What ARE her top emotional needs and how do you best meet them?

Attention and admiration; the usual suspects.

The only thing I can suggest is that if you want to have a marriage, try using Marriage Builders principles. GEt a basic understanding of the principles. You could start by examining why you would allow yourself to be "prone" to have an affair and dig into His Needs, Her Needs. Ask her to take the emotional needs questionaire and identify her top needs and learn how to meet them.

Admiration is on the list...Attention is not...I'd suggest that you read His Needs/Her Needs...Print out and Do the EN questionnaire from this site...It's pretty hard to be meeting her top needs if you can't even name them, wouldn't you agree?

Mrs. W

P.S. MEDC, please bear in mind that Dr. Harley would not stick around after an affair because he KNOWS that he and Joyce are working the MB program in their marriage and have been for YEARS...Their marriage IS affair proof...

I know Harley quite well and we took the questionnaire a long time ago. Admiration is her most important need and attention is simply part of the admiration complex. I am sorry you took my words literally.

The main issue is that the EN of admiration is extremely exaggerated. To the point that the expectations are very high.

At the same time she sends the message that if I don’t keep it up she will stray again. I feel threatened by her words and it works as a love buster. This constant demand also takes away the spontaneity even when I am in the mood of doing something very nice for her.

For example lately I have been using a well-known jewelry store to buy gifts for her. The stuff from this jewelry store is easily recognizable and popular among couples that are in love. On our anniversary I wanted to get something nice from this jewelry store and then my wife said: “Don’t get me anything from “X” Jewelry store; you have no imagination”. That was like a cold shower!

If I buy something for her she will look at the date of the receipt and will be offended because I bought the present the same day of the special occasion instead of several weeks in anticipation. She interprets that buying a gift the same day is a sign of not caring.

She is not interested in the value of the gift, she seems more interested in how much time I spend getting her a gift.

She demands constant admiration and adulation and that is very easy to do, I have a very easy time doing that.

However, one time during an argument I told her that she had never given me positive feedback about anything I had done. She was in shock when I gave her a little of her own medicine. In my case admiration is my last EN on the list, but I said this to make a point.

I-won,

You said
See that last sentence? That is why she is treating you as she does. If she does not admire you, she will NOT respect you. I would say her behavior is very disrespectful of you.

YOU have a choice, demand what you need from the marriage and get it, accept how she treats you and the possibility of another affair, or leave.

Your call. But, if you want to remain, you really do need to read the articles and really think about the concept of boundaries. If you don't tolerate how she treats you, she will treat you differently. It is really that simple.

With regard to the jewelry, I would in form her she has received her last piece of jewelry from me until her attitude changed...considerably.

You can be firm, you can set boundaries, and you can do all of these things without lovebusting.

Hope this helps.

God Bless,

JL

I am not a psychologist nor do I play one on TV...however, is it possible she is narcissistic or does she just that she has no personal self-esteem whatsoever?

Let me jump right to the point (as if I haven't already). <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" /> I do not believe this issue is YOUR issue, and the harder you try to "do her work" and cover for her issues, the more she is going to need in order to "get the job done." It's a little like a drug addict...they need more and more to get the high--and she is needing more and more admiration to feel like she is "admirable." You will end up working your tail off, and she will press for more and more and more because she does not feel it within herself.

Long story short, I believe that SHE has extremely low self-esteem, and that is HER problem to solve, not yours. In order to meet her waning self-esteem, she is demanding more and more "admiration" and it's not working. What would REALLY work would be if she would go to individual counseling and raise her own self-worth and self-esteem! Then she would feel valuable within her own self...and when you did admire her genuinely, she would feel it and believe it!

Soooooo...any chance she would consider IC or a self-esteem support group???

Your faithful friend,



CJ

Krusht,

Whew, it's good to read you and your wife are happy now. It's disheartening to read so many posts in one days of BS' who have recovered their marriages being unhappy in their marriages. It's good to know that fighting for a marriage results in something good in the end, other wise what is the point. So thanks for clarifying that. I did think you were happy now, so it was kind of sad to read that.

MEDC,

That didn't sound right, did it? It did come out as rude, and very judgemental of those who choose to walk away after an affair. On MB, affairs are considered addictions resulting from poor boundaries, ignorance on both parties about care and protection, E/N's, love busters and in most cases a desintegration of the marriage because of both parties, not just the wayward spouse.

In these cases, and these are the ones MB is directed at, it is not a character issue so it would be a one time mistake, an abhoration of character. And you are right it is a series of assaults to the marriage and to the BS, but as an addiction it would be by it's very nature.

