Mel?

I_won,

I was thinking about what you said about the differences of classes and the possible resentment, also the gifts of jewelry, your admiration of her and her insecurity and something occured to me. (with the idea that you are still reading your thread, regardless of your name change for privacy purposes), I'd like to share my thoughts with you -

Instead of giving her expensive jewelry which does nothing to increase her confidence but may actually decrease it as most beautiful woman are insecure because the very looks that have opened doors for them is a shallow accomlishment, one that doesn't last and all women feel this to certain degree.

It is only through acts that we gain in self-worth and confidence.

How about if instead of giving your wife expensive jewelry you give her a chunk of money that she can invest. What a gift this would be. She could invest in a rental unit, manage it herself and get a check in her name every month. Or she could start an on-line business, or any business.

If I married someone who was financially more advantaged than me and came from a different class background this is what I would want, if I were not already in a job or my own busines.

I don't know if this fits into Harleys idea of marriage building but I know from my own experience that it is very important for a woman to contribute in ways more than just being pretty and taking care of the house.

I knew a couple who did this, and she at marriage with the money her husband gave her bought a rental house that she managed and got income from all her married life, used the money for more investments and eventually willed it to her daughter as a gift from her to her daughter (a very good friend of mine) and a my friend still has this property and will undoubtedly leave it to her daughter.

Just an idea because the more I thought about the significance of that expensive jewelry and her falling confidence in herself...well it didn't sit right with me, as a woman.

Just a thought. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

weaver, I knew that something was being concealed and he was not who he presented.

Ya gotta memory like an elephant, Mel. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

So are we talkin' TROLL here??

No krusht, not a troll...a long time poster whose FWW knows his usual posting name...

Mrs. W

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />