I just called him, to ask if he would be ok with me coming home again on the weekend of the 13th. he sounded...hopeful. He is willing to pick me up, and to talk to me. He wasn't angry. He didn't yell!

I also told him that I want to finish school, but that I'm afraid he will see it as me not wanting to be with him. He said that he doesn't know how it would work, but it's my decision. Not truly agreement, but at least he listened to what I had to say. I guess I'll try again later.

I'm still afraid, but no longer paralyzed. There's hope, right?

Galia,

What level of education does this guy have?

He does not appreciate what you are accomplishing or he is jealous of the fact. OR BOTH.

Afer getting your masters in publishing, why would you move back to Michigan to work at Kinkos? Is it a big town in Michigan? It doesn't sound like it.

Here again, YOU ARE NOT STANDING UP FOR YOURSELF!!

You are 6 weeks away from your masters and he wants you to quit and come back to hicksville? Well, maybe not hicksville, but you get my drift.

He is not VALIDATING YOU!

It sounds like the guy is very self center and manipulative. Nothing you do is right, by him. You try not to socialize in Boston to stay true to him, but he says you have made it worse?? YET, asking a friend to walk down and get a slushy and you are sleeping with the guy.

And you want to marry this guy?

He is afraid of you moving forward, upward and beyond so he manipulates you with these up and down emotional outbursts to keep you off balance.

I could be way off base here. I am just giving my take on your narrative.

Finsh you Masters. This is one of the biggest events that is going to affect the rest of your life...like for the next 60 years.

Who knows, in 20 years you may not even remember his name.

IMHO

kirk

You need to read the POJA stuff here, and the Negotiating in Marriage part. It is real important stuff, not for just this problems, but for problems the two of you will have for the rest of your lives, if you marry.

Believer,

Thank you. I have printed out those sections now, and will continue to reread them until they truly sink in.



Krusht,

He dropped out of high school, and hasn't yet gotten his GED. That's not to say that he isn't smart...he really despises the formal learning set-up. He learns best on his own. School has never been particularly important to his family - the most educated person in his extended family has an Associates, and many never finished high school.

We are from a smallish town about 45 minutes south of Detroit. There are big cities nearby, but our town is very much a farming community. There aren't many opportunities in Michigan for publishing - Boston or New York would be a much better choice for me.

His entire family lives in the same town, including aunts, uncles, cousins. He has only moved away from there once, and through a series of events that time he wound up out in the streets. So I'm sure there is an underlying fear of that happening again, even though he is older and more prepared now.

Something he said the other day when we talked was that he "doesn't feel like [he] should have to chase after me to Boston". So I guess moving here would make him feel like he was giving in?

When we talked later about how I had "made it worse," he told me that I was no longer the bubbly happy girl he fell in love with. And he's right, I haven't been. Between moving out here, grad school, new friends, new jobs, and the relationship stresses, I have not been taking pleasure in the little things like I used to. That, I feel, is the one thing in this situation that I can actually control. If he loves me again because of it, so much the better. If not, at least I'll have trained myself to be happy.

That sounds kinda depressed on a second reading, but it wasn't intended that way. He and I have finally been talking again the past few days (he even called me last night!) This is good. But I'm so exhausted by all of this. I'm going home in a week and a half, so maybe things will be better then.

galia,

I think you are missing something very important here. You are NOT looking at the data and as a consequence you are missing something so profound that you are about to make a huge mistake.

The data:

1. You have an affair with OM, who remains a good friend to your H.

2. He will not leave his comfort zone for you.

3. You two are not engaged any longer at his request.

4. You two are not married and the engagement has served its purpose. It has told both of you that you are not right for one another no matter how much either of you may wish it.

5. That fact that he has little education is not a huge problem. The fact that he does NOT value education IS a huge problem for both you and any children you two might have.

6. He values his friendship to OM more than he values his relationship with you.

Young lady that is just part of the data. It is time you really sat down and examined it. He may be a great guy, he may float your boat in someway, but he is NOT the right guy. Your affair said as much, his reactions say even more.

I will tell you this little nugget of truth. As you go through life you will be faced with big decisions (and this qualifies). If you really look at the data, you will find that while you could go another way, there really is only one correct way to go. This is just such a situation.

You should be looking for jobs in Boston. You should be working on your future. Your BF is not your future, he is your past. You learned alot. You like him. But, he is NOT your future and the data is very clear on that.

Please think about this.

God Bless,

JL

Listen to the advice you've been given.. Just Learning is a wise man....seriously consider his advice.

I've been getting this advice on a lot of fronts recently (friends, family, here), but I haven't been willing to listen. I think you all are right, though. I need to step back and truly evaluate the situation, rather than simply reacting.

It hurts to do so, but making the wrong decision will hurt more in the long run.

Thank you.

Galia,

"" but making the wrong decision will hurt more in the long run.""

AMEN SISTER!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Just Learning layed out the points one by one. Read those over and over again.

kirk