SC:
Interesting thoughts. But out of context.
Sometimes, many times, Flamingo does NOT want to take responsibilty for her own decisions. This weekend that I described? Agreed to by her, wholeheartedly, and without reservation before the event, for months and even weeks. As we get closer, she starts to get nervous, and stressed out. But the time to bail had passed long ago, and when those gates where available, she didn't take them.
Do I have commpassion for Flamingo? Certainly. Have I felt the brunt of her triggers and worked thru them with her? MANY times. Certainly. And will do it again, as often as she needs to do so.
I would like you to understand one thing. I am the ONLY one who ever suffers with her anger.
Mad at the boss? LG gets it.
Mad at a friend? LG Gets it.
Mad at other family? LG Gets it.
IF there is something out there that is bothering her, I am the one who gets the anger. No one else ever does. They might think less of her, you see.
But I am safe. She can dump it all on me. I accept the burden. I have dumped all over my marriage, for sure. She feels safe with me. All her problems in the world can come to me, and I can help her with them.
I have learned a few things from MB and other sources about all the things I was doing wrong pre-A and afterward.
But when Flamingo goes on a rant, like she does often, and then starts stating that she can't do this anymore, and that it is all my fault, and I remain calm, and listen to her, for quite awhile, as it were, until finally, I just have to snap her out of the loop. I will tell her that she is "free to go" anytime. I may have said this 3 times in four years of recovery. This is HER choice to stay. She learned this from Harley materials and many of the other readings she has done, she is a librarian, BTW, so she does like to read....
She has to own that choice. I'm here, and committed. I ain't perfect. Neither is she. But this is HER issue to own.
So, I stated that you took my comments out of context, and maybe in your quote here, you may understand why:
(My responses in RED) When my H used to respond (I STILL DO) (we no longer talk about the affair (WE TALK OFTEN ABOUT IT) with lack of compassion towards my upset, after what he reasoned was long enough for me to have got over the affair, I reasoned that his response said much about who he was; a man lacking in compassion enough to do what he did in the first place (BTDT); a man who was sorry only that my finding out caused me hurt(AT FIRST, MAYBE, BUT NOT AFTER LEARNING MB), and not that he stooped so low in the first place (3.5 YEARS? HE'S A PIKER...OH, BUT I STOOPED LOWER, AND IT WAS ME STOOPING TO SUCH A LOW POINT THAT EVEN I COULDN'T RECOGNIZE MYSELF, AND I DON'T THINK I HAVE SAID "I'M SORRY ENOUGH" YET) - and my love for him diminished. (UNDOUBTEDLY, FLAMINGO'S IS DIMINISHED, BUT IT IS SIGNIFICANTLY GREATER THAN IT WAS, EVEN ON OUR WEDDING DAY, LG IS SIGNIFICANTLY DIFFERENT THEN HE WAS 10 YEARS AGO) His saying, effectively "okay, whatever" to my hurt sounded to me like "I did not do anything bad enough to warrant this length of trauma in you. This degree of hurt is about you, not about what I did, which is not that unreasonable. I can't fix your neurosis and I don't care enough to try." (AND IF YOU STILL FEEL THAT WAY, YOU NEED TO START TALKING TO MR.SC SOME MORE, BUT THAT DOES NOT DESCRIBE THE LG HOUSEHOLD OR MARRIAGE, NOW)
Flamingo has questioned the very basis of her EVER marrying me. Many times. Long before the A was revealed, and very pointedly with me after Dday. Don't worry, many of your concerns have been discussed, and anaylzed between her and me. Do I post them here? No. My story of recovery using the MB Weekend and materials can be a strong case for others to use as an example. So, I describe our M and recovery relationship and how it might apply to whomever I am posting to. I will NOT speak for her either. If she wanted to post, she is free to, and she has read here in the past. But she isn't going to post, its not her style.
LG