Two people made a vow and it sucks that it is up to the BS to try and repair a marriage but it is what it is. If they want to walk away without even trying, then that is their call but I don't see a lot to respect in that. Sorry. I see way more to admire towards someone who trys to learn about affairs and save their family, especially when children are involved and their WS has been up until the affair a decent parent and spouse.

Does that make more sense? It probably still is a little rude, but I'm just saying what I find admirable in people, and the ability to forgive and work hard towards something as important as their marriage is very high on that list.

I walked away from my DD's dad after his cheating and I still regret to this day that I did not learn something about affairs, or marriage building, or forgiveness, and at least try to make it work. He wanted to, but I was ignorant and proud and thought I was very capable of raising my daughter by myself, even that she would be better off. I was very wrong. I should have at least tried.

Many thanks for the feedback!

I will admit that it is very disheartening to be a failure when one is trying to please the wife.

Here is another gift example:

I never have high expectations so anything I get is cherished and a bonus. If I don’t like it I pretend I love it. If I don’t need it I pretend I need it. My goal is to always make sure I appear satisfied.

OTOH, my wife has expectations. If I don’t meet them she is sorely disappointed. If I get her a gift and she does not like it she lets me Know right away and the implication is that I did not spend enough time looking for the right gift.

OTOH, I never want anything. In fact, I find it is embarrassing to receive gifts.

Here is the latest one:

She is away visiting her mother. I call her several times a day from work to see how her day is going. Many times the calls don’t go through because she is indoors in a shopping mall or whatever.

So day before yesterday I was only able to talk to her a couple of times between 8 and 5. She was very upset and told me I hardly call her anymore. When I told her many calls did not go through she replied I should have continued to try. I said I am busy at work and she said that maybe I was too busy doing something else.

So next day she refused to answer my calls with the hope that I would panic.

This is within the context of her former OM who probably called her 20-25 times a day. My worry is that she expects this treatment from me.

Sometimes I get the feeling she is looking for an excuse to be disappointed. Maybe she is trying to justify having another affair.

I_won, your wife is rude, to say the least. This is not how we treat other people, let alone our own spouse. This is a reflection on her, not on you. Nonetheless, it is up to you to change this treatment of you that you have allowed and maybe inadvertently encouraged by going along with it.

Read what JL said to you again, he is spot on.

Be specific and keep giving examples so you can keep getting ideas on how to change your behavior and implement some boudaries.

I_won...

I'm sure you do know your Harley very well, I didn't mean to imply that you didn't, your answer came off to me as flip, and I responded in turn-I should be more understanding about the limitations of the written word...Sorry 'bout that...

I have much to say, as admiration is also my top EN...MAYBE something that I add can help...However, I have a hair appointment in a few minutes, so much of want I'd like to say will have to wait...

I did want to point this out quickly...


This is NOT good...It's not at all open and honest and it does NOTHING to help you, your wife or your marriage...There is a HUGE gap between BEING satisified and APPEARING satisfied-this may be part of why you feel vunerable to an affair-RADICAL HONESTY is of MAJOR importance on both sides of the fence...You get that, right?

I'll be back later...

Mrs. W

Here is a fresh one:

Just got off the phone with her. She said she was disappointed in that I was not too sad when I took her to the airport to go see her mom. She stated she was expecting more sadness from my part because she was going away for three days.

In the same sentence she also stated her family did not like the latest piece of jewelry I gave her. My wife stated the family said that the ring I gave her as a farewell for her trip looked like the cheap stuff you get from those 25 cents machines at the entrance of the pharmacy. That made me feel like crap; I cannot win.

I realized that some of the silver jewelry from Tiffany & Co. can have an unusual look, but there was no need for my wife to once again denigrate everything I do for her.

I told her in a stern manner that she needs individual counseling and she laughed at me. She then said if I gave her proper attention none of this would be happening.

I_won,

Your wife's name is Paris, correct??

And she didn't really go to see her mom but had to spend a few days in the slammer, right??

I almost was thinking "this can't be true, this guy is really a troll leading on the group.

Talk about your material girl!!

Is this what you were talking about when you said that you and she were from different classes??

Or was it different PLANETS? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

This is bordering on the ridiculous, but as far as your sitch is concerned, sadly it is not funny.

You have got to go with the boundaries that was mentioned.

Good luck with that.

kirk

Mrs. W

A voracious need for the EN of admiration is probably why my wife had the affair.

I would venture to say that most philandering men have a great need for admiration.

I gave her as much admiration as any H can give a wife. However, understand that admiration coming from someone that is the OM has a more powerful effect. Her OM gave her excessive admiration. In fact from the emails I intercepted the admiration was way over the top and patronizing.

I realized she is addicted to admiration and this task is wearing me down. I am dealing with something I cannot conquer. I cannot recreate the mystique of her affair no matter how hard I try. This is a game I cannot win. My admiration will never be seen as good.

Didn't you see what JL, he said don't give her any more jewelry, so don't.

Seriously, anyone else would have stopped giving her jewelry the first time she acted that way.

Even I am smart enough to fawn over any meal my fiance' makes for us, because I know if I say anything bad about it, I'll be doing all the cooking once married. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

It is bordering on the ridiculous.

I once had a co-workers wife call, sobbing and asking to talk to my co-worker. It was a very, very hot day and we had no AC in our office, and I was nine months pregnant and working my [censored] off.

Now his wife doesn't even work, doesn't do anything except gripe about how he doesn't make enough money, yada yada.

He gets on the phone with his sobbing wife that hot day, and she starts crying, yes crying, about how hot she was and he needed to come home right now. She was home in their apartment, with a car and Lake Superior near by, a shower of cold water in the bathroom and she couldn't even figure out a way to survive until he got home.

He left work, went and bought an AC for her bedroom, and then came back to work dripping with sweat.

She eventually left him for a stranger she met on the internet, and he helped her move. That's right, moved all her stuff for her down state.

He didn't get it, and neither do you. So listen and learn from these people. We'll straighten Paris out. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

MrsW:

Maybe there is something I do not understand about the EN of admiration. When I took the questionnaire I rated that EN last on my list. From my standpoint I have some trouble understanding why this is so important for some people.

I know quite well we all like recognition and adulation, but I can live without that quite easily.

The issue with the admiration is that the appetite for this EN has gotten larger over time. For example I hug my wife, I kiss her, I tell her how great she looks, and I praise her appearance several times a day. This is easy to do because she is quite attractive. As I do this I can tell how her body vibrates and resonates with every praise I give her. I can also see the little smile of satisfaction as she receives the accolades.

Not a day goes by when I do not praise her intelligence, her skills as a mother, as well as her cooking. I often stare at her in awe and tell her how magnificent she is.


On this trip I bought her a surprise farewell ring that she claims her family described as cheap. I am OK if her family thinks the ring is cheap, but why does she have to tell me about it? Does she have any tact?

You stated it was perfectly OK to express dissatisfaction with a gift and that your No. 1 EN is admiration. Could you enlighten me? Maybe you can help me understand my wife.

I know for a fact that if I ever showed the kind of displeasure after receiving a present my wife would be hurt for months.

What is going on?


BTW, she is not Paris, she is a very nice woman.

I_won,

You ended your last post with

Son, if you think her behavior is that of a "nice woman" you need more help than she does. She is selfish, insensitive, uncaring, and vindictive and that is simply what you have told us so far. I am sure there is more.

The problem here is you are so afraid to lose her, you would rather lose yourself, and why is that? Oh, it is because you don't need admiration...RIGHT? Why are you doing all of this for her? Because you want her to admire and respect you RIGHT? You are willing to suffer any consequences IF she will simply say something nice to you.

She is a sick woman, and you have such a HUGE need for admiration, that you will suffer any indignity to obtain it from her. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Please stop and think about this carefully. Your view of her and yourself needs to be sharpened up a bit.

God Bless,

JL

JL:

I believe you have it backwards.

Deep inside I think my wife is more afraid of losing the marriage than myself. Therefore, she needs constant validation.

I will admit I jump through hoops to keep her happy, but my motives are different. I just want to be happy and to live my life with a woman that is happy. It is quite difficult to live with someone that is always dissatisfied. I just want peace around the house.

There is something paradoxical about my wife’s behavior. She is not materialistic. However, she categorizes my actions as sincere or as someone who is trying to appease her. I am probably somewhere in the middle, but more often than not she feels I am going through the motions to appease her.

I believe she is so afraid to lose the marriage that she interprets my calmness as a sign of being uncaring.

I also believe she needs individual counseling, but she gets very angry if I mention this.

I_won,

""She is a sick woman, and you have such a HUGE need for admiration, that you will suffer any indignity to obtain it from her.""

OK, hate to be base and very crass here, but what if we take out the word ADMIRATION and replace it with A MEAL TICKET??

I keep going back to the "different classes" comment I have seen on a couple of your posts. Could it be a $$$$ issue?

And please do not take too much offense at this.

kirk

She came from blue collar background and I came from white collar background.

And yes---this can be a problem, not all the time, but now it seems to be.

However, she is not materialistic. She tends to be happy with cheap stuff.

IMHO, she seems to be very insecure after the affair because she feels the marriage could end any day. Some would say I have done a poor job in reassuring her, but in my heart I have done the best I can.